DISCLAIMER: Twilight characters and related likeness owned by Stephenie Meyer, Little Brown Publishing. No copyright infringement is intended.
AN: This alternative universe scene takes place during New Moon, before Jacob has ever phased into a werewolf. If you want to listen to No Such Thing by John Mayer in the background while you read, the link is on my profile page.
She was purring like a kitten. Today was going to be a good day, I just knew it. I had finally got the part I had been waiting for, and she was tuned within the inch of her life. My VW Rabbit was shaping up nicely, just like the rest of my life. The sun was shining, something rare for La Push, the air was unseasonably warm, and nothing could bring me down now.
"I just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you have to rise above," John Mayer sang out from my car stereo speakers. Damn straight, I agreed.
If I believed my Dad's legends about werewolves and bloodsuckers, I would believe there was no such thing as the real world. In fact, I expected any day now to find out that Bella's friend, Angela, was a witch. With my luck, it could happen.
I reached over and spun the volume knob on the radio to full blast. I smiled as Mayer got to the chorus, "I am invincible, I am invincible, as long as I'm alive."
Quil brought his long arm inside from where it had been hanging out the window and reached over and turned the volume down by half. "What are you so happy about, Jake? If you just won the lottery I could use a motorcycle."
"Sure, sure, I'll get you two," I snorted. "I just like this song. I am invincible."
"Not exactly," he objected. "You could be demolished by that gang of Cullen brothers."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, asshat."
"Well, I did say it would take a gang," he reminded me with a cocky grin.
"You may not have noticed, Quil, but they're long gone," I replied smugly.
"Yeah, for now," he said darkly, bouncing his right knee nervously.
"They're not coming back, trust me," I said confidently, "and that works out great for me. I think Bella is falling in love with me," I boasted.
"Sorry to tell you old man," Quil began hesitantly, "but Bella and I are already engaged; we've been keeping it a secret because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. Me, I don't care so much about your feelings, but she's kind of a girl that way."
I lazily reached over and punched Quil in the shoulder.
"Ow, man, take it easy. Can't you take a joke?" he griped, rubbing his arm.
I smiled again. "Nothing you could say can bring me down today."
"You know, tomorrow is Festival of Smoke and Mirrors Day, so if you plan on trying anything with her, that might be a good time."
"Thanks for the tip, Romeo," I snorted, "but I don't need any advice from you."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that if I were you. You may think you're invincible, but I think you're insane," Quil said calmly.
"What do you know about being in love?" I asked derisively.
"I know two things that evidently you are choosing to ignore," he pointed out. "One, haven't you noticed that Bella hasn't gotten over Cullen?"
"Yes, she has," I argued. "She's totally over him."
"Yeah, right," he agreed sarcastically. "I'm sorry, but I've seen her, and she's a lot better, but she's not over him. Not by a long shot. If he came waltzing back into town tomorrow, she'd take him back in a minute."
"Do you want to get out of the car now?" My voice was low but serious, my face like a thundercloud.
"No, relax. I'm just trying to be honest with you. Don't make me go all Dr. Phil on your ass."
"Bella is her old self again, just like she was when she first got here," I informed him in no uncertain terms. "Like before she ever met him. Like she was that first day we went for a walk on the beach. The old Bella is back."
"Hey, I'm all for being delusional, it can be a lot of fun," Quil grinned. "But you're sailing down that river in Egypt; you know, denial."
"I think I know her better than you do," I insisted, beginning to get irritated.
"Yeah, well, there's a little thing called perspective, and I don't think you've been introduced," he said with a smirk.
"We've been spending almost every day together and I can really see a change in her," I said forcefully.
"Okay, say you go ahead and ignore that little ex-boyfriend problem. You still have an even bigger one," he persisted.
I scowled. Quil was beginning to work my last nerve. "I think you better keep quiet for the rest of the trip, or I could just stop the car right now and you could run the rest of the way home." I glanced in his direction and saw him still smiling. "I know how I feel about Bella and nothing you say is going to change my mind. Bella's going to be mine one day, soon." She had to be, it was the right thing. It was the only thing that made sense. She was beginning to see it too, I was sure.
