Longing from a subconscious
Part 1
In a vaguely by torches lit potions lab, ingredients were plopped into a medium sized kettle. The thermometer in the draught showed 300 degrees (Celsius) and it boiled furiously.
"Pixy skulls, dried puppy noses, Napoleon's ashes…" Snape had a habit of mumbling everything before dropping it. "And done!"
His thin fingers closed around a bottle that had once, judging by the skull and crossbones label, contained something deadly. He removed the cork and ripped the label off before filling it with the kettle's content. This potion smelled like raisins when bottled. Snape didn't like raisins, but it didn't matter because it wasn't for him. When the bottle had been filled he corked it and cleaned up after himself.
"Now it's payback time!" He tossed his hair back and cackled diabolically as he swabbed some spilled fluids off the table. The maniacal laughter echoed in the dungeons and concerned the decorative bats.
The way the staircases moved about according to their own whims, it could be hard to keep track on just what floor you were currently on, but it was probably on the western bottom stairs of the seventh floor, which were in the vicinity of the Ancient Runes classroom, that Remus settled down to do some pre-class preparatory reading.
"So how did you all do on the exam?"
"All right, I think" said James, casually doodling obscenities on a quaffle.
"What exam?" Sirius asked, seemingly thinking that lying upside down on his back over the stairs was a good position for adding details to the quaffle doodles.
"The Transfiguration exam this morning"
"This morning, this morning… Where was I this morning?"
"Did you have 'French tutoring'?"
They watched with mild curiosity Snape approach them as if they were a flock of deers, wondering if he was simply passing or if he happened to have some business with them. But he just stopped by the windows nearby to do some pre-class preparatory reading, placing the bottle he had clutched on the sill.
"What do you have there?" Sirius shouted at him.
"Not telling you!" Snape shouted back.
"Oooh, is it a secret!"
"If I told you, you would only want it for yourselves" Snape put down his book. "I'm leaving for a moment"
"Stop the presses…"
"Don't touch my Super Awesome Potion!" Snape swished around a corner.
The bottle sparkled in the sunlight, resembling a pear flavoured soft drink.
"That was weird" said Peter. "Do you suppose that really is SAP?"
Because lying over steps of stairs on your back was uncomfortable, Sirius sat up.
"Suddenly I'm thirsty" he said, stretching.
"Careful, you don't know where it's been" said James.
But Sirius was already returning with the bottle and proceeded to put it through some basic tests that didn't require more than a wand.
"You do realize it's a trap" said Remus.
"Not a lethal one" Sirius stuck his wand behind his ear and chugged.
"When I said, 'you don't know where it's been'…" James stared in mixed shock and disgust as Sirius grimaced in mixed disgust and disgust.
"I know I thought you were joking"
"I can't believe you did that"
"People who lack nerve generally can't"
And that is how they all came to chug it.
The Gendus Bendus potion was what you called a night onset potion, meaning it was activated by night sleep. The residents of dormitory M had forgotten all about the chugging when it towards the afternoon seemed like it hadn't been a trap at all, and so waking up the next morning as witches had taken them all by surprise.
Professor Slughorn was halfway through his anecdote about the time he introduced Linda to Paul McCartney when said witches, none of which he recognized but found vaguely familiar, came barging into class, later than ex-parrots.
"Can I help you ladies?" he asked, blushing because one of them was simply too stunning to be legal.
"We're not really chicks, it's just temporary" Sirius explained, finding the attention revolting but wearing his gender-bent self with pride nonetheless as he went to the back of the lab to stare at the student that had taken his place until he took his things and left.
"Here's my paper on why you should never under any circumstances put oregano in potions" said Remus and gave the paper to the bewildered professor.
"OhIsee!" Slughorn spluttered and gestured for him to go and take his place so he could continue with his anecdote.
"Yes, Linda and I went to the same cooking class in New York…" he continued, fumbling nervously with the papers on his desk.
"I've always wondered if my woman self would have this effect on men. Also" said Sirius, brushing hair from his eyes.
"I wouldn't count perverts if I were you" James wasn't too disappointed in the results of his change either; in fact, he had been looking in a mirror non-stop since morning.
"So what do you think, then? Do you think I'm hot?"
"He just said you shouldn't count perverts" said Remus, looking up page 394 in Onset Manipulation in Potions.
"Perverts have standards too. Do you think I'm hot?"
"No I don't"
"Liar"
"You do look like your mum" James had to admit.
"Why would you say that?" Sirius asked, hurt at the cruel remark.
"That doesn't work. She won that Sophia Loren look-alike contest in the prophet. Now all of Wizard Britain fancies your mum"
"Sophia Loren is weird looking"
"A bit. Your mum is hotter than Sophia Loren"
"So marry her, I'm sure she'd like some appreciation"
"Pfft. Do you want me to be your dad?"
Shrug. "It would be a trade up, for us both"
"Can I remarry so you get a new mum too?"
"Marry Raquel Welch!"
"Done!"