A/N: The voices from my first glimpse into Gerry's world wouldn't leave me
alone, so I am back. The story opens five years after A Lifetime Lived….
The story is set up to be an article in a magazine. Since it uploaded so
bad last time, I decided to repost it for easier reading. Journal entries
are in italics and flashbacks are in bold.
I don't know what sent me up to the attic that day. I hadn't been up there since well since before Gerry died honestly. I knew that Sheryl and Julius to help me out had packed all of Gerry's things and put them up there for me after I found out I was pregnant.
It was Gerry who got me up here this time, not Gil. It would not have been easier if it was Gil. I put myself in this position really. Always talking about this phantom father who would be so proud of the kids, a father that he has never meet and knows only as the man in the films. While slowly at first but now with more vigor I moved on with my life and away from the person I was just five years ago. Away from the man who is their father.
Gerry asked me for something of his Dad's that he could have. He is over at Julius' today playing football with the other kids. I asked Julius to take the kids for the weekend as I make my pilgrimage to the attic. I think that's a proper word for what I am doing paying homage to the man I loved. Sorting out my feelings along the way if that was even possible.
Four hours later I had six overflowing boxes filled with his things. Clothes, pictures, a pocket knife, watches, his medals, and all the other pieces of his life that had been sitting in the boxes for the past five years. The clothes still carried his scent, old spice with a hint of my own scent of tangerine spice. A testament to the amount of time we spent with each other every day.
I was keeping only a few pieces of clothes. The shirt he wore so much it was almost transparent, his Olympic uniform, the Titan jersey, and his wedding suit. Oh and the shirt I wore for the first few months after he died. The rest are going to the local good will, someone needs them more then this old attic.
It was in the shirt that I found his journals. I never thought to look for them. I knew that he kept one, as I did my writing for the day he would often be nearby writing himself. I opened it slowly and decided to read it randomly and not straight through. Hoping the emotions wouldn't completely overwhelm me.
I have never been one to write things down. My mom and the coaches feel that therapy is a good idea for me. I didn't really talk to the therapist though. I am more comfortable with my "brother" Julius. So the therapist decided that I should write if I don't want to talk so her I am forced to write in this thing for at least one hour a week. It is supposed to help me sort out all my feelings about my accident. I guess that I am dealing to well for people to believe. The thing is that I am not dealing as well as people think. Not even Julius knows how I really feel about what happened.
I know that what happened was my fault no matter what anyone says. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing or where I was going till it was to late, and I definitely paid for it. Some of the guys want to know what I feel and honestly I feel nothing. It is like I don't exist from a certain point anymore. The doctor explained what I would be able to do and not do now that my legs are well gone.
I had such plans for my life after high school. Now I don't even know if I will still be able to go to school in the fall. The coaches are going to talk to the school and find out what they can do for me. I wanted a family and a career and now well I don't know. The doctor said that it is to soon to tell if I can ever have kids. How can I do anything of that now?
Coach is already talking about training me for the Olympics that I told him about. I don't what I even going to train for the Coach and I are going to talk about that when he visits later today. I am not sure what I want to do about that either I only brought it up so he wouldn't talk about reflecting on what had happened I don't want to reflect I want to forget.
I think this journal thing is an okay thing. I felt well better after I had written in it. That's why I am back again even though the week isn't up. I talked to Coach Boone apparently he knows a few people on the board at the University of Virginia and convinced them to let me go on an academic scholarship and giving Julius my football scholarship. I have to keep a 3.5 average but I know I can do it, if I work hard enough. I think it's great that Julius is going to be there as well. Mom said I can get an apartment with him and not live in the dorms if I want to. Since the dorms aren't really… well made for people like me I think an apartment will be better. Julius and I are already making plans.
Coach and I have decided on shot put. I will have to work a little one my form but because of football I already have the upper body strength to make it work. We are going to start training in the fall. He is making a schedule up so I can train on my own and he will be up on the weekends.
Alan came to visit today. Of all the members of the team that come to visit he is the one that tries the least to make me feel better. I like that. Even with Julius it sometimes feels forced like he wants to well, get me to open up. I think he knows I am not telling him everything, or faking being ok. Alan, well Alan, just lets me be me. He doesn't try to talk and I admire that in him. I could do without the country music he still loves to listen to on the sly so that the guys don't tease him.
My mom is the worst puttering around my room wanting to do it all for me. Wanting me to talk to her, to cry and get it all out. I just can't do it, the tears, the talking. I want to I just don't know how to do that to her. To show her how I feel and more importantly what I feel about me. How can I tell her that I can't stand to look at myself or have people touch me?
I was crying so hard when I read those passages. This was a side of Gerry I had only seen a few times over the ten years that I had known him. His words brought back a memory of one of our early dates.
It was so dark in the theater; they always were back then before the shows would start. Gerry stared straight ahead sitting stiffly in his chair as he felt me rest my arm on his chair. He knew that he should tell me what he was feeling, but chickened out. Making up an excuse he quickly wheeled himself out of the theater.
I was having none of it and followed him outside. Calling after him until he stopped and turned back to face her.
"What is wrong?" I asked quietly as he stared at her.
"I don't like when people touch me." He yelled at me wanting to get me to go away.
I took several deep breathes before speaking to him. "Then we won't touch till you want to. But if it all the same to you I want to see the movie and I don't want to walk back the apartment by myself…" I let my voice trail off wanting to give Gerry the control in this situation.
"I'll have Julius come pick you up in two hours." Gerry said leaving me outside the theater. He was to lost in his own confused thoughts to see the tears falling down my cheeks.
I still remember walking around downtown till Julius came. He was so mad that he had left me there but ever loyal to Gerry didn't speak to me about it
The sound of the phone ringing from downstairs startled me from my thoughts. I rushed downstairs only to hear the machine pick up. It was Sunshine wanting to see how I was doing. Making up my mind I turned the phone and machine to silent and went back up to the attic.
I decided to skip ahead. To jump ahead from the bitter voice that filled the first few pages and move to college. I didn't think I could have handled the bitter voice much longer. It was so different from the voice of the man I fell in love with. The bitterness was part of him at times yes, but not in the overwhelming tone the journal had.
Before I sat back down I plugged in Gerry's old radio. I tuned into the only station I could find, and the strains of "Ain't no mountain high enough" drifted into the corners of the attic hiding with the spiders.
I flipped open the journal randomly and decided to go from there. It was dated three days before I moved in yet continued till after our first date. My diary was the same way at times. A collection of fits and starts and whole weeks to months connected in a few paragraphs.
