So There Was This One Time…
1. Integra Hellsing Got a Sex Change Due to a Glitch in the System
The plot continuum gets screwed up from time to time; the PPC can attest to that. But, the odd thing about it is when a continuum screws itself up. Such a thing once happened in the Hellsing continuum, or so the story goes…
It had been a relatively normal day in the Hellsing continuum: Alucard and Seras, being vampires, were asleep; Walter was butlering; Integra was irritated about something. Relatively normal, right? …Until you wondered why Integra was irritated.
You see, earlier that day, she had been bothered by a particularly annoying… thing, for lack of a current definition for such a thing. Fan-writers had dubbed it a 'Mary-Sue'; such things were a travesty to good fiction everywhere, be it fan-written or a published work. Theyre flawless, everyone adores them… they give fan-writers everywhere a bad name. There were people taking a stand against them, and the cannons appreciated it. They were the PPC—Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Assassins were regularly sent out to… ahem… dispose of the problem. Unfortunately, this one went right under the radar. Drat.
So it came to pass that, after going through her fifth cigar that morning, Integra was rudely called from her gigantic pile of paperwork—it just sneaks up on you, it really does—by a Sue-ified Walter. When he got to her door, she could tell something was wrong. He was acting horribly out of character. He was using text speak. He was talking about things that didn't exist yet. But, most noticeably, his eyes were changing color on him. And his clothes. And his hair. And his age. One second, he was a sixty-nine year old man, the next second he was a freaking kid. Integra, having had some experience with the Sue-possession before, did what anyone in her position would've done—throw the nearest thing at the offender. Unfortunately, the nearest thing had turned out to be out of her reach, and she ended up throwing air at him. She then hid under her desk. Then, Walter-the-Possessed opened his mouth.
"Sir Integra, you are now a man!" was what spouted out when said mouth was opened. Or, at least, that's what experts have translated it into. The original response was text-speak. And also impossible to say in an actual conversation, incorporating the use of horrible grammar, stupid capitalization, and jubilant gibberish, because everyone knows that ya can't have gibberish if it isn't jubilant. Even more shocking than the stupidity of that last sentence, was the fact that immediately after it was said—or garbled, whichever you prefer—there was a loud popping noise and there was a slight pink poof. Integra could feel her eye twitch. That inaccurate statement—that bloody inaccurate statement—had turned her into a man. She stood up from her position under the desk, realized she was still under the desk only after she'd banged her head on the desk, and then got out from under the desk and stood up. She glared at the possessed Walter. She then reached for a conveniently placed vase and, with her new eye-twitch, hit him over the head with it. She then marched out of the room armed with a newly-broken vase to find the Sue that had—she shuddered. She knew that it wasn't permanent and would only last as long as the Sue was around, but it was still creepy.
Lucky for Integra, while I was rambling on about that, the Sue appeared in front of her. It had—yknow what? Just insert any unnecessarily long description of anything in this space. Its a Sue. All ya need to know that it probably doesn't care if you have a personality or not and only wants to get in your pants if youre physically attractive. Like a teenage girl. And, like a teenage girl, quite possibly one of the whiniest species on the planet—scratch that, the Universe. Oh, and don't forget about the dark, angsty past.
"OMG u r so teh hawtness!11!$!211!" screeched the harpy, successfully destroying thousands of grammatical rules in the process. "Have mah beeebeiz!32i8!"
Integra twitched again. She was about to throw the remains of the vase at the thing, when someone beat her to the punch and the Sue fell to the ground, unconscious. The person—a female teen, it seemed, square glasses, with short reddish hair—let out an irate huff and glared at the thing. Then she glanced up at Integra and said, "You don't look half bad as a man, you know," and, before Integra had a chance to react appropriately—i.e., clocking the wench in the nose—she was gone. The Sue was gone too.
Integra looked down her shirt. Everything appeared normal again. She blinked. …She really needed to get back to that stack of paperwork. So she did.
Authors Note: This is not my fault. A friend of mine asked me to do it. ...And really, its sort of strange how Integra gets called 'Sir Integra' in the manga. Oh, I dont own anything. I wouldnt be writing fanfiction if I owned it, would I?