Hey, don't do it
Warnings: Triggers. Implied violence. Suicide attempts.
'I've give up.' With this in mind I reach the school rooftop. I look upside at the sky and notice it was clear. No sight of clouds, just a bright and cheerful sun. The weather would be considered perfect for the majority of Namimori students and yet part of me can't help to think how appalling and imperfect the weather reflects my feelings.
I've tried okay? I've thought that I perfected the tough act and I've tried so hard to make everything better. To ignore the pain and heartaches but it's impossible to me. No one wants me. I can't take it anymore. It's already a miracle that I survived until now. But today I will finish this. I will finish my misery on this rooftop. It's not like anybody would notice my absence.
Only when I was about to take off my shoes I notice him. Across me, already on the other side of the fence, a guy with fluffy hair. Before I can stop or even think about the situation or consequences, my voice betray me. "Hey, don't do it."
I wasn't supposed to say it. I didn't have the right to intrude. The words just escaped from my mouth before I could stop them. And sincerely it didn't really matter to me either way. It wasn't my business. But there was a predicament on my part. My problem was stupid. Petty, insignificant, trivial, ridiculous even. It just didn't sit right with me that someone was there before me.
The fluffy guy flinched when he heard my voice and looked in my direction, but didn't make any movement. When I called him again he turned around reluctantly and then I noticed the wet trails in his face. Apparently, my simple words was enough to make him talk.
"I thought we were meant for each other. I just really wanted her to like me back." He told me. After I heard it I really couldn't control my mouth.
"Are you kidding me!? The nerve you have to get here before me for such a reason! You're upset because you can't have what you want? You're lucky enough that you never had anything stole from you!" I yelled.
"I know! I already knew she wasn't interested! She's the most popular girl at school. She's nice, cute, and gentle, of course someone like that wouldn't take interest on someone like me, but I thought that after everything that happened something would change." The fluffy guy started to cry.
I sigh. That kind of story so cliché that everybody already has heard before. How many heartbroken kids around the world give up and go jump on rooftop today? It was ridiculous and yet I have an example right here. I couldn't help but sigh again. Why people think that the world is ending after a failed one- sided romance? It's not like our world doesn't have more than 7 billion people alive. Even when you erase the ones that are way off your age, there are still too many people in this world.
"Even if that was true, maybe it wasn't supposed to be. You really should feel glad that instead of not getting the love of someone that you wanted you didn't lost the love of people that matter to you."
It's painful you know? Be friends with someone just for them to go away. You try to be the nice guy and by some miracle you make a friend and then, when you look around, they are not beside you anymore. They make new friends, even if their new friends don't seem to really support them like you. Even if your previous friend's laugh became more and more false you don't know how to approach them anymore. Stupid sports clubs, stupid baseball idiots…
The fluffy guy sniffed and some light seems to have returned to his eyes.
"I feel better now that I talked about it." The fluffy guy said and disappeared. I lost my interest on my own mission and decided to go back to class.
Next time that I climbed the stairs to rooftop I thought, "All right, I'm going to do it today" while absentmindedly I adjust my sleeves. It was becoming more difficult to hide the bandages on my wrist lately. The scars are still fresh and yet satisfactory, interesting contradiction, right? But like before, when I was taking off my shoes I looked around and found a little guy. He seemed short them the other guys from school. It wasn't only his appearances, but he seemed to release some gloomy and depressive air around him making him smaller than he looked. Does that even make sense? How can you see people backs and see if they are sad or not? Whatever, what was the actual problem? He was in the other side of the fence. Probably ready to jump. And just like before I couldn't control my mouth and ended up calling him.
