Dreams of a "Secretary"
Lee Holloway found herself in a strange place that she had never seen before. It was a balcony overlooking a city in a high-rise building. There were two white upholstered chairs on the balcony. She saw a man sitting on one of the chairs. She walked over to where he was sitting. "Excuse me..." she said. She looked at him, startled. "Edward?" she said. He looked at her.
"No, I'm sorry. You must have me confused with someone else." he said.
"Oh, come on, Edward. Who would I have you confused with?" Lee said.
"I don't know, but my name isn't Edward." he said.
"Oh, I get it." Lee said, thinking that it was one of their "games". "So, tell me, if your name isn't Edward, what is it, then?" Lee said, sitting down in one of the white chairs.
"Alan. Alan Shore." he said.
"Alan Shore? Where did you come up with that name?" Lee said.
"I didn't. It was given to me at birth." he said
"Really? You know, you've never done this before." Lee said.
"Done what before? I've never seen you before." he said.
"Pretended to be someone else. I'm not sure that I like it. Can't you just be yourself?" Lee said.
"That's what I'm doing." he said.
"No, you're not. You're pretending to be someone called-what was that name again?" Lee said.
"I'm not pretending to be anyone. You must have me confused with someone else. I'm telling you, I've never seen you before in my life." he said.
"All right. Cut it out, Edward." Lee said.
"Cut what out? And stop calling me Edward." he said.
"But it's you're name. What are you trying to pull?" Lee said.
"I'm not trying to pull anything. I don't even know who you are. A better question would be, what are you trying to pull?" he said.
Lee began to cry. "You know, this time you're going too far, Edward. Don't you know when to stop? You're going too far." she said.
"Look, I'm not whoever it is you think I am. I'll prove it to you." He took out his wallet and showed her a driver's license. She looked at it.
"I don't understand. Why does it say 'Alan Shore'?" she said.
"Because that's my name." he said.
"Why does it say 'Boston, Massachusetts'?" Lee said.
"That's where we are." he said.
"But I thought-I don't understand. You look just like-what's going on here?" Lee said.
"I'm not sure. Do you need any help?"
"No. No, I don't think so. Then- you're really not Edward?" Lee said.
"Not that I know of."
"Why are we in Boston, Massachusetts?" Lee asked.
"Because-that's where we are. Or were you asking in a more philosophical sense, such as, 'why are we here' or 'what's the meaning of life?" Alan said.
"My. What a wit you are." Lee said.
"So I've been told. You never told me your name, by the way. Or what you're doing here." Alan said.
"My name is Lee Holloway. And I don't know exactly how I got here. Maybe this is a dream." Lee said.
"Alan Shore, once again. Nice to meet you."
"So. What is it you do, Alan? Wait, don't tell me. You're a lawyer, right?" Lee said.
"I am. How did you guess?"
Lee laughed nervously. "I don't know. It just seems like you would be. Edward is a lawyer." she said.
"Who is Edward, exactly?" Alan said.
"He's my husband." Lee said.
"And you think that he looks like me?" Alan said.
"Exactly like you. It's uncanny." Lee said.
"It's a strange world." Alan said.
"What exactly is this place, anyway?" Lee said.
"This place? This place is the firm of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. I work here."
"Crane, Poole, and Schmidt? I've never heard of it." Lee said.
"You don't work here, then? Are you a lawyer, or-?"
"Me?" She laughed. "Oh, no. I'm not a lawyer. I was a secretary. I was Edward's secretary." Lee said.
"Really? What made you quit?" Alan said.
"Well-we got married, of course. It's a very romantic story. I had a-a vigil." Lee said.
"A vigil?"
"Yes. You see, he wouldn't marry me. So he told me to sit at his desk, with my palms down flat on the desk, until he came back. He didn't think that I'd do it for very long, you see. He thought I'd give up. But I didn't." Lee said.
"What do you mean?" Alan said.
"I stayed that way. For a week. Until he came back." Lee said.
"He didn't come back for a week?" Alan said.
Lee shook her head. "No. But when he did, he took me home with him, and-washed my hair, and-well, it was wonderful. It was the most beautiful experience of my life." Lee wondered if maybe she was sharing too much with this stranger, suddenly.
