So, apparently everyone in the Gotei 13 is on crack. Apparently I am too, because I have no idea why or how I wrote this monstrosity. Horrible things like this padrody/humor/WTF/crack happen. If you want to protect your neurons, hurry! Go review some of my stories. Or you could just read this and curse the day that the first Kirk/Spock fangirl wrote what would become fanfiction.

1st Division

"Soutaichou, do you ever look at the state of the Gotei 13 and wonder?"

"Wonder what, Chojiro?"

"Well, how the hell did we end up attracting every gay shinigami in the Soul Society?"

2nd Division

"And if it's not too much *munch* trouble, taichou, can we *crunch* install vending machines in the barracks and maybe *chomp* get some of those-"

"Omaeda-fukutaichou. Shut up."

"What is it-"

"My Yoruichi-sama sense is tingling"

3rd Division

"You know Kira, if you could ever get over you little complex about your taichou leaving, you might enjoy the power and responsibility."

"Really, Izuru? There is a reason that we were only fukutaichou. Ichamaru-taichou cared about us."

"Oh really? Then why did he leave? He never loved us."

"Shut up! If that's all you have to say, you might as well…leave now and never come back!"

"…Is it normal to talk to yourself like this."

"Who gives a damn? It's not like anyone else is here…"

4th Division

"Unohana-taichou, what are you doing with that mirror."

"Ah, Isane. I'm just practicing my signature look which is horribly menacing, yet completely maternal. See?"

"Sensei. Teach me the ways of the passive aggressive intimidation face!"

5th Division

"Dear Aizen-taichou,

I still miss you, but it still wasn't nice to run that sword through my chest. I lov-I mean, I respected you and you just stabbed me. In the front, no less! Next time, have the courtesy to do it from the back, and then I can pretend that it was Ichamaru-taichou and I can still have my fantasies about our romantic getaways in Hueco Mundo…I mean, our inevitable affectionate but respectful reunion and clearing up of this horrid misunderstanding about that whole stabbing business. I know you didn't mean it. Give the Menos my love!

Always,

Your fukutaichou."

6th Divison

"Abarai, this is most curious. Rukia tells me that according to everyone, we are extremely gay, in addition to being sex crazed deviants who cannot keep our hands off each other at the most inappropriate times. Apparently, there are eyewitness accounts of me touching you innapropriately at the last captain's meeting. Funny, considering that never happened. Either I am developing amnesia or we are the subject of some rather lurid gossip."

"Dammnit!"

"Abarai-taichou? You are turning a peculiar shade of mauve."

"Rukia must've been reading my diary again!"

7th Division

"Komamura-taichou, why do you always wear that headgear?"

"Well, Iba-fukutaichou, I don't want anyone to see my big anthropomorphic wolf head and mistake me for a Furry. There's a reason my best friend is blind."

"But taichou, everyone knows already…"

"Shut up Iba! I think Tosen might still be in the dark. Pun intended."

8th Division

"Nanao-chan! How is my lovely little fukutaichou today! You mustn't work yourself so hard. Here, let me get you a foot massage. And maybe some sake? A pretty young thing like you shouldn't be sober at 2 in the afternoon! Here, come sit on taichou's lap and tell me about your day!"

SFX: SLAP!

"Taichou, your mouth is moving, but all I'm hearing is 'blah blah blah Nanao-chan, blah blah blah sake, blah blah blah pervert.'"

"My Nanao-chan is clever as well as cute!"

"Blah blah blah sexual harassment case…"

9th Division

"Tosen-taichou, I know you're in Las Noches, but I'm doing an interview for the paper. Will you answer a few questions? It's the least you can do for leaving me a whole division to run while you go off and betray everything I believe in. First, why did you become a shinigami?"

"Justice."

"Alright. What motivated you to become a captain?"

"Justice."

"Why do you dislike Zaraki-taichou so much?"

"Justice."

"Alright. One last thing. Have you ever heard the saying 'Justice is blind?'"

"Hisagi-fukutaichou. Really? Do you think that I was born this way?'

10th Division

"Shiro-chan! Let's talk about sake and my boobs and paperwork and gay men and my boobs, and taking naps and your couch and why I didn't do my paperwork and the SWA and how you feel about Hinamori-chan and my boobs!"

"Matsumoto. Sometimes I wonder if you realize that I am male."

"Of course I do! I figured it out when you didn't grow boobs after the first decade!"

11th Division

"Ok, let's play house. Ken-chan will be the daddy, I'll be the daughter, Baldy-chan can be the street thug, and Eyebrows will be his fruity boyfriend!"

"What? I'm not a thug!"

"It's beautiful, not fruity."

"Wait. How is this different than how things already are?"

12th Division

"Nemu, you are my best creation, my pride and joy, my magnum opus, the apex of my intellectual triumph. So how are you such a dimwit? Well, make yourself useful and polish my test tubes or something! I swear, I don't know why I went through all the trouble of fabricating a shinigami."

"Yes, honorable father. Now, would you like me to grovel at your feet or inject myself with various harmful substances to test out their effects?"

"You should be able to do both as my child! And at the same time, watch me bathe because the audience needs one teaser shot of my real hair!"

13th Divison

"I love Ukitake-taichou more!"

"No, I love Ukitake-taichou more!"

"I would fight all the hollows in Hueco Mundo for him!"

"Well, I'd beat them and then kill Aizen for making taichou worry!"

"No, I would kill Aizen for taichou, and then present him with the Hogyoku!"

"Yeah? Well, I'd give him the Hogyoku…in a tiara!"

"I'd dress in drag for him!"

"I'd wrangle elephants for him!"

"I'd be on reality tv for him!"

"I'd make out with Don Kanoji for him!"

"Sigh. And they wonder why I always have headaches…"