The apartment is pretty cool. Coaches and the guys did a great job sprucing the place up and making sure I could get around. A couple of the people upstairs gave Julius and I weird looks as we moved in. When will all this race stuff be over? I'm not stupid enough to think a few miles would solve the problem but its college and the building from what I can tell is filled with mostly "yanks" as my mom would say. Not that I care really the place is great and I am beginning to think that I can still have some of my dreams.
I am so stupid sometimes. I met this girl today. Ok I ran her over and asked her out. She said yes and then I nearly got away without finding where she lived or anything. It turns out she lives just across the hall. One of those "yanks" I talked about before. The date was great, she is funny and nice and the entire time had eyes for me only. The only bad part she kissed me. I mean that's touching and I can barely let my mother or Julius touch me let alone this girl from a fishing village in Maine.
Man is Julius pissed at me. I mean yeah I was a jerk but I expected a bit more loyalty from Julius other then the silent treatment that he has been giving me for the past two days. I left Jess at the movies. After I threw a fit when she touched my chair, the chair not me, and she still likes me. She sent Julius home with a message for me, the only thing he has said to me since he got home, "don't be a stranger."
I don't know what to do. I am going to talk to Coach when he comes up for my training. Maybe he can help me sort this all out. I hope so.
I don't know what happened during that conversation. Whatever was said it had to be good. Gerry showed up at my door that weekend.
Gerry tried to knock four times before finally getting enough courage to knock. Once he did it, it didn't take long for me to open it. I had been watching him since I heard his door open.
"Hi," I said opening the door and motioning for him to come into the apartment.
It took some maneuvering but he managed to get into the apartment without any help. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the other night. I would understand if… well, if you kicked me out." He told me.
I could see in his eyes he meant what he said. Sighing I sunk further into the chair I was sitting in. "Well I was kind of thinking about inviting you to dinner not kicking you out." I told him watching his face as he took in what I had said.
He came closer to me and held out his hand. Slowly I put mine in his and waited. A few minutes later he spoke again, "how about for now, I do the touching?"
I nodded content to let him have the say. I knew that I already loved him.
I took a break for some food after that, ordering Gerry's favorite food from the local take out place. I remembered how by that Christmas he would pull me on his lap and nuzzle me on the neck or kiss me. He would even let me touch him first sometimes. I learned to read his moods to see when I could touch him first. It was always the times when he would stretch as if to put his arm around me but stop and let his arms fall back down. Those were the times when he was comfortable enough for me to touch him.
Those were the nights I liked the best, him comfortable enough to let me touch him. I remember when he told me he loved me on our way to L.A. My favorite memory from the trip was what happened after he won the gold. Shaking myself out of my thoughts I turned to another page.
Wow, I never knew that eggs can smell that bad. Our apartment was egged last night. A presents for having the nerve to live here with Julius in the apartment as brothers and equals, in other words shattering their hard won delusions about the world. Luckily the three of us were at a Titans game at the time, cheering them on to a win and their shot at the championship again. This was the first game that I went to. Julius decided it was time and my mom wanted to meet Jess so it was a lost cause to argue.
Jess loved the game. I have to admit I spent more time watching her watch the game then the actual game. She had an understanding of the game that rivaled Sheryl's yet not Sheryl's way of well reacting to the game. It is all understated and in her eyes, the reactions anyway. She just had this glow when ever we got a touchdown and if we didn't she just shrunk into herself for a few moments. All of her brothers played hockey and that is where the reactions came from. She said that yelling is no use during the games, since you can't hear anything, so the silent reactions served her better as she sat behind the team's box.
I just read my last paragraph over and noticed the word we. I still feel like part of the team. Sometimes at night I wake up and feel that well, that I am still on the team and it is the championship game and there I am making a touch down and running across the field. Then I wake up and I am back to being the guy in the chair.
As for my mother she adores Jess. I have never seen her act like that towards any other girl I introduced her to. She has already invited her to come for Thanksgiving and had Easter cornered once she found out Jess was going home for Christmas. My mother seems to have high hopes for us. When I told her that all she said was 'a mother always knows.'
Jess has been great about the whole egg thing. She helped us clean up as best as we could. She is coming over again today with a cure for the smell courtesy of her mother. Her apartment was hit to but it was ours that she cleaned first and ours she was worried about. She was so mad about the egging. She was on the phone to her parents almost instantly wanting to know how to get the smell out. The fact that the eggs had two days to dry out while we were in Alexandria does not help anything either.
My mom is not happy at all and wants to know how the whole apartment complex could not notice the smell as they are claiming. I don't know what to think anymore Julius is trying not to let it get to him and just keep it as normal as possible. I almost want to say to him that he needs to deal but I don't think that will help the situation here at all.
Our poor mothers all so upset that this had happened, but helpless to protect us from what the world wants to force on all of us. Even in today's world I sometimes wonder what will happen to my children and their friends outside of the family circle that the Titans have made.
I have toyed with the thoughts of moving many times since Gerry had died. Going back to Maine or even picking a city off a map and just going there and make my fortune. I could never pull the kids away from here though. The bond of brotherhood that the Titans felt for Gerry has been passed on not only to my kids but me as well. Leaving is just not an option that I can never consider.
The next entry I turned to was after we had all returned to college after Christmas break. Of all the semester at college, it was the one that I really don't remember that well. There were a few matches that we went to but other then that, nothing memorable. I skipped ahead again to the summer when thing got really interesting for all of us.
We have just gotten back from Maine. Jess' brother David got married and Jess and I went up for the ceremony. A whole two weeks away from competitions and training. Jess and her brothers managed to make a wish come true. She never manages to stop amazing me.
"Gerry no peaking," I said with a laugh as he tugged on the bandana we had tied around his eyes.
"Can you blame me? I have no idea what is going on."
All I could do was laugh as we parked the car and got Gerry out of the car. Carefully we managed to get Gerry onto the lobster boat that my brothers had painstakingly made accessible for Gerry's surprise.
"You guys, the world is tilting on me," Gerry said as we started the boat and tugged away from the landing.
When we pulled out of the cove, my brothers gave me the signal to take off the blindfold. "Surprise!" was all I managed to say as I revealed the sight.
It took several moments for Gerry to respond to what we had done. Even then all he could manage was to pull me onto his lap and kiss me.
"I hope he doesn't thank us all that way," Michael said with a laugh.
"No, only Jess is that lucky," Gerry told them as we pulled even farther away from the cove.
