By Autumnmist
When at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. From the time she was born to now, 25 years later, Hermione Granger had lived, breathed, studied, and fought by this motto. Granted, she very rarely had to try more than once to get things right, but that was utterly beside the point.
The point, of course, was that as the current (was there any other?) woman in Severus Snape's life, she ought to be feeling incredibly -ah- satiated. But she wasn't. And that is why she was currently standing in front of her mirror - magical no less - receiving (not very well) advice on all things sexual. (Or so the mirror thought, at least).
"Hermione, listen to me... No shut up damnit!" said the mirror, whose name was Betty, by the way.
"Don't tell me to shut up! And watch that dirty mouth of yours! You're a mirror for Merlin's sake!" Hermione glared irately at the mirror.
Betty sighed, "Fine fine, be that way, ya big baby! All I'm saying is let's try this one more time..."
"ARGH! I don't want to try this another time! I told you already, it's hopeless!" Hermione grumbled.
"My dear, nothing is hopeless. Just because sex + Snape = sucks (NOT like that you dirty readers!), doesn't mean that it's hopeless. Really, dearie, he just doesn't know. You've got to tell him!"
"And how, pray tell me, am I supposed to tell Severus that he is possibly the only Slytherin..."
"It's simple, Hermione, quite simple..."
Severus Snape was standing in front of a rather terrified-looking class. Not that this was particularly unusual. In fact, it was the fifteenth time he had been in this exact location, saying these exact words: "...and there will be no foolish wand-waving in my classroom..."
*snort* Foolish wand-waving indeed. You'd know all about that wouldn't you?
Snape stopped stock-still in his tracks. "Who are you?" he hissed, "And what are you doing in my mind?"
The class looked up at their teacher, eyes expressing their complete confusion. Snape ignored them.
"Get out. Get out now!"
"Umm... Professor Snape? Are you ok? Did you mean us?"
Professor Snape looked wildly around the classroom, and then paused to glare at the daring speaker. "No, but it doesn't matter anyway. Get out!"
The class gasped, grabbed their books, and scurried out of the room as quickly as their stubby first-year legs could take them. Professor Snape sat down heavily on a table. "Who are you and what are you doing in my mind?" he repeated.
Hey hey, no need to get impatient. Goodness, the nerve of you people these days. First she tells me to shut up, and now you're yelling at me! You'd think I was asking you for your souls!
"She?" he asked suspiciously, "Who is this 'she' you are talking about?"
Oh hun, please! You crack me up. As if you didn't know. Your little girlfriend of course.
That does it, thought Snape. "First of all, Hermione is NOT my girlfriend. Second, WHO ARE YOU?!"
Well, Betty of course, you big silly! Hermione's bedroom mirror, to be exact. And anyway, yes she IS your girlfriend!
Snape rolled his eyes at the disembodied voice echoing in his head. This was insane. Yes, insane, that's it! He was finally going insane. Stupid students finally managed to get to him...
Girlfriend, bunny, sex toy, what's the difference?
"WHAT?!?!" Snape sputtered.
You heard me!
"Ok, I've HAD it. That's enough. Away. That was COMPLETELY unnecessary! Go away! Now!!" Snape roared. "OUT OF MY HEAD!"
Fine fine if you put it that way... but really, all I wanted was happiness for the two of you. I wanted to make you both happy.
The mirror sounded almost mournful. Snape was suspicious, again: "What do you mean happiness? Who says we're not happy? I happen to think we get along perfectly - well almost perfectly."
Oh? Is that so? What's with the hedging?
I can't believe I'm doing this, thought Snape. "Well uh... there was last night," he admitted.
What about it? Bad sex? With a Slytherin? You've got to be kidding me!
"No I'm not kidding - HEY!! Who said anything about sex?" Now he was pissed, disturbed, and rather scared. How this supposed mirror know about last- that disaster?!?!
I didn't. She did. I'm innocent, really.
"She WHAT?!"
Yeah you heard me Snapey-boy. Really, I'd think that a Slytherin like yourself would be just a tad bit more ... experienced.
"Well, it's not my fault!"
Heh. Where have I heard that one before? Oldest excuse in the book, hun. You can't possibly expect me to believe you haven't spent time ah- as they say -- polishing the ol' broomstick... can you?
"Excuse me, but I didn't think my lonely young-adult years were the topic of this discussion. You were talking about Hermione, and... last night..."
Yes yes, I was getting to that. But as they say, one thing leads to another. And in this case, I think you haven't been succeeding very well in the application area - not THAT kind of application you dirty man! I meant application of knowledge and experience.
"But.. but.. but..."
Buttttt what?
Snape swore he could almost SEE the leer. "But I thought it was all about controlling -my- uh my wand... The books all say th--"
The books are all fools. Trust me, I've talked to them. It's all about the application, not the control. See, by all accounts, you should be a Master. And I mean Master, with a capital M. Given your intimate practice sessions, your history, and the fact that you are, after all, a Slytherin, there's no reason Hermione should be going to bed each night, needing to do her own - ah - polishing.
"She does that?!?!" he cried. "Oh Merlin, I'm so embarrassed! I didn't think I was THAT bad! Mirror, mirror ..."
... on the wall... I know, I've heard it all. What do you want?
"Advice I guess. Isn't that what you're here to give me?"
Oh right. I forgot... hmm as I was saying, all you need to do is apply your firsthand (ha ha) experience to your little midnight romps with the girl. You get what I'm saying, don't you? Romps... rolls in the hay...
Snape looked slightly petulant. "Yeah I guess. But I still don't think I'm that bad!"
Is that so? Well I happen to have a little Penseive here...
"NO NO NO! STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!"
Fine, there we go. Better?
Severus Snape did not answer. He was too busy huddling in a corner, curled in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, shivering, and pressing his long, talented fingers into his temples. "Make it stop!" he moaned, "I can't take it anymore!"
Nevermind. You get the picture. My work here is done.
The mirror sounded smug.
"Hey Hermione, dearest, he's all yours. We're all finished."
"Really, Betty, thank you so much. I don't know what I would've done without you."
"Oh, 'twas nothing. Though, my guess is you probably would have snapped that wand of his in half. Would've been a waste though, it was quite a nice-"
"BETTY!!"
Hermione never knew a mirror could giggle.
I'm sure I've copied ideas from every single SS/HG story I've read, so my apologies to any author whose stories I mangled. And of course, JKR owns both characters and Harry Potter and just about everything here.
Nods to TextualSphinx's "Slytherins are Sexier" for the expectations the mirror has for Slytherins and to Maenad's "Ars Amatoria" for the "Master" bit.