Title: Blueprints of the Mess We Created
Type: Single Chapter/ One-shot
Disclaimer: I don't own anything (sadly).
Rating: T (for language mainly)
Ship: B/N
P.O.V: Alternates between Nate and Blair.
Time Period: Expands from the first season finale to four years afterward.
Summary: "I'm in love you Blair and you won't let me do it properly," he confessed, waiting for any sign of reaction from her, "I don't think you ever have." Just how many ways are there to say 'goodbye'? B/N
Author's Note: There are one or two minor spoilers included for the second season.
Dedicated to my beautiful Evermores. You know who you are. ;)
And so it is
just like you said it would be.
Life goes easy on me.
Most of the time.
Sometimes Nathaniel Archibald liked to close his eyes and remember the first time he met Blair Waldorf. Blair, with her small, skinny body and chiselled face that was constructed with the smallest of features, from her button nose to her big, brown beady eyes— it was hard to imagine himself ever forgetting.
He remembered watching her from the St. Jude's pre-school courtyard. When the young girls, who couldn't be more than five years old, would huddle together in their respective circles, whispering back and forth about things only god knew.
She carried such grace with her. Like she knew why she was there, that she was ready to take the matters of school into her hands and make the most of it and that she could predict her life down the road before turning six. Blair always seemed sure of the world and what was in it.
And then she laughed. A loud, gallant, hearty laugh for half of the boys in the school yard to hear. Except they didn't know what they were hearing, but Nate did. And somehow, he didn't think that anyone could have more of a brilliant laugh.
Her laugh was cut short when the morning bell rang, signaling for the younger students to head into their classroom. As they crowded to head into the main doors, the bobbing heads of numerous other kindergarteners blinded his vision. Nate always did regret being one of the shortest boys during that time. As he raced to get inside the building, he wasn't paying much attention to who was also pushing their way past him until he heard a small yelp from his left.
Nate had froze, the other students continued to fly past him but all he did was stare down at her; Blair Waldorf, as she was kneeling on the ground, clutching her foot with a pain stricken expression on her face. He spluttered an apology while holding out a sweaty hand for her to take.
She snapped her head to look at him, a glare about to form onto her pretty face when her features suddenly softened and she graciously took his small hand. By that time, Nate had been scared that she would kick him in the shin or do something equally painful. Blair Waldorf was fierce, always took control of a situation. However, once she stood up, she didn't let go of his hand. Instead, she held onto it as she looked down, absorbed by the shoe's black polished leather, while he stood absorbed in her.
It was hard not to because whenever he looked at something that reminded him of his childhood, she was the first thing that would drift into his mind.
Blair would always be the first girl he knew, the first girl he had hurt and the first girl that he fell in love with.
--
Sometimes Blair Waldorf wondered if she would end up alone. She had crafted so many scenarios when she would be whisked away, like the ending to a fairytale, that the more she thought of them, the more she was convinced that fairytales only existed in books. And her personal fairytales were fragments of her fickle imagination.
She couldn't quite put her finger on why every relationship she had been in seemed to simmer away. Blair had quit blaming others for the problems because the truth was, the problems weren't their faults, they were hers. Every time she remembered that, a little piece inside of her withered because Blair Waldorf was not born with faults. She was supposed to be perfect.
Blair wished that in somebody's eyes, she still was.
When senior year started, she hadn't been quite sure why her shenanigans of the summer had even played out. They were utterly erratic to begin with. Thinking that maybe if she dated someone to make Chuck Bass jealous would work well enough that her fairytale would end up coming true, only to find out that it didn't. The only people that got a kick out of it were Serena, who was trying her hardest to find someone to replace Dan, Chuck, who was flattered with the attempt until he found someone else by the end of first semester and Nate, who seemed to be luminous whenever that 'Brooklyner' Vanessa was around.
So Blair did the only logical thing she could do. It was senior year and Blair was set to make the most out of the only piece of reality she had control of happening; Yale. And she damn sure was going to get it. Blair Waldorf would not be made a fool of thrice by the same thing.
