A/n: This idea randomly came to me at six A.M. I hope you enjoy it! And if you're German, please don't take offense to any of the material in this chapter that potentially may or may not be offensive to you. I believe Germany is very beautiful place with some of the nicest people. And also excuse the poor translations if you speak German.

After you read this, you might find it appealing to check out the version on my website. It has the German sentences and words that are in this chapter translated into English so you know what was said. However, I found it much more hilarious to read this version first. The unknown can be even funnier than the known. And it's always cool to see if what you thought they said while reading it was really what it turned out to be :)

"Ladies! On behalf of the Ryan Plantation, I would like to wish you a wonderful welcome!"

The sentence rang gracefully through the room, echoing off the high ceilings. The walls of the room were a beautiful, clean white and the ceiling was embedded with gorgeous, intricate, gold designs. The longer I stared up at the beautiful designs, the more baffled I was as to what they were. Were they angels? Babies? Llamas? The speaker was standing amongst many beautifully decorated tables. She was a very statuesque woman with healthy, beautiful, flowing blond hair. Her face was very pretty, but held an offhand hint of superiority. She was addressing all of us at the entrance of the beautiful room.

She was my future mother-in-law.

Plantation? I scoffed. A plantation is a large farm. Just because her house is big enough for all of China's residents to live comfortably in doesn't mean she's a plantation owner.

"If you'll look around you, you'll see your name printed on a card. This is where you are to sit. Ladies, you may proceed to find your name." Lesley Marie Ryan exclaimed, motioning for us to move into the room with a very noble stance.

I followed the rich, fancy women in front of me into the room. My eyes scanned the various tables.

I frowned. She printed off so many name cards it was ridiculous. Industries don't kill the rainforest; Mrs. Ryan does.

I cautiously walked around the tables. I scanned card after card, starting furthest away from where Mrs. Ryan was seating. Table after table, my name was missing. Eventually, I arrived at the seat right beside Mrs. Ryan. I smiled internally. She must have forgotten me! Yes! I guess I'll just have to head home…

I turned to walk out of the room. Her voice stopped me.

"Miley! There you are, darling. You will be sitting right here beside me!"

Dammit.

I turned on my heel and gave her a forced smile. I sat down in the seat to her right. Across from me at the table was Jake's cousin, Anna Ryan. She sat with the same superiority as her aunt.

Staring at the expensive china, I questioned why I was here. I must have had a momentary lapse of sanity when she asked me. I could have easily said, "No, I will not go to your stupid, ritzy tea party! Just because we are going to be family soon doesn't mean I have to get on your good side!"

But it did, unfortunately. If I was going to have to see this woman so much, I couldn't have her hating me. Besides, Jake completely adored his mother. I thought she was extremely selfish myself, and stuck up. Example? She wanted a child named after herself, but she only wanted one. So when Jake was a boy…she still named the poor child Leslie. Somehow she thought changing the spelling would make it more masculine.

No. It didn't.

You just don't do something like that to a child. It's mean.

Mrs. Ryan gracefully stood up from her seat. She cleared her throat, and everyone fixed their eyes on her. I stared at the fringe on the cloth napkins.

"I hope you all find your seating arrangement to your liking!"

No, I don't.

"I know you're all glad to be here,"

No, I'm not.

"As you always are at all my tea parties!" Light, ladylike giggles issued from everyone. I would never learn to laugh like that. It sounded like a chipmunk that was trying to laugh after getting his vocal cords amputated. No, thank you.

"However, this tea party is especially important. This was arranged so we could all welcome a new member to the Ryan family."

Oh, God. Please be pregnant, Mrs. Ryan. Please. Be. Pregnant.

"Everyone, give a ladylike welcome to Miley Stewart!"

Damn it all to hell. Damn her and her non-pregnantness.

I didn't move. Everyone was clapping politely.

"Hi." I murmured.

Mrs. Ryan looked at me. Her smile was extra strained as she hissed, "Stand up, dear!"

I hastily jerked myself up. Mrs. Ryan sat down. Everyone was staring at me. I quickly went to sit back down in the white laced chairs.

"No, stay up there." Anna hissed at me.

What?

"Say something!" She hissed, getting annoyed.

Say something? Like a speech? Are they kidding me? They must be fuc—

"Miley!" Mrs. Ryan whispered, motioning for me to say something. I blushed and turned to the crowd. I waved lamely.

"Uhh…hi." They stared at me, "Um, well, thank you for the applause…" Oh, my God. Did I really just say that? I could speak and sing in front of millions, but a few of Jake's relatives and family friends could make me act like Rico in front of a camera? Just great. "Uh…so I'm marrying Jake this summer. Yea. Um. I'm just going to sit down now…"

I miserably sat down. All Jake's family friends and relatives first impression of me was going to be stupidity. Great. Just lovely.

