Trying my hand at a little more GW writing… Hm. I should probably quit, I
know. Too bad.
Warnings: Anger! And.. I think swearing! ( I don't remember. ) Also, toward the end could either be taken as friendship, or shounen-ai. –shrug.- Friends are good to have around, no da.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, so please don't sue…
I stormed into the small room I shared with my partner in the safe house, an awful feeling boiling up from the bottom of my stomach, and sliding it's way up my throat, until I couldn't take it anymore. Until I didn't want to take it anymore.
After slamming the door quite viciously, I picked up whatever was closest to me--which turned out to be a glass of water--and threw it as hard I as could. It slammed mercilessly into the wall, shattering glass showering around the impact, a few shards embedding themselves into the wall, the others raining down along with the water. A splatter upon the white wall showed where the small bomb had impacted.
Things had gone horribly wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. After the idiot who apparently DOESN'T know it all gave me wrong calculations ( Why did I have to fucking TRUST him so much?! ), I had accidentally blown up an apartment complex. Boom. Fire went everywhere. Things wouldn't quit exploding.
I swear to God, I heard screams. I can still hear them. They're going on and on. My fault. It was HIS miscalculation, but he wasn't the one who swung the thermal scythe. He may have been the one to blame, but the blood isn't on HIS hands. It's on mine. The screams were mine. Mine to have to deal with.
I know I'm probably being irrational about it; I mean, I've already killed so many, but this.. I don't know. I TRUSTED him, and he screwed me over. It hurts. Bad.
I felt burning behind my eyes, as well as the growing lump in my throat. No. No no no. Boys don't cry. I don't cry. Crying doesn't help anything. Tears of a soldier won't bring back anyone who died. Crying won't fix what I destroyed.
I heard the door open and close quietly. I knew who it was. I'm not stupid. ...I'm not that stupid. Anyway, everyone else was still gone. I stood, frozen. My fists clenched at my sides. My eyes squeezed shut to keep from leaking. My head bent down from shame. My back facing him. I would not. I could not.
" Du--" He starts.
" Don't. Just don't even. " I cut him off. I don't want to hear it. I don't ever want to hear it. It's not true, it WAS my fault, and it is the blood on MY hands.
" It was--" He starts again. Oh, no. I won't let him.
" Look, " I yelled, whipping around. I think my braid hit something behind me. " I don't want to hear about it isn't my fault. It isn't my fault! It WAS your fault, but YOU don't have the blood on YOUR hands, do you? No, you just have it on your head. Feeling guilty.
" Oh, wait, no, you don't FEEL that, do you? " I was on a roll. " You don't have the pleasure of feeling what it feels like to know that you--YOU-- single handedly have murdered parents, and kids, and have destroyed families, and friends, and people that other people love! "
" Duo! " His voice was raised a little more. Befuddling. Had he also moved closer? I couldn't tell. I wasn't going to let him win this one, though.
" NO! Even if you do feel even the FAINTEST inkling of what I feel, you have NO idea what it's like! We'll just add the blood of YOUR mistake with the blood that I shed of MY family. We'll just put it aside, and pretend it didn't happen! Is that what you want me to do? " I thought I had probably said too much by then, but I didn't care too much. I was starting to feel a lot better.
In fact, I was feeling too much better. Somewhere, subconsciously, I knew that I should have calmed down a bit. Screaming at the guy who can bend freaking-metal-bars isn't usually good for one's health.
" Duo, " He growled out. He was mad, I could tell, but something else. Annoyed? Perhaps. Most likely.
" Oh, right! I forgot. Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about that, am I? I should just ignore every fucking person that I've ever murdered. I'm supposed to be emotionless, like you, aren't I? "
Either he stepped closer, or I stepped closer, or both. I couldn't tell. I was practically in his face now. I didn't care, though, for once. I was so mad at him. It was HIS miscalculation that had cost the lives of others. It was HIS fault that he had to have this shame on his head.
" Urasa—" He started, but the anger and hate had already conquered over me.
Tears burned maliciously at my eyes. " IT'S YOUR FAULT! " I screamed it so loud, I swear I heard it echoing. My throat hurt, but it felt good, in a savage way. The bitterness and pain that was emitted from my death- provoking bellow intertwined with the anger, and rage that I had had building in me for some time. The velocity of the scream finally caused my tears to escape, flooding down my cheeks, much to my displeasure.
But I wasn't going to let that stop me. I was finally starting to feel free, if only from this one burden. I actually think I hit my fist against his chest, to emphasize my point. " IT'S YOUR FAULT! Your mess-up caused ME to kill innocents! You're the one to blame, but I'M the one who has to carry the shit load!
" You stupid ass! How could you do that to them?! How could you do that to those kids? Those parents? How could you do that to ME? " I think my voice finally cracked at the last one.