And that was what she did. Blair turned down numerous dates, drowning herself in as much work and school related activities as she could cram in before graduation. Because the last thing she needed was a minute of free time that a boy could grasp. School was a distraction, and the minute her high school diploma landed in her hand, Blair was certain that she had done the right thing.
Blair could go to Yale, have no worries on what, or whom she was leaving behind. With Serena in the city attending Brown, Chuck wherever the hell he was she didn't care and Nate, whom she couldn't even state the last time she had had a decent conversation with off to where she had no clue of, Blair was leaving Manhattan with no problems.
And she left without sparing New York a single glance.
But I'll be okay,
is that what you want me to say?
It's called 'break-up'
cause it's broken.
When the fact that he was nothing like Blair came back full throttle once school began to matter and his parents started arguing more often, Nate knew that maybe he wasn't cut out to be someone that lived life with a schedule in hand. It wasn't that when he was with Blair that was all he ever felt, because it wasn't. Being with Blair was knowing exactly where you belonged, no questioned asked. And she knew how to take care of things even without noticing.
Then there was Vanessa, who was the living embodiment of the exact opposite of Blair Waldorf. All but of one thing, the fact that Vanessa was just as snappy as her. And Nate hated it. He hated having to look at how fast Vanessa was able to comeback with a comment and feel a sinking feeling in his stomach when he realized that it wasn't Blair speaking. He loathed the idea of anyone having a single similarity to Blair because it didn't seem adequate to surpass the one and only brunette that he had met in the St. Jude's courtyard.
The Hamptons always seemed like a scape goat to New York. As if you could get away with murder there and nothing was going to stop you. When questions arose about his MIA father, and the financial trouble that came with it, Nate took the only opportunity he could to become the 'man of the family' for his mother's sake. He agreed to sleep with a much older Upper East Side wife, Catherine was her name? He couldn't quite remember, not that he really wanted to. But she had agreed to pay the bills as long as he kept up a summer of fun. And at that time, it didn't seem like a bad idea. His ex-girlfriend, ex-lover was too busy trying to get his best friend jealous with another guy, so what did he have to lose?
Nevertheless being with Catherine was uneasy. Instead of leaving Nate elated because even under the harshest physiological conditions he could ever face in one school year, it always left him feel empty. So empty, that by the time school was back in session, he was more than relieved. Being with Catherine was pleasurable, for obvious reasons, but never enough. Never of what he needed. And it was no mystery of what he did need in his life. What he had always needed.
Blair would drive a hard bargain though. Her and Chuck didn't work out, like he knew they wouldn't. They were just too similar. Chuck never needed Blair like he had. His best friend was perfectly functional without her. All Chuck needed was a faceless woman every night and it was done. He would get right back up the next morning. When Nate was with Blair however, he had gained ground with his father. He was stable with his surroundings. Everything was right. And with her gone, he didn't know what to do. What path to choose, what course to take, what or what not to do next in his life.
Every choice seemed like a mistake.
--
Blair made it past Yale without spelling Nate's name or uttering her past with him in front of any other of the boys she had decided she would casually date. The thing that struck her the most was because she wasn't intending on trying to make it look like Nate Archibald never existed. Whenever another boy from her American Lit class would ask her of her past life in Manhattan Blair could mention everyone; Serena, her mother, even Chuck when they would ask her of her previous relationship. But never Nate. Because Blair knew she was stronger than that. She would jabber on about something else when the conversation would come to him.
However, perhaps Blair hadn't been as tough as she thought. She constantly pondered the thought why it had been difficult to talk about a done relationship that obviously wouldn't bother any of the other boys. But it would always leave Blair thinking as to where her fairytale had gone. Why was she at Yale, supposedly having the time of her life, attempting to get the boy who had bought her a coffee from the school cafeteria to kiss her, when he wasn't with her? When he wasn't hers?