That whole day was amazing. We stayed out on the water most of the day emptying the traps. We sailed around Monhegan and then to Franklin Island for a picnic lunch.
Even I was surprised by the present my brothers gave the two of us. I had made mention of how Gerry had always wanted to spend the day out on the ocean and never got the change. My brothers took that sentence and gave us a day that was amazing.
I took another break then to stretch my legs. I walked around the attic several times listening Carol King over the radio. I found an old chair covered in boxes and cleared it off before curling onto it and opening the diary again.
Well I never thought that I would hate going over to Jess' apartment but now I do. We are still as close as ever it is her roommate that is the problem. I mean moving in when there is a congratulations party going on for making it to the Olympics can be a bit overwhelming, but she just threw a fit. At least she waited till after the party. About ten minutes after we left the apartment Jess was knocking on our door crying and her roommate had locked herself in Jess' room. She spent the night over here for the first time since we have known each other. It was on the couch but it was still nice to know that she was so close the whole night.
Sheryl and Coach have practically moved in as well. Sheryl and Jess have become the best of friends and are starting a two person hockey team at the local rink, with a promise to move to ice come January.
Her brothers came down for a few matches and are planning on going out to L.A. for the games as well. I am really excited but scared as well. I am taking an insane course load so spring will be easy as well as training. Jess and Julius in an effort to be supportive are matching my course load. I just hope that the classes won't bring Julius' 4.0 down.
I have been wanting to talk to Jess about us for a few months now, but I keep chickening out every time we get some alone time. I think that I am scared to hear what she might say.
It took him till we were on our way to California for to the games before we finally had the talk about us. It isn't like I would have been able to say anything else but I love you. I had tried to say it before but he always found some way to stop me before I could finish it. We were saying it in other ways long before that plane ride.
This whole experience has been amazing. The feeling that I got telling Jess how I felt and to hear her say it back. When we were both able to say it for the joy of saying it and not just wanting to say it because that is what people do.
The feeling of the gold medal being placed around my neck was amazing. Off on the sidelines I saw Jess and my mom crying and hugging each other. I could hear the Titans cheering for me and I knew that Jess' family was there as well. The whole experience was surreal. I felt at times that I wasn't really there and other times I felt that I was so alive that nothing could touch me now. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt that way.
The night after the games was great. Julius, Jess, Rev, Alan, and I went out to some of the clubs around the hotel. We even toyed with the idea of going to Vegas but a lack of a car turned off that idea very quickly.
That wasn't the only reason we turned down Vegas. Gerry and I had our own party that night back at the hotel. It was amazing I mean I had never thought I could be that close to another person.
"I love you," Gerry said waking me up as he nuzzled my neck.
"I love you to," I managed to say back as I cuddled closer to him.
"Do you know that you are glowing," Gerry said teasing me "I can see you in the dark,"
I rolled over and looked at the time. "Oh no," I said sitting up. "We have to meet our parents in ten minutes." I leaned over and gave him a kiss before grabbing his robe and running out of the room.
Gerry spent the day whispering at key moments in my ear that I was glowing or when we were in the Chinese theater he couldn't see the screen I was so bright. I was just thankfully my parents or brothers never picked up on it. No matter how much they loved him the knowledge that we had made love would have been taken well. It was after that Gerry told me I could touch him whenever I wanted. That was almost as meaningful to me as him saying I love you.
I called Jess' father today. We talked for around two hours give or take. I asked him for permission to marry Jess. He gave it immediately. Asking when I was going to ask her and when I was thinking about having the ceremony. I answered him honestly with I don't know. I know I want to ask her, I just have no idea when I will ask her.
My father was never braver then when he told Gerry he could marry me. The fact that he was giving away his only baby girl to a man he knew would take me away from Maine for good terrified him. He loved Gerry like a son yet knew that Maine would never be a home for him, for many reasons.
It was the hardest few months of my father's life not telling me what Gerry had planned. I was so surprised when he finally asked. To some it may seem like we moved really fast from "I love you" to "I do" but we didn't feel that way at all. We had in all honesty all but moved in with each other since returning from California spending only one or two nights a month apart.
I had to leave my attic after that, it was getting dark and it was hard to see in the dim light. I hated to go downstairs though, for some reason the attic felt more comfortable to me then the living room or even the bedroom. I ended up in the kitchen with an old remedy of mine for when I feel overwhelmed home made hot chocolate and chocolate mousse pie. Opening the diary again I found myself at our first Christmas as a married couple.
Baby shoes, I got baby shoes for Christmas. I still can't believe it at all. I mean I have always wanted kids but Jess and I have been together for over a year now and nothing had happened. I had given up hope of being a father and now I am going to be one. I want to do nothing but hold Jess in my arms and not let her out of my sight until the baby comes. She is sleeping right now curled onto the couch resting after today's activities. Julius has dish duty tonight and all I can do is write and watch my wife as she sleeps.
Marina is so beautiful. I can't believe that I helped make something this small. Jess is sleeping and I just gave Marina back to the nurse although very reluctantly. Jess was so adamant about me being in the delivery room although I think the doctors felt I was in the way. I would never miss it for the world however, being there and holding her hand as she worked so hard to bring our angel into the world.
Julius is going to be the godfather and Sheryl the godmother. Julius is also getting married at some point he and Diane are going to be so happy together. I hope that when he has kids that ours are as good of friends as we are.
Gerry was a wonderful father. It was all I could to do sometimes to get Marina away from him for her feedings or nap. Curious to see what he felt about the next pregnancy I flipped around until I saw his entry, all nine months or so in one.
I am in complete shock. Jess just came home and told me that she is going to have twins. I mean I know that she was pregnant, but when she started to get cramps and had trouble sleeping she went to the doctor and found out this. I'm thrilled but can't help being a little worried. Mari was nothing like this and even assurances that all pregnancies are different make no difference to me.
It is two months till the twins are due and things have not gotten any easier. If anything they have gotten worse. Jess is confined to bed rest and it is driving her crazy. She has taken up lace knitting again, which she learned from her grandmother. She is making a lace table cloth as a wedding gift for Rev.
I hate seeing her so unhappy. Even Mari, as young as she is, has noticed the change in the house. It is missing Jess. I never noticed how much she did to make this house a home till she hasn't been able to do them anymore. Little things such as flowers in the windows, lobster dinners on the weekends from her brothers, and the smell of baking that invaded the house nearly everyday.
