Me Without You
For Kate.
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Rinoa, who are you without him? What kind of person are you? How do you interact with others without Squall on your arm? Do you have friends? Are there people who don't call you Princess? Do you ever draw a glance? Do you even exist?
Rinoa sat on the floor against the wall, her knees drawn up to her chest. These thoughts had come out of nowhere. She didn't know what had triggered them, but lately, she'd been plagued by angry, disturbing thoughts. Someone…did someone hate her? Was she becoming a bad person? Was this…wretched power she'd inherited…did it come with a price? What was the price? And, to think of it, what kind of person was she, really?
"Who am I…when Squall's not around…?" she whispered, setting her forehead down on her bent knees.
She was at Balamb Garden, in Selphie's dorm room. The girls had opted to share while they got things in order before sending Rinoa back to Deling City where she belonged. Where she belonged. Did that mean…she didn't belong here? The dark-eyed beauty wiped a tear from her cheek and sniffled.
"I don't belong here…?" she wondered aloud. But…Squall wanted her here, didn't he? He'd seemed to protest and not care for her at first, but…after the coma scare in space…after she'd been freed from Adel's grip…after they'd beaten Ultimecia and saved the world… Ultimately, Rinoa didn't have a home in Balamb Garden unless Squall said so. What if he changed his mind?
"Who are you, evil person in my head?" she demanded, pounding her knuckles against her temple. These thoughts had never bothered her before the possession. Had Adel's power done something to her?
Standing, Rinoa Heartilly looked at herself in the mirror. She didn't look different. Sure, she certainly felt different, but inside was different. Of course she felt different. She'd been possessed by a powerful sorceress. She was supposed to be different.
Rinoa reached a hand up to touch the rings that dangled at her neck. One of them was hers, the other belonged to Squall. Love? Maybe. Silly teenaged antics? Why did he give her his ring? Sure, he didn't intend to, but…he told her to hold on to it for him.
But really…who was she without her rock to lean on? Without…Squall, was she anyone worth caring about? Was she really…worth the title of 'princess' that the Timber Owls called her so fondly? Did Quistis hate her because she saw past all of that? What did Quistis see that the others didn't? Or was Quistis' hatred only due to jealousy for Squall's affections?
All of these questions were new to her, and haunting at that. Rinoa figured she best approach the matter slowly, lest she be thought unstable. But perhaps she was unstable. Perhaps…she was better off alone after this whole affair.
But, she kept protesting, but what would Squall be without me? I opened him up to be the leader he found out he could be, didn't I? Sure, he had it in him the entire time…but didn't I help? Even if it was just a little? Maybe people don't know who I am without Squall, but…who is he without me??
Lying down on Selphie's bunk, Rinoa let that thought comfort her as she drifted off to sleep. Maybe she wasn't someone great anymore, but if she could find comfort knowing that the great leader, Commander Squall Leonhart of Balamb Garden, ultimate Vanquisher of Ultimecia during Time Compression, loved her, and quite possibly needed her…she would take it.
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