Pointless Comedy – A Dynasty Warriors equivalent of the show Whose Line Is It Anyway

A/N: There isn't much update I can come up with when it comes to my current DMC fanfic, but there's more than college contributing to that. I've started playing Dynasty Warriors in early April, and my obsession has grown from then on. I'm using the playable cast of DW5 for this.
Also note that this fanfic is heavily alternate-universe and is made purely for the sake of justice – I mean, humor. There's my self-insert, and two prominent 'original' characters. Oh, and no language barriers either.

Beginning Studio Dilemmas

"Hurry up!" Nay urged Zhang Liao.
"No!" he protested, withdrawing from her.

She gave up her pursuit. 'Who knew that the frightening Zhang Liao is camera-shy?' she wondered silently, going around the studio in search for the last person in the main cast group for this week.

"Can you provide me with a decent role for the show?" Lu Bu demanded of her.
"We haven't found one for you yet," Nay replied.
He was about to reach for her throat, but Diao Chan caught his hand first and twisted it.

Having narrowly escaped the impatient man who still thought she was a boy, Nay walked over to the dressing room for men. "Zhang He?" she called out.
"I am not showing my now-ruined face!" he can be heard shouting from in there.
"What happened?" She had lent him her never-used makeup just for tonight's show.
"It was something your powders did to my beautiful face! Oh, the itching, the pain!"
Nay took a step backwards. 'There goes another actor that's unavailable.' She should have known that facial beauty enhancers have expiry dates. She continued wandering aimlessly with a clipboard in one hand and her flute-case in another.

The studio is managed by formally-dressed twenty-eight year old Victor Ang, whose deadpan expression defied any association with comedy despite his passion in it. His brother Darren, younger by two years, is the head custodian who takes beatings for joking too much about things. They aspired to rule the world with comedy, but sub-national TV is as far as they get at the moment.

Nay is the guest staff in charge of things like music, audience-search and weekly casting. The Ang brothers were too busy to play the drums or guitar for song-related games, let alone become hosts of the show. She wished she didn't have to look far and wide for a hundred-strong audience, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Their first show with the Dynasty Warriors is about to begin tonight, and they had only begun preparations three days ago.
Needless to say, somebody has evidently waited until the last minute for tasks to be accomplished.

Camera shyness isn't the only thing the guest staff has to deal with. There were sometimes fights in the list of performers, and at times they have such low self-esteem that they won't even go onstage.

"Xiahou Dun… can you bear going up on stage with Zhao Yun, Ling Tong and Cao Pi?" she asked the rugged man with the eye-patch.
"Humph. Even if I do, I probably won't stand watching myself on the tape," he said bitterly.
"Come on! I want there to be two people from Wei in this pilot episode!"
He did his best to withstand her whining.

Victor appeared mysteriously behind her. "Why can't you just put a Wu girl or Shu guy on? You know they're dying to show their raw comedic skills," he pointed out.
The Qiaos waved from their front seats in the audience. Guan Yu stroked his beard in anticipation.
"I don't even know," Nay shrugged.
"You can get a Wei-man to become the first episode's host, if you're so biased." Victor looked for someone worthy around the studio. "Shang Xiang, you're up!"
"Make us proud," Sun Jian said to her daughter before she leaves for the stage.
"Break a leg," Sun Ce told her.
His brother Quan stared at him.
"It means 'good luck' in an honest way. Now, if you really said 'good luck' with a sarcastic tone, that means you'll really want that person to break their leg," Ce explained.

Nay checked other things in the list that she is in charge of. For the past three days, Darren had been in charge of exposing the actors to the original show and the comedy scene here. While that has been taken care of, she couldn't find musicians for the show in such short notice, so she will serve as the temporary background musician.
"Why can't I be the musician?" Zhen Ji questioned.
"Eh, she couldn't trust you to learn twenty songs by hearing in three days, and she has a history. If you want your place there, you'll have to sacrifice comedy-time," Victor explained.
The woman crossed her arms. "It's not like I'll be picked as an actor often," she stated.
"Then it's confirmed. You can play the background music in the next episode," the manager noted.

Things should all be set now.
They have a professional camera crew to record the oncoming scenes.
They have a flutist to suit their style for this show.
They have all four actors, anxious and eager.

'… Uh oh…'
She completely forgot about the host.
Near the last minute, all sense of professionalism can be thrown down the drain. "Can any of you Wei-men be today's host?" she asked aloud.
"Xiahou Dun and Zhang Liao cringe in fear of the camera," Pang De teased.
"I'll do it, and I'll make a good job of it," Cao Cao volunteered.
"Are you sure you won't take sides like I do?" Nay asked him.

He looked around for his immaculately-dressed strategist, and seeing that he is absent, he whispered to her: "Better me than Sima Yi. D'you know what dirty things that guy would be up to?"
Nay nodded. "You know how the host starts the show, right?"
"Oh, I've run through that a lot of times. It shouldn't be a problem for me."

"Well, it is a problem for me," Ma Chao said, appearing mysteriously behind her. "I thought the Shu-side had been behaving their best toward the lodging managers. What justice is there when these arrogant fools get camera-time they don't earn?"
"Everybody, the camera's going to roll in thirty seconds. Go take your places," Darren announced, holding a rubber chicken like a strategist's fan.
"Next episode," Nay just told Ma Chao.

Cao Cao took his place in the audience among fellow Wei-farers and miscellaneous, neutral outsiders. He was wise to stand here; there is a chance some woman from the other three sides would violate him.

Zhao Yun looked around the studio before the show starts.
Sun Shang Xiang did pretty much the same, though she limits her vision to other Wu-men and women.
Ling Tong tried to ignore Gan Ning making funny faces in the audience in hopes that he would see him. He had to focus his attention on the camera, or Shang Xiang.
Cao Pi looked expectantly at his father, hoping he would do something terrible to Zhao Yun.

The musician took out her Western flute and tuned it.

The materials for the games are prepared, as is Cao Cao with his cards.
"And… Action!"

Next: Pilot episode.