The twins are here and they are so beautiful, Gil and Krista as they have been christened by dotting grandparents. Jess, however is not doing so well. After ten excruciating hours I was kicked out of the delivery room by a pale and nervous doctor. Gil was breeched and no matter how hard the doctors tried to turn the baby, so Jess could give birth they couldn't do it. It was the bleeding that started and her pulse dropping that convinced the doctors to kick me out.
I spent the next ten hours outside making insane promises to God to let her live. I would be lost without her. When the doctor came out and told me that she was out of danger, I was for the first time in my life glad for my chair. I don't think that my legs would have been able to hold me the relief was so great.
I spent the following hours holding her hand waiting for her to wake up. I wasn't going to be satisfied till I saw her open her eyes and send me that dazzling smile my way. She had become my life and even the knowledge that I had three children was not enough to satisfy me, if she was taken away. In the end I settled for sleep fogged eyes and my
name before she fell asleep again. It was only then that I allowed myself to go home and sleep. I was back at the hospital the next morning with silver roses
"Excuse me miss, but I am looking for my wife, have you seen her?" Gerry asked in a teasing voice as he came into the room.
I smiled weakly as he came over and pulled my hand to his lips. Wishing that I was able to at least sit up in the bed to greet him or better yet able to walk out of the hospital.
"Do you know beautiful you are?" Gerry asked me
I had a feeling that I looked anything but. However, I was more interested in my babies then in his flattery. "Gerry, do I ever look any other way to you?" I asked him teasing. "The doctor said he will bring in the twins today. He also told me that our parents are the ones who named the twins." I told him a smile crossing my face.
"Only their first names." He replied with a laugh. "They said we could pick their middle names." He told me a smile making his way across his face.
"How generous," I replied my attention drawn to the sight of the twins being brought into my room.
I really don't remember much about the birth of the twins, from Gerry's journal I think that is a good thing. I think it is funny that he was so worried about not living with me when it was I who had to learn to live without him. Forge ahead and somehow learn to make the decisions about my life and how it would affect the kids and me, not the kids Gerry and I.
I do remember it took a long time to recover from the birth though. Gerry and I never talked about it but we both decided not to try and have any other kids. Our brush with disaster had left us cautious and Gerry more than a little overly protective of our time together and of me.
In fact the last pregnancy was a total surprise. A gift from our last night together before Gerry was killed. Curious I turned to the last entry in the diary to read whatever it was that he had written.
I find myself so content these days. I was rereading my entries and the bitter voice that fills the pages seems like someone else. I remember having the feeling but now they seem so selfish as if in my bitterness I missed out on so much.
I have been thinking a lot about my children lately. I was the twins age when he was killed. Seeing the differences between Mari and the twins shows mw just how much he missed. I used to blame him for leaving but not any more. If the choice was his I'm sure that he wouldn't have left. The kids are just so beautiful, some days I find it so hard to believe that they are mine, that this whole life that we have made is not mine and one day I will wake up and it will all be gone.
I have been thinking about children again. Maybe even asking Jess if we should give it one more try. We have been so lucky and another child would fit into our lives. I would worry about what it would do to her so much though. If we would have another situation like we had with Gil and Krista. I plan on talking to her tonight after our anniversary dinner.
I was in tears by the time I finished and thoroughly exhausted. I had no idea Gerry even thought about having another child, but I knew that after I was ready to at least try and get pregnant. I honestly don't know what would have done if I hadn't been pregnant when he was killed.
I was to empty to think about anything else though and the oblivion sleep promised me was welcoming after my emotional day. Stretching out on the couch I cried myself to sleep, my feeling even more in the air then they were before I started the weekend.
It was late afternoon when I woke up again, the well known smell of lobster and melting butter teasing me awake. Still wrapped in the blanket I walked into the kitchen to see Sunshine in front of the stove.
"Fresh from home, just the way you like them," Sunshine told me turning back to the stove. "You have time to shower and change if you want," he said anticipating my question.
Turning silently I left the room my thoughts and feelings racing. It was upstairs in the shower that I realized what the weekend really was. It was my way of saying goodbye to the life that I had lived with Gerry. A life I knew the time had come to leave behind but never forget.
Putting on my jeans I realized that Gerry in his six year old ways had recognized that fact before I did. I went back downstairs and into the living room crossed to the mantle. Slowly and reverently I reached for the snow globe and pulled it down. Walking to the other side of the room I placed it in the curio. I saw Sunshine watching me from inside the kitchen door.
That is where I went next thanking him as he handed me a lobster. Slowly I broke off a leg and sucked out the meat. "How do you always know what I need?"
"It is a gift of mine, and your brother Michael called and told me you need a good lobster lunch."
I laughed at that quickly eating my lobster. Just as Alan was there for Gerry after he was paralyzed, Sunshine has always been there for me. Two years ago he finally found the courage to ask me out prodded into it over a Thanksgiving dinner by Michael's wife Danielle.
I don't know what shocked me more his asking or the voices of Mari, Gil and Krista all saying yes. They love Sunshine so much. I think what shocked him the most was hearing me say yes as well a few moments after the children.
He had asked me to marry him about a month ago telling me I could answer whenever I wanted. I was halfway done with my lobster when I realized what my answer was. That was what the pilgrimage was about a way that I could say goodbye to Gerry and the life that I was about to leave.
"Do you remember the question you asked me, and said there was no rush for an answer?" I asked liking the last of the butter of my fingers.
He sat back down his face becoming a bit pale under his tan. He nodded looking at me to continue.
"The answer is yes" I said. Before I could say anything else Sunshine was pulling me into his arms to give me a slow kiss that made me melt into his arms. Over the weekend I had found peace with the boy that I loved.
The wedding was beautiful held in Alexandria. Rev once again married me and Sheryl was now the matron of honor having married her high school sweetheart. Gerry gave me away in lieu of my father who had passed away. A picture of him and Gerry sat on the piano having been placed in the spot of honor.
At my mother's insistence I was once again wearing white as was Mari and Krista both acting as my maids of honor. Gil was Sunshine's best man and looked so handsome in his suit.
Six months later I made Sunshine the happiest man alive when I told him I was going to make him a father. The kids are thrilled as well Gerry most of all being sick of being the baby of the family. As for my feelings I am thrilled beyond belief to pregnant again. Some times in my quieter moments I know in my heart that this pregnancy is Gerry's way of telling me that I have his blessing and he understands.
