Time-line: After Two For The Road.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I am not affiliated in any way, shape or form with anyone who does.
Sawyer stared into the inky blackness. Unlike many people, the jungle at night didn't hold any fear for him. It was the opposite, he found it comforting. It gave him the ability to hide, to succumb to the nothingness that surrounded him, to be free from the constraints of upholding his Sawyer persona. It gave him the freedom to be James, if only for a few minutes.
Those few minutes were always precious to him, but recently he'd been spending more time out in the jungle, just sitting on the ground for hours and emptying his mind of all thoughts, all feelings. But eventually, the thoughts and the feelings would begin to creep back, and before he knew so, they were attacking him, affronting him, making him remember.
Ever since he was a child, he had dreamed of his parent's dying. When he grew up, those nightmares became paired with dreams of the women he had conned. After landing on the island, they became fused with the murder he had committed.
But now, he would give anything to suffer those dreams again. Because what he remembered when he let go of his defences was far worse than he had ever imagined. He remembered her.
Sometimes her image would flicker past his mind; he would see her, sprawled out on the couch, the darkness of her hair matching her soulless eyes. They had been as empty as the night air that he had used to seek his comfort.
Sometimes it was more than her image. Sometimes it was the memory of their final time together, and those were the memories that destroyed him every night. They taunted him, plaguing his mind with accusations.
What if he had made her stay afterwards?
What if he had followed her?
What if he had noticed she had stolen his gun?
He sighed, opening his eyes and looking around him. There was nothing there, all the images had been inside his head but they had felt real. And suddenly he realised why he had been spending more time awake and alone at night; the emptiness around him had lost its power. It could no longer bring the peace that he craved; it was as bad as life during the daylight. It wouldn't let him be James; it was forcing him to become Sawyer.
He closed his eyes again, his body felt weakened, tired and he was worn out, he was so sick of Sawyer during the daylight that he knew he couldn't cope with the prospect of suffering with him at night.
He wanted the darkness back, wanted the overwhelming feeling of safety and security that had accompanied it. Wanted the freedom that he knew he had lost when he had lost her.
But there was only one way he could be sure of regaining the darkness; only one way he could make sure that Sawyer could never control him again.
He didn't open his eyes as he raised the gun to his temple; he wanted the darkness to be the last thing he saw. And calmly, serenely, James pulled the trigger.
And the darkness was the only thing that he ever saw again.