And on occasion, when her roommate would be out, Blair liked to abandon her books for a little while and sit huddled up in front of her laptop, her inbox open, filled with opened emails. Her knees would be drawn to her chest and her finger on the touchpad, ready to open any emails she might receive from Nate. But there would be none. Night after night. Sometimes she would have the TV blaring in front of her to cause some sort of distraction. Another distraction.
Blair Waldorf didn't like to think of herself as a failure. So when calls weren't coming, and her inbox would turn out to be empty from everyone's emails but his, she had found a bright side to it after all. She had learned to become stronger. Not that she had ever needed anyone to depend on. Blair's mask was as sturdy as cement. The little heartbroken girl she once was, was trapped inside, left to disintegrate in between the cracks along with the memories of her and Nate.
Maybe if she and Nate had kept in touch she wouldn't have been left wondering what ever happened. She wouldn't have been left out to dry in the sultry weather. Blair would know what to make herself as and perhaps if they were given a proper goodbye she wouldn't have felt so neglected or alone. And Blair wouldn't be living in the constant fear that her mask would break, not from the outside, but from underneath, where her memories and the little heartbroken girl laid buried.
Just between you and I.
You and me and the satellites.
I never believed you.
I only wanted to.
USC was the obvious choice. For one thing, it was a hell of a lot less expensive than Dartmouth, and as much as his family's financial troubles had settled somewhat, Nate wasn't taking any chances. He had discovered he couldn't be a careless little boy any longer. And the other, this was where he had wanted to go all along. Away from New York and everyone he knew. And it was working fine up until he began contemplating when to visit home. He might not have had much of a father, but his mother was still alive. Nonetheless the truth was, Nate couldn't bare Manhattan anymore. He couldn't bear returning to the city, hearing of how everyone turned out to be successful and how their lives had grown, while he was still plain, shrewd Nate Archibald.
And he had never really cared of what people thought of him. So perhaps when Nate was avoiding the subject of returning home to face everyone, he was most terrified of seeing Blair. Seeing Blair and watching her glide around the room in her independence and grace, flashing another Yale graduate on her arm, labeling him as her 'soul mate'.
Nate slurped tightly at his drink; the strength of the alcohol scorched his throat. Good. It wasn't like he was enjoying the reunion anyway. While he was packing for his inevitable trip home, he had received a letter from one of his lacrosse buddies. He had stared cautiously at the envelope, wondering what the heck was inside. Nate tore it slowly, as if because it was porcelain it would have the tendency to get broken easily. It strangely symbolized how he had hurt Blair. How her porcelain body would melt and he would want to gather her up in his arms to make it look like she had never been wrecked.
It was a fucking invitation to a high school reunion.
And the bizarre thing was that the more Nate thought about it, the more he considered going. Maybe this was his opportunity to straighten out any rumours or ideas that people had thought of him. To prove to everyone that had graduated with that no, he hadn't turned out to be an epic letdown like they had probably thought. Maybe Blair hadn't received an invitation. Maybe she wasn't even coming.
Once he arrived at the rooftop bar where the reunion was held, Nate didn't even bother going to meet one of his friends or even the host for that matter. He made his way to the bar, ordering one of their strongest drinks. More of a reason to celebrate wasn't it? Seeing all of the familiar faces Nate swore he didn't want to see ever again after graduation.
"Nathanial?"
Damn it.
"Gordon," he stated, trying his hardest to sound enthusiastic about seeing one of his old friends.
"Oh my god, it is you," laughed Gordon, taking a seat next to him and ordering a drink similar to his. At the same time, Gordon absentmindedly fixed one of his suit jacket's brushing off the ends as if invisible dust had settled on it. "I haven't seen you around at all, man. Is this your first time back in the city from…?"
"USC and yes." Nate finished, turning back to his now empty glass. He signaled for the bartender to refill it and at the same time could have sworn Gordon made some sort of appalled face.
"USC? I always thought you would have gone to Dartmouth. But anyway—"
"Gordon?" A voice from a few feet away recognized the said man.