Jessica Bertier has published several articles on the life of her late husband. She has also written several nonfiction books her most famous being the biography of her late husband. She is also the author of the well known series of children books called Ida Know. She and her four children live in Alexandria Virginia. She and her second husband Sunshine are eagerly waiting the arrival of first child in June of this year.
I don't know what sent me up to the attic that day. I hadn't been up there since well since before Gerry died honestly. I knew that Sheryl and Julius to help me out had packed all of Gerry's things and put them up there for me after I found out I was pregnant.
It was Gerry who got me up here this time, not Gil. It would not have been easier if it was Gil. I put myself in this position really. Always talking about this phantom father who would be so proud of the kids, a father that he has never meet and knows only as the man in the films. While slowly at first but now with more vigor I moved on with my life and away from the person I was just five years ago. Away from the man who is their father.
Gerry asked me for something of his Dad's that he could have. He is over at Julius' today playing football with the other kids. I asked Julius to take the kids for the weekend as I make my pilgrimage to the attic. I think that's a proper word for what I am doing paying homage to the man I loved. Sorting out my feelings along the way if that was even possible.
Four hours later I had six overflowing boxes filled with his things. Clothes, pictures, a pocket knife, watches, his medals, and all the other pieces of his life that had been sitting in the boxes for the past five years. The clothes still carried his scent, old spice with a hint of my own scent of tangerine spice. A testament to the amount of time we spent with each other every day.
I was keeping only a few pieces of clothes. The shirt he wore so much it was almost transparent, his Olympic uniform, the Titan jersey, and his wedding suit. Oh and the shirt I wore for the first few months after he died. The rest are going to the local good will, someone needs them more then this old attic.
It was in the shirt that I found his journals. I never thought to look for them. I knew that he kept one, as I did my writing for the day he would often be nearby writing himself. I opened it slowly and decided to read it randomly and not straight through. Hoping the emotions wouldn't completely overwhelm me.
I have never been one to write things down. My mom and the coaches feel that therapy is a good idea for me. I didn't really talk to the therapist though. I am more comfortable with my "brother" Julius. So the therapist decided that I should write if I don't want to talk so her I am forced to write in this thing for at least one hour a week. It is supposed to help me sort out all my feelings about my accident. I guess that I am dealing to well for people to believe. The thing is that I am not dealing as well as people think. Not even Julius knows how I really feel about what happened.
I know that what happened was my fault no matter what anyone says. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing or where I was going till it was to late, and I definitely paid for it. Some of the guys want to know what I feel and honestly I feel nothing. It is like I don't exist from a certain point anymore. The doctor explained what I would be able to do and not do now that my legs are well gone.
I had such plans for my life after high school. Now I don't even know if I will still be able to go to school in the fall. The coaches are going to talk to the school and find out what they can do for me. I wanted a family and a career and now well I don't know. The doctor said that it is to soon to tell if I can ever have kids. How can I do anything of that now?
Coach is already talking about training me for the Olympics that I told him about. I don't what I even going to train for the Coach and I are going to talk about that when he visits later today. I am not sure what I want to do about that either I only brought it up so he wouldn't talk about reflecting on what had happened I don't want to reflect I want to forget.
I think this journal thing is an okay thing. I felt well better after I had written in it. That's why I am back again even though the week isn't up. I talked to Coach Boone apparently he knows a few people on the board at the University of Virginia and convinced them to let me go on an academic scholarship and giving Julius my football scholarship. I have to keep a 3.5 average but I know I can do it, if I work hard enough. I think it's great that Julius is going to be there as well. Mom said I can get an apartment with him and not live in the dorms if I want to. Since the dorms aren't really… well made for people like me I think an apartment will be better. Julius and I are already making plans.
Coach and I have decided on shot put. I will have to work a little one my form but because of football I already have the upper body strength to make it work. We are going to start training in the fall. He is making a schedule up so I can train on my own and he will be up on the weekends.
Alan came to visit today. Of all the members of the team that come to visit he is the one that tries the least to make me feel better. I like that. Even with Julius it sometimes feels forced like he wants to well, get me to open up. I think he knows I am not telling him everything, or faking being ok. Alan, well Alan, just lets me be me. He doesn't try to talk and I admire that in him. I could do without the country music he still loves to listen to on the sly so that the guys don't tease him.
My mom is the worst puttering around my room wanting to do it all for me. Wanting me to talk to her, to cry and get it all out. I just can't do it, the tears, the talking. I want to I just don't know how to do that to her. To show her how I feel and more importantly what I feel about me. How can I tell her that I can't stand to look at myself or have people touch me?
I was crying so hard when I read those passages. This was a side of Gerry I had only seen a few times over the ten years that I had known him. His words brought back a memory of one of our early dates.
It was so dark in the theater; they always were back then before the shows would start. Gerry stared straight ahead sitting stiffly in his chair as he felt me rest my arm on his chair. He knew that he should tell me what he was feeling, but chickened out. Making up an excuse he quickly wheeled himself out of the theater.
I was having none of it and followed him outside. Calling after him until he stopped and turned back to face her.
"What is wrong?" I asked quietly as he stared at her.
"I don't like when people touch me." He yelled at me wanting to get me to go away.
I took several deep breathes before speaking to him. "Then we won't touch till you want to. But if it all the same to you I want to see the movie and I don't want to walk back the apartment by myself…" I let my voice trail off wanting to give Gerry the control in this situation.
"I'll have Julius come pick you up in two hours." Gerry said leaving me outside the theater. He was to lost in his own confused thoughts to see the tears falling down my cheeks.
I still remember walking around downtown till Julius came. He was so mad that he had left me there but ever loyal to Gerry didn't speak to me about it
The sound of the phone ringing from downstairs startled me from my thoughts. I rushed downstairs only to hear the machine pick up. It was Sunshine wanting to see how I was doing. Making up my mind I turned the phone and machine to silent and went back up to the attic.
I decided to skip ahead. To jump ahead from the bitter voice that filled the first few pages and move to college. I didn't think I could have handled the bitter voice much longer. It was so different from the voice of the man I fell in love with. The bitterness was part of him at times yes, but not in the overwhelming tone the journal had.
Before I sat back down I plugged in Gerry's old radio. I tuned into the only station I could find, and the strains of "Ain't no mountain high enough" drifted into the corners of the attic hiding with the spiders.
I flipped open the journal randomly and decided to go from there. It was dated three days before I moved in yet continued till after our first date. My diary was the same way at times. A collection of fits and starts and whole weeks to months connected in a few paragraphs.
