Falcon PAWNCH!
Hey! I'm Douglas, but most people know me as CAPTAIN FALCON!
I'm here to tell you a bit about myself! My name is what I just told you it was! Now, let me ask you. Have you ever wondered who's the one that finds and recruits people for Smash Bros. tournaments? It's me, the expert bounty hunter!
My position started when I beat Samurai Goro (In yet another) race! One of the "people" in the audience was this giant glove-hand thing. After the race, he walked up to me and offered me a bounty hunting job! Of course, I agreed, because I'm a Nintendo character, I've seen crazier. Plus, he offered me like a million of those cool Smash Bros. symbol coins! I'd have to play through Subspace Emissary like, a thousand times for that much.
The first guy he told me to catch was Mario. Now, this was pretty simple. I went to Adeleine and asked her to paint a picture of Master Hand for me. The girl loves painting, so she did it. I then took the Blue Falcon and raced over to Peach's Castle, Falcon Pawnched, all of the Toad's in my way and put the painting in the lobby, and a couple minutes later, that plumber jumped in and was in that Smash Bros. place! And I then started planning to find the next smasher… Link.
The guy, no offense to any other Smasher, is probably one of the smartest guy in the series, but he's easy to threaten. All I had to do was buy a Cucco and walk up to him. Then, I took out my gun and pointed it to the freak chickens head. Link tried to run away, but I chased after him. Eventually, he agreed to be a Smasher, and I let the Cucco go.
And by let it go, I mean I punched it, it attacked Link, I ran away, and a couple minutes later I picked up the knocked out Hylian and took him to Master Hand.
Next was Pikachu. This one took the longest time. Y'see, only Pokemon Red and Blue were out at the time, so there was one place where I could find Pikachu. Viridian Forest. I spent literally two hours pacing back and forth until I found one. Here's how the battle played out:
A wild PIKACHU attacked!
What will CAPTAIN FALCON do?
CAPTAIN FALCON used FALCON PAWNCH.
It's SUPER EFFECTIVE!
PIKACHU used THUNDER.
CAPTAIN FALCON avoided the attack!
CAPTAIN FALCON threw a POKEBALL at PIKACHU.
*Wiggle*
*Wiggle*
*Wiggle*
CAPTAIN FALCON caught the WILD PIKACHU!
So, as you can see, I caught the mouse in a shocking way! Hah! Did- did you see what I did there? Screw you. It was hilarious. So, after that turn based chore, I gave the Pokeball Pikachu was in to Master Hand, who's hand (face?) is so big he couldn't even hold the Pokeball right.
Next was Samus Aran. Y'see, Mario was easy. So was Link. Pikachu was time consuming. Samus? Freaking impossible! I had to travel all the way to some stupid planet that the Space Pirates were invading. Not so hard, I've faced worse stuff, but that Ridley freaks me out. Plus, I'm not really used to such complicated maps, so it took like, an hour to find Samus. Then, I tried to falcon PAWNCH Ridley, who she was fighting, so I could talk to her, but that dick didn't stand there for five seconds so I could kill him! I know, isn't he just a huge D-Bag?
So, Samus killed Ridley, and we ran back to our ships. I followed her 'till we landed, then I took out a stun gun and shot her with it, and took her to Master Hand. She still thinks I'm a jerk. She's sort of right, but not for that.
Then is was time for Yoshi. This was literally the easiest bounty ever. I think the place he lives in is so sugary that it literally gave me diabetes. One of 'em was just standing on a hill, doing nothing. I grabbed it, and put it in a sack. I can't even make a joke about that, it's so stupid. It's ridiculous. I mean, I didn't even FALCON PAWNCH anything. It's sad.
D.K. is the next on my list. The key to his capture was bananas. I had two options:
1) I could go find the ape's banana hoard. Wait until all of them were out, though this may take a lot of careful research on each individual ape's schedule. Then I would have to load each individual banana into the Blue Falcon. I leave a note saying that King .K. Rool stole the bananas. I then stalk .K. Rool, waiting for D.K. to come and beat him. When D.K. is tired, I then walk up to him, and Falcon Pawnch him, knocking him out. I then carefully, silently load him into the Blue Falcon, drop off the bananas and fly away to give Master Hand Donkey Kong.
2) Buy some bananas from the supermarket and bribe D.K. with them.
I obviously chose two, and did just that.
Finally, I had to catch Fox Mcloud-
Okay, I have to do this so the internet doesn't yell at me. (The internet is very mean.)
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Star Fox!"
Okay, we good now? Alright, so, to catch Fox, I decided to shoot down his ship. Unfortunately, all of the Arwings look exactly the same! This is DEFINITELY the only case of Nintendo being lazy ever!
So, I found one that I thought was Fox's, and I shot it down. Turns out that stupid Slippy was in it. At first I was like, "Dammit! Wrong ship!" but then I realized I got Slippy and I was all like, "Your welcome Nintendo, I just got 50% more respect for your company!" I was conflicted.
Then, freaking Fox flew up to my ship, and thanked me for killing Slippy! He was so thankful of it that, after I told him what I was doing, he volunteered to be in Smash Bros., and flew over to Master Hand himself. He's a nice guy- I mean fox- I mean strange human-fox hybrid. That must've been a freaky honeymoon.
So, I thought I was done. I watched the smashers battling and wanted in. So, I snuck in, like all the other hidden characters did. I was so loved, that first of all, they made unlockables in Melee on purpose, and offered me a default position!
Yet, my popularity dropped enough that I'm now unlockable again in Brawl. I sit here, waiting for someone who doesn't suck to unlock me.