He seemed surprise to see me there. Like the rooftop wasn't supposed to have anyone there. Maybe it was because it is the favorite rest place of a certain skylark. According to rumors the bloodlust prefect loved to "bite until death" anyone that went up there to the rooftop. Why didn't he take us down the last time? Well… Apparently the yakuza in our region were being restless. A lot of complaints from old women and little shops have taken his attention. Any chance to take down dangerous adults seems to allure him. Plus there are some "invasions" around Namimori recently. Funny thing they seem to be strangers with accent. Who knows what language is that…
I fake a cough to call his attention. He turned around and looked at me with this distrustful eyes. Even if I was a stranger he didn't need to look at me like I was going to punch him just because he looked my way. And yeah, it happened before. There is an energetic guy who goes around challenging every guy that he meets in this school and inviting them to join the boxing club. I may or may not gave a pathetic left hook in the guy face. It wasn't on purpose. I was already frightened by some jerks and then he came out of nowhere to talk to me. Really, it was a defensive mechanism. I don't need to say that he liked and wants me to improve by joining the boxing club. Now that I think about it, our school is pretty strange, wonder if other schools have such colorful guys like ours.
My attention came back when he started to talk. He said to me to go away, but that just made me mad. How dare him come here first and just say to me to go away? Before I could open my mouth and shout to him he told me how lonely he feels in this world.
"Everyone ignores me. Everything's stolen from me. I don't belong anywhere." He said.
Hearing this I couldn't help myself. "Are you kidding me!? The nerve you have to get here before me for such a reason! Despite all that, you're still loved at home and there's always dinner waiting for you, right?"
"So what? Do you know what it is to be in a room where everyone is your enemy? I don't even need to blink for the others to go and steal my things and torment me. If I open my mouth they just ignore it or snort by my 'stupidity'. When I try to be nice to others they just laugh at me or look at me with disgust. Even the teachers that are supposed to support students use me as an example of failure."
I sigh. The world isn't fair. Everyone knows it. And everyone ignore it. Children and teenagers are cruel. Adults are cruel. You couldn't and can't trust anyone in this cruel world. It's better to shut off and create your own world. If people start to think like this what would happen with the sense of community? A sense of déjà vu assault me, images come to my mind. A scrawled school desk with hurtful and gruesome words, "idiot", "useless", "stupid", "die". A locker full of garbage, some of them look suspiciously like the rest of my notebooks. Older teenagers laughing cruelly at something. Some bruises. And blood. Maybe some broken bones. Does it sound familiar?
"You still have your family. Even if the world acts as your enemy you still have your parents as your allies. When you go back home your mother waits for you with warm dinner and a smile in her face, right? Shouldn't this be enough for another day? Is this pain so horrible that you would steal this smile from your family in such a deadly way?"
The fluffy guy sniffed and some light seems to have returned to his eyes, the gloomy aura diminished.
"I'm hungry." The short guy cried and disappeared. I feel tired and return to my class.
These hurtful scenes become routine. Every time that I garner my courage to go up there, someone was already on the other side of the fence. And like before, for some strange reason I become the only one that listened and talked with them. Some kind words, some encouragement, some harsh but truthful words. They confessed and I talked them out of it. I was always the one that listened. And yet I can't share my pains with anyone. My problems were mine and mine alone.
'Why was I born in this world?' Once, I heard we live in a cruel and beautiful world. I understand the first part but I'm having difficulties to see the last one. Wherever and whoever I see doesn't seem necessary to my world. I just want to be loved. Is it too much to ask? Would it work if I tried to smile more, just a little more? But then… how do you smile? I forgot this sensation… My tough act is cracking. The hit from yesterday made me sick so I spend my time in infirmary. I didn't inform the teachers, but it's not like somebody would notice my presence or absence. I've held it making it seem like nothing's wrong, until the end of first period. It's scary how good I've gotten at this. Or maybe people around just didn't care enough.
The bed is nice, the infirmary is already a common place for me. There aren't anyone around here but it is fine. It's better if there aren't people around me. But I was bored. And tired. Sleep wasn't helping. So I go to the rooftop. Another common place for me. Who knows? Maybe I would find someone there.
