No idea how I thought of this. This is so beautifully sappy; it will make you cry, so I suggest having a box of tissues by you!
Barrel's Point of View will be in italics unless otherwise noted.
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns the items and characters featured in this story.
It was just another lazy spring day for the Smashers. The Fountain of Dreams provided everlasting water as carriers chock-full of food fell onto the stage. Quite often, there were fights over the food because it seemed to be unfortunately scarce that day. One example of a feud over chow is the 'fight' of Peach and Popo.
A party ball fell next to Peach. She curiously poked it until it broke open to reveal a cornucopia of (supposedly) delicious food.
"I WANT IT!" screamed a starving Popo.
"It's mine," said Peach feebly yet defensively.
"But you can pull up vegetables from the ground to feed yourself, can't you?"
"Master Hand makes them from leftover mashed potatoes. I'm not stupid enough to eat them!"
"O RLY?"
"YA RLY!"
The conversation went on from there, as the heat must have drained their intelligence. Another Smasher could have easily taken it, but they were either sleeping or discussing how the next Super Smash Bros. should be more politically correct.
Finally, amazingly, they agreed to duke it out for the food. Peach was getting ready to yank a vegetable from the ground and shove it down Popo's throat when she saw her reflection in the water.
"Oh no! I'll save you lady that looks suspiciously like me!" Peach declared, trying to dive into the water and save herself from supposedly drowning. She ended up hitting herself in the forehead rather violently. "Ow!"
However, the princess of Mushroom Kingdom is persistent, so she tried nearly fifteen more times before knocking herself out.
"Yes!" Popo said victoriously, diving for the food.
The food disappeared, so Popo also smashed his head into the ground. His unconscious body lay next to Peach's.
"Say, where did the party ball come from anyway?" Kirby asked thoughtfully, since if he didn't this story wouldn't have this title.
"Only I can answer such a question!" rumbled an unfamiliar voice.
The Smashers turned in the direction of the voice. All they saw was a barrel.
"I don't see anyone. Who said that?" Marth asked blankly.
"ME!" the barrel replied more loudly.
"Did Bowser stuff Ness in the barrel again?" Young Link pondered, sipping his Lon Lon Milk wistfully.
Flashback Time!Bowser was in his room, viewing the soap operas he taped a week ago. Just when he was getting interested, Big Bird appeared on the screen.
"Good morning boys and girls!" the tall yellow creature greeted cheerily.
Bowser knew this only meant one thing: Some kid taped over his precious soap operas. He just needed to figure who it was.
Ness happened to be passing Bowser's room, whistling the Sesame Street theme and fiddling with his yoyo.
"NESS!" Bowser growled.
Ness was unable to escape from Bowser, who dragged him by his feet to an empty barrel. He used duct tape to keep him from talking and stuffed him in the barrel.
"Hrm Mm!" Ness mumbled, which translated to "Help me!"
Of course, no one could hear him, and no one would care if they did. The next day, Bowser mailed the barrel to Yugoslavia. No one wanted him and mailed it back as quick as they could. Poor Ness.
End of Flashback!"No, you foolish Smashers, I've always been able to talk," the barrel, who from now on will be known as Barrel, scoffed. "No one ever listened to me though."
"Oh wise Barrel, tell us of the party ball?" pleaded Zelda.
"Fine."
It was long ago, a time no one remembered now. The setting was Jungle Japes, the amber sunset hiding behind trees. I, the isolated barrel, sat off to the left as a prisoner of loneliness. All the other items had partners- Heart Container had Maxim Tomato, Star Rod has Warp Star, and Ray Gun had Beam Sword- so why couldn't I have someone to share absolute boredom with?
All of a sudden, a wooden cube fell elegantly from the heavens. It seemed to glow radiantly in the little light visible through the trees. As soon as I laid my non-existent eyes on the cube known as Crate, I knew we were meant to be.