"Jeremy!" Gordon called back before turning back to Nate. "It was nice catching up with you, try finding me later,"
Like hell he would.
It was at that moment Nate almost missed the once-upon-a-time opportunity he had with Chuck, when he could sneak away from any party to light a joint like two best friends did. Except, he hadn't seen Chuck in years. They had only talked over the phone and already, Nate didn't think he could have lost another person he had been with his entire life.
Before he could walk off to find him, or anyone that he would want to talk to, she was suddenly in front of him, adjourning his view as she looked every bit amazing as she did four years ago. Instead of calling out her name Nate stayed silent on the bar stool, his elbows leaning onto the glass counter of the currently vacant bar. He wanted to watch her mingle with the others, wanted to see how much she had changed—if she had changed at all—. But then she turned and looked his way, and Nate's heart skipped a beat when her dark orbs clashed into his blue eyes.
But the smile that hung on her face did not falter nor did it widen. She stood there, gazing at him for a few second before walking into a crowd of people.
Nate didn't think he had ever felt so heartbroken. He had just seen Blair Waldorf for the first time since graduation and she didn't even give him a second glance. She didn't care. All of a sudden, Nate wished he never came to the stupid reunion.
--
She nearly screamed half in fright when she opened the letter that invited her to a St. Jude's and Constance Billard high school reunion for the class of '09. By that time, Blair was already back in New York, unpacking her things into her old bedroom. Once she can find a decent place to stay she will have to live with her out-of-town mother again. Blair almost laughed at the irony of the situation. Hadn't she grown more independent and stronger in Yale?
But she was Blair Waldorf. She didn't flaunt at invitations to parties, she favoured them. Besides, what better way for Blair to reconcile with her friends from high school? The only person she kept in good touch with over the last four years was Serena. It was about time Blair got out and about looking for a healthier way out of the hardened mask she was close to suffocating in.
For that reason, Blair purchased the most fitting formal dress she can find; a midnight coloured, Nicole Miller halter dress. Because he might have taken everything from her but not her beauty, not how she could present herself. So help her god, she was going to march into that reunion and act as if she had never been anywhere else.
The first thing Blair noticed hence stepping onto the rooftop party were the million and one faces that seemed to instantly brighten once they had spot her.
"Blair, wow, you look amazing!"
"How was Yale?"
"Waldorf, you have done this class proud."
Part of Blair wished Serena was with her at that moment. But instead, her best friend was off in Europe, taking a break after the travesty called 'Brown' had ended.
The lights of New York City neighbouring the hotel she was in reminded her of how much she had missed home. As awful as it was and as much as she couldn't wait to leave the city once graduating she missed its sense of peace, safety, how she knew Manhattan like the back of her hand.
She stood still for a second, staring at her surroundings as others cheered for one another's accomplishments. Blair began studying each individual's face trying to recall any memories she might have had with them. Such as: when she first met them or if they were in any of the same classes.
She twirled around in her dress, trying to spot someone she could fearlessly chat with when her eyes rested on a pair of blue orbs that hurtled her back four years ago and at the same time took her breath away. It wasn't that Blair had been naive and overlooked the fact that Nate would be at the reunion as well. Hell, he was just as much part of the class as she was.
For several minutes Blair forgot how to breathe. Something that everyone was born knowing how to do, it suddenly seemed to disappear into thin air. Blair pushed past a group of people, trying to find the nearest restroom, perhaps it was time to meet an old friend; the Great White Bowl. However she couldn't make it past the polished wooden stall door. Her stomach didn't churn and the anticipation of making herself throw up didn't occur. Blair was flabbergasted, trying to find out what was going on and why.
Staring at herself in the immense mirror of the restroom, Blair contemplated on what to do next. She managed to choke something out at herself, but couldn't even understand what she had suggested which only left her more confused and frustrated. Blair straightened up and ran her hand over her face, evening out her make-up like it had shifted from its place by her distressfulness when it clearly hadn't moved an inch. She knew what she had to do. She was going to make the last four years worthwhile for herself because in a way they did teach her one thing:
No one was going to step in for you; you had to fend for yourself.