"He made you stay there, in the same position for a week? What kind of sadistic monster-
Lee could feel herself getting very angry. "He is not a monster! Who says that love should always be soft and gentle? And he didn't 'make' me do anything. I chose to. I could have gotten up anytime I wanted to, but I didn't. I wanted to prove my love for him." she said. "I shouldn't have expected you to understand. Few people do."
"I understand. Somewhat." Alan said.
"You do?" Lee said.
"I understand that love can make you go to extreme lengths." Alan said.
"Yes. It can. Do you have anyone?" Lee said.
"No. Not really." Alan said.
"Why not?" Lee said.
"Well, I've never been good with relationships. One of my ex-girlfriends tried to run me over with a car." Alan said.
"Really? Hmm. What happened?" Lee said.
"She was sent to an institution. She hired me to get her out." Alan said.
"Why would you be her lawyer after she tried to kill you?" Lee said.
"Well, she had changed. She was a different person."
"Oh. Well, it sounds like you cared about her. Maybe you're not so bad with relationships after all." Lee said.
There was a silence. "Are you a good lawyer?" Lee asked.
"Well, I like to think so. You can't argue with my winning record. Your husband, Edward. Is he a good lawyer?" Alan said.
Lee smiled. "Yes." she said. "I don't think he's nearly as highly paid as you probably are, though. Look at this building."
"Well. It has to be a large building to house all the large egos. Particularly mine and Denny Crane's." Alan said.
"Denny Crane?" Lee said.
"Yes. One of the founding partners. As in Crane, Poole, and Schmidt." Alan said.
"Oh, right. Crane, Poole, and Schmidt." Lee said.
"Yes. Denny is fond of cigars, women, and…saying his own name." Alan said.
Lee laughed. "That sounds like someone with a big ego, all right." she said.
"Exactly. Denny Crane." Alan said.
"Denny Crane." Lee said.
"Denny Crane." Alan said.
"Alan Shore." Lee said.
"Right. That's my name." Alan said.
"Alan Shore." Lee said.
"You know, you're a very beautiful woman." Alan said.
"Do you think so?" Lee said.
"Yes." He put his hand on hers.
Lee looked at him. "What are you doing?" she said.
"Do you mind?" Alan said.
"I-I don't know." Lee said.
He leaned toward her. "Just pretend for a second that- He kissed her on the mouth. Lee found herself returning the kiss. What am I doing? she thought. Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind them. She gasped and broke away. She turned around to see an older man with a cigar in his hands walking towards them.
"What's going on out here?" the older man asked.
"Uh...Denny Crane, Lee Holloway. Lee Holloway, Denny Crane." Alan said.
Lee felt horribly ashamed at what she had done. She felt about to cry. "Excuse me." she said. She walked past him, and into the building, from the balcony. She had to leave this crazy place.
"Who was she?" Denny asked.
"I don't know, actually." Alan said.
"You don't know who she is, and you were kissing her on the mouth?" Denny said.
"Well…"
Denny chuckled. "Slick." he said.
Lee was half-aware that she might be dreaming, but even so. What would Edward say if he knew she had been attracted to another man, even one who looked just like him? She found an elevator, and pressed the "down" button. The elevator doors opened, and she got in. She started to press the "lobby" button when the doors to the elevator opened and Alan stepped in. "Lee." he said.
"Oh, no. Not you again." Lee said.
"Listen, Lee. This isn't easy for me to say, but…I'm very sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did." Alan said.
Lee sighed. "That's okay." she said finally. "Maybe…maybe I wanted you to. Maybe I felt attracted to you." Lee said.
"Because I look like your husband." Alan said.
"Maybe. But you're not like him, really at all. You're witty, and-and charming, and well, not that Edward isn't, but well, he isn't, actually, he's so…dour, and I just thought that, well…" Suddenly, she felt terrible, saying those things. "What I just said, I didn't mean to say. I mean, you may be different than Edward, but I love him. I don't love you." She looked down. "No offense." she added.
"None taken. Of course you don't. You hardly know me at all." Alan said.
"And-Edward would not like me being attracted to anyone else, not even someone who looks just like him. I don't think he'd understand at all, do you?" Lee said.
"No. It's human nature, to be jealous." Alan said.
"You must know a lot about human nature, being a lawyer." Lee said.
"I suppose so. Shirley once said to me that I could see the darker side of human nature more than others." Alan said.
"Who's Shirley? Another girlfriend who wanted to kill you?" Lee said.
