Title: To Send or not to Send

By: Amanda

Feedback: greenfreakgirl@tomgreen.com

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Unusual Suspects and Three of a Kind

Summary: A sort rant by Suzanne M. Topic: who else, Byers.

Date Finished: July 21, 2001

Attached Email Message

'Love S'

Now, do I send it or not? Maybe I should wait until he can reply….. But maybe it's the reply he'll send that I'm worried about. What is he tells me to go away and leave him the hell alone? No, John wouldn't do that. Not that I don't deserve it. Ten years I had him waiting and the next time I see him I have my fiancée in toe. But it's not like I ASKED him to wait or anything, but I fell into his arms, needing him desperately again. I really shouldn't have given him that ring. I don't want him waiting another ten years. Than WHY did I give him the ring? Maybe I like the idea of having someone like John pining away for me. His sweet, gentle heart wanting and waiting for me. This is SO UNFAIR of me. To expect him to have his love life on hold for me. Why do I do this? To him? To me? Oh god Suzanne! You can't feel sorry for yourself here! John's the one who has been hurting. You saw it in his face in Vegas. You put that there! Wait, maybe he's not now. Maybe those other two have convinced him how rotten I am for him and he's got himself a family ---Like he deserves. Like I can't give him. This is such a mess. Happy ending ---Ha! Never believed in them. Can't really afford to. And love conquering all---Old wives tale! Is that what this is? Love? Can I really love John, truly love John and still string him along like this? Years of zero contact and I'm still expecting him to be waiting by the phone for me. I'm so selfish! To have asked him to come with me….. "Yeah John, forget your life. Start over with me." Real nice. But the thing is, he probably would! God I don't deserve to have someone like John waiting. I don't deserve to have anyone waiting. Maybe I should just forget him. That'd be better for the both of us. We're still alone either way, but. Oh there is no but! I can never forget John. Not even when I was with Grant. John will always be there. But will I always be there to John? Why do I worry like this? I have no hold on him, no claim. I wonder if he ever goes through this. Wondering why I haven't contacted him. Wondering if I'm with someone again. Oh god! What if that's what he's thinking now, that I'm involved with another man? OH John! I'm not! But what if he's involved with another woman? That would kill me. But he deserves to be happy. So much more than I do. I can't ruin anything he could have happening.

Again the moment of truth SEND or DELETE . Same fate as all the rest, *sigh* I will send one, one day John. I'll let you know how I still think the world of you.

DELETE *click*