For the first time I found a boy who has the same kind of problems as me. I met this boy wearing a blue jacket after I've seen a few of them. He was on other side of the fence like the others. However, different from the others he was hurt. His face had a big plaster on his left cheek and a Band-Aid on his right. He had a black eye. The bruises on his neck suspiciously look like hands prints, and seems to continue under his collar. I look horribly to his right arm that was in a sling and cast. However, the worst of all was the state of his eyes. They were blank as if he was dead. His eyes were dead and yet he was smiling. A grim smile. Forced, faked. Can it still be called a smile? The guy was breathing but was dead inside. I think my face paled.
"I came here hoping to erase the bruises that keep increasing every time I come home" he said.
My sickness came back. My face definitely lost all the blood, I was sweating, my body was shaking and my mind was blank. Then I remember.
Since that man came to my house everything became a chaos. At first he was civil, he talked to me and was nice to mom so he was a good guy. Sometimes during our talks we didn't agree with each other so he hits me. I'm weak. He's strong. That's normal. I was used to pain. But even I have a limit to pain tolerance. He likes to drink. Alcohol after alcohol, nihonshu, shochu, awamori, umeshu, martini, cinzano, campari and beer. Lots of beer. I didn't know there are so many kinds of alcohol. And how much liquid someone can ingests in less than an hour? Nevertheless, I see for the first time what an angry drunk is. Even under alcohol effects his punches are heavy. His kicks always find my ribs. Mom doesn't know. He always hits me when mom wasn't near. Or maybe she is around but stopped caring about me. I'm not exactly silent during our encounters. Who knows?
"They say I'm a failure. They say no one wants me. No matter what I do or how hard I try, it won't work, apparently" he continues. This self-pity party continues and I ended up saying to him something even I myself didn't quite believe in.
"Hey, just don't do it, please"
Aah, what I should do? I can't stop this boy. I don't have the right to stop him. It's the same for me. I don't know how to alleviate this pain. Should I say for him to talk to an adult? But who? Who would hear him? Who could stop the other? A child against an adult, whoever we talked to wouldn't believe in a useless kid words. No friends, only knowing pain and without hope for the future. I'm the least person to whom he should be talking. And yet I'm alone here with him. But even so just go away from here. It's too painful for me to see you.
"Then I won't do it today." he said as he dropped his gaze and disappeared. I looked around and cried by myself.
There's no one here today. It's just me, myself and I. No one can get in my way. No one would get in my way for me. Taking off my blue jacket, passing a hand in my fluffy hair, this short guy is going to jump now.
The End…
A.N. This fic was heavily influenced by two songs from Vocaloid, "My R" by Kurage-P and "Failure Girl" by Kairiki Bear, both lyrics translated by Hazuki no Yume. Some lines in this fic are from the translated version of them. They've heavy contents but if you ready this you can take the originals, I recommend.
This fic is an AU where Tsuna doesn't become Vongola Decimo so he doesn't meet Reborn. And as consequence he doesn't develop any deep relationship with anyone. After all, Reborn was the starting point where Tsuna's life changed. And, somewhere between the second and third scene, Iemitsu was banished from CEDEF. What he did I will leave it to your imagination, but he wasn't killed by mafia, just went home bitter and angry leading in drinking and more drinking. Result? He becomes violent against Tsuna and sometimes even Nana herself. Love alone isn't enough for protection against a violent drunker.
Now for some explanations. The kids that are on the other side of the fence and specially the principal character, who are they? I hope that little hints would be enough to point to the answer and my poor writing wasn't too confusing to you. But, I imagined they are all the same Sawada Tsunayoshi. The guys that came before on the other side of fence was previous attempts that he abandoned after some pep talk with himself. That's the main point. Tsuna is alone. He doesn't have anyone to talk to and share his pains. His mother? He doesn't want to burden her with this and let's be sincere, she is not the bright mother you want to talk to alleviate your heartaches. And considering that she starts to call him her "useless son" you would close yourself against her too.
Of course, this is my own analysis, you are free to give other interpretation, like Tsuna is so depressed that he start hallucinating and talks with other versions of himself. Or Iemitsu died and Nana's new boyfriend is the one that was abusing him at home.