The first night back was the strangest for them all, each tossed and turned in the cotton sheets opposed from their usual silken threads from their thrones back in Narnia. Edmund found sleep before the others, while Lucy drifted, Susan crept from her room to the sitting room joined to Peter's. She sighed when she could clearly hear the other's snores, and wrapped her robe around her tightly as she climbed into a worn leather chair next to a large bay window. Overlooking the bare garden, she recalled the one that flourished under her balcony back in Narnia and how sweet the flowers scented the air. Caught up in her memories she barely noticed that Peter had joined her.
"Couldn't sleep either?" he remarked as he flopped down in the chair aside from her. His blond hair was messy and unkept, she noticed it then recalled her own that was hung loosely at her shoulders. Oddly, she wondered how her own was dark and his so light and closely matched that of their father's, but her own matched nothing to that of neither their parents.
"No," she replied, and kept her view looking out of the window. "But I think the other's are asleep."
"I still cant believe that we are back and it was as if we were only missing for mere seconds." he said also looking out the window, trying to find what she was staring at. "I mean...we were there for years."
"I know."
The massive grandfather clock rang out, marking that is was midnight. Both of them looked at each other, first Peter yawned and Susan finished it and smiled. The air between them was ridged and odd, both looked away from each other quickly and rose from the chairs.
"Better get some sleep." Susan murmured, turning toward her room.
"Good night." smiled Peter as he did the same. The night captured them both in their dreams, but soon the sun rose and called them from their beds.
"Susan!" cried the familiar voice of her little sister Lucy as she jumped on her bed and pulled back the blankets. "Wake up! Wake up!"
"I hear you, I hear you." Susan mumbled as she sat up and fought the urge to push Lucy off the bed. "What is it?"
"I was wondering...could we...?" Lucy continued until Susan caught on.
"The Professor explained that we wont be able to return," Susan saw her sister begin to frown. "Not directly, anyway. We were summoned to Narnia when they needed us, and now they don't."
"I for one believe that they need their kings and queens." her bedroom door opened to reveal Edmund, dressed and ready to go. "Aslan did say that once and king and queen of Narnia, always a king and queen."
"Yes, but he never mentioned that it might change when we came back." Peter added as he came in also already dressed. Susan then pulled up the blankets to her chin.
"Could I possibly have the chance to get up and ready?" her voice was harsh, but it made the rest of them smile and slowly follow one another out. Peter was the last to leave, closing the door behind him, he winked as the door clinked into place. Getting up, she eased her way to the mirror, she looked at herself closely. Something was different, she felt different...something was odd and she couldn't put her finger on it.
"Why cant we go back?" Edmund demanded, slamming his fist down on the breakfast table. It was just the three of them at the moment, Peter was staring at the door and slowly brought his spoon filled to his mouth but not paying any attention fully missed his mouth as Susan walked through the door.
"Maybe you should watch what you are doing?" Susan laughed as Peter raced to wipe the spilled oatmeal from his chin.
"Is anyone listening to me?" Edmund roared from the table. "Narnia needs us! Peter is High King, and we all had our duties!"
"Narnia was at peace, Ed." Peter put down his spoon and reached for the pitcher of juice to refill his glass and top off Lucy's. "Besides, this is our true lives. What about mom and dad? And the Professor? This is our true home."
"How can you sit there and say that? Narnia is also our home! We saved them!" Edmund stood up.
"Still just as spoiled as ever, aren't you!" Peter did the same and pushed his chair back with his legs. "All you ever cared about was yourself! You haven't changed at all!"
"In my opinion, neither of you have changed." Susan said levelly, both of them shot their gazes at her. "Edmund is as conceited as ever, and you Peter are as bossy as you have ever been."
"Oh, and you have changed so much Miss High and Mighty?" Edmund brought his wrath down on her. "Think you know everything all of a sudden?"
"What I do know Ed, is that we shouldn't devote our whole lives to going back," she looked to Peter. "Like Peter said, this is our home."
