I Love You

It was going to happen, one way or another.

She acclimated herself to the hum of the Tantalus Core. All her time spent in the Normandy's engineering deck did that. Now she could barely hear it. Only when she focused on the sound did she notice it was there.

A cold chill ran down her spine, and she shivered. Her hands felt unusually cold. She looked at her palms, and simultaneously noticed her suit. She could suddenly feel it against her skin, constraining her, keeping her away from the environment. Keeping her away from physical contact, away from physical intimacy. Balling her fingers into her palms, she breathed in, and then sighed.

"Shepard," she hushed absently, her soft voice lighter than a whisper. Her violet eyes drew over the backs of her hands as she tightened them into fists. "Why is it so hard to tell you?"

"Come again?" replied a voice, to her amazement.

Tali blinked. She glanced over her right shoulder and caught sight of Garrus, who was staring at her expectantly. She had almost forgotten that he was working here tonight in place of Donnelly and Gabby. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. It felt like a mass had tightened in her windpipe, making it difficult for her to breathe, let alone speak. To avoid further embarrassment, she stumbled over the first thought that passed her mind. "Ah, i-it's nothing," she mumbled. Damn it. She stuttered. Why couldn't she complete a single sentence without tripping over her tongue?

Garrus raised a brow curiously. He knew it wasn't nothing, because why else would she be flustered? But he didn't pursue the matter further. Clearing his throat to break the silence, and possibly to ease the discomfited quarian, he said, "Right. Anyways, that should be it for tonight. I'm heading up. See if I can get some shut eye before we get ourselves killed. Heh. Good night, Tali." He beamed a warm smile, and then offered her a half wave. She didn't respond. She was too busy pretending to be focused on her work.

The soles of his boots resounded with every step he took down the aisle. It was approximately six seconds before Tali heard a jet of pressurized air, signaling that a door had been closed. Those were the longest six seconds of her life. Exhaling sharply once Garrus had left, she shook her head, as if to snap out of her trance. "Pull yourself together, Tali. Tomorrow you're headed straight for the Collector base. You need to keep your mind focused on the mission. You don't have time to think about this."

It was hard to quell her feelings for Shepard, especially these past few weeks. Why was it that she could speak to him easily whenever they were being shot at, but when it came to casual chit-chat she always choked? Maybe she should have imagined him in armor whenever they talked.

Tali's mind circled around Shepard, about how dedicated he was to saving the galaxy. She never met a man so willing to sacrifice everything.

She never met a man so willing to sacrifice everything for her.

Her thoughts shifted to the trial at the flotilla. He spoke with such conviction in his tone, with such power. He was so ardent about defending her, so passionate when it came to protecting her reputation. Could he have had feelings for her too? Why else would he be so fervent? Her heart nearly skipped a beat. Nearly.

"No, that's impossible," she mused, desperately trying to focus on her work. "He thinks of me as he thinks of everyone else. A valuable asset to the team. A good friend." Friend. Just a friend.

But she thought of him more than just a friend. Why couldn't he just see that she cared? Why couldn't she bring herself to tell him? Tali remembered the closeness they shared on Freedom's Progress. She held him close in her own hands, and he held her back. Only he didn't. Not really. He was only holding her suit. She bit down on her bottom lip. How ironic that the armor that kept her alive also kept her away from living a normal life?

Everything always came back to her suit. It prevented her from showing her feelings, her expressions, her emotions. She knew she could never truly fall into a relationship with any non-quarian when taking off her suit spelled death. A self pitying sigh escaped her lips, and she punched the panel in frustration.

"Tali, just keep your mind off of it. It's not important anymore. It's a waste of time to think about. It's…"

"No!" Tali straightened her back, a sudden confident resolve in her posture. "It's not a waste of time to think about! It's important to me! I won't be sorry for myself anymore. I'm going to-!"

The sound of hissing air met her ears. She spun on the soles of her feet, then blinked.

"S-Shepard?"

Shepard's eyes were locked with the floor, but the moment he heard her voice, he stared up at her attentively. His expression rose with surprise. "Tali?"

They spent a few moments looking stupidly at one another, neither one able to start a conversation.

"Now's your chance to tell him! Do it!" she mentally rebuked. She gulped and rubbed her throat nervously, a warm, rosy feeling lying over her cheeks.

Another moment passed. Still silence.

"Tell him now. You won't get another chance. This could be the last time you ever see him again."

Silence.

Shepard was beginning to feel the effects of the silence. Offering a small, awkward smile, he gestured a polite nod and said, "Excuse me." He slowly worked his way around her towards the Tantalus Drive Core, taking two steps and–

"Wait!"

Tali gasped, then covered her mouth with her hands.

Silence.

Shepard stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to face her, his countenance understanding more than curious. "Tali?" he asked, uncertainty laced to his voice.

Tali swallowed hard, then straightened her back. This was her last chance.

"Say it."

Tali opened her mouth. Nothing.

"Say it!"

She tried to speak, but couldn't.

"Just say it!"

"I…"

Silence.

"I…"

"… Tali?"

"… Good night, Shepard." She feigned a smile behind that mask. Not that he could see it.

He answered with a weak smile back. "Good night, Tali."

As Tali turned to leave, she felt something tighten in her chest. Like something had just broken. Putting a hand on her breast, she felt her pulse. She could nearly feel her heart beat through her chest. Her neck slung forwards with shame. She couldn't even bring herself to tell him how she felt. She couldn't even express how much he meant to her. She was pathetic. Worthless. A coward. Glancing over her shoulder one last time, she saw Shepard staring vacantly at the Tantalus Core, his eyes dulled, impassionate. As if he had lost the spark in his life as well. An air of confidence surrounded her. She turned slightly, then took a step forwards.

"Shepard…" she whispered quietly, hoping he could hear her.

Shepard slowly turned.

Tali nearly froze. But she shook her head and continued. "I love…"

Her eyes widened. Shepard stepped forwards and met Miranda in a tight embrace, his hands grasping her thin waist. His lips met with hers as he pulled her in closer.

Tali felt a stinging in her eyes. She couldn't reach them with her mask on, but wiped the area on her mask anyways, in vain. Holding onto her own arms tightly, she raised her shoulders and stole away into the early morning. She could hear the Tantalus Core's hum.

It was going to happen, one way or another.