Author: Dae Yuy
Archive: No where at he moment
Warnings: Introspective, POV, possible OOC, shounen-ai if you look at it that way
Rating: PG
Pairings: None
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, that should be a given by now.
Spoilers: Not really
Feedback: Now more then ever!
Author's Notes: I don't really have much to say for once. This popped into my head and took about forty-five minutes to write. It's my usual one-shot style, an introspective piece that is. The only shocking part of this story is that there isn't any shounen-ai! I even have shounen-ai implications in my SM fics!
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Believing is one thing, knowing is an entirely different matter. The only problem I faced was that I only believed and did not know. I could not understand it, comprehend why I seemed to matter so much to them, all of them. Even a former enemy. I sat in my room looking out of the Victorian style windows onto the grassy lawn below where they laughed and played, splashing in the pool. So happy, so carefree, finally being the children we never had a chance to be before, but I was alone. I did not give into their pleading and swaying, claiming work when really I had to sort out what was running circles in my mind.
They all claimed love, however I chalked it up to admiration, foolish admiration, hero worship if you will. I simply could not understand how I could be loved, let alone by a multitude of people. To most emotions, I am no stranger, but love often leaves me in the dark. The only feelings of being loved I had were lost a long time ago with my humanity. Tightening a fist I stared into the mirror at myself. A scrawny, wiry, short just barely seventeen year old. Scars decorating my form, fresh bruises marring flesh. Turning away I fought the urge to smash the mirror, knowing that would only make them come running and being around people was something I did not need at that moment.
To have so many people loving a husk was unfathomable, as well versed my mind was, I could not wrap my head around it, the thoughts running rampant, not stopping for an instant. Loved once I did, how I felt at that time is lost on me. It was adolescent infatuation, puppy love with no hope of being remedied. The person was sent away because of my feelings, and then I swore to forget love, to not let myself love again, for what I touch turns to spun sugar and shatters with the slightest breath. To have tears swelling in the depths of my eyes makes me laugh bitterly, makes me hate myself more. Thinking about the unthinkable when I should be working on sorting out more important matters, like what I am going to do about my fellows.
They all expect something, to have their feelings returned, to chose one to devote myself to, what have you. Then I realize that I would not be able to be devoted to a single one as they all helped me in their own individual ways. Realizing this struck a chord somewhere, pulled a string on my much guarded heart as I also realized that if one of them were to be hurt or injured beyond repair I would suffer greatly, feel an odd sense of responsibility when perhaps there was no way I could have prevented it. That is soon shut away as my instincts rearing. I had an urge to protect the earth as well as the colonies in former days, feeling this way about my comrades was only natural. The dominate male protecting his pack from horrors unseen. How poetic, I blamed the influence of them, or just one rather. Using this analogy just made be chuckle again, for how was I suppose to protect them, when they were all so much stronger then I? How was I to close their eyes and shut their ears if I myself needed someone to do that for me. I needed someone.
Meeting the mirror once again I saw an expression of utter bewilderment so blatantly across my own face. Thankful that I was in the privacy of my room and not amongst the others. Once again behind a shield, still guarded. But to discover that I needed someone was almost too overwhelming for me to care that my glass heart was, for if a brief moment, out of his protective encasement. It was an unusual feeling to be so unguarded, so open with only the silence of my room and the small black teddy bear resting on the pillows of my bed. I had not been this unguarded since before they had sent my first love away.
For once I began to understand myself, a war torn soldier ripped brutally from the only thing he understood for the longest of times. I began to realize that I too was human and that I would have to stop being a fallen guardian angel to others before I allowed myself to feel any emotions except anger and guilt. But perhaps I felt love all along and just did not recognize it? Perhaps it was love that kept me fighting and not the guilt I had perceived it to be? The absurd love for the parasite known as humanity that allowed me to survive the war and protect everything they held dear even the darker aspects. For without dark light cannot exist. But which was I? Was I the light or the dark? Demon or angel? Murderer or victim? Soul of outer space or merely a child lost amongst the stars and merciless void of space?
I thought I had for once known and not believed. For a brief moment in time clarity seemed to flare across my vision only to be obscured once again by confusion. I found that with answers only came more questions. Did I love them as well? Was I capable of such a fragile emotion? Looking out of those beautiful windows once again, I thought perhaps they could help me understand what was to become of me. Perhaps I could just except their love and allow it to guide me through my turmoil. And that seemed like a very wonderful idea. Raising from my chair, I put my confused thoughts to rest for the moment and decided that maybe, just maybe, Heero Yuy could be a child too.
End
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