"Okay, let's roll with that," Quil enthused. "Say she does love you. Cool. So you're all happy. Aren't you a year younger than her? Isn't she going to be going off to college and leaving you on the rez? What are you going to do when she hooks up with a college guy? Have you thought about that, Casanova?"
"That's not going to happen," I growled. "She could go to college close by, or even wait a year. Whatever, she's not going to hook up with some random college guy." She won't, she wouldn't. I won't let it happen.
"That's not something you have any control over, just like your bad taste in music," Quil observed. "Couples break up all the time, even couples that are engaged. Look at Sam and Leah. Until he met Emily, he was set to marry Leah. Now look at her." He rolled his eyes.
"I love Bella," I said stubbornly, trying to ignore the Leah example. Only a fool would want to get into that, and I was no fool.
"If you really did love Bella, you'd be more careful," Quil warned. "She's the one who's going to end up getting hurt if you get too close to her now, and then she goes off to college without you. Ever think about that, buddy? Better to keep things casual."
Shit, he was right. I had no answer for that, so I kept quiet, thinking it over. I knew I loved Bella. I knew Sam loved Leah, until he met Emily, and then he had left Leah heartbroken, angry, and a total bitch.
I knew I wasn't going to dump Bella for another girl, but it was possible she could meet a guy at college. Or possibly take Cullen back. She was too forgiving. Had she forgiven Cullen? She still wouldn't say his name. She didn't ever want to talk about him. But that was a good thing. She meant she had forgotten about him, right?
How could she ever have loved him in the first place? He was a cold, arrogant asshole, always parading around like he was better than everyone else. Him and his expensive cars and big house. What did she ever see in him?
Bella knew what everyone thought about him and his family. She knew and she was still crushed when he up and left her in the woods behind her house. He must have put some kind of spell on her. Maybe he was a hypnotist. He had to have some kind of magical power because he had no personality of his own.
The way he left her proved he was heartless. How could she have given him hers? I knew she had because she kept her arms crossed over her chest so much of the time, like she was in pain and barely holding herself together. I cursed him for hurting her like that. He didn't deserve her. If he ever did try to come back and see her I would tear him apart, and have fun doing it. Edward Cullen would never be allowed within a mile of her again, if I had anything to do with it.
And I would have something to do with it. I would win Bella's heart now, and she would forget all about Cullen. I could already make her smile and laugh. I had fixed her bike and taught her to ride. She was happy when she was with me, I could tell. Maybe she needed a little more time, but not too much. She was almost there, just where I wanted her to be. Ready to fall into my arms, and I would be there to catch her when she did.
The rest of the ride was quiet, and I dropped Quil off, went home, took a shower, rubbed one out, thinking of Bella's full, luscious lips the whole time, got dressed in a clean pair of jean cutoffs and a plain, white tee. If my luck held, I wouldn't have these clothes on for that long, and my shower fantasy would become a reality. Today was my lucky day. I could feel it.
The drive to Forks seemed endless. I just wanted to get there, pick Bella up, and take her to the beach. I had it all planned out, and if things went according to my plan, this would be the best day of my life.
I pulled into her driveway and honked the horn. The front door opened not a minute later and Bella came down the stairs, carefully holding onto the railing. She was wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a brown hoodie. Even though the sun was still shining, Bella had the hood up as if she were expecting rain.
"What's up?" she asked, settling into the front seat next to me and peering at me with her deep brown eyes that I could get lost in. She was still a frail shadow of the girl she had been when she arrived from Phoenix, but she was much better than she had been a few months ago, and I was responsible for that improvement.
"We're going to take advantage of this great weather and go to First Beach," I informed her, thinking how pleased she would be with my plan. "Sound good?" I looked at her expectantly.
Bella nodded, and gave me a small smile. My hands itched to reach over and touch her, my whole body ached with longing for her. She was small, and fragile, and she needed me. I fought my urges and started the car. I had turned the radio off as I pulled into her driveway, so the ride to the beach was quiet, with Bella looking out the window while I focused on the road ahead.