The apartment is pretty cool. Coaches and the guys did a great job sprucing the place up and making sure I could get around. A couple of the people upstairs gave Julius and I weird looks as we moved in. When will all this race stuff be over? I'm not stupid enough to think a few miles would solve the problem but its college and the building from what I can tell is filled with mostly "yanks" as my mom would say. Not that I care really the place is great and I am beginning to think that I can still have some of my dreams.
I am so stupid sometimes. I met this girl today. Ok I ran her over and asked her out. She said yes and then I nearly got away without finding where she lived or anything. It turns out she lives just across the hall. One of those "yanks" I talked about before. The date was great, she is funny and nice and the entire time had eyes for me only. The only bad part she kissed me. I mean that's touching and I can barely let my mother or Julius touch me let alone this girl from a fishing village in Maine.
Man is Julius pissed at me. I mean yeah I was a jerk but I expected a bit more loyalty from Julius other then the silent treatment that he has been giving me for the past two days. I left Jess at the movies. After I threw a fit when she touched my chair, the chair not me, and she still likes me. She sent Julius home with a message for me, the only thing he has said to me since he got home, "don't be a stranger."
I don't know what to do. I am going to talk to Coach when he comes up for my training. Maybe he can help me sort this all out. I hope so.
I don't know what happened during that conversation. Whatever was said it had to be good. Gerry showed up at my door that weekend.
Gerry tried to knock four times before finally getting enough courage to knock. Once he did it, it didn't take long for me to open it. I had been watching him since I heard his door open.
"Hi," I said opening the door and motioning for him to come into the apartment.
It took some maneuvering but he managed to get into the apartment without any help. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the other night. I would understand if… well, if you kicked me out." He told me.
I could see in his eyes he meant what he said. Sighing I sunk further into the chair I was sitting in. "Well I was kind of thinking about inviting you to dinner not kicking you out." I told him watching his face as he took in what I had said.
He came closer to me and held out his hand. Slowly I put mine in his and waited. A few minutes later he spoke again, "how about for now, I do the touching?"
I nodded content to let him have the say. I knew that I already loved him.
I took a break for some food after that, ordering Gerry's favorite food from the local take out place. I remembered how by that Christmas he would pull me on his lap and nuzzle me on the neck or kiss me. He would even let me touch him first sometimes. I learned to read his moods to see when I could touch him first. It was always the times when he would stretch as if to put his arm around me but stop and let his arms fall back down. Those were the times when he was comfortable enough for me to touch him.
Those were the nights I liked the best, him comfortable enough to let me touch him. I remember when he told me he loved me on our way to L.A. My favorite memory from the trip was what happened after he won the gold. Shaking myself out of my thoughts I turned to another page.
Wow, I never knew that eggs can smell that bad. Our apartment was egged last night. A presents for having the nerve to live here with Julius in the apartment as brothers and equals, in other words shattering their hard won delusions about the world. Luckily the three of us were at a Titans game at the time, cheering them on to a win and their shot at the championship again. This was the first game that I went to. Julius decided it was time and my mom wanted to meet Jess so it was a lost cause to argue.
Jess loved the game. I have to admit I spent more time watching her watch the game then the actual game. She had an understanding of the game that rivaled Sheryl's yet not Sheryl's way of well reacting to the game. It is all understated and in her eyes, the reactions anyway. She just had this glow when ever we got a touchdown and if we didn't she just shrunk into herself for a few moments. All of her brothers played hockey and that is where the reactions came from. She said that yelling is no use during the games, since you can't hear anything, so the silent reactions served her better as she sat behind the team's box.
I just read my last paragraph over and noticed the word we. I still feel like part of the team. Sometimes at night I wake up and feel that well, that I am still on the team and it is the championship game and there I am making a touch down and running across the field. Then I wake up and I am back to being the guy in the chair.
As for my mother she adores Jess. I have never seen her act like that towards any other girl I introduced her to. She has already invited her to come for Thanksgiving and had Easter cornered once she found out Jess was going home for Christmas. My mother seems to have high hopes for us. When I told her that all she said was 'a mother always knows.'
Jess has been great about the whole egg thing. She helped us clean up as best as we could. She is coming over again today with a cure for the smell courtesy of her mother. Her apartment was hit to but it was ours that she cleaned first and ours she was worried about. She was so mad about the egging. She was on the phone to her parents almost instantly wanting to know how to get the smell out. The fact that the eggs had two days to dry out while we were in Alexandria does not help anything either.
My mom is not happy at all and wants to know how the whole apartment complex could not notice the smell as they are claiming. I don't know what to think anymore Julius is trying not to let it get to him and just keep it as normal as possible. I almost want to say to him that he needs to deal but I don't think that will help the situation here at all.
Our poor mothers all so upset that this had happened, but helpless to protect us from what the world wants to force on all of us. Even in today's world I sometimes wonder what will happen to my children and their friends outside of the family circle that the Titans have made.
I have toyed with the thoughts of moving many times since Gerry had died. Going back to Maine or even picking a city off a map and just going there and make my fortune. I could never pull the kids away from here though. The bond of brotherhood that the Titans felt for Gerry has been passed on not only to my kids but me as well. Leaving is just not an option that I can never consider.
The next entry I turned to was after we had all returned to college after Christmas break. Of all the semester at college, it was the one that I really don't remember that well. There were a few matches that we went to but other then that, nothing memorable. I skipped ahead again to the summer when thing got really interesting for all of us.
We have just gotten back from Maine. Jess' brother David got married and Jess and I went up for the ceremony. A whole two weeks away from competitions and training. Jess and her brothers managed to make a wish come true. She never manages to stop amazing me.
"Gerry no peaking," I said with a laugh as he tugged on the bandana we had tied around his eyes.
"Can you blame me? I have no idea what is going on."
All I could do was laugh as we parked the car and got Gerry out of the car. Carefully we managed to get Gerry onto the lobster boat that my brothers had painstakingly made accessible for Gerry's surprise.
"You guys, the world is tilting on me," Gerry said as we started the boat and tugged away from the landing.
When we pulled out of the cove, my brothers gave me the signal to take off the blindfold. "Surprise!" was all I managed to say as I revealed the sight.
It took several moments for Gerry to respond to what we had done. Even then all he could manage was to pull me onto his lap and kiss me.
"I hope he doesn't thank us all that way," Michael said with a laugh.
"No, only Jess is that lucky," Gerry told them as we pulled even farther away from the cove.
That whole day was amazing. We stayed out on the water most of the day emptying the traps. We sailed around Monhegan and then to Franklin Island for a picnic lunch.
