Title: Why I Married Lily.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. These are borrowed characters.
Summary: Harry visits Godic's Hollow one more time for his much needed closure. But he didn't expect to find out the heart breaking truth that his father kept in for so long. POST DH. Slash, be warned.
Rating: T
Why I Married Lily
Harry slowly pushed aside the rusted door that almost seemed to be falling apart. The place was an absolute wreck. Pieces of burnt furniture, grime, and dirt littered the once handsome floors. Harry felt his heart lurch as he spotted dark maroon stains on the floor. Maybe it was a bad idea coming here in the first place. But he needed closure, he really did. Something in his chest was telling him that he needed to visit Godric's Hollow one last time, escorted by no one.
The smell of the house was terrible, Harry felt as if he could still smell the murder in the air 18 years later. His eyes watered, he shouldn't have come. There was nothing here, nothing that he could take with him.
He came in hopes of finding any item that would be a reminder of his dear parents who sacrificed themselves for him. He needed a part of them in his new home, and that's why he came back. Whatever item he found would be the closure of the unbearable grieve over his parents' early demise.
Harry shook his head, and walked forward determined to find at least one thing that didn't rot over the years. His feet unknowingly kicked a rust covered tin can. Harry continued walking, his eyes catching more smeared maroon stains that still glittered the walls after all those years, he came into an abrupt halt as his forehead hit another rusty door. Harry stepped back wide eyed, this was the same route Voldemort took to find his mother. He felt a shiver down his back, a droplet of sweat fell from his temple. Harry took a deep breath and pushed past the rusty door aside.
The door slowly creaked open, and again Harry felt uncomfortable. Shaking off his unease he walked up the filth covered spiral stairs one by one. When he reached the top of the stairs, his eyebrow shot up. The second floor looked a lot cleaner than the havoc he saw downstairs.
There were only two doors in the second floor, which meant two rooms. Harry's feet dragged him to the door nearest the stairs.
He pushed the dusty door, and it opened it a rather loud squeak. His emerald eyes scanned the room, a tear slid down his cheek. This was his room.
Harry could see faint traces of gold and blue around his room, he expected that it once used to be very handsome. He suspected that murder and negligence for the past 18 years also tore the beauty from the room. There were broken pieces of wood that were scattered in the floor, he suspected it was furniture Voldemort blasted into bits before he killed his mother.
As much as Harry wanted to, he didn't think he could stand walking around the room his mother was killed in. He just couldn't. It was plain to see Harry was holding back unshed tears. Tears he had never been allowed to shed, tears he always hid in, no matter how much he wanted to scream and cry.
A stray tear slid from his emerald eyes, followed by more, and before he knew it, Harry was weeping. Weeping like he ever did before, all of his pain was pouring out of him at once, and all he could do is let the tears fall until there were no more.
After a couple of minutes, a tear stained Harry pulled himself together. He wiped his eyes and glasses with the back of his hand, as he exited his room, but not before taking one last fleeting look at the room and casting it in his memory forever.
Next, he walked toward the other door which was at the end of the hall. As Harry approached the door, he realized the fact that this door was quite smaller than the other one. At first Harry just stared at the door, it was almost as if the door was staring back at him, Harry shook his head again. He reached for the sliver doorknob and turned it, but no luck, it was locked. Harry tried turning the knob harder, but still no luck. He continued to stare at the door, why was it locked? All the other doors were open, but why this one.
Harry's curiosity was peaked. From his robes he extracted his wand, and softly murmured "Alohomora", and a melodic click was heard. With his free hand, Harry pushed open the door, stepping inside the locked room.
His mouth was agape as he took in the room. It wasn't like the rest of the house at all, it didn't look at all damaged. Maybe a bit dusty, but otherwise unharmed. There was a big desk at the end of the room, followed by a bookcase, and a couple of rickety chairs. Harry thought the room looked like an office of some kind, he figured that it was probably his dads.
Harry's feet led him to his father's desk. There were scattered old papers on it, newspaper clippings, and other rubbish that Harry paid no mind to. Harry' focus was on a photo that was sticking out from one of the drawers on the desk. He slowly reached for the photo, and tugged on it lightly, but it refused to budge. The drawer was shut tight, no wonder he couldn't get it out. Harry pulled the drawer open, and the picture fell inside the drawer landing on top of a rumpled parchment.