I will never treat you mean.
Never start no kind of scene
I'll tell you every place
and person that I've been.
"Hello stranger,"
As per usual, Nate would have brushed off anyone who was trying to reconcile with him that evening. His previous intention for coming to the reunion was beginning to wither. If they hadn't bothered to learn of his whereabouts during the past four years, what difference did it make now?
Nevertheless, it wasn't just anyone trying to talk to him.
Nate looked from the corner of his eyes, watching Blair take a seat next to him, the air around her literally praising her. She looked good. Amazing even. The dark colour of her dress contrasted around her porcelain skin well. Her hair was back to its dark glory, like it had been before the summer hence senior year.
A part of him wanted to snap back at her 'what, you aren't going to run out on me again?', but Nate knew it made no sense. It wasn't like he had said anything to her. He blamed his poor feelings towards the whole predicament.
"Blair," he nodded solemnly, twisting his head to look at her. Her name was ancient to his lips. "How have you been?"
She threw her chestnut hair over the shoulder furthest away from him. It was almost as if she was teasing him, silently letting him in on how much he had missed by radiating how happy she was in front of him. Nate cleared the lump that had somehow formed in his throat.
"Good," her eyes darted in direction of the bartender, ordering herself a drink, "Yale's been good. How about you?"
"Me?" He snapped out of his reverie. Nate's adoring gaze—the one that he had no clue he was spewing at her—stopped instantly. He didn't know how to answer exactly, so he lied. "Good."
"I'm sorry to rob you from your lonesome company, Nate." She gave him a hard look, noticing how he wasn't talking to her like she would have expected him to. He seemed too distant, too distracted.
"You're wonderful company Blair." Nate said lightly, listening as she threw her head back and laughed out loud. He laughed along too, because even after all this time, it was what she did to him. When she smiled, he smiled. When she laughed, he laughed.
And then Blair stopped laughing and composed herself, giving him another hard look. But this time, when Nate looked at her, he could see the pain and hurt reflecting in her brown eyes. Her lips formed into a tight, thin line and she squinted, speaking in a malicious tone.
"Is that why you didn't want any of it for the past four years?"
He was thrown off guard. Because most of the time, that was how things happened. But Nate knew it was bound to come up. His absence from her life for the past four years compared to how close he was with her before seemed so strained, so unnatural like he wasn't supposed to function that way.
"Why didn't you call? Or email me?" bickered Blair, her drink was completely forgotten.
"You never called or emailed me," he retorted, his hands formed into fists. They hadn't talked for even five minutes and now they were on the verge of arguing. Nate didn't think he had ever felt more regretful.
"That's not the point!" She swaggered off the stool, the rest of the reunion utterly hazed out into the background. "God Nate, how old are you? I lost track. Five?"
Nate couldn't believe she would say that. But then again, everything life had thrown at him, he was incapable of catching. Not without her. His sat open-mouthed, watching Blair retreat. By this time, he was flaring with anger. Nate wasn't going to let her walk away with that. How could she blame him solely?
He jumped off his seat, pushing past a few who recognized him for the first time since the beginning of the party. Blair had already made it past the glass doors that led to the floor below the rooftop. Nate could see her clicking and clacking down the corridor furiously, headed for the elevator in her heels.
"Why are you upset? It's not like we're together," he yelled at her withdrawing frame, before pursuing after her.
--
"Well now we know who to blame for that don't we?" Blair roared right back at him, stopping and turning around to do so before resuming her march out of the hotel. "Glad to know we've agreed on something!"
Nate caught up with her as she approached the elevator doors and frantically clicked the arrow button. She refused to look at him as she crossed her arms over her chest. He grasped her elbow, forcing her to turn to him. Blair could tell that Nate knew she didn't trust him.