Even I was surprised by the present my brothers gave the two of us. I had made mention of how Gerry had always wanted to spend the day out on the ocean and never got the change. My brothers took that sentence and gave us a day that was amazing.
I took another break then to stretch my legs. I walked around the attic several times listening Carol King over the radio. I found an old chair covered in boxes and cleared it off before curling onto it and opening the diary again.
Well I never thought that I would hate going over to Jess' apartment but now I do. We are still as close as ever it is her roommate that is the problem. I mean moving in when there is a congratulations party going on for making it to the Olympics can be a bit overwhelming, but she just threw a fit. At least she waited till after the party. About ten minutes after we left the apartment Jess was knocking on our door crying and her roommate had locked herself in Jess' room. She spent the night over here for the first time since we have known each other. It was on the couch but it was still nice to know that she was so close the whole night.
Sheryl and Coach have practically moved in as well. Sheryl and Jess have become the best of friends and are starting a two person hockey team at the local rink, with a promise to move to ice come January.
Her brothers came down for a few matches and are planning on going out to L.A. for the games as well. I am really excited but scared as well. I am taking an insane course load so spring will be easy as well as training. Jess and Julius in an effort to be supportive are matching my course load. I just hope that the classes won't bring Julius' 4.0 down.
I have been wanting to talk to Jess about us for a few months now, but I keep chickening out every time we get some alone time. I think that I am scared to hear what she might say.
It took him till we were on our way to California for to the games before we finally had the talk about us. It isn't like I would have been able to say anything else but I love you. I had tried to say it before but he always found some way to stop me before I could finish it. We were saying it in other ways long before that plane ride.
This whole experience has been amazing. The feeling that I got telling Jess how I felt and to hear her say it back. When we were both able to say it for the joy of saying it and not just wanting to say it because that is what people do.
The feeling of the gold medal being placed around my neck was amazing. Off on the sidelines I saw Jess and my mom crying and hugging each other. I could hear the Titans cheering for me and I knew that Jess' family was there as well. The whole experience was surreal. I felt at times that I wasn't really there and other times I felt that I was so alive that nothing could touch me now. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt that way.
The night after the games was great. Julius, Jess, Rev, Alan, and I went out to some of the clubs around the hotel. We even toyed with the idea of going to Vegas but a lack of a car turned off that idea very quickly.
That wasn't the only reason we turned down Vegas. Gerry and I had our own party that night back at the hotel. It was amazing I mean I had never thought I could be that close to another person.
"I love you," Gerry said waking me up as he nuzzled my neck.
"I love you to," I managed to say back as I cuddled closer to him.
"Do you know that you are glowing," Gerry said teasing me "I can see you in the dark,"
I rolled over and looked at the time. "Oh no," I said sitting up. "We have to meet our parents in ten minutes." I leaned over and gave him a kiss before grabbing his robe and running out of the room.
Gerry spent the day whispering at key moments in my ear that I was glowing or when we were in the Chinese theater he couldn't see the screen I was so bright. I was just thankfully my parents or brothers never picked up on it. No matter how much they loved him the knowledge that we had made love would have been taken well. It was after that Gerry told me I could touch him whenever I wanted. That was almost as meaningful to me as him saying I love you.
I called Jess' father today. We talked for around two hours give or take. I asked him for permission to marry Jess. He gave it immediately. Asking when I was going to ask her and when I was thinking about having the ceremony. I answered him honestly with I don't know. I know I want to ask her, I just have no idea when I will ask her.
My father was never braver then when he told Gerry he could marry me. The fact that he was giving away his only baby girl to a man he knew would take me away from Maine for good terrified him. He loved Gerry like a son yet knew that Maine would never be a home for him, for many reasons.
It was the hardest few months of my father's life not telling me what Gerry had planned. I was so surprised when he finally asked. To some it may seem like we moved really fast from "I love you" to "I do" but we didn't feel that way at all. We had in all honesty all but moved in with each other since returning from California spending only one or two nights a month apart.
I had to leave my attic after that, it was getting dark and it was hard to see in the dim light. I hated to go downstairs though, for some reason the attic felt more comfortable to me then the living room or even the bedroom. I ended up in the kitchen with an old remedy of mine for when I feel overwhelmed home made hot chocolate and chocolate mousse pie. Opening the diary again I found myself at our first Christmas as a married couple.
Baby shoes, I got baby shoes for Christmas. I still can't believe it at all. I mean I have always wanted kids but Jess and I have been together for over a year now and nothing had happened. I had given up hope of being a father and now I am going to be one. I want to do nothing but hold Jess in my arms and not let her out of my sight until the baby comes. She is sleeping right now curled onto the couch resting after today's activities. Julius has dish duty tonight and all I can do is write and watch my wife as she sleeps.
Marina is so beautiful. I can't believe that I helped make something this small. Jess is sleeping and I just gave Marina back to the nurse although very reluctantly. Jess was so adamant about me being in the delivery room although I think the doctors felt I was in the way. I would never miss it for the world however, being there and holding her hand as she worked so hard to bring our angel into the world.
Julius is going to be the godfather and Sheryl the godmother. Julius is also getting married at some point he and Diane are going to be so happy together. I hope that when he has kids that ours are as good of friends as we are.
Gerry was a wonderful father. It was all I could to do sometimes to get Marina away from him for her feedings or nap. Curious to see what he felt about the next pregnancy I flipped around until I saw his entry, all nine months or so in one.
I am in complete shock. Jess just came home and told me that she is going to have twins. I mean I know that she was pregnant, but when she started to get cramps and had trouble sleeping she went to the doctor and found out this. I'm thrilled but can't help being a little worried. Mari was nothing like this and even assurances that all pregnancies are different make no difference to me.
It is two months till the twins are due and things have not gotten any easier. If anything they have gotten worse. Jess is confined to bed rest and it is driving her crazy. She has taken up lace knitting again, which she learned from her grandmother. She is making a lace table cloth as a wedding gift for Rev.
I hate seeing her so unhappy. Even Mari, as young as she is, has noticed the change in the house. It is missing Jess. I never noticed how much she did to make this house a home till she hasn't been able to do them anymore. Little things such as flowers in the windows, lobster dinners on the weekends from her brothers, and the smell of baking that invaded the house nearly everyday.
The twins are here and they are so beautiful, Gil and Krista as they have been christened by dotting grandparents. Jess, however is not doing so well. After ten excruciating hours I was kicked out of the delivery room by a pale and nervous doctor. Gil was breeched and no matter how hard the doctors tried to turn the baby, so Jess could give birth they couldn't do it. It was the bleeding that started and her pulse dropping that convinced the doctors to kick me out.