"Always on his side!" Edmund yelled and marched out of the room. Lucy sat and enjoyed her breakfast, despite her siblings. Peter grabbed at his chair and sat back down as Susan chose her own chair aside from Lucy.
"Like I actual take sides in this sort of thing." Susan eyes darted from Peter and Lucy as she reached for a glass.
"Yes, well you two do always stick together." Lucy said then crammed a spoonful of oatmeal in her mouth.
Peter and Susan exchanged glances, but he soon declared he was finished and raced out. Lucy and Susan was left and remained silent, till Mrs. McCredy barged in with several letters in her hands.
"To each of you," she handed two out to the girls. "From your mother. I'll give the other's their's later."
Lucy, out of a fit of pure joy, hugged her letter and raced out to enjoy it all to herself. Susan, thankful for the quiet, set aside her breakfast and ripped the envelope. Scanning the letter, she soon stopped and then continued to actually pay attention to her mother's letter.
Dearest Susan,
The war progresses and I feel that it is time for you to know the truth . Your father and I love you very much, in our eyes you are our daughter but we have kept this secret from you too long and I fear that I may never see you again to tell you in person. You are adopted, actually your mother brought you to us, she was poor and sick and knew that we wanted children. We never saw her after she gave you to me wrapped in a blanket. Oh Susan, I wanted to tell you so many times...but it never seemed to matter, we loved you and you loved us and that is all that mattered. I hope you wont hold this against your father and I, we only did what we thought was right and not tell you until now. I love you, and please look after the others.
Love always,
Mother
Susan slowly folded the letter back, setting it down she leaned back in her chair and stared at the piece of paper. She couldn't believe it, her whole life...not exactly a lie but not really being their daughter nor the sister to Edmund, Lucy and Peter. With open eyes she thought of Peter, how awkward their actions had been toward one another, did he know? He was clearly two years her senior, could he possibly remember one day their mother being handed a baby wrapped in a blanket and then soon called his sister? She wanted to ask him, to tell them all...but she would never know how to bring it up. Then thoughts of other parents entered her mind, her mother said that her true mother was poor and sick, but what about her father? What was their story, where did they come from, where did she come from? All these questions raced in her mind, too fast for her logic to answer them. She dared to write back, what would she say? Report to her mother that she oddly has known this her entire life, that she has growing tensions toward Peter?
The dining room door opened and Peter barged in, along with his letter clutched in his hand. He looked angry, and quickly Susan grabbed her own letter and crammed it into her pocket.
"Have you read yours?" Peter asked, his face creased with annoyance. "Mine is nothing but ordering me about, asking me to care for the younger ones and keep an eye on you. There was no "I miss you" or "how are things?" She simply demands that I take care of you all, which is fine, but she is acting as if I don't already!"
"You know she means well, Peter." Susan sat up and patted him on the shoulder. "Just that it bothers her that she isn't here with us."
"Yes, its just a bother really." he calmed down. "I wanted to join the army, you know. She wouldn't let me, is all. I want to be near father, and do some good for more than my family."
"You know you are too young Peter!" Susan said almost in a fear that he would leave and join anyway. "And what would we do without you, God only knows where Father is."
God only knows who my father really is, is more like it. Susan thought to herself. Or for that matter if he is still alive and who is my mother as well.
"I know," Peter saw a glint of concern in her eyes. "No need to worry though, I will never leave you...or the others. What did your letter say?"
Susan paused and fought with herself on how to answer, "Just the usual, to help you with Edmund and Lucy, to care for them as she would...and to keep you under control."
"Me?" Peter laughed. "It is Ed who needs to be under control."
"Yes, well you don't do much better when he gets you going." she replied swallowing a guilty lump down her throat. "But we should try to makes things easier since we are back, try to keep their minds away from Narnia."
"Do you not miss it?" Peter asked sitting down next to her. "Miss our friends or who we were?"
