This is a multi-chapter story-six chapters and an Epilogue. It's pretty much finished, so if anyone is worried about stumbling in to some unfinished fanfiction, that shouldn't be a problem here. This first chapter is a "wake-up" story (obviously) and the subsequent chapters evolve from there.
The sun had finally made an appearance for the first time in weeks. As the clouds rolled away, Sam relaxed in his hospital bed, grateful to be alive. At the sound of a barely audible sigh in the doorway he turned his head away from the window and a small smile tugged at his lips. Andy was leaning against the door frame. As she drew in a deep breath, he watched a wave of relief roll across her tear-stained face.
The calmness Sam felt at that moment was in sharp contrast to what he had been feeling not thirty minutes before when he woke up alone in his room. His anxiety at the forefront, he had barely registered the pain in his left side. It seemed like only a dull ache compared to the increasing confusion and uneasiness at not knowing what had happened since his last memory in the ambulance. His predominant thought had been that he needed to see Andy. He needed to hear her voice. He just needed her.
As those thoughts had consumed Sam, a bevy of medical professionals paraded through his room, seemingly pleased with his progress and the fact that he was awake earlier than anticipated. One particular nurse, however, captured his full attention when she explained that someone matching Andy's description briefly stepped out to get something to eat but had otherwise been by his side since he came out of surgery. Armed with this new information, he assumed she would be back and settled down to wait for her as a feeling of peace washed over him. No matter what had happened since he lost consciousness, she had been there and that was all that mattered to him in that moment.
Now, watching her standing in the doorway, he processed feelings he hadn't experienced for some time. Happiness mixed with . . . contentment? He almost didn't recognize the emotions because it had been so long since he'd felt them.
Having changed out of her uniform at some point, she was wearing jeans and a sweater. Her hair was down now, too, and as usual, he thought she looked amazing.
As Sam focused his unwavering gaze on Andy, he willed her to move closer. Seemingly able to read his mind, she approached the edge of the bed tentatively.
He opened his mouth to speak but his throat felt scratchy. He didn't know what to say anyway, so he reached for her hand, pulling her until she sat down on the edge of his bed.
"It's spaghetti and meatballs day in the cafeteria. I made one quick run down there to get something to eat and, of course, you woke up while I was gone. Great timing as always," she teased him as her lips curved in to a small smile. "How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"
"I've had better days," Sam admitted hoarsely, mirroring her smile. He could tell she'd been crying and although it pained him to think about what she must have gone through, knowing those tears had been shed for him left him feeling strangely connected to her. After feeling detached from her for so long, the sight of her puffy, red eyes was one of the most beautiful images he'd ever seen.
He wanted to finish their broken conversation from the ambulance but didn't know how to begin. And then he didn't have the chance to say anything because a new nurse made her way in to the room and presented herself on the opposite side of his bed.
"So you're awake," the nurse confirmed cheerfully. "If she could just step back for a few minutes, we'll do our thing and leave you to rest for a while before the doctor comes back in." Another nurse appeared in the room towing a small cart behind her.
"I want to talk," Sam told Andy pointedly, making eye contact with her as she slid down in to a chair not too far from his bed.
Andy quirked an eyebrow at him. "Really? You want to talk?"
He rolled his eyes and smiled. "I know. It's a stretch."
The nurses finished what they needed to do, which thankfully included supplying Sam with some much-needed ice chips to soothe his scratchy throat, and left them alone again. Andy went back to her position on the side of his bed. Apparently at a loss for words, she seemed to conclude that she should go with her default and started rambling. "Everyone has been really worried about you. Frank has been here twice. Noelle, Traci, Dov, Chris and Gail have all been by at some point. And of course, Oliver is upstairs in his own room, but he's had Celery come down to check on you several—"
"McNally, shhhh," he said firmly.
"Did you just 'shish' me?" She laughed, awarding him one of her brightest smiles and almost stopping his heart in the process. He loved her smiles. And he'd missed them so much. More than that, though, he'd missed having them aimed at him.