"So it's my fault our relationship didn't turn out to be a fairytale? I did everything to try and make it work. I apologized for my behaviour as the world's worst boyfriend. Blair I really tried," Nate replied gruffly while stepping in front of her trying to meet her line of vision. She didn't expect the words to make her wince, like being cut by a sharp knife and not knowing it until you start to bleed.
"Don't even bring up what you did with Serena. The only reason you were sorry for it was because your own sheer guilt. You just had to get it off your shoulders!" she screeched, her eyes glaring at him with such intensity, Nate could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing.
"At least I was guilty about sleeping with your best friend. At least I felt that I owed it to tell you before you intended to sleep with me," he blurted, attempting to give her a look as deadly as the one she was throwing his way.
Blair blinked away the tears that filled her eyes so they would go unnoticed. So he thought that she didn't been remorseful after sleeping with Chuck? What the fuck? Sometimes she hated how oblivious Nate could be. In fact, Blair would do away with it if she could.
"Oh, so now it's my fault? What was I supposed to do Nate? 'Oh hey, I kind of lost my virginity to your best friend an hour after I asked you if you loved me in which you didn't reply!'?" Blair nearly screamed her response, the sarcasm losing its effect immediately because of it. Where was that goddamn elevator?
"That was exactly what you were supposed to say!" Nate leaned over, so his eyes were at the same level as hers. "So I would have known the second time, never to have let you go."
She tried regaining her poise, half of what she was hearing was opening old wounds. Perhaps the same wounds that never healed. Not by Chuck, or any of the other men she had been with. Her mask was deteriorating with every passing second.
"Well you did!" She came back lamely, thinking of what she had really been wanting to say to him after all this time. And then, she thought of it. "So why don't you leave, like you always do? Whenever something gets too much you don't want to handle it; you leave."
Blair stood firmly on her spot, looking fiercely at him, exemplifying how angry she was at this conversation and at the same time, angry at herself for letting it ensue in the first place.
"So you think that's all I'm good for? Leaving?" he asked, slightly petrified that she thought of him like that, even though most of it was true. "Look at you Blair. You don't even try talking about our issues! And then all of a sudden, when we broke up last time, you didn't even try to settle this, to settle us!"
They stood still, an eerie quiet growing as they remained soundless. The only sound that could be heard was the nearing of the elevator as it was advancing to the top floor. It was ironic because they were fighting about their previous relationship while the exact moment felt like those rare moments when they were together. When it was the two of them sharing silence and the world would stop.
He was the first to break the screaming quiet.
"If I go," Nate murmured, looking her straight in the eye, "I won't come back."
A sudden desperation came over Blair while her eyes widened with a twinge of despair. The fear that it might be the last of Nate she would see took over. "What? Why?"
I am so primitive,
I am so limited,
I've been resurrected to the terms
of breaking my heart.
He thought it over in his head for a split second, but realized there was nothing to think about. There was nothing to consider because his feelings had been in the open. They had been in black and white, adjourning him wherever he went.
"I'm in love with you Blair and you won't let me do it properly," he confessed, waiting for any sign of reaction from her, "I don't think you ever have."
But she continued to stare ghastly at him like she had seen a ghost. Nate nodded to himself, knowing that now that Blair knew how he felt about her. How he had been for the past four years. Even during senior year. His job was done.
Nate watched Blair's lips curl into a growl, her eyebrows furrowed slightly as the soft ding of the elevator's arrival rang from behind him.
"Well then. I guess this is goodbye," she mumbled, trying to side step him in order of her way out the hotel.
Nate froze for a moment, thinking hard with what to do next. If he wanted to stop her or not. Well, of course he did. Nate stretched his arm out, halting Blair from stepping past the open elevator doors. He looked down, wishing he could read something on her blankly confused face. It took Nate a split second to see it and part of him wished he hadn't bothered in the first place.
"Goodbye," muttered Nate, taking a footstep backward and into the lit elevator, surrounded by mirrors. He really didn't need to look at himself. Nate wasn't about to let Blair walk out of his life, just like that. If anyone was going to leave, it would be him. Likewise, Blair had even said so herself. Why not give her what she wanted?