"That's so romantic," Zelda gushed dreamily, her eyes glowing like stars. Her happiness quickly faded as she turned to Link. "Why can't you ever be romantic like that?"
"Eh?" Link replied lazily as he munched a macaroon.
"Forget you!" Zelda dismissed as she hit off his worn out olive hat. It slid smoothly across the stage to Pichu, who was torn between tasting it and wearing it whilst running around aimlessly.
We quickly decided to get hitched by a male wire frame in a private garden the next evening. As for our honeymoon, we escaped to a lovely island.
A puzzled Yoshi interrupted, "Wait, how exactly does a wedding between two items work?"
"It's simple. You hire a wire frame and schedule your wedding place," explained Barrel matter-of-factly.
"Yeah, but how do you two kiss? What do you wear? How do you wear the rings? Does E really equal Mc squared?"
"To answer all of your questions, that's for you to never find out. "
Yoshi pouted. "Why I oughta…"
"WAIT!" Kirby yelled, holding back Yoshi nervously. "Let Barrel finish the story!"
So, Crate and I shared some terrific moments together. Not including swimming, as Crate floated away due to the fat bottom. Anwyay, we took the next step: having a baby.
"BUT YOU GUYS ARE WOODEN THINGS!" screamed Ness, who was having a hard time making sense of this.
"Foolish humans," mumbled Barrel.
"That doesn't include me!" said the Hylian man that was FINALLY paying attention as Zelda wanted. "I'm a Hylian elf!" Link ran a hand cockily through his sunny blonde locks.
"Pssh, you're even worse."
"Ooh, BURN!" taunted Kirby.
Zelda ignored this and questioned Barrel on how they obtained the baby.
Conveniently, there was a Stork-O-Matic 3000 on the island we were staying at. These machines are made specifically for items. In order for these to work, you have to step into the booth and have at least three pictures taken of the parents. Afterwards, the pictures are sent to the Stork. The Stork consults his helpers, yadda yadda yadda, and eventually the bundle of joy is delivered to us."And so," Barrel said, sounding as if it was about to cry, "The Party Ball was delivered to us. Well, back then it was just the size of a golf ball. So we nursed it and nurtured it so well, it grew into a big, healthy ball…Of course, I had to work two jobs at McDonald's and K-Mart, but it was worth it for parenthood!" At this moment, Barrel burst into tears. Goodness knows how, considering barrels don't have eyes…
The Smashers held each other gently for comfort.
"A-And s-s-so…now you know w-why I n-never talk…I always…burst into tears as I tell this story…So does Crate…We're so proud to have brought life into the world!"
Barrel sniffled a bit. "I have to go to my lover, my Crate. But before I go, any questions?"
"Um yeah," Yoshi asked while clutching a tissue. "What was it like to have Bowser stuff Ness in you.
"Let's just say it was uncomfortable. If I had ears, I would have gone deaf from that kid's whining."
"Why I oughta," mumbled Ness as Kirby played the role of the pacifist yet again.
Barrel flew majestically into the sky. On a cloud were Crate and Party Ball, standing proudly. The happy family
Even though they attempted to hold back tears, the Smashers cried so much, the Fountain of Dreams flooded. Luckily, they all escaped. Except for Popo and Peach.
"What did we miss?" Peach asked as she awoke and flapped her thin arms to stay afloat.
"I have no idea. None at all…." Popo replied in shock.
Little did the Smashers know that Bowser had watched the whole thing through a camera. He sniffed in his tears of joy.
"Great Scot, that was by far better than ANY soap opera I've ever watched…" Bowser cried some more and ended up using one of Ness' shirts for a tissue.
Ness, at that time, was searching frantically for his spare shirt. He peeked into Bowser's room just in case…
"BOWSER!"
That was the sappiest but the best Crate/Barrel romance ever…
Then again, it's probably the ONLY Crate/Barrel romance…
Um, yeah. Read, review, and buy Bowser more tissues unless hate Ness' shirts…