To Harry's surprise the drawer was empty except for the photo, which now lay flat down and the crumpled parchment. His hand etched toward the photo, picking it up and facing it towards him.
It was a picture of Sirius, no one else just Sirius. Standing there smiling, looking as haughty and handsome as ever.
Harry wondered why his father had a picture of Sirius there. Of course it wouldn't have been weird at all if there were any other pictures in the room, but there weren't. There wasn't even a picture of his mum there. Shrugging, he pocketed the picture, hoping to frame it in his new house.
Then Harry's eyes wandered back to the crumpled parchment that lay inside the drawer, he retrieved it.
The parchment looked as if someone opened it, crumpled it, and left it there. Had anyone else been to Godric's Hallow before him? No, no one could have. This place was empty for 18 years, no one would dare to enter it after Voldemort left his mark there.
Harry unscrambled the parchment, laying it flat against the desk. It seemed to be a letter of some sort. He tried flattening it again, and brought the parchment up to his face at reading level, and he read.
Dear Padfoot,
I'll probably be dead by the time you read this. Cheesy isn't it? I swear you better laugh at my last attempt for a joke. If you are reading this, then let me continue.
First and foremost, I want you to take Harry. If for some reason I die, I want you to raise him. There is no one I rather see raise Harry than you. I know you can be a bit of an idiot sometimes, but I bet Harry will grow up to be one too. Just like his father, and godfather eh? Secondly, I want you to give him my cloak, which is now with Dumbledore, make sure to fetch it and give it to him before he goes to Hogwarts. Thirdly, I want you to raise him as your own. You git! I know you'll raise him as your own, so why am I telling you this? Parental concerns, I guess. I turned into such as pansy haven't I?
Anyways moving on, I also want you to know things that I haven't been able to tell you when you were alive. Be attentive Padfoot, because now things will get a bit Sirius. Geddit? SIRIUS! Ha! I still crack myself up with that. But really, this will get Sirius. HA!
Oi! Stop laughing, the joke was only funny once.
Okay now, I want to tell you something Padfoot. I want to tell you why I married Lily. Your eyebrows are probably raised right now? Right? Gods you are so predictable Padfoot, I know you more than I probably know myself. I know what you are thinking as well. You are thinking that I married Lily because I love her right? Wrong. No Padfoot, I didn't marry her out of love. Wait, yes I did. I did marry her out of love. But the love wasn't for her. The love was for you.
I know you were probably staring at the letter for a good minute not comprehending what you've just read. So here, let me say it again. I LOVE YOU PADFOOT.
I do, I love you. No, not as a brother, but as my lover.
I love you Padfoot. Gosh, it feels so good to say it. And I am dead! Isn't that funny? Nah, I am guessing that isn't funny. It's ironic how I am expressing my deepest feelings to you from the grave. I am laughing right now, but I do have bitter tears in my eyes.
My life is a joke Padfoot, every second of it. The only Siriusness I had was when you were around me. Geddit? I know what you are thinking. You are contemplating why I am such a git, even from the dead eh? I can't believe you Padfoot! You are making jokes about me being dead! Those better be angry tears or I swear I'll come out of my grave to haunt you.
Anyways moving on, I am tending to get a bit off topic aren't I? Anyways, yes, so I loved you. Yes, loved you like a lover. I wanted to build a life with you. YaDa YaDa YaDa. You get my drift, right? Yes.
Okay, moving on. I realized my attraction toward you in my sixth year. Remember that day when Wormtail was in the Hospital wing because the idiot eat two whole bags worth of Every Flavored Beans, and kept throwing up boogey flavored beans. Now, I know what you are thinking, how did I know that Wormtail's throw up was boogey flavored? Well, some might have went into my mouth. Yuck. I am shuddering. Please don't tell Moony! If he is alive, he will probably laugh his tail off. Anyways, it was that day I realized I loved you.
I was sprawled across the floor of our dorm, pretending to read Quidditch Through The Ages. While you were sitting down next to me, completely absorbed with your Runes essay.
Sometimes when you were not looking, I used to watch you study. Gods you looked so good. Your hair used to fall in front of your face, and you always nibbled your bottom lip. Gosh, I loved it when you did that. So sexy.