Mrs. Ryan cleared her throat and said, "Well, Ladies, let's begin our tea!"

And suddenly, as if they were listening, butlers streamed into the room holding golden trays laden with fine foods. What the heck? How did they just appear…?

A man placed a plate in front of me. It held what looked like bread. I stared up at him. He smiled.

"Sonnenblumensamenbrot?"

I stared at him in shock. I blinked.

"I beg your pardon?"

He cocked his head to the right.

"Sorgfalt für etwas Sonnenblumensamenbrot?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, I don't speak Spanish."

His face seemed to turn red. His hands started shaking with rage, making the contents of his tray leaned precariously to the right. Before I knew what was happening, he screamed and threw the tray down on the floor.

"Spanisch! Die Schande! Ich bin deutsch! Ich spreche Deutsches! Keine Sorgfalt für Deutschland seit Hitler! Deutschland ist ein schöner Platz!!"

Everyone turned to look at him. Something clicked.

"Ooh! Hitler! You're speaking German! Okay! My bad!" I exclaimed quickly. Geez. Some people were so touchy.

He pointed a finger at me.

"Arschloch!"

That I understood.

"I beg your freaking pardon, asshole?"

Mrs. Ryan shrieked in shock. Anna shook her head in shame.

"Unhöfliche Kuh!" He screamed at me.

I stood up in rage. How dare he yell at me! Was I supposed to understand German?!

"Yea well right back at you buddy! You mean…person!" I yelled.

He shook his finger at me, "Du wirst nicht gepasst, um in des schönen Lesley Ryans der Anwesenheit zu sein!!"

I moved closer to him, holding up my fist.

"You want to repeat that big guy?!"

"Ja!"

"STOP! STOP IT RIGHT THIS MOMENT!" Mrs. Ryan howled. The butler backed off, but eyed me with distaste. He turned to Anna Ryan, and said:

"Ich diene nicht diese Frau. Du kannst dem garantieren. Was dachte junger Jake Ryan, als er diese Frau auswählte?"

They were talking about Jake? My Jake? The nerve!

I expected Anna to just shrug, but she surprised me by responding.

"Ich weiß nicht. Möglicherweise läuft Jake eine Phase… oder Fetisch durch?"

I was almost eighty nine percent sure I heard the words "Jake" and "fetish" in that sentence.

"Hans! Zur Küche zurück gehen!" Mrs. Ryan screamed, pointing a hand toward the kitchen door. Hans, the butler, nodded and left the room.

Everything was still.

"Everyone, back to our dignified conversations!" Anna called.

The conversation gradually grew to a normal volume.

Did everyone in the Ryan family speak German? Did Jake speak German? I mean, I knew his family was of German descent but I definitely didn't know their ancestors brought butlers with them to America! Or that his whole family (and possibly him) spoke it fluently! If he did speak it, he was definitely going to have to teach me a few select terms. And tell me what "Jake eine Phase…oder Fetisch durch" meant. Maybe I didn't want to know.

"So, let's overlook that, shall we girls?" Mrs. Ryan asked. I glanced at her face. It was strained with the pressure of keeping things dignified. I sighed and nodded.

Anna asked Mrs. Ryan about financial things, and I just zoned out. I picked at the bread-like-stuff. It was kind of good. Just when I took a bite, Mrs. Ryan turned to me.

"So, Miley," Mrs. Ryan started, "have you and my son been intimate lately?"

The bread went flying out of my mouth and onto Anna. She screamed in disgust and jumped up, wiping herself off. I flushed in embarrassment.

"Sorry!" I exclaimed to her. I handed her a napkin. She wiped most of it off her satin dress, and then pristinely sat back down. If she didn't hate me before, she did now.

I avoided them, hoping Mrs. Ryan would forget her inquires. My face and ears were burning.

"So?" She pressed.

I avoided her face, looking out the window at the ocean.

"I refuse to answer such an inappropriate question."

Anna started laughing her ladylike giggle. Mrs. Ryan snorted.

"Miley, one thing you'll learn about this family quickly is that there are no secrets."

I cringed. How frightening! Well I'd make it my business to show this pushy family some southern hospitality.

"And the fact you answered that way proves there has been some risqué playing, hmm?" Anna smirked, lacing her fingers together. I fixed my eyes on a seagull diving into the ocean after a poor, innocent fish.

I suddenly felt just like that fish.