"I know who I am." Susan lied, she knew very far from the fact. "I do miss them, but I also missed this world when we were away, but yes. I miss Narnia very much, we left in such a hurry we left them with new worlds starting..."
"It all seems like a dream now, like a dream that hardly ended."
"Yes, but we mustn't keep to our dreams, Peter." Susan said and then sighed as she slumped in her chair, she didn't notice his soft smile as he watched her.
"How can you always be so logical? That brain of your's never stops, it just keeps on taking the abstract and making it into fact." he rose and grabbed her hand and brought her up with him.
"Someone has to in this family." she had said it, then sadly wished she could take it back. It was true, no matter how she would like to look around it, they were family. Despite a embarrassing blood test, they shared the same parents. She loved the same people that Peter called mother and father, in her eyes they were her true parents, but not matter how she viewed the question, she felt something other than sibling love for her elder brother Peter.
As he held her hand he couldn't help but try to suppress this feeling of mad butterflies beating themselfs against his ribs. His smile faded as he felt Susan take her hand back, but was over joyed that she joined him in trying to locate the others outside. It was hardly a fun thing to find the two younger children together, it always ended in them fighting. Edmund yelling at Lucy which always brought her to tears and then her hitting him, ending in Edmund's tears of pain and embarrassment. Other than the worries of his siblings quarrels, the problem now was how he felt about his elder sister, Susan. When she walked into a room, his stomach jumps and he constantly tried to create conversations that she would have to answer or die. He wanted to keep her in his eye sight at all time, but then it would hit him hard that he was having all these emotions over his sister. It would sicken him to the point of prayer, where he could only ask God for deliverance from his feelings. How could something like this happened, the thought of Susan both made him free and happy, but also self-hating and confused.
"When do you suppose they will stop fighting?" he laughed as he caught sight of them chasing each other around a tree. "Ed leave her alone!"
Nursing a black eye, Edmund stopped and ran to Peter and Susan. "It's all her! Look what she has done!"
"Serves him right, he said that we would never return to Narnia if Susan had her way!" Lucy walked to her other siblings and chose to stand near Susan.
They all stared down at Edmund, who if at all possible, would have made himself shrink and run away. "I'm sorry, Susan."
"There is no need, Edmund." Susan said, they all looked at her surprised. "If I did have my way, we would never return."
Shocked, Peter experienced a emotion he had never had toward Susan, anger. "Susan, why are you so set against not going. Narnia is much as our responsible as this world is."
"I just don't see why we should bother, this is our world! We have much more important things to settle here!" she said loudly, she desperately wanted to explain why Narnia was far from her mind, she wanted nothing more than to learn to truth about her parentage. She had no wanting to run away from a life she just found turned upside down.
"Does this mean that if we were to return you would not?" Peter asked. "You would stay here?"
"Someone has too, time may not pass in Narnia and here but I have things to settle." she replied honestly.
Totally missing her point, Peter pressed onward. "You cannot win the war here, Susan. All we have here is time to wait and hope for the war to end."
"Then I shall wait."
The next few weeks were quiet and distant, three of the siblings had joined up in the search to return and one stayed either in her room or the library where she fought with herself on a pending letter to her mother. Already sending her own written work back, she waited for her mother's next installment. Recalling what she had written...
...Should I tell the others?...
She could only guess what her mother could possibly advise. Its not an everyday occurrence that one would have to tell your family that you are no longer apart of, or for that matter, been a true blood relative the whole time of knowing them. She dared not reveal any of her feelings to her mother, not that she would but she kept her letter very cut and dry. Her mother was no doubt going through hard times, constantly worrying about the safety of her husband and children, her own protection came after the fact. She heard the soft click of the library door, turning she found Peter squinting in the darkness.
"No windows Susan?" he laughed as he found the drapes and opened them, he halfway figured he would have heard her hiss by the way she had been acting. "Well, I just came to tell you that Mother has sent letters to each of us."
She perked up and dodged toward the door, "Oh really? That's good, I've been waiting for my next one."
