Waiting till forever
What do you do when the person you love deserves the world but all you can give is shamed love and secrecy? She says she'll wait for you forever, even if it means never being able to shout from the rooftops that you are hers, but how do you know? What if one day she meets someone who will proudly hold her hand, kiss her on the streets, do the things people who love each other should do without fear of who will know and who will judge? Will she really give all that up to remain hidden behind your wall of insecurities, hoping one day you will be able to realize they mean nothing? She says it so clear that she wants you but you're never sure. Everything is hanging on her; you are there for the ride. If she stays you have everything you need to be happy, you get your dream girl, you get to feel everyday what it means to love and be loved. But it's all contingent on her, if one day she leaves you have nothing, your whole world and every good thing that exists in it will be gone because she is your world. You will always fear that one day what you have will crash and burn. She is your most precious possession that you try your hardest to keep, yet no grasp of yours is strong enough to secure her. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye. She's so selfless, and you're ashamed to have any affiliation with her that is questionable, it makes you cry at night that you cannot give her the little she asks for.
You're scared, and she understands. The fear, it drains you, it takes from the happiness you have in her because it's always there, and any moment your life could become the horror film you play in your head every night and every time you consider taking the step. From around the corner, a whisper, a look of disdain, a mocking remark, or a blatant insult, you don't know which is worse or which you'd choose, you know you could avoid them all if you had a little courage to step out. The world may still hate you, and they may still make your life a living hell, but it would be because of your choice because you are doing it for you, your own peace of mind, because you have the right to feel the way you feel, you have the right to be who you are. And you're doing it for her because you love her. And don't they say love is an unstoppable force? That it is unconquerable, that people do the supernatural in the name of love? It's been publicized for centuries on paper, broadcast through screens, on the radio, through timeless pictures. You tell yourself that if she can love you enough to love through all circumstances than you can will yourself to show her you will try to scale the wall. You want her to be happy, it's what you've always wanted even before your own happiness, but you don't know how it ended up this way. She's sacrificing for you and what are you giving her in return, empty promises? She says she believes in you but you don't even believe in yourself. If there is one thing you can give her before you die, it's the knowledge that you love her and don't care who knows. It's all she's ever asked of you really. Your money means nothing to her; she doesn't ask for gifts, she doesn't think of making your relationship a show. All she wants is for you to be proud of her when you walk together hand in hand, for you to esteem her in the presence of others like you do under the cover of night in your bed, she wants to hear you call her "baby" and all those other words of endearment that melt her heart and turn her into the biggest smiley to ever grace the planet. The little things that matter are all she desires. You don't even have to say you love her for the whole cafeteria to hear, or show up at her door with roses on prom night. Those are bonuses, all she wants is you and every part of you, especially the corners that shy away from the daylight and harbor fear. Those parts that keep you from truly being who you are, you know that in her hands they can become the most beautiful chambers of passion and emotion.
The decision is yours, she won't push you, that's the thing of the year gone by, she won't ask you again, only slightly urge. She's willing to go through hell with you if only you'll take the first step; her hand will never leave yours, it's a promise. Climbing the fence will be painful, leave you with ugly marks, inerasable punctures, an experience you never want to have and will never forget. But if she is there with you than maybe, just maybe it'll be worth the memory. And you know if you can make it through hell and past the fence than you only have the best to look forward to, and the best part is you will have her with you along the whole way. It makes you smile through your turmoil just a little bit because that glimpse of the other side is to die for. There is no question in your mind if you want to go there because for you it will be worth it. The question is when and how soon. Will you be the one to push yourself to the point of breaking? Or will you wait for the seasons to cycle before you are determined enough to try?
You only have to look in her eyes, every time you do you feel a surge of energy, you tell yourself you can do this. It won't be long now till you both get your fairytale ending. You are ready to slaughter the giants, traverse the precarious roadways, and face the uncertainties because she is your beacon of light, you can't go wrong. She feels it too, that you are about to embark on the journey you swore you'd never undertake. And she's sending you a message that she is there for you, she's just as vulnerable, and scared as you are but unlike you she has courage and if she has to have enough for both of you to make it to the other side then so be it. She won't let you down midway, and you tell yourself for her, you won't crumple either, even if you trip, tumble or fall, you will get up again every time.
It's your resolution, and the first thing on your list come hell and brimstone it's what you have to do. Not because she's asking it of you but because the thought of how one day she may not be there when you get home is heart breaking, it would mean you failed the only person you ever loved, and it is not an option.
You resolve that tomorrow you will do something to show you mean business, ready or not. You want her to know she will not have to wait for you forever, even if it takes you almost forever to get there, there will be a day she can have everything she wants, asks and deserves. And you will both be happy, in this imperfect world you will have each other shamelessly, without a care of what the world thinks, because all that will matter will be you and her together.