"Maybe risqué is a too nice of term. Knowing dear Jakey, there was probably some…racy playing," Anna continued, leering at me like the seagull as it caught the fish.

This was the most humiliating day of my life. My face must have looked like a lobster. Lobsters…

"Hey," I pulled the attention off myself, "did you know that Adolf Hitler liked lobsters? No? Well I bet you didn't know that he was so bothered by the fact he thought he could hear them screaming as they were put in boiling water that he made the boiling of lobsters illegal in the Nuremburg Laws?"

They stared at me in confusion. Their pretty, forever young faces (thanks to a monthly injection of Botox) dismissed the historical fact.

"So," Anna continued, "give us the dirty details."

"I don't know what you are talking about." I replied, taking another nibble of bread.

Anna smirked at me, "Of course you do. That's why you aren't answering."

They were both looking at me. Waiting for an answer. How creepy. Jake's family was seriously messed up. I bet Mrs. Ryan pops pills and Anna drinks. Or maybe they are both not all there, if you get my drift.

I sighed. "Look, whether or not there is anything to spill is not and will never be your business. You may think you deserve to know but I know that you know that I know it's most definitely not your business. So as long as it stays my business, and not yours, I'll keep it my business, and not yours."

Anna blinked.

"Ahh…what?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"I'm not answering your question."

"Fine. But I'll have you know my dear, darling, little cousin dished out the details already—"

"He did not!" I argued.

"Oh, yes, he did," she smirked, "would you like me to repeat it? I can. He said that it was—"

"Look," Mrs. Ryan cut her off, "I don't want to know any gross details. All I want to know is when I'll have grandchildren already."

I think my brain just melted.

"Excuse me?" I gasped, flabbergasted.

She seemed shocked by my response.

"You know. When you'll have children already." She stated.

"Not now for sure!" I sputtered.

She frowned.

"Why?"

I stared at her in shock, "We're not even married yet! That's…not right! We don't even know if we're even going to have children—

"WHAT?!" This disturbed her.

"You heard me," She was annoying me, "children isn't exactly in our plan."

She was pissed.

"Well what is in your plan'?"

"OUR plan consists of getting married. And living life!"

"You can live with a child!"

I sighed. "Why are you so eager for us to have children?"

Her eyes lit up, "Being a grandmother would be so fun! And I just love little babies! Think of all the toys…"

My anger flared. She was so selfish! She was trying to push something on US for HER benefits? She was unbelievable!

"Well, we don't really want children." I finally said.

"Who doesn't? You or him?" She snapped.

I eyed her, "It's a mutual decision."

She flipped her hair over her shoulder, "Or do you just not want to risk ruining your figure."

I wanted to scream that I wasn't her. That I cared about more than myself. But I bit my tongue.

"If Jake really wanted children, I would have as many as he wanted." I hissed at her.

"Or maybe," she went on thoughtfully, "you or Jake can't have children. And to save embarrassment, you just say you don't want any…"

She was unbelievable! Was their anything she wasn't afraid to talk about? From sex to sterility…! Amazing!

"Look. Right now, we don't want any. But a few years on, we might change our minds." I said calmly.

She relaxed a bit. She was probably thinking of all the ways she could manipulate us. I shuddered. What a nosy woman.

"So, where will you live? Where are you and Jake going to move after you get married?"

I shrugged, "We'll be in Paris for two months—"

"Two months?!" She exclaimed, "What is there to do in Paris for two whole months? You can only see the Eiffel Tower once and be amazed!"

Anna smirked once more, "You're only supposed to see it once. And usually it's not the monuments that amaze on honeymoons."

Mrs. Ryan turned to Anna, "What would you do in Paris for two months?! Why in the world…?"

"I'd go to bar and find me a hot, French guy with money. Then, I'd—"

Mrs. Ryan was pale. "Never mind. I still think that is a ridiculously long time to be on a honeymoon. Once you've seen the sights, you're done. All the rest can be done anywhere."

Was there nothing she could twist to be horribly embarrassing? Was there nothing she didn't nag about?!

"Yes. But haven't you ever heard of relaxing a bit?" I muttered through clenched teeth.

"I have. But why you're relaxing with my son's money…"

Oh, holy hell. She did not say that.

"What are you implying?" I asked lowly.

She just shrugged and attempted to look innocent.

"I'm going to say this one time and one time only. I have just as much money as Jake has, if not more. Funding for everything is equal input."

"So, if it's equal input, where are you going to live?" She asked again.

"I don't know! We're thinking about starting out in a condo, until we can find a nice house to buy."