Light on his feet, he caught her and stood before her in the doorway. "What is up with you, Susan? You've been acting so weird here lately, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."
"Nothing, just let my by." she said trying to push him out of her way, but he barely bolted. She could smell his scent, a delightful mixture of his hormones seeping through his growing body and a sweet scent of honeysuckles. She noticed his tan arms, a sign that he has spent much of his time outside where she his total opposite, has spent most her days tucked inside the lair of the Professor's study.
"No, we used to be able to talk about everything." he said, noticing every inch of her as she pushed against him. "Why have you changed?"
"People change!" she said and with all her might pushed him down, his finger's slipping from the doorway, they both came crashing down. She on top of him, they caught each other in a dead lock star into a pair of blue eyes belonging to Peter and a pair of warm honey of Susan's. Minutes passed as they laid there, shocked about what just happened and just caught up in the moment. Susan noticed that ever so silently Peter's lips were edging their way to hers, thinking fast she did what she seemed the right thing to do in a situation such as this. Taking her weight off her right hand, she punched Peter in the face.
"OW!" he screamed as he held his nose as it spouted blood between his fingers. "What the bloody hell was that for!"
"I'm so sorry!" she yelled, grabbing his elbow as he tilted his head back, she guided him to the kitchen. "I didn't mean it!"
"It bloody felt like you meant something!" he said as he reached for a wet rag to whip the blood away. "I never would have thought you would hit me."
"You wouldn't get out of my way," she said trying to be as sympathetic as she would let herself. "Its entirely your fault."
"My fault?" he said removing the blood stained rag and facing her, the kitchen door swung open to bring in Lucy, Edmund and the Professor.
"Oh my, what has happened here?" the Professor asked slowly making his way to Peter. Cupping the boy's chin in he hand he turned his head which ever way to examine him more closely. "No serious damage, I'm afraid. I take it that this is the handy work of Susan?"
Edmund and Lucy eyes Susan, the past weeks had not earned her any points with the two, and now with hitting their leader it proved to be a bad move. Surprisingly, Peter made a little bridge to fix it between the four of them.
"It wasn't her fault," he said eyeing her guilty frown as she looked away from him. "I provoked her, Professor."
"I believe that all is well now," he released Peter and turned to eye Susan. "Are you feeling alright, I have been told that you have been experiencing some...troubles?"
"No sir." Susan looked up at t he Professor, it was never the fact that he gave her any fear, but a stare from the man gave you the wanting to slink away unnoticed if at all possible. "I was only wanting the letter from my mother."
"Ah yes, I was informed that your mother has found a way to write the four of you." he said softly, even the war bothered him though he saw to it that the children heard very little about it. "But it seems that while the two of you were...confront each other, Edmund and Lucy have discovered-"
"The door has opened!" Lucy cried loudly.
"What door?" Susan asked.
"The door you idiot! The door to Narnia!" Edmund cried louder. Peter and Susan exchanged glances.
"Aren't we going?" Lucy tugged at Peter's hand. "Come before it closes again!"
"What about you Professor?" Peter asked, he of all people was most interested in the place that the children had went on about. "Will you join us?"
Torn, Susan stood before them, she knew that in her heart she also wanted to return to Narnia, a place that offered her a rank of queen and power that her own world denied her. She looked to the Professor, his own face was constricted in deep thought and then he smiled to them.
"If you would permit it so, Peter. I would enjoy it very much to see your world of Narnia." he replied and Lucy let go of Peter's hand and grabbed the old man's instead.
"Let us hurry then, Professor!" She laughed and dragged him and Edmund out of the kitchen, leaving Peter and Susan to themselves.
"I dare say we need to pack." Susan said moving to follow the others, but Peter grabbed her arm. "Haven't we been through this already, Peter?"
"You don't have to go," he said softly then he remembered the object of her concern and grabbed the letter from the table. "We don't have to go."
Seeing the letter in his hand she grabbed it, "I already have all I need, let's go."