"Au Revoir," hissed Blair, looking as if she was dreadfully trying to stop from crying. She sniffed loudly.
He guessed that she understood his intentions of leaving and the same intentions of not coming back like he promised.
Coming to the reunion was a mistake. It was so much easier before, when Nate could just think that his life wasn't going to get complicated or miserable. It was so much easier thinking things would turn out fine as long as he kept to himself.
Nonetheless, it was out of the question right then. A fierce sensation passed through him as he understood what he needed to do.
"Sayonara," he grumbled, watching her from inside the elevator.
"Arrivederci," she squeaked slightly, moving a little closer to the entrance of the contraption.
"Adios," replied Nate, shoving one hand into a pocket in his slacks, while reaching out to press the ground floor button.
--
"Do you think it's possible…possible to say goodbye and stop loving someone?" Blair spoke softly, her hand hit the lever of the elevator door forcefully as it was closing the entrance. It retracted into the side.
His finger rested on the ground floor button. Nate gazed at her intently and Blair wondered what she should do next. If she could do what she had wanted it wouldn't be much of a problem.
"I wouldn't know," answered Nate swiftly, pulling her body closer to his.
Her arms immediately linked around his neck while he ducked his face, melding his lips against hers. For a split second, Blair went livid as his lips roamed hers. She thought of the consequences she had unleashed. She thought about where it was going and how she might feel the next morning.
The elevator door closed behind them while he settled her body adjacent to the control panel. Their tongues slithered past one another and the smell of him nearly made her knees buckle. Tasting him for the first time in years made Blair realize how much she had missed him. She gasped into Nate's mouth when he clutched at her hip, drawing her body even closer to his.
Her hand managed to slip away from his shoulders. Her eyes remained closed while his tongue still probed her mouth. She pressed a button on the consol hoping it was at any floor except the lobby. Blair couldn't even imagine the embarrassment of arriving to the ground floor with people watching Nate grope her.
The elevator stopped abruptly as the doors glided open.
"I don't deserve you," he whispered unexpectedly into the skin of her ear before pulling back.
She stared up at him, mortified, stunned into silence by his statement. Her mouth parted, still a little hazy from the kiss. Maybe Nate was right. Maybe she was too good for him.
It was only then did Blair understand what he meant. She flinched inwardly as she remembered the trapped little girl behind the mask. Blair was going to admit that with Nate, right then, she didn't know where she was heading. She was unsure of what to expect. This boy, who had been there from day one, who was always a constant in her life, was now making her question her future.
But Blair wasn't going to be the one to push him away. She might not have taken her chance to rekindle with him last time, but he wasn't going to get away right then.
"Maybe not," she whispered back, burying her nose into his collar. "But I deserve someone. Maybe someone like you,"
"Then don't settle for anyone remotely like me." He responded promptly, not letting a second linger by.
As long as I'm okay
I want to figure it out myself.
Let's just hope that in a day
I'll find my way.
Nate could feel Blair tilt her head up against his chest and land on the crook of his neck. She shifted in his arms that wound around her tightly, giving him an inquisitive look. At first he contemplated if he was holding her too securely and she might be having trouble breathing. That perhaps he should let her go. However, Nate wasn't prepared to let her go. Not this time, at least.
He continued to look down at stare at the curious gaze Blair was sending his way. She looked so confused to him, that Nate merely wanted to kiss her again and reassure her. Reassure her that he wasn't going to make her sway back and forth in the breeze or leave her behind in the wind to dry.
"I'm here," finished Nate, watching as the enquiring stare fell from her face and was replaced by a genuine smile.
"You're not going to leave, are you?" asked Blair, settling herself closer in his arms.
"No. I never meant to," he answered truthfully, leaning down and reinstating his lips with hers. But not before Nate drank the moment in, certain that he was going to remember how good it felt and how right his instincts turned out to be after all.
She pulled away and Nate could hear her breath hitch in her throat. He was certain what she would say next.
"I…I love you," she stuttered, her hands balled the material of his suit.