I spent the next ten hours outside making insane promises to God to let her live. I would be lost without her. When the doctor came out and told me that she was out of danger, I was for the first time in my life glad for my chair. I don't think that my legs would have been able to hold me the relief was so great.
I spent the following hours holding her hand waiting for her to wake up. I wasn't going to be satisfied till I saw her open her eyes and send me that dazzling smile my way. She had become my life and even the knowledge that I had three children was not enough to satisfy me, if she was taken away. In the end I settled for sleep fogged eyes and my
name before she fell asleep again. It was only then that I allowed myself to go home and sleep. I was back at the hospital the next morning with silver roses
"Excuse me miss, but I am looking for my wife, have you seen her?" Gerry asked in a teasing voice as he came into the room.
I smiled weakly as he came over and pulled my hand to his lips. Wishing that I was able to at least sit up in the bed to greet him or better yet able to walk out of the hospital.
"Do you know beautiful you are?" Gerry asked me
I had a feeling that I looked anything but. However, I was more interested in my babies then in his flattery. "Gerry, do I ever look any other way to you?" I asked him teasing. "The doctor said he will bring in the twins today. He also told me that our parents are the ones who named the twins." I told him a smile crossing my face.
"Only their first names." He replied with a laugh. "They said we could pick their middle names." He told me a smile making his way across his face.
"How generous," I replied my attention drawn to the sight of the twins being brought into my room.
I really don't remember much about the birth of the twins, from Gerry's journal I think that is a good thing. I think it is funny that he was so worried about not living with me when it was I who had to learn to live without him. Forge ahead and somehow learn to make the decisions about my life and how it would affect the kids and me, not the kids Gerry and I.
I do remember it took a long time to recover from the birth though. Gerry and I never talked about it but we both decided not to try and have any other kids. Our brush with disaster had left us cautious and Gerry more than a little overly protective of our time together and of me.
In fact the last pregnancy was a total surprise. A gift from our last night together before Gerry was killed. Curious I turned to the last entry in the diary to read whatever it was that he had written.
I find myself so content these days. I was rereading my entries and the bitter voice that fills the pages seems like someone else. I remember having the feeling but now they seem so selfish as if in my bitterness I missed out on so much.
I have been thinking a lot about my children lately. I was the twins age when he was killed. Seeing the differences between Mari and the twins shows mw just how much he missed. I used to blame him for leaving but not any more. If the choice was his I'm sure that he wouldn't have left. The kids are just so beautiful, some days I find it so hard to believe that they are mine, that this whole life that we have made is not mine and one day I will wake up and it will all be gone.
I have been thinking about children again. Maybe even asking Jess if we should give it one more try. We have been so lucky and another child would fit into our lives. I would worry about what it would do to her so much though. If we would have another situation like we had with Gil and Krista. I plan on talking to her tonight after our anniversary dinner.
I was in tears by the time I finished and thoroughly exhausted. I had no idea Gerry even thought about having another child, but I knew that after I was ready to at least try and get pregnant. I honestly don't know what would have done if I hadn't been pregnant when he was killed.
I was to empty to think about anything else though and the oblivion sleep promised me was welcoming after my emotional day. Stretching out on the couch I cried myself to sleep, my feeling even more in the air then they were before I started the weekend.
It was late afternoon when I woke up again, the well known smell of lobster and melting butter teasing me awake. Still wrapped in the blanket I walked into the kitchen to see Sunshine in front of the stove.
"Fresh from home, just the way you like them," Sunshine told me turning back to the stove. "You have time to shower and change if you want," he said anticipating my question.
Turning silently I left the room my thoughts and feelings racing. It was upstairs in the shower that I realized what the weekend really was. It was my way of saying goodbye to the life that I had lived with Gerry. A life I knew the time had come to leave behind but never forget.
Putting on my jeans I realized that Gerry in his six year old ways had recognized that fact before I did. I went back downstairs and into the living room crossed to the mantle. Slowly and reverently I reached for the snow globe and pulled it down. Walking to the other side of the room I placed it in the curio. I saw Sunshine watching me from inside the kitchen door.
That is where I went next thanking him as he handed me a lobster. Slowly I broke off a leg and sucked out the meat. "How do you always know what I need?"
"It is a gift of mine, and your brother Michael called and told me you need a good lobster lunch."
I laughed at that quickly eating my lobster. Just as Alan was there for Gerry after he was paralyzed, Sunshine has always been there for me. Two years ago he finally found the courage to ask me out prodded into it over a Thanksgiving dinner by Michael's wife Danielle.
I don't know what shocked me more his asking or the voices of Mari, Gil and Krista all saying yes. They love Sunshine so much. I think what shocked him the most was hearing me say yes as well a few moments after the children.
He had asked me to marry him about a month ago telling me I could answer whenever I wanted. I was halfway done with my lobster when I realized what my answer was. That was what the pilgrimage was about a way that I could say goodbye to Gerry and the life that I was about to leave.
"Do you remember the question you asked me, and said there was no rush for an answer?" I asked liking the last of the butter of my fingers.
He sat back down his face becoming a bit pale under his tan. He nodded looking at me to continue.
"The answer is yes" I said. Before I could say anything else Sunshine was pulling me into his arms to give me a slow kiss that made me melt into his arms. Over the weekend I had found peace with the boy that I loved.
The wedding was beautiful held in Alexandria. Rev once again married me and Sheryl was now the matron of honor having married her high school sweetheart. Gerry gave me away in lieu of my father who had passed away. A picture of him and Gerry sat on the piano having been placed in the spot of honor.
At my mother's insistence I was once again wearing white as was Mari and Krista both acting as my maids of honor. Gil was Sunshine's best man and looked so handsome in his suit.
Six months later I made Sunshine the happiest man alive when I told him I was going to make him a father. The kids are thrilled as well Gerry most of all being sick of being the baby of the family. As for my feelings I am thrilled beyond belief to pregnant again. Some times in my quieter moments I know in my heart that this pregnancy is Gerry's way of telling me that I have his blessing and he understands.
Jessica Bertier has published several articles on the life of her late husband. She has also written several nonfiction books her most famous being the biography of her late husband. She is also the author of the well known series of children books called Ida Know. She and her four children live in Alexandria Virginia. She and her second husband Sunshine are eagerly waiting the arrival of first child in June of this year.