A/N: This is pretty old but I'm reposting it with changes made because it still means a lot to me.
I.
It's sunrise and Sanada Yukimura doesn't know why he is awake.
Sarutobi Sasuke won't be the one to tell him. The younger man rolls over; he knows Sasuke is awake too. They don't speak. It's like this for a while and it's just today, no other day of the year. Yukimura wonders why but never ever asks why he can't sleep, why his neck aches, and why Sasuke is jumpy.
Sasuke, though, knows — remembers.
Sasuke sits up and walks to the bathroom. The shower turns on. Yukimura's alarm goes off. Then, the air a little lighter, Yukimura inhales and it's okay.
Sanada Yukimura is young and naive, but never stupid. He stretches and waits for Sasuke to finish in the bathroom. Yukimura never questions their relationship, never questions the day Sasuke came out of the blue and never questions the closeness Sasuke enforced. Yukimura enjoyed it — even if he didn't understand it.
Sasuke has been with Yukimura for as long as he could remember and now, even in college, they are close. Yukimura works hard in his classes and Sasuke works hard in everything else. Life isn't easy but if it was, Yukimura thinks it wouldn't be as fun. Sasuke knows Yukimura doesn't remember and Sasuke is glad. Yukimura would be bitter, but maybe he would also be less prone to heartbreak and maybe less drawn to— Sasuke growls.
They all think it's because he's jealous, but the truth is even more pathetic, Sasuke thinks. He's scared. Scared that the past will repeat itself. And Sasuke will never forget that day several hundred years ago from today. They had both died that day, you know. And Sauske had tried so fucking hard to protect him — and he failed. That's probably the worst part of it all. Sasuke fell first and it was pathetic.
It had been the cold wind and the wave after wave of attacks. It was Ieyasu who had led it and Mitsunari had long since abandoned them all. Yukimura, loyal to the end though, would not give up. Yukimura was loyal to the point of death, and that day proved it. Sasuke gave his life to protect him but Yukimura couldn't kill the man who killed him. Yukimura had loved that man and that man had always used Yukimura for his own selfish wishes.
Sasuke hates it because he knew, he knew, that no, that wasn't true. Date Masamune loved Yukimura too. But war requires sacrifice and they all chose the wrong side.
But he was glad Yukimura didn't remember. He didn't remember any of it. They say ignorance is bliss and Sasuke half heartily agrees. Even in another life, years and years and years later, Sarutobi Sasuke still found his way back to Sanada Yukimura.
And Sanada Yukimura still found his way back to Date Masamune.
Sasuke hates their closeness, hates that Masamune doesn't remember, hates that because of this Sasuke has no right to hold a grudge. But Sasuke hates Masamune. And oh gods, Masamune was never the bad guy and that is what truly tears Sasuke apart. Yukimura, though, is dangerously close to falling in love (again). Falling in love with the very man that killed him in his past life (again). Sasuke hates it and curses the gods for it all. It was like that, even back then. Masamune used Yukimura to better himself but he didn't he better Yukimura all the same, even now and even then. Sasuke knows that it may very well end the same way. (he swears he won't let it. He swears—)
(—"I-I won't let you!")
Sasuke knows that, he too, is dangerously close to falling in love. But Sasuke also knows there is now way around this — it is fate and it is history on repeat. Sasuke just hopes that his attraction won't make him weak like it did before. Sasuke has and will continue to lay his life down for Sanada Yukimura. And that is the only reason Sasuke, as a shinobi, remembers.
Shinobi is not a title; it is a bloodline, a trait that will follow him no matter how many times he dies. The memories of all his past lives haunt him. But he has found Yukimura again, and Sasuke will not lose him. Never again.
"Your turn, danna," Sasuke is drying his hair with a towel as he exits the bathroom.
"Why do you call me that?" Yukimura walks past him with a pout.
Sasuke wants to kiss it off his lips. He shrugs, "It's a habit."
And Yukimura asks no questions, only shuts the bathroom door. Sasuke hates it when he showers. He hates it all. He hates how it makes his mind wander and how only Yukimura makes him think this. Yukimura is his weakness and he hates it. Sasuke hates a lot of things. But most of all, Sasuke loves Yukimura in a way that he wishes Yukimura would understand — would return. It hurts. Sasuke falls onto his bed face down, and stares at Yukimura's cell phone. He touches it softly, before flipping it open and diving head first into the personal affairs of the younger man. Texts from Masamune fill his inbox and Sasuke wants to gag. He resists the urge to throw the phone and places it back where he got it.