His hand wrapped strongly against my wrist that was hitting his chest, making it immobile, as I tried vainly to jerk my hand away. He wouldn't have any of it. He moved my hand away from both of us. To the side, never letting go of my wrist. Ah, well, maybe it wasn't THAT stupid, because if he had, I wouldn't have just gone right back hitting the bastard.
But the feeling of captivity finally made me break, I think, and I tried to choke back a phlegm-filled sob. It sounded gross, too. Like I was drowning. Instinctively I took a step back, trying to… Hide my shame, I suppose. With my free hand, I rubbed furiously at my eyes with the heel of my palm, my eyelashes clumping together, and rubbing up against the tender skin underneath my eyes like sandpaper on glass.
I kept this up for a few seconds, before I felt Heero tugging my wrist towards him, pulling me closer to him, until we were only about an inch apart, my head still tilted down, tears still unwillingly flooding down my pink cheeks like damn rivers, despite the fact that my eyes were closed. They were so hot against the cool air in the room.
I felt two warm hands cover the sides of my head, before they tilted my face upwards, so I was looking at Heero through cracked eyes. He still looked kind of pissed off, but then… he always did. His stare at me was so serious, so hard, and so warm, there's not a chance in hell I could have looked away right then, even if my life had depended on it.
" Listen, Duo. What happened today was my fault. I should have done the calculations correctly. I'm sorry I put you through it, and I'm sorry, " He paused, tilting my head back up, after I had started to look down, half angry again. " I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting those people die at your hands, and I'm sorry for letting you down. "
I couldn't stand the gaze anymore, it was way too intense for me to handle. So I closed my eyes, resting my head onto the soft denim of his shoulder, his body heat radiating, and heating my cheeks up even more than the tears had.
In a final bout of anger, I hit my fist against the opposite shoulder of his from me, and I swear to God, I felt him almost rock back. My hand sagged against him, uncurling. The anger that had kept me standing was slowly seeping out of my body, down my legs, and through the floor, until I was nothing but a tired person. I could feel blood pumping painfully through my lax hand, which was swinging around doing nothing, while my other hand was at least in a position close to my head so circulation could run through it. So I moved the lax hand, and snagged my first two forefingers on his belt loop of his jeans, as I was too weak, I thought, to move elsewhere.
One of his hands slid up into my bangs, the other wrapped around my back, in a comforting embrace, as I let the last of my tears stain his jacket.
I knew this wasn't the end. I knew it was far from it. But at that moment, I just wanted to stop, and just stay there forever. In that state of mind. In that state of… peace.
Warnings: Anger! And.. I think swearing! ( I don't remember. ) Also, toward the end could either be taken as friendship, or shounen-ai. –shrug.- Friends are good to have around, no da.
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, so please don't sue…
I stormed into the small room I shared with my partner in the safe house, an awful feeling boiling up from the bottom of my stomach, and sliding it's way up my throat, until I couldn't take it anymore. Until I didn't want to take it anymore.
After slamming the door quite viciously, I picked up whatever was closest to me--which turned out to be a glass of water--and threw it as hard I as could. It slammed mercilessly into the wall, shattering glass showering around the impact, a few shards embedding themselves into the wall, the others raining down along with the water. A splatter upon the white wall showed where the small bomb had impacted.
Things had gone horribly wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. After the idiot who apparently DOESN'T know it all gave me wrong calculations ( Why did I have to fucking TRUST him so much?! ), I had accidentally blown up an apartment complex. Boom. Fire went everywhere. Things wouldn't quit exploding.
I swear to God, I heard screams. I can still hear them. They're going on and on. My fault. It was HIS miscalculation, but he wasn't the one who swung the thermal scythe. He may have been the one to blame, but the blood isn't on HIS hands. It's on mine. The screams were mine. Mine to have to deal with.
I know I'm probably being irrational about it; I mean, I've already killed so many, but this.. I don't know. I TRUSTED him, and he screwed me over. It hurts. Bad.
I felt burning behind my eyes, as well as the growing lump in my throat. No. No no no. Boys don't cry. I don't cry. Crying doesn't help anything. Tears of a soldier won't bring back anyone who died. Crying won't fix what I destroyed.
I heard the door open and close quietly. I knew who it was. I'm not stupid. ...I'm not that stupid. Anyway, everyone else was still gone. I stood, frozen. My fists clenched at my sides. My eyes squeezed shut to keep from leaking. My head bent down from shame. My back facing him. I would not. I could not.
" Du--" He starts.
" Don't. Just don't even. " I cut him off. I don't want to hear it. I don't ever want to hear it. It's not true, it WAS my fault, and it is the blood on MY hands.
" It was--" He starts again. Oh, no. I won't let him.
" Look, " I yelled, whipping around. I think my braid hit something behind me. " I don't want to hear about it isn't my fault. It isn't my fault! It WAS your fault, but YOU don't have the blood on YOUR hands, do you? No, you just have it on your head. Feeling guilty.