"I did," he responded smugly. "It's close to impossible to shut you off when you start flapping your gums." A deep laugh resonated from his chest when Andy scowled at him. As he laughed, he felt the pain from his injury but tried to ignore it. He probably needed more pain meds, but he wanted to be lucid while he had the chance to talk to her.
"You know I still love you, too, right?" Sam quietly confessed. As the words escaped his lips he felt an overwhelming sense of relief—relief that he had finally spoken what was in his heart to the only person who had ever made him feel this way.
"I didn't know until you were leaving the station. I didn't know."
Sam knew he had a good poker face. He had never loved anyone the way he loved her and yet he'd done his best to convince himself and her that his feelings had changed. At the time, it seemed like the best course of action, but now he berated himself for his bad judgment in leading her to believe he no longer loved her.
"I can't believe how I've screwed up everything," he muttered, his voice thick with disappointment.
Andy took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "We're both to blame. Even though I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, I shouldn't have left to go undercover. It was shortsighted and I have a lot of regrets about that decision. I lost you because of it." Her eyes were on his the entire time she was speaking. It was the most honest they had been with each other in—well, in forever.
After a year of pain, Sam wanted to tell her everything that was going through his mind. Ironically, his mind finally wanted to talk about what was in his heart and his body was unwilling to cooperate. He was starting to fade and he knew he wasn't going to be coherent for much longer.
"There's more . . ." he tried to explain weakly, his eyes begging hers for understanding.
"It's enough. Enough for now. You need to rest," she told him and squeezed his hand again. "I appreciate that you want to talk about this, but don't get crazy on me here. You don't have to go from zero to one hundred in one day."
He smiled at her faintly and relaxed back in to his pillow.
"So where does this leave us now?" He asked slowly, shifting his gaze up to the ceiling.
"Well, we've both got a lot to think about. I meant what I said in the ambulance. I love you." She paused when he brought his eyes back to hers. "Our feelings for each other are only one thing, though. We still need to figure out if we can move forward and how we do that. I need to step back and process everything that's happened. And I want you to do the same. For the moment, the primary focus should be on getting you back to your irresistibly charming self." She smiled at him and rubbed her thumb lightly across the back of his hand.
Sam nodded minutely and sighed, resigning himself to what he had predicted she would say. As much as he wanted a quick fix—as much as he wanted the certainty of knowing he had a future with her right now—they had done some damage to themselves and others and if they were going to have a chance to make things work, it wasn't going to be immediate. "Andy, I've spent a year going down the wrong path, and what that's taught me is that I want to move forward. With you. Take whatever time you need, but you should know I'm serious about my feelings and that more than anything, I want there to be an 'us' at the end of it all."
Andy beamed at him, and he knew that for once, he'd actually said exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.
"So in the meantime, what do you say to being friends?" She suggested, reminding them both of their shared history.
He chuckled wryly. "Okay, McNally. We'll be friends."
Laughing at the light sarcasm in his voice, she clarified, "Okay, okay. How about friends who need to pull themselves together first so they can have more?"
"A bit wordy but definitely better," he conceded. "I guess that'll have to do." As he shifted in bed he grumbled about the pain.
Smiling indulgently at him, Andy said, "It looks like cranky Sam is going to be making an appearance soon, which means I need to leave you in the capable hands of the nursing staff."
"What do you mean 'cranky?' I thought you said I was irresistibly charming," he mumbled as his eyes started to close.
"You have your moments. I'll see you tomorrow and we'll talk more," she promised. She dropped his hand and moved hers to his cheek, resting it there. He leaned in to the soft warmth of her touch and opened his eyes so that he could fully look at her. Resting his hand on top of hers, he rubbed small circles on her skin with his fingers. Andy blushed and looked down self consciously.
"I'll see you tomorrow, McNally," he said with a sleepy sigh as she reclaimed her hand and stood up to leave, turning to flash him a full smile as she walked to the door.
Sam watched her until she was gone. He felt better than he had in a long time. He wanted more with her. As he had admitted to himself recently, he wanted everything with her. He finally had a chance and as she had told him, it was enough.