The sound of shower stops and Sasuke bites his lip. He grabs his phone and shoots a text to Kasuga. He uses Kasuga to forget. Kasuga knows this and Kasuga understand because Kasuga remembers too. She is a shinobi just like him and just like him, she is searching — always searching. They both use each other to forget, just as they always do and always will.
They are all drawn together, but that doesn't mean they will always find each other.
There have been times Sasuke has searched, and hasn't found Yukimura. And like those times, this is a time when Kasuga is still searching for her lord. Sasuke knows the pain. But they have each other. And it's lust, nothing more, they promise each other this, because they had already promised their hearts to others.
Yukimura leaves the bathroom, his hair damp. He's wearing a t-shirt and a red jacket. He's tying his hair back and Sasuke enjoys that he has not changed. Yukimura is grinning as he gathers his books and Sasuke finds himself smiling right along with him. He starts to head out the door, and Sasuke stops him.
"Let me give you a ride."
He drops Yukimura off at the college and the young boy meets Masamune at the stairs. Sasuke growls protectively. It hurts - the way Yukimura smiles and blushes and the way Masamune smirks like a shark. Yukimura doesn't see it because maybe it's not really there. Sasuke watches and he hates it and one day he will be able to sallow his pride and break down in front of Yukimura. But not today.
II.
Sasuke is able to tell how much longer they have by who Yukimura meets. He always meets Masamune first. Shingen is already gone — early and maybe he's stopped reincarnating. It happens from time to time. He spoke about Keiji yesterday. They still have time. Today Sasuke saw Motochika — Tsuruhime not far behind. Sasuke senses another Shinobi at the bookstore while picking through history books for Yukimura. Yukimura doesn't understand his fascination with the Sengoku Era and Sasuke won't be the one to tell him.
Time is passing fast.
Ieyasu and Mitsunari should show up soon. This time's Sekigahara is right around the corner. Sasuke holds his breath. A few more years. It's the wind that alerts him.
"Eh, Kotaro. You remember too." Sasuke is feeling the weight of a book, touching it softly.
It's a shinobi thing, Sasuke thinks.
Fuuma Kotaro's bright red hair is covering his eyes and he turns to look at Sasuke. He nods.
"Found Hojo?"
The air becomes heavy.
"That's a no," he shrugs and pauses, "Kasuga hasn't found Kenshin."
Kotaro picks up a notepad and scribbles something down.
A phone number and an email.
"I'm guessing I shouldn't call..." Sasuke laughs and Kotaro frowns. He's a mute, Sasuke found out. It's not that he won't talk, it's that he can't. He was a different kind of shinobi — but still a shinobi nonetheless. For him, vocal cords are a weakness. Sasuke wonders if he misses talking.
"I'll let Kasuga know where to find you."
He nods and Sasuke buys a pack of gum from him at the front counter along with a book — Sanada Brave Ten. Sasuke meets Kasuga at the cafe. He tells her about Kotaro and Yukimura and how time is passing. They agree to meet back at his apartment. Kasuga is firm in her resolve and there is still time, she says, Kenshin is still out there.
"You should go talk to Keiji," Sasuke offers. "Find him together." Sasuke doesn't mention that Shingen has stopped reincarnating and has reached the End. Kasuga's eyes narrow. She doesn't like Keiji. "Keiji remembers," Sasuke continues. It's strange, but Keiji is at one with all of this and even though he is not a Shinobi, Keiji remembers.
"Keiji is of no concern to me." Her answer is cold but Sasuke knows she will anyway.
"Find him before he finds Magoichi," Sasuke laughs and if it was any other time, she would have thrown a kunai at him. He would have caught it in his mouth too. Like always. She stands up to leave and they exchange no more words. Yukimura would be home soon. Sasuke stretches out on his bed, tossing and catching his phone.
Time continues to pass and Sasuke wonders if he could ever stop it.
And Yukimura still isn't home. Sasuke checks the time. He should have been home hours ago. He's scared suddenly and sits up. The door opens and Yukimura slinks in.
"Oh, Sasuke, you're still awake?" His face is flustered and Sasuke hates it because he knows.
"Studying with Masamune?" His voice is cool, calm and collected. There are marks on his neck and now Sasuke is jealous. This has happened before.
Yukimura blushes, he's sore and it's visible in his movements. "Y-yeah!" Loud as always.
Sasuke hates Masamune.