When we got to First Beach, we made our way down to the shore and watched the waves for a short while before starting off for a walk. Bella kept her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, but she lowered the hood, and let the warm breeze blow through her long hair. It whipped around the creamy skin on her neck and she gathered it all to one side and twisted it, tucking it under her collar.
We were walking close to each other and I kept my eye on her, waiting for her to trip. The sand was hard and firm as we grazed by the waves lapping at the shore by our feet. I could feel the heat between us, tense and dry; she must be able to feel it, too.
Trying to get Bella to talk proved difficult, as she only offered one-word answers, so I decided she must have something occupying her mind. She was close enough to touch, but still so far away. We walked side by side in silence, just listening to the sound of the ocean. The sun was sinking lower in the wide blue sky as we turned to retrace our steps.
Stooping to pick up driftwood on the way back, I let Bella walk ahead of me a bit, enjoying the view of those tight jeans stretched across her full, round bottom. Thank goodness she had started eating again. For a while I was worried she would waste away, but those days were over.
When we stopped, I built a small bonfire. Bella and I sat cross-legged as we watched the sunset, and it the air was still warm. I leaned forward and threw another piece of driftwood on the fire. Life was good. So far the day was going the way I had envisioned it: Bella, alone on the beach with me, all calm and peaceful, happy, even.
I could feel her eyes watching me. We had that kind of connection. Her soft voice broke the stillness. "You're sort of beautiful, you know that?"
Hell yes! I knew she would come around. I knew she would want me one day. This was the moment I had dreamed about. I watched the light from the fire reflect in her big, beautiful chocolate eyes, and thought I saw the flicker of love there. For me. Yes, Bella wanted me. The time was now.
I leaned down to kiss her but she scooted backwards, shaking her head, making her long, wavy brown hair flutter around her slim shoulders.
Bella tilted her head up and looked at me, her bright eyes now filled with such sadness. She wanted to kiss me but she just couldn't get that jerk out of her head. Now her silence made sense.
I had enough of being patient with her. I snapped. "Yeah, what good does it do me? I'm not beautiful enough, am I? I'll never be as beautiful as him, will I?" I asked angrily. "Not as long as I'm still here, I guess. Would you like me better if I vanished into thin air, too?"
"Technically he didn't vanish, he moved to Los Angeles," she muttered under her breath.
"You're going to argue technicalities with me now? Are you kidding me?" I barked. "The point is, this is not some warped fairy tale you've sold yourself on, Bells, this is your real life." I felt myself frown but I was beyond caring now.
She didn't respond for a while, she just sat there, her arms wrapped around herself, staring at the fire. Then she said, "If you're trying to hurt me, you're doing a good job."
"Well, you should know, you're the expert on that," I responded bitterly.
"I can't help the way I feel," Bella said, anguish creeping into her soft voice. "Don't you think I wish I could? Do you think I choose to feel like this?"
"Yes, I think you do," I responded quickly, trying to get her attention. She was so stubborn. I hated seeing her like this. If only she would trust me, trust herself.
"I'm here, Bella, I'm right in front of you but you refuse to see me, to let yourself feel something for me."
"I'm trying, Jake, you have no idea how hard I'm trying," she said with a hint of desperation in her voice as she finally looked up and met my eyes. "Sometimes it seems like it's too much of an effort to even take another breath, but I am trying," she insisted weakly, twisting her hands together in her lap.
"Let me help you, let me make things easier for you," I urged.
"I can't force my heart to feel something it won't. I've tried," Bella gasped, sounding hopeless. "I want to feel something for you, I imagine it, and then, something stops me. It's like I wake up from a dream and the pain comes back and I'm frozen."
"Let me warm you up," I suggested, reaching for her.
"No," she cried, shaking her head "I'm broken and I'm not good enough for you. You deserve someone whole, someone who can give you everything."
"I don't want someone else, I want you," I declared, determined to make her understand.
"You think you want me, but I'm bad for you, Jake, I'm damaged," Bella responded, suddenly sounding very sure of herself. "There is someone out there for you, and it's not me. I know that."
"No, damn it, I only want you!" I shouted, so annoyed that everyone seemed to think they knew more about this than I did.
"You're too young to get involved with me like that, and besides, you could meet someone new tomorrow, someone who could give you everything you wanted. You just don't know," she argued.