" Oh, wait, no, you don't FEEL that, do you? " I was on a roll. " You don't have the pleasure of feeling what it feels like to know that you--YOU-- single handedly have murdered parents, and kids, and have destroyed families, and friends, and people that other people love! "
" Duo! " His voice was raised a little more. Befuddling. Had he also moved closer? I couldn't tell. I wasn't going to let him win this one, though.
" NO! Even if you do feel even the FAINTEST inkling of what I feel, you have NO idea what it's like! We'll just add the blood of YOUR mistake with the blood that I shed of MY family. We'll just put it aside, and pretend it didn't happen! Is that what you want me to do? " I thought I had probably said too much by then, but I didn't care too much. I was starting to feel a lot better.
In fact, I was feeling too much better. Somewhere, subconsciously, I knew that I should have calmed down a bit. Screaming at the guy who can bend freaking-metal-bars isn't usually good for one's health.
" Duo, " He growled out. He was mad, I could tell, but something else. Annoyed? Perhaps. Most likely.
" Oh, right! I forgot. Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about that, am I? I should just ignore every fucking person that I've ever murdered. I'm supposed to be emotionless, like you, aren't I? "
Either he stepped closer, or I stepped closer, or both. I couldn't tell. I was practically in his face now. I didn't care, though, for once. I was so mad at him. It was HIS miscalculation that had cost the lives of others. It was HIS fault that he had to have this shame on his head.
" Urasa—" He started, but the anger and hate had already conquered over me.
Tears burned maliciously at my eyes. " IT'S YOUR FAULT! " I screamed it so loud, I swear I heard it echoing. My throat hurt, but it felt good, in a savage way. The bitterness and pain that was emitted from my death- provoking bellow intertwined with the anger, and rage that I had had building in me for some time. The velocity of the scream finally caused my tears to escape, flooding down my cheeks, much to my displeasure.
But I wasn't going to let that stop me. I was finally starting to feel free, if only from this one burden. I actually think I hit my fist against his chest, to emphasize my point. " IT'S YOUR FAULT! Your mess-up caused ME to kill innocents! You're the one to blame, but I'M the one who has to carry the shit load!
" You stupid ass! How could you do that to them?! How could you do that to those kids? Those parents? How could you do that to ME? " I think my voice finally cracked at the last one.
His hand wrapped strongly against my wrist that was hitting his chest, making it immobile, as I tried vainly to jerk my hand away. He wouldn't have any of it. He moved my hand away from both of us. To the side, never letting go of my wrist. Ah, well, maybe it wasn't THAT stupid, because if he had, I wouldn't have just gone right back hitting the bastard.
But the feeling of captivity finally made me break, I think, and I tried to choke back a phlegm-filled sob. It sounded gross, too. Like I was drowning. Instinctively I took a step back, trying to… Hide my shame, I suppose. With my free hand, I rubbed furiously at my eyes with the heel of my palm, my eyelashes clumping together, and rubbing up against the tender skin underneath my eyes like sandpaper on glass.
I kept this up for a few seconds, before I felt Heero tugging my wrist towards him, pulling me closer to him, until we were only about an inch apart, my head still tilted down, tears still unwillingly flooding down my pink cheeks like damn rivers, despite the fact that my eyes were closed. They were so hot against the cool air in the room.
I felt two warm hands cover the sides of my head, before they tilted my face upwards, so I was looking at Heero through cracked eyes. He still looked kind of pissed off, but then… he always did. His stare at me was so serious, so hard, and so warm, there's not a chance in hell I could have looked away right then, even if my life had depended on it.
" Listen, Duo. What happened today was my fault. I should have done the calculations correctly. I'm sorry I put you through it, and I'm sorry, " He paused, tilting my head back up, after I had started to look down, half angry again. " I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting those people die at your hands, and I'm sorry for letting you down. "
I couldn't stand the gaze anymore, it was way too intense for me to handle. So I closed my eyes, resting my head onto the soft denim of his shoulder, his body heat radiating, and heating my cheeks up even more than the tears had.
In a final bout of anger, I hit my fist against the opposite shoulder of his from me, and I swear to God, I felt him almost rock back. My hand sagged against him, uncurling. The anger that had kept me standing was slowly seeping out of my body, down my legs, and through the floor, until I was nothing but a tired person. I could feel blood pumping painfully through my lax hand, which was swinging around doing nothing, while my other hand was at least in a position close to my head so circulation could run through it. So I moved the lax hand, and snagged my first two forefingers on his belt loop of his jeans, as I was too weak, I thought, to move elsewhere.
One of his hands slid up into my bangs, the other wrapped around my back, in a comforting embrace, as I let the last of my tears stain his jacket.
I knew this wasn't the end. I knew it was far from it. But at that moment, I just wanted to stop, and just stay there forever. In that state of mind. In that state of… peace.