A/N: Hello there! This one-shot has violated my mind for a couple days now, and I decided to be amazing and share it with you all XD
Warnings: This is one of Roy's worst nightmares… craziness, randomness, probable OOCness, twist ending, other cracky things like that…
Disclaimer: I don't own even a slice of apple pie D:
Brigadier General Roy Mustang was calmly sitting in his very large, very comfortable office chair, pensively staring off into space. Of course, there was paperwork to be done, but why rush? It wasn't due for another two hours anyway.
As luck would have it, Roy wouldn't be bored for too long; there was a sharp knock on the door.
The Brigadier General sighed. "Come in, Lieutenant."
First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye let herself in, papers in hand. "Sir-"
"Please, call me Brigadier General," he smirked, "it has a much better ring to it."
The lieutenant did not show the annoyance she felt towards Mustang-the Brigadier General-but complied. "Brigadier General," she repeated with emphasis, "I have some paperwork for you."
"Thanks, I guess-" Mustang casually replied before being cut off.
"And make sure you read it, there's an important notice for you about your rank," Hawkeye told him, leaving no room for argument. "I'll be back in five minutes," she added, walking out of the office.
The Brigadier General frowned, perplexed by his lieutenant's behavior. "Important notice about my rank?" I bet it's a promotion!
Feeling excited about his revelation, he quickly skimmed the page; however, what he read made him drop the papers in horror.
"What? Demoted? HOW CAN THIS BE?" Roy cried dramatically. "I can't go back to being a lowly Colonel again…" he hid his horrified face in his hands.
The lieutenant knocked and let herself in, not bothering to wait for his invitation. "Sir-"
"Why? Why did this happen to me? I was doing so well!" Mustang whined, childishly doodling on his rank notice.
Riza sighed. "I don't know, sir. Have you been slacking off?"
"… That's beside the point! The point is, I should be heading to the top! And my miniskirt dream shall become true!" Roy put the finishing touches on his skimpy miniskirt doodle, which made him feel a little better. They're just jealous that I thought of the miniskirts idea first!
"Sir, I hate to interrupt your pity party, but there's another notice for you."
"What? Are they taking back the demotion by chance?" Roy asked her, eyes filling back up with hope. And a desperate hope it was.
"I suppose you'll find out, now won't you?" Riza asked monotonously. "I'll be back in a few minutes, sir," she saluted before leaving.
He hastily read the notice, his hope deflating with each and every word. "Demoted… to Lieutenant Colonel…?" Now I'm even more lowly than a Colonel is! WHY?
This time, Riza didn't even bother to knock; she merely slipped inside. However, the Lieutenant Colonel was too busy to notice her presence.
"… Shall persevere… my harem… miniskirts… Riza…"
She furrowed her eyebrows together. Why was her name mentioned in that nonsensical rambling? Perhaps some things are better left unanswered… "Sir?"
Mustang snapped to attention, then noticed who his audience was. "Oh, it's just you."
"Excuse me?"
Roy swore he heard the cocking of a gun. He gulped. "I mean, it's you! How wonderful it is to see you again! What news do you have for me this time? A triple promotion?"
Riza smiled imperceptibly. "You'll have to read it-"
"To find out, right? Yeah, yeah, I'll look," he muttered grumpily. "Doesn't mean I'll like it…"
The lieutenant let herself out, with her ever-decreasing pile of papers.
He halfheartedly looked at the notice. "Demoted to Major? But, that's Fullmetal's rank! This is absurd," he muttered loudly, "I definitely deserve a higher rank than he does! I mean, I'm taller than he is, and much better looking!" He stared at his reflection in his handheld mirror, admiring the face for the true beauty it was, and IS.
After five minutes of checking his own face out, the lieutenant re-entered the office and slapped the next notice on top of the previous one. Feeling no desire whatsoever to talk, she swiftly exited the room once more.
It took a good ten minutes for him to realize there was a new notice, but when he did, he acquired the saddest face ever worn by Roy Mustang.
"Captain… I'm a low, low, lowly Captain now…" he whimpered softly to himself. Can this get any worse?
A few seconds later, the doors burst open without warning or caution. Fullmetal is here now… it just got worse.
"Well, well, bastard, I hear you keep getting demoted, what's up with that?" Edward asked, cruelly mocking his superior. "What rank are you at now? Are you a Major Bastard now?"
Mustang put his head on the desk, and mumbled his answer dejectedly.
Ed smirked, and leaned closer to Roy's head. "I'm sorry, but I didn't quite catch that. Could you repeat that?"
Roy released a shaky breath, and tried again. "No… I've been demoted once more after that… I don't even know why or how it happened!"
"Captain eh? Just think of how far away you are from your miniskirt dream now!" Ed cackled evilly, much to Mustang's dismay.
Out of frustration, Roy banged his head on the desk, and shut his eyes for a few moments. When he opened them again, he quickly checked to make sure Fullmetal was still there.
He wasn't.
In fact, it didn't even look like the Fullmetal shorty tornado blew on through here recently at all. Odd…
He glanced down at his desk, and then glanced at the door. Wait a second… He snapped his gaze back to his desk. Where did all those notices go? Was it all just a dream?
All of a sudden, there was a sharp knock at the door, interrupting his thoughts. His eyes narrowed; that sounded all too familiar.
Roy cleared his throat. "Come in, Lieutenant."
First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye briskly entered the room, papers in hand. "Sir-"
"Please, call me Brigadier General," he requested, "it has a much better ring to it."
Her face remained impassive. "Brigadier General," she emphasized, "I have some paperwork for you."
Mustang's head snapped to attention, eyes wide as saucers. This is just like that dream, that nightmare! I have to get out of here!
Roy abruptly stood from his extremely comfortable and inviting chair, and made a run for it.
"Sir! Where are you going?" Hawkeye questioned him, thoroughly confused.
Mustang called over his shoulder with wide terrorized eyes. "I need to get out of here!"
As he ran away, she sighed. "But sir… the Fuhrer wrote that notice to you directly… saying that he approved of your miniskirt campaign… You can finally have that harem you always dreamed of!"
Of course, as luck would have it, Roy would not know of this miniskirt harem until several days later; once he learned about it, the women in miniskirts became bored with waiting for Mustang to come back, so they left him…
… For Fullmetal himself.
A/N: Yeah, I totally don't know why I wrote this XD But, hey, hopefully somebody gets a kick out of it :P
Could anyone guess Roy was dreaming? :3
Let me know what you think! :D
Peace and love!
chocolatexloverx16