III.
It was later that night when Yukimura rolls over.
"Sasuke," he whispers and Sasuke shuddered.
"What?"
"I think I like Masamune."
A pause as Sasuke tries to remember how to breathe. He saw this coming, he did. "I know." Sasuke replies. It remained silent.
Then, "I just feel like I've known him forever."
Sasuke turns his head to look at the younger boy. "Do you feel that with me?"
Yukimura thinks for a moment. "I feel that with a lot of people. But with Masamune...It's just..."
"Danna. Get some rest."
IV.
Yukimura cares deeply for Sasuke, but Yukimura was young and naive. Sasuke was proud and prideful and some day he would tell Yukimura the truth — some day but not today. Sasuke doesn't want the day to come, but he knows it would, the day Masamune broke Yukimura's heart. Back then war was the normal and being on different sides was easy. This is not then, though.
Sanada Yukimura is never one to question the strong draw he felt to many of the people he meets, Yukimura takes what he could get. He loves Sasuke and never pays much mind to strangeness of the situation.
Date Masamune, on the other hand, is different.
Yukimura loves Sasuke, this is true. The draw towards the older man isstrong, stronger than most, but so is the draw he felt for Masamune. Sasuke is a presence that was comforting, warm. Masamune is different, he has always been different — dangerous and lovely. Yukimura is not bothered by his attraction, but after years of waiting for Sasuke to make a move, he is pleased that someone is finally showing some interest in him. Yukimura loves Sasuke, but Sasuke is not the kind of man to show emotion as strongly as Yukimura, and Yukimura finally withdrew and gave up trying to get attention from Sasuke. (Even though Sasuke is always, always willing to give it to Yukimura.)
Masamune though, is quick to act, quick to sweep Yukimura off his feet. There is a draw there and at first Masamune isn't in love but Yukimura draws everyone in. But that scares Masamune. The attraction and the feelings. He had never been one for anything but games. This is a game, right? And so, Masamune, scared of his own emotions and scared of being to attached, pushes Yukimura away.
Yukimura at first does not understand. He is confused and naive; not one to jump to conclusions. He is hurt by it, but keeps telling himself that Masamune loves him (and Masamune, on the other side, has to tell himself he doesn't, can't, love Yukimura). As Yukimura withdraws from everyone else, Masamune withdraws from Yukimura.
They are young and they are scared. Sasuke sees it. Sasuke senses it. And Sasuke had knew it all was coming. Yukimura, though, does not talk to Sasuke about it.
Finally, though, it all comes crashing down. Sasuke watches, pained, and Masamune seems simply amused. But inside he is at a turmoil because he wants to fight and he wants Yukimura. Maybe this is Sekigahara (but they knew it wasn't, not yet, not yet. There's still more time).
And Masamune just waves him off, laughing. It was all a game, Tiger, don't get so worked up. Yukimura dies then maybe, emotionally. It tears at Masamune pulling him and his face flashes for a moment in apology.
"You heartless bastard," Sasuke snarls, getting ready to pounce. Keiji hold him back because Keiji knows, Keiji always knows.
"Calm down, Sasuke..." Keiji whispers and it hurts, gods does it hurt.
The one-eyed dragon grins and Yukimura's face is twisted. Sasuke grabs his arm and leads him away. Keiji is disappointed — in them, in the way it turned out, in the pain. Where are their happy endings? Just once, oh gods, give them this.
They split apart then, like Sekigahara (More awkward, less bloodshed). Maybe its easier when there's blood and war because these wounds are harder to heal.
Yukimura doesn't speak for a long time, just stays curled up in bed. Sasuke hates it, hates Masamune.
"It hurts so much, Sasuke," Yukimura whispers, finally; breathing again. The air breaks, mentally, Yukimura dies that day. But isn't there still time? Isn't there still hope? Sasuke grabs the young boy, tried of seeing him hurt, and holds him close to his chest. The sun is setting.
"Danna..." Sasuke breathes.
Yukimura whimpers, hesitates, and returns the embrace. It makes Sasuke's heart jump. Sasuke inhales his scent, and he wants to kiss him.
"W-why do you call me that?" Yukimura asks and it won't be the first nor the last.
Sasuke smiles.
"Because you are my master; my general." —mine.
And Yukimura smiled back slightly and Sasuke almost thinks he remembers. The shinobi brushes back Yukimura's hair, kisses his foreheadsoftly and everything will be okay.
V.
"Sasuke..."
