Chapter 1: I Want You
January 14, 1974
Jude pushes the door open, a smile across his face as he walks towards me. I laugh, not even knowing why. This is what he does to me; he makes me crazy, it's as simple as that. I've only know him for a few months now, but ever since he spoke those first words to me, with his unusual Liverpool accent, I just can't stop. I can't stop laughing, I can't stop smiling, I can't stop WRITING! That's an advantage to our relationship; he inspires me and I write like a psychotic.
But Jude has never thought of me romantically. I can see in his eyes, there is somebody else; somebody that he loves. He's only mentioned her briefly. I can't even remember her name. He seems distraught every time we get close to the subject of romance.
I'd get him to read my novel, but it pains him to read stories of love. I don't know why. Perhaps the girl he thinks about every second doesn't love him back. What a fool that girl must be. Jude is everything anybody could wish for. His sleek dark brown hair, framing his face with light curls at the ends and clean cut face accompanied by that awkwardly adorable smile is impossible to resist.
We met at a ballet. Yes, I was—well, I still am--a dancer. It was nearly a year ago, during Fall. It was one of our last rehearsals before the show, and he had come in to ask the director a few questions. At the moment, I hadn't any idea why he would be at the theater, but what happened was that Jude was drawing the ballet poster. As he showed his clever art to the director, his eyes had widened. It was beautiful, except there was a blank spot in the middle.
I found out later that a dancer was supposed to be drawn in the place. I, being one of the main characters, was assigned to pose, since I was close-to-perfect with the dance. I have to admit, I was intimidated by him. He seemed so intelligent, and nonchalant. But underneath all that, when he let down his guard, he was one of the most amiable men I had ever met. He drew with precision and concentration.
His eyes were beautiful when he was focused on his art. I don't know how to describe it, but they just were. He doesn't know that I actually thought him to be attractive, but I did. I don't even think he knows it now, and I don't think he ever will. I frown as I think about this.
"You alright?" He asks in the accent that I've grown to love. He bends down to my level and tries to catch my eye and I am soon waved back into reality. A smile sweeps my face again, but this time it serves as a mask, to hide my emotions.
"Yeah. I'm fine." I respond.
"Well, I brought the newspaper after I found this wonderful review about last weeks performance. Winter got a four-star rating." Jude exclaims. Now my smile becomes real. I had looked forward to this for months. Winter was one of the hardest musicals/ballet I had ever participated in. I had a venerable voice, nothing fantastic, but acceptable nonetheless. I had anticipated three stars at the most, but four! That was incredible. I flipped through the pages hurriedly, but before I found it he took the paper and began reading it himself.
" 'The young Miss Farlo gave an outstanding performance, standing out amongst the eyes of the onlookers. There was never a predictable moment with her acting, voice, or dancing skills. At her presence, our eyes grew wide with observation and curiosity. She made smooth, marvelous movements, and her voice was clearly heard and intelligible. Farlo was an excellent addition to the Winter cast.'" Jude looks up from the paper in order to read my reaction. I am completely ecstatic. "Congratulations!" he yells.
"Thank you." Before I know it, tears stream down my face. I think they are joyful tears. But I don't quite know. I start to think about it and realize that I'm not crying because I did great in Winter, but because I can never fully have Jude. He will never notice me the way I want him to. He looks uncomfortable and concerned as he moves over to hold me.
"Hey, don't cry." He whispers. "You were amazing," he adds. I wish he really meant those words. I wish he really thought I was amazing, and wonderful, and outstandingly beautiful. "Come on, Anna." Jude says.
I nod into his shirt, breathing in his calming scent. Now I laugh in order to hide myself again. "Thanks, Jude."
"No problem."
January 16, 1974
Jude invited me to a concert this morning. He had front row seats to Sadie's concert. I had liked Sadie's music but now that it involved Jude, I liked it even more. He had told me a while ago, he had drawn the logo for Sadie's record company and I had obviously congratulated him, but there was a hint of sadness in his words. I didn't ask him why.
I can't help but to think that maybe he asked me so late because someone backed out and I was his last resort. Why else would he ask me this late? Jude is just a friend, and I have to understand that. He has somebody else. Why do I have to feel like this? It's not fair!