So there I was again, pretending to read the darn Quidditch book, when secretly I was watching you. You were sitting there working on you essay. I asked myself why I continue to stare at you? But I had no answer.
I asked myself why I watch you study? Why my heart lurches when you call me Prongsie? Why my stomach pummels when I stare into your disturbingly stormy grey eyes? Why?
And then it hit me. I was in love with you. I was in love with my best friend. I was in love with Mr. Padfoot.
It seemed as if my world was crashing in front of me. What happened to Lily? It was as if she was completely erased from my mind. I loved you, and only you.
I loved you since the day I met you, Lily was just a distraction to get me away from you. She was nothing, while you were everything.
You were my best friend, my confidant, my love, and most of all my life. She was nothing. I loved you more than any one else.
NOW, I know what you are thinking. So why didn't I just tell you?
Well, it wasn't that easy mate, and now I am guessing you are figuring out why I didn't tell you. Yes, Padfoot, good work! You figured it out all by yourself. You deserve a clap on the back.
Remus.
Yes, Remus.
Remus is the reason I didn't tell you. Remus took you from me. That werewolf had what I needed to survive. He had you.
It wasn't supposed to be like that! It was supposed to me Sirius and James, not Sirius and Remus. It doesn't even sound good together. We were best friends! We were closer than anyone else! So why the hell did you have to go for Remus? What did he have that I didn't Padfoot? What? Was it how I looked? Was it because you thought me as a brother? Or was it because you never looked at me like that? What was it?
Damn, I sound like a hormonal teenager. See what you do to me Padfoot? This is all your fault.
If only you hadn't gotten with Moony. I would have never married Lily. I would have been married to you. We would have been Mr. and Mr. Black. You would have been my husband. You would have been the person I woke up to every morning. You would have been everything. EVERYTHING.
But no, that didn't happen. I was stuck with Lily, who was nothing to me. Nothing.
Deep down, I knew she didn't love me either, although she never told me. She pretended like she loved me, as I did her. But I knew, she loved Snape. Can you believe it? She was in love with that greasy git! Not that I care. But eww.
I know you are taking a while to register this Padfoot, we all know how slow you are when it comes to dealing with emotions, but this is the truth. I only married Lily because I couldn't have you. I married her because I love you.
Yes, Padfoot, if you still don't get it…
I LOVE YOU PADFOOT.
I love you more than I ever loved anyone, possibly even more than Harry.
Once again, I don't know if I'll be able to say this anytime soon.
I love you Padfoot.
Love,
Prongsie.
It seemed to take a while to draw Harry back from his reverie. He couldn't believe what he just read. His parents, the people who he thought loved each other beyond all, never really loved each other at all. Their hearts belonged to other people they couldn't have. His father was in love with Sirius. Oh gods. Harry never even knew Sirius was gay. He couldn't believe it. No matter how many times he racked his brain over and over again, he still couldn't understand it. His father was in love with his godfather.
Harry vaguely wondered if Sirius knew, even if he did, he would have never told Harry, knowing the lasting damages it would have on him.
James and Lily hadn't been a happy couple at all. They were actors to everyone but themselves. They were torn up lovers, whose loves remained unrequited.
A stray tear slid down Harry's cheek. No matter how much he wanted to hate his father for loving Sirius. He didn't, he couldn't. His father didn't do anything wrong. His father fell in love? Was that wrong? No it wasn't.
Dumbledore said that love was the greatest strength anyone had. And if his dad loved Sirius, Harry was fine with that.
Without hesitation he pulled the picture of Sirius that he had pocketed before, and he refolded the letter that was meant for Sirius. Harry softly placed it back in the drawer, and shut it closed.
And with that he exited his father's old office, but instead of finding closure he found a great truth about their lives he never knew before, and that to Harry was more than what closure had to offer.
If Harry really took a good look at the letter, he would have seen a tiny scrawl in the back of the parchment that read 'I love you too, Prongsie' in neat elegant handwriting that didn't match the messy handwriting of his father.
A/N: WHEW! Omg. Was that crazy or what? MY FIRST SLASH FIC! Oh my god my first slash fic! Omg! I am so happy right now. Please tell me what you think, this is my first REAL slash oneshot. Please review. Thanks!