"I'm here, I'm always here."
Yukimura knows, Yukimura feels it. "We died."
Sasuke is shocked but he nods, "We did."
"Why do I remember now?" his head hurts.
Sasuke can't answer because he doesn't know either. He shakes his head. He's remembering, Sasuke feels it. Sasuke wonders if the others are remembering too.
"You need to rest, danna."
Yukimura's head hurts. Sasuke wonders what it's like to remember. Yukimura nods, slowly letting go of Sasuke, and crawls into bed. He falls asleep soon after and Sasuke returns to his own bed.
VI.
Yukimura loves Masamune and it is a draw, a pull, dangerous in itself and poison to all else. Yukimura breaks himself down for Masamune, just to prove it. Masamune, though, isn't one to fall in love, but he is close, too close for his own comfort.
They are all so so so close.
They will kill them all. It is an infection, you know. This whole slow-spreading poison of love and rebirth and pain and the never ending cycle of death. The shinobi know too well that sometimes they don't all come back.
("Lord Kenshin!" And she's crying out for him again and again.
"He's out there." A short and single bout of reassurance and maybe it's true. Sasuke is touching her softly, pleading with her, his head hurts, his heart hurts. He could love her if he tried. He could love her if he could forget. He could love her if not for Yukimura.)
The attraction is terrifying to Yukimura and to Masamune. They are close, always so close, Yukimura thinks. He breathes in the other man's scent. Masamune flinches not from the close contact but because this is not right. Right?
"Do you believe in fate?" The words are faint and Yukimura is staring straight ahead.
"I dunno," a shrug from Masamune, "This just…feels right." A temporary flash into Masamune's heart, his head, his soul. It feels right but it doesn't. He's fighting it, just like he feels they should be at each others neck. Sweat and spears and swords.
What is he thinking? This has to right. (no, no, no) It's just a feeling, always a feeling, never a memory. Sasuke's heart is breaking from across the cityscape. Yukimura almost feels it.
(Sasuke's hands are shaking and it's so so so close. Motochika slaps his back.
"You okay, bro?"
Sasuke, sweating and cursing, bites his lips and nods. The beer clutched in his hands is still burning in this throat.
Motochika laughs, taking a swig of his rum and Keiji is watching Sasuke with eyes that shine with a knowledge he should not possess.)
They don't understand how they both know each other, how they both know more than what has ever been spoken. They go with the flow and it is easy, never forced. Masamune is scared, slightly confused, and concerned.
This isn't how it should be.
It's a thought etched deep into his skin, under it even. They should be fighting, passionate in battle, passionate in rivalry. Not in bed, not in romance. Not. Like. This. Masamune doesn't love Yukimura, love is a game, love is war.
But the war is over? It flashes through his mind.
No. The war is never over. And even though Masamune doesn't remember, he knows this, feels this. They are forced to forever relive it. A curse, Sasuke thinks. A curse from the Demon King, Kasuga muses. Kotaro will always nod in silent agreement.
But this Yukimura doesn't know. This Masamune doesn't know. Masamune feels it. Yukimura though is not as in tune with his past, his senses, as Masamune. Masamune withdraws. This isn't how it should be. It's a slow process, a process they all see coming. Keiji preaches about love. Masamune flirts with others. Sasuke tries to keep Yukimura away. Yukimura sticks closer. Kasuga is searching. Masamune is playing the game.
And Masamune never loved Yukimura, he says, more to himself than to Kojuro who is watching him and maybe it's not just Shinobi who remember. But Kojuro lets it happen because he knows fate cannot be changed.
Masamune never once fought for Yukimura. They were always on opposite sides. It's fate. Sasuke doesn't believe in fate and Sasuke watches it play out in slow motion. The withdrawal and then the betrayal. They can never stop the replay. They will kill them all. Their relationship will be the death of them all. It always puts the whole game into motion and it always ends it. They're all drawn to the relationship of the tiger and the dragon. They're all drawn to the colors red and blue.
Ieyasu is on the move. He's coming in from the East. Mitsunari is working as a reporter, already here. It's so so so close. They are all so so so close. The memories come and go, a slow fade in and out — flashes. They remember, but they don't. They will never remember like Shinobi.
VII.
Yukimura awakes after all is said and done.
"A dream?"
And Sasuke won't tell him.
"We died."
And Sasuke can't tell if he thinks it's true or not.
"What a strange dream."
And Sasuke gives him a halfhearted grunt of agreement. Ignorance is bliss.