My phone rings as I pull a shirt over my head. I take my time walking to the phone, knowing that it can't be too important. "Hello?"
"Anna? It's Mark." My face is very dark and cold now. I do not need a call from Mark of all people this morning. "Are you still there?" He asks, but he knows I'm listening so I don't respond. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come out with me tonight."
"I can't. I have plans with somebody else." It felt so good to say those words to him. The nerve he must have to call me and invite me out. Ridiculous! "Sorry, Mark. Maybe another time." As if. There will never be another time as far as I'm concerned.
"But Anna-" I hung up smiling to myself deviously. I don't understand what Mark wants from me. He caused me so much pain, and he knows it, yet he still tries to persuade me into dating him again. Honestly, what is wrong with him? I'm so disturbed by him that I refuse to think about it any longer and turn the radio on. The Beatles music invades my room. Their music is complete and total relaxation and an occasional invoking of rebellious thoughts.
I lay in my bed just thinking. I have too much pride to tell who about, but I'm sure anybody could guess. I am so desperate, I hate it! I just want to yell at him, 'Look at me! I care about you. I love you!' But of course, that would just scare him off and that's the last thing I want to do. Why can't he just see me? I mean really see me. I shove a pillow on my face and groan.
Later that evening…
It is colder than usual outside and I hug my coat to my body. Jude puts a comforting and warm arm around me and I wish I could stay here forever. In this very moment. But then again, at this moment he is oblivious to my feelings. Maybe some other time then.
I am excited to go to the concert especially since Jude is coming with me. This isn't the first time we've done something together. After all, he is one of my best friends, we do almost everything together.
After he drew me for the poster we began to talk and discovered how alike we are. But we do have our disagreements, but I like our disagreements because that's what keeps our relationship interesting. So that night, after finishing the drawing, he asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee and we did. We stayed up almost all night just talking. These are the moments that I love. I'm just with him, talking, and no physical contact needs to be made for me to want him the way I do.
"This is going to be fun." He says to me. He is so unaware of his surroundings. I hadn't noticed it before, but he was absentmindedly twisting a piece of my chocolate brown hair in his finger. I didn't mind it at all.
"I know." I reply, still lost in thought.
The concert hall is crowded with people. Everybody collides with everybody. There is hardly any space to move. I feel that if I breathe I'll hurt someone. Jude holds my hand as we push through the crowd towards our seats. Again, he only does this to make sure that I don't get lost, but the touch of his hand is overwhelming.
"This way," he manages to yell back at me. I follow and right as we get to the front row the music starts and the crowd is boisterous as ever.
Sadie hasn't even begun to sing yet the audience is wild with enthusiasm. For some reason I notice her shoot a pleading look to Jude, as if begging for forgiveness and with great concern. I am good at reading emotions. It's one of my abilities and right now I have a feeling that something is going to happen that is going to dissatisfy Jude.
The first song begins and Jude simply claps his hand. What is Sadie trying to tell him? The only person in the audience that her eyes fall upon is him, but he doesn't notice for some reason. I stare back at the interaction, wondering.
"She's great, isn't she?" He says in my ear. I nod with a smile, my fake smile. "Anna, is something wrong?" Oh no, he has learned to read my fake smile. I need to get a new one now. "Anna?"
"No. Just fine," I say trying to put on the best grin I can, but he knows that I don't mean it.
Before I can say anything else reassuring he moves behind me and holds my hands. He pulls them up over my hand and moves them in a swaying motion just like the rest of the crowd is. His hands are so graceful and delicate upon mine. I sigh in relief, I don't even know why. I am usually confused in Jude's presence. But that's how I like it. I want his genuine love, and affection so bad. His hands stay intertwined with mine in the air and I soon forget Sadie's warning expression. I can't see him, but I know he smiles as he sings along.
Author's Note:
Thanks for reading. PLEASE review!! Tell me what you think. Keep reading to find out what Sadie wants to tell Jude and what's happening with Jude and Anna. Oh and where's Lucy? You'll just have to keep reading. ) REVIEW!