"Am I missing a few coats in here?" the Professor asked as Lucy, who was in the lead, tugged him through forest of coats. "These were my mother's mind you."
"No need for fur coats anymore, Professor!" Edmund cheered as he helped push the old man through the wardrobe. "Peter! Susan! Is that you behind us?"
"Yes Ed, keep pushing on!" Peter had grabbed Susan hand as they heaved their way into Narnia, their distant memories brought them to halfway expect a snow covered world on the other end but instead was greeted by the court they had once left.
Trumpets blared as the littlest queen entered her dominion, "Hello everyone!"
But as it was seen that the kings and queens had returned back to their original state, the court before them stood confused and one fawn was crestfallen. A centaur, once the trusted general of the High King's army, stepped forward.
"Who is the other man of Adam that you bring, my lady?" he asked, his hand firmly rested in his sword.
"A Professor from our world," Lucy said smiling broadly.
As Peter emerged with Susan the entire parade of creatures seemed to go at ease with the sight of their High King present. Without much of a welcome they were escorted back to their grand castle. Changed and dressed in Narnia's finest, a fine dinner was set before them. Edmund and Lucy were all too excited while Peter seemed to have his mind else where and Susan merely entertained the Professor as he questioned every last detail about Narnia. After the feast, tired from their delight, Edmund and Lucy found their quarters all to fast, leaving Susan and Peter to wander their sleepless marbled halls to meet outside in one of the gardens.
"Thankful for the moonlight," Susan smiled as she met her brother by the pale roses. "I feel at peace once more, but you are troubled?"
"Troubled indeed," Peter turned to lean on a carved statue of Aslan. "I thought that returning here would ease all our pains, but it seems it has caused a few more than I had intended. Did Lucy ever speak to you about Tumnus?"
"No, nothing but it was obvious wasn't it?" she smirked plucking a bloom and cuddling it in one hand. "I saw his face when we came through the wardrobe, I've never seen him so sad."
"Do you blame him? We leave without a word, and return...children? He was in love with her, and from what I have taken...he was planning on asking to marry her." Peter sighed and held his head in his hand as he sank to rest beside the massive statue. "I can imagine what he is going through, he cant have her and can't even talk to her about it, she is so young."
"I had almost forgotten how young we were when we first came here." she said, and looked down at Peter and joined him. Forgetting her etiquette she sat crossed legged, fixing her dress to make sure it properly draped across her knees she sat next to him. "But it seems that she herself has forgotten. One thing I have come to know about Narnia, it is a place of forgetting. Remember, we barely even knew the street lamp when we saw it."
"But what are we going to tell Tumnus?" Peter kept to the same subject. "Sorry Mate, wait till she's older...again?"
"Sometimes we cant all ways have what we want," Susan said without thinking. "No matter how much we think we love them or deserve them."
"Is that how you feel about things, Sue?" he asked, taking that plunge in which she was barely listening. "That you want something but can't have it?"
Blinking at his words, she turned to face him. His eyes were dead set on her, then it happened. Without warning or without asking, he quickly kissed her lips. Ever so silently at first, without hesitation she continued to kiss him back. He brought his hands up to her face, gently and then with full forced ran his finger's through her hair, pulling every inch of her closer to him. Not fighting she took her own hand and brought him to her, her hands gripped his neck. Every kiss turned into another, slowly each other them began to move downward, nimble finger's fought to find clasps and buttons...and then, his finger's found her necklace. A locket given to her by their parents, her name engraved on the front and inside it held two tiny pictures of their mother and father. It was too much for him to handle, he then pushed her away. Their lips made a smacking sound as they released one another.
Susan's hands went immediately to clasp back her collar and then she two found what had stopped him, she didn't know what to say and just as she was about to tell him of her secret he was gone. No sign of him, he had left her...left her in his disgust and rage. In tears and pure sickness she raced to her room, bolted the door then continued to fall on her bed where she laid there and cried until morning, when only the sun gave her any peace she fell asleep.