"No, not at all. Shirley Schmidt. She's one of the founding partners, as in-
"Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. Right. So, I've heard about Crane, the guy who likes to say his own name, and Schmidt, but what about Poole?" Lee said.
"Edwin Poole. He-well, he came to a meeting without pants one day. He had to go to an institution." Alan said.
"You're kidding." Lee said, laughing. "Any other notable co-workers?"
"Well, there's Brad Chase. He's a bit of a robot, one who can talk at warp speed." Alan said.
Lee laughed. "It sounds like you don't like him." she said.
"We have our-differences." Alan said.
"Who else is there?" Lee said.
"Well, there's Bethany. She's a dwarf. Then there's Denise, and Claire, and Clarence. Denise is, rather inexplicably, dating Brad Chase, and Claire is dating Clarence, I believe." Alan said.
"A couple named Claire and Clarence? Cute." Lee said. "I'll bet if your co-workers are as crazy as they all sound, your clients are even crazier."
"You know, you're right. You couldn't even begin to fathom the level of craziness we get around here from the clients. For example, one of my clients was a midget who whacked his mother over the head with a skillet. Then, when he got off the first time, he killed again, this time his neighbor, who'd overheard an argument between he and his mother, and said that it was an 'excited blooderance'. It was terribly sad, really. Such a confused man, yet so dangerous. He was very starved for attention." Alan said.
"Oh, really? He was a midget, you say?" Lee said.
"Yes. He was."
"You certainly do know a lot of midgets and dwarves." Lee said.
"Yes, now that you mention it, I suppose I do. Little people are a very large area of my life." Alan said. Lee laughed. The elevator stopped, and they were on the ground floor.
"Well." Lee said.
"Well. I wish you the best of luck, you and your husband, Edward." Alan said.
"I hope the best for you as well. You and all of your crazy co-workers. That man I saw who says his own name, tell him I said hello." Lee said.
"I'll just tell him you said 'Denny Crane'. I'm sure he'll be quite pleased." Alan said.
Lee laughed. "Tell him I said 'Denny Crane', then." she said. There was a pause. "Well. Goodbye, then." she said.
"Goodbye, Lee." Alan said. The elevator doors closed, leaving her standing there. She walked outside. She was walking down the street, trying to figure out what to do next, how to get home, when suddenly a dark-haired man in a leather jacket approached. "Excuse me, miss?" he said.
"Yes?" Lee said, unnerved. They were right next to a dark alley.
"You're a masochist, aren't you?" the dark-haired man asked.
"What?" Lee said.
"You like pain, don't you?" the dark-haired man said.
"Get away from me!" Lee said.
The dark-haired man cupped her face in his hands. "I just want to help you out. I know all about you. If you want to experience pain, I can give you that experience." he said.
"Leave me alone!" She looked around to see if there were any police around, but no one seemed to be there
"Do you like to be tied up, Lee? With flames burning all around? I can help you experience that." the dark-haired man said.
"Who are you? And how do you know my name?" Lee said, horrified.
"You can call me Griffin. And I've been watching you, Lee." Suddenly, he grabbed her by the waist.
"Help! Police!" Lee said. No one answered.
The dark-haired man dragged her into the alley. "Oh, don't kid me, Lee. You know you like this. It's what you live for. Pain, Lee." He took a piece of piano wire out of his jacket. "Don't worry, Lee. In a few minutes, all the pain will be gone. If that's what you really want." He kissed her on the mouth, and then grabbed her, securing the piano wire around her neck.
Lee woke up screaming. She opened her eyes, and looked around. She was in bed, and Edward was next to her. It had all been a dream. She gasped with relief.
"What's going on, Lee?" Edward asked.
"Oh, Edward. It was terrible. There was this man who looked just like you named Alan, and then when I left, this man, he-he tried to strangle me with piano wire, and then I woke up." Lee said.
"A man who looked like me tried to strangle you with piano wire?" Edward said.
"No, no, no, no, no. This man looked nothing like you. The other man who looked like you wouldn't have hurt me, because he was a representation of you, I think, in my mind, and you wouldn't hurt me. I mean, you wouldn't really hurt me. This was a different man who tried to kill me, and, well, I-" She sighed. "It was just a nightmare. I'd like to forget all about it."
They lay there, silently, in the dark.
"Edward?" Lee said.
"Yes?"
"Sometime, you know, just for…fun, you know, just for a little…game, sometime, well,…could I call you Alan?"
The End