And he had never felt more vulnerable and scared in his entire life. Nate looked down at Blair, once again, holding her impossibly closer than he already had.
"I love you too, but I want you to be happy," he responded.
Blair tipped her head to the side, gazing at him with her dark brown eyes. Her expression exemplified a hint of puzzlement. It was then that Nate realized that it was his fault it was occurring in the first place. If he hadn't been so unsure of his own life, she wouldn't have to feel so hesitant about him.
"Silly." Blair cupped his face with her soft hands, directing him look and listen to her carefully. "You make me happy."
Nate knew he was no longer going to be trailing behind now. He might have not been number one in many things other than his lacrosse team jersey, but he didn't need that in order to feel on top of the world anymore. He had never needed it.
--
When Blair woke up the next morning, she expected to feel her limbs tangled and see a body nestled beside her, except she found neither. Blair scrambled to sit up in bed, collecting the bed sheets with her, hugging them securely to her exposed skin.
A part of her didn't want to believe that Nate had gotten up and left. Especially when she had proclaimed he would the night before. Blair squinted her eyes, glaring around the room for any last trace of Nate. Perhaps if he left his tie or something, it would give her a reason to hunt him down and yell at him at the top of her lungs. But if he left, didn't that mean he didn't want to be found?
She heaved an aggravated sigh, rubbing her hands over her face numerous time, trying to frantically gather her thoughts even though her heart was racing with the thought that she even trusted Nate not to leave when he said he wouldn't. Blair threw her hands in the air, letting out a roar of annoyance as she fell back into the mattress. God, she was so stupid.
"Maybe I should come back later?"
Blair sat up again, hearing the familiar voice from across the room. Nate stood earnestly, one hand carrying a white plastic bag and the other juggling two large cups of coffee. He was dressed in the same attire from last night and Blair knew she wasn't dreaming
"What are you doing here?" The words escaped from her mouth in an inadvertent spiteful manner. Nate obviously caught on to her distress as he set down the bag at the foot of the bed and placed the coffee on the nightstand opposite to her.
"Well if you seem to be facing some memory loss; I slept here," he confirmed gingerly, a wide smile spreading over his handsome features.
"I know that," she snapped, "but I thought you would have gone, since you weren't here when I woke up."
"I went downstairs and Dorota wasn't around, so I guessed that today was her day off," answered Nate. "I went out to get you breakfast instead."
Her face immediately softened when he handed her a cup of coffee. She took it graciously, locking his gaze as she took a sip, not even considering the idea of washing up first. Or putting some clothes on.
"I'm sorry, I assumed that you—"
"Left?" Nate interrupted, giving her a knowing look. "I promised I wouldn't leave."
"Yeah," Blair mumbled in return. "I guess we have a lot to work on."
"No," he shook his head, reaching for her hand and clasping his warm one around it, "I don't want to pick up where we left off. I want to start again."
She sat there, absorbing his words like a sponge. Blair reflected on them, mulling over what precisely he meant. Start again? As in how things were before they created the mess they were in? She could do that. She craved that. Blair needed to hear that for a really long time.
"I'm willing to work on it if you are," she agreed, smiling indisputably, turning to look at the contents in the white bag known as 'breakfast', "so what's in the bag?"
"You really want to know?" Nate eyed her, hiding a meek grin.
"Of course, it's not like it could to be anything dangerous," laughed Blair, sliding next to him.
"Baby, you don't know dangerous," he chuckled along with her, slipping his hand underneath the bed sheet, delicately caressing her backside.
"Nathaniel Archibald, what have I missed these past four years?" she sighed, biting her lower lip before leaning forward and capturing him in a awaited kiss with her lips.
Music credit to:
Damien Rice – The Blower's Daughter
Mayday Parade – The Last Something That Meant Anything
Strays Don't Sleep – For Blue Skies
The Doors – Angels and Sailors
Crash Parallel – Long Night Dreaming
The Perishers – When I Wake Up Tomorrow