"A condo?" She asked, appalled, "My son living in a common, bedbug infested condo?! Never! Never shall I see the day when a Ryan lives in that low, riffraff housing complex! He will get a disease and perish! Nonsense! The whole east wing is unoccupied. You two can live here, free of charge."

No way in hell. Not if it was that or a cardboard box. I can just imagine how miserable she could and would make our lives. I can just see us sleeping peacefully, then she will stick her head in and say all cheery-like, "Come on, wakey wakey! It's baby making time! I saw this cute grandma shirt and I need to buy it before next May. So come on, clocks ticking."

"No, we would rather support ourselves." I said quickly, shuddering.

"You never did give me the details…" Anna sang.

"You can't live in a condo!"

"Ha! Two months…"

"No babies! The shame!"

Their complains were making me dizzy as they got shot toward me at a lightening fast speed. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right! With a heavy heart, I realized I'd never fit in with Jake's family. I could never get along with these people…

I stood up suddenly. They glanced at me.

"I'm not feeling so well all of the sudden. I believe I'm going to head home."

"Is it morning sickness?" Mrs. Ryan asked hopefully.

I clenched my teeth.

"No. I'm just dizzy. Thank you for inviting me to your tea party. Goodbye, Mrs. Ryan. Goodbye, Anna."

I quickly picked up the bottom of my dress and walked quickly from the room. I pushed open the door I came into, and ran out into the night.

The stars were twinkling brightly. I walked a little further down, then I spotted the Ryan's private beach property. I wanted to walk home…but the water was so beautiful with the moonlight reflecting on the occasional waves. I slipped off my heels and walked down the shore.

I sat down in the sand right above the water. I inhaled deeply, and exhaled slowly. What a disaster.

"Didn't even make it to the actual tea?"

His voice startled me. My head snapped behind me. Jake was sitting leisurely on a picnic table that had slipped out of my line of vision. I sighed. Leave it to him to spy.

I looked back at the waves. "What are you doing here?"

I heard him get up. A moment later, he sat down beside me.

"I live here, remember?"

I drew a frowny face in the sand. "Which wing?" I murmured unpleasantly.

He laughed lightly.

"I know it must all be a little overwhelming…-"

"A little?" I muttered.

"…but you'll get used to it."

His fingers gently caressed through my hair. I continued drawing in the sand.

"Jake?" I asked quickly, before I could back out.

"Hmm?" He asked. I scooted back, and looked at him. His expression was curious.

"I don't think I fit in with your family." My voice wavered. I realized suddenly that it bothered me greatly that I didn't. I wanted more than anything to love the things Jake did; to be the type of person he was used to. I wanted Mrs. Ryan to dote on me, and Anna to be my best friend. I wanted to fit in seamlessly.

But I didn't.

I'd never be able to pretend to be Ryan. I'd just be a sick imposture. Ryan's were noble, graceful, tall, blond, pristine…perfect. I wasn't like that. I was just a brunette country girl with a short temper.

I was mildly startled to feel a tear escape my eye. I cried silently. The only thing that tipped Jake off was the way my cries racked my spine.

He pulled me into his arms. His hands stroked my hair. He kissed my face various times, trying to make me feel okay. I didn't.

"Miley, I couldn't care less if they hated you. As long as I love you, which I do and always will, you will fit in better than anyone. Do you think for one minute I would want you to act like them?"

I sniffed, "You love your mother."

He nodded, "Yes. But I love her because she is my mother. I love her for the love she gave me growing up, not for how she acts sometimes. I love you because you are everything I've missed growing up. You have beautiful dark hair, you care about everyone, you laugh like a normal person, and you have a sense of privacy. There are so many more things…you just don't even know."

I hoped he was telling the truth. I kissed his cheek.

"Thank you. And I love you."

He smiled, "I love you, too."

We were silent for a few moments. Then, suddenly, I had a question.

"Jake?"

"Yes?"

I looked at him curiously.

"Do you speak German?"

He rolled his eyes.

"Ja."

"How come I never knew?"

"Speaking German never came up before now."

I paused, "What does 'Jake eine Phase…oder Fetisch durch' mean?"

He paused longer than me. He probably didn't have any idea what I said. My pronunciation was horrible.

"Who said that?!"

"Anna, your cousin."

"Stupid wench." He muttered, annoyed, "I always did dislike her."

"Do you know what it means?" I pressed.

"Ja."

"Will you tell me?"

"Nein."

"Why?" I asked.

"Don't you worry your pretty little head about my psycho family's issues. Just sit here with me and know that in three months we'll be married and out of here. Just unwind a bit from that stupid tea party, okay?"

And for a moment, I let myself.

"Ja."

He laughed.