"I know how I feel about you, and I can't imagine feeling anything more for someone else."
"But it is possible, and then what would you do? Say I let myself fall in love with you… and then we go into Port Angeles one night to see a movie and you see her? Your perfect girl. What would happen to me then? What would happen to us?"
"That's not going to happen, Bells," I said with conviction.
"You can't guarantee it, can you?" she asked doubtfully.
"I… it isn't going to happen like that."
"That's what I thought," she sighed. "It could happen, exactly like that. I know it would kill you to hurt me, and I wouldn't want to put you in that position."
"You're talking about something that might never happen. I'm willing to take the chance." She had to give me a chance, she owed me that much.
"That's because you're young and foolish, and I've already taken the chance and see where it's gotten me? I can't do that twice." Bella swallowed hard and stared into the dwindling fire.
"You can, you're strong and you deserve it. You deserve a chance to have a real life, with kids and a family. I can give you all that, if you'd just let me."
"I don't want that!" she screamed, her body jerking involuntarily as she ran a hand through her hair. "I'm not just an incubator. I don't want to get married and have kids, I just want my own life back." Big, fat tears began to roll silently down her pale cheeks.
"No, you just don't want kids with me," I told her sourly. "I bet if you could have Cullen's baby, you'd do it in a minute." She didn't want me, she wanted him, still. After all this time, after the way he abandoned her and shattered her heart into a million pieces, she still wanted him.
Her sobs quieted and she wiped her face with her sleeve. After a few moments she said, "It doesn't matter. That's never going to happen." The light had almost completely gone out of her eyes now.
"Look, you know he's gone and he's not coming back. You have to snap out of this. You can't go on like this forever. I'm right here, right in front of you. You have to start living, Bella."
"How can I, when I already feel dead inside?"
This was the first time she'd ever said that, specifically. I couldn't let her believe that, it wasn't true.
"I can make you feel alive, Bella, I know I can. Just let me try, please." I took her hand and she didn't pull away so I ran my other hand up her arm and slid it around her back, pulling her closer to me. I held her against my chest for moment, trying to let her feel how right this was. I moved my hand to tilt her chin up but she shook her head and she pressed her palms against my chest.
"I can't do this anymore," she whispered. "You're too warm and I feel like I'm suffocating, I can't breathe. Let go of me, please, Jake, let me go."
I knew what she was asking, and it wasn't just about letting go of her now. She wanted me to let go of her forever. I dropped my arms to my sides. The waves continued to lap quietly at the shore, the fire sputtered, almost going out, and I wondered if she could hear the sound of my heart breaking?
"It's time to go," I said gruffly, getting to my feet and kicking sand on the dying embers of the bonfire. "We're done here."
She sat there for a moment, looking up at me, dazed. Then she struggled to her feet and we began walking up the beach to the car. I got in and started the car and she stood next to the door for a while before finally opening it and lowering herself into the seat.
"Put your seatbelt on, I'm not going to be responsible for getting you any closer to your dream."
Bella didn't move immediately, she just stared at me and then she reached for the strap and buckled herself in. "I'm sorry, Jacob, I'm so sorry."
"Save it. There's only so much I can take, I do have a limit, you know," I replied harshly.
She began to sob quietly and didn't stop the whole way home. I reached over and popped the glove compartment open, pulling out a box of tissues I kept there especially for her. Bella frequently had tears, and never had a tissue on her. It was amazing to me how one small girl could produce so much liquid from her tear ducts.
I gave up on trying to say something to make her feel better. I decided if she wanted to be this way, to choose to wallow in her feelings instead of doing something to set her life back on the right path, I wouldn't stop her.
When I pulled up in front of her house I could see that it was dark and Charlie's cruiser wasn't there. "Do you want me to come in with you 'til Charlie gets back?"
Bella shook her head no and fled the car as if it were on fire, running up the porch steps and flinging the door open, disappearing inside, taking my dreams with her.
I sat there for a few minutes, watching the dark house before I turned the key in the ignition. Tomorrow would be a new day. Maybe it wouldn't rain. No, two days of sun in a row were too much to hope for.