Trapped Within
Pairing: Sirius Black & Lily Evans
Word Count: 961
Summary: And all the while, Lily doesn't understand- why not her?
Author's Notes: Written for the Weather Challenge at the HPFC. Obviously I chose Tornado and Sirius/Lily. I love this ship when it's at its angstiest best. Hope you like it, feedback is always appreciated! Oh, and I know I owe you an Alice/Bellatrix chapter for All I Can Give Is Love- it's coming!
Lily watches in silence as Sirius tornadoes through countless girls lives, shaking them to the core and destroying all there is of a relationship within a few weeks. Just like the real life tornadoes she has read about, he is reckless and impulsive and does not care who gets in his way. If he wants someone, he will have her. There is no questioning his incorrigible force and there is certainly no stopping it.
What Lily doesn't understand, though, is why out of all the girls he pursues, she is never one of them. She is sitting right under his nose, metaphorically- always well within reach. She sees Alice succomb in fifth year and a jealous Frank looking after her when Sirius dumps her; she sees a pretty Ravenclaw girl two years younger than Sirius positively crumble as he gives her one of his infamous excuses: "It's time we move on."
And all the while, Lily doesn't understand- why not her? What have they got that she doesn't? Why is he attracted to practically every other girl in the school (and definitely every girl in their year) and not her?
Sometimes she thinks that maybe she's just not his type- too bookish and quiet, but then he'll go out with someone exactly like that from Ravenclaw and she knows it can't be that. Maybe it's because she's good friends with Remus and Remus has told him not to, but somehow she thinks that can't be true either. After all, Sirius never sneaks any glances at her and she doubts he'd listen to Remus anyway if he really wanted her.
It continues to nag her until one day, in sixth year, she pulls him aside. "Whydon'youlikeme?" It comes out in a garbled mess.
He stares at her, his eyes dark and smoldering as usual. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that, Evans." He sighs, as if he simply cannot bear to be in her presence any longer.
She grits her teeth and exhales. "I'm sorry if I'm keeping you-"
"Then don't," he says simply.
She rolls her eyes angrily. "Just listen to me for a minute, will you? I just wanted to ask you something."
He stares at her as if she's stupid and gestures with one impatient hand for her to spit it out and then looks away exasperatedly.
She swallows. "I was just wondering why... if... well, really, I just wanted to know why- why you've never asked me out."
His eyes snap back to hers, intimidating her suddenly, wishing she'd never asked. "What?" His voice is low.
"Well... you know. You always date loads of girls but you've never bothered with me. I was just wondering- is there a particular reason?" Her voice is high and babyish and she wishes so much she'd just not bothered.
Sirius closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Please don't say this to me. Please drop this silly complex you have, Lily."
"Complex?" she frowns. "Lily? Since when do you call me that?"
Sirius sighs angrily. "Just shut up, will you?" He makes to leave, reaching for the handle of the door to the corridor outside the empty classroom they're stood in. She grabs his arm before he can and whirls him round.
"What is it, Sirius? What makes you hate me so much? I mean, god, I know that James likes annoying me for fun but you? You don't even know I'm alive, do you?"
"Don't you dare say that, Lily. Don't you dare."
"Then what do I say? Oh, sorry Sirius, I'll let you go back to ignoring me? Well, fine," she says angrily and now it's her turn to storm for the door. Before she can, however, she feels a strong hand on hers and she is spun round into Sirius, who kisses her. She doesn't breathe or even respond until he moves away.
"I'm sorry," he says instantly.
She raises her hand to touch her tingling lips, unable to take her eyes away from him. He ducks his head, seemingly ashamed.
When she doesn't say anything, he starts again. "The reason I've never tried it on with you is because you're too good for me. You're too good to be forced into a fling that will only last two weeks for me to dump you at the end of it. You're too gentle and kind and pure for that. I couldn't do it to you. With you, it would always be something more- but I couldn't be seen to fall in love so I'd have to move on like normal. And I know I couldn't do that to you. You deserve to be loved forever, and I can't do that. And besides," he says with a very forced and bittersweet smile as he wipes away a tear from her cheek, "James loved you first."
He kisses her once more on the forehead before he leaves her in the dark room, standing stock still as if superglued to the floor. There are no signs that a tornado has hit: there is no destruction and no weak sobbing, no wreckage and no obvious signs of heartbreak. Lily, the most graceful yet strong of trees, has always been able to withstand strong winds. Her roots are deep enough that she is trapped within the middle of the tornado instead of broken up by it.
Unfortunately this does not make it hurt any less, and still the tornado rages on.