The Choices We Make
Disclaimer: Ilene Chaiken owns all names and characters from The L Word, not me.
A pair of brown eyes blinked open as the sun trickled through the blinds onto the face of, the then sleeping, Shane McCutcheon. She groaned as she struggled to get back to sleep, but there was no arguing with the sun and besides, Carmen was up now and getting dressed and that was reason enough not to stay in bed. Carmen's hair was long, brown and usually immaculate, but this morning it was ruffled and disturbed, no doubt due to last night. Shane on the other hand looked as if she could have walked out of bed and straight onto the catwalk. However her hair was, she always looked the epitome of sexiness, and this morning was no exception. In fact, many of Shane's admirers believed that she looked better just as she woke up than any other time of day.
"Mmm, why do you have to go so early?" said Shane, still struggling to wake up
"Because I have to go to work, and so do you" replied Carmen, opening the blinds fully and letting a flood of light into the room
"Arrghh" came Shane's voice from under the covers she had dived into.
"Come on, Shane, your clients are waiting." Carmen teased, pulling the sheet off the bed and revealing Shane wearing not much more than knickers and a tank-top. The sight of Shane bathed in the morning light took Carmen's breath away, and Shane saw her ticket to an extra half hour in bed. She looked up at Carmen with a look she knew how to use very well indeed. Carmen's eyes softened and Shane deepened her voice as she said
"My clients can wait, it's too early to be awake. And, uh, besides, you don't really wanna leave, do you?" Shane tilted her head like a puppy responding to its owner and raised an eyebrow.
Carmen stood still, pondering. On the one hand, she would most probably be late if she stayed for a while, but on the other hand this was Shane. And that was self-explanatory. Carmen smiled and kneeled on the bed in front of Shane.
"No, I don't really wanna leave" she said sincerely.
"Mm, I didn't think so" murmured Shane. Sitting up straight and pulling Carmen towards her. "so, er, what do you wanna do?" asked Shane with a grin.
"You" said Carmen, who then proceeded to kiss Shane and pull the tank-top off.
Shane was late, of course, she and Carmen had gone on a lot longer than half and hour and it was gone ten by the time Shane drove up to the entrance of a block of flats where her client lived. She was going to get into trouble for this, but hopefully she could charm her way out of it. She didn't quite know how, but she usually managed to.
Today was no different, her client ate up her excuses like a cat with milk and sat in a chair ready to have her hair cut. Shane began cutting, and it soon became almost mechanical. She loved doing this, seeing hair change shape and soften up, obeying her hands and her style. The end result always pleased her, knowing that it was her skill alone that caused a beautiful woman to smile and look even more beautiful than usual.
She finished with her client, and moved on. On the way to her next client (who she was miraculously on time for) she had a shag-flashback from the morning.
Shane's POV: Carmen is straddling Shane. Carmen trembles and bites her lip as she reaches orgasm and Shane, whose hand is busy elsewhere, licks and sucks Carmen's nipples.
Shane snapped out of it, and the lights turned green and she moved on. Shag-flashbacks were enjoyable and useful at times, but whilst driving on a busy LA road was not one of those times. She blinked, shook her head and concentrated on the driving.
The next time she had a shag-flashback was when she was just about to start on her third client of the day. She was in a room with green walls and a large fold out mirror with three sides and lights at the hinges. Her client sat on a black swivel-chair and had dirty blonde hair that was rather messy. The last time Shane had been in a room like this had been the first time she had sex with Cherie Jaffe, and that had set off a whole chain of events that led to her heart, which before had never even been tickled, breaking. Now, seeing this room that looked so similar and this woman, who - from behind - looked so similar, Shane had a flash-back of Cherie and how she had said 'I'm looking for a little more, lots more' and then proceeded to seduce Shane.
Shane's POV: On the floor in the room, Shane is now on top of Cherie with no top on and is kissing her. This is just before Cherie's husband interrupts them.
Shane blinked again and her client turned around, she realised now that this woman looked nothing like Cherie, she was much younger and much less attractive. Shane's eyes began to water at the thought of Cherie but she pushed back the tears and smiled. She was not sure if she was disappointed that this woman was not Cherie, half of her mind hated the memory of Cherie but the other half desperately wanted her back, and then there was the other half who was completely in love with Carmen. Shane realised that there were now three halves, and that eventually one half would have to be removed in order to make her one whole person.
A week or more passed since Shane had been reminded of Cherie, and she had not thought about her since then. Carmen had kept her busy, and so had Alice with her troubles over Dana. Also, there was little Angelica to fuss over, and Shane could not get enough of Bette and Tina's baby girl. So, all in all it went smoothly for Shane. Jenny, Shane was pleased to see, was really benefiting from therapy and seemed to be getting better. She was not bitter at all about Shane and Carmen. One afternoon when Carmen was out working Jenny had sat down next to Shane and said earnestly
"I think Carmen was right, about what she said on Mark's tape. I'm not angry with either of you, and I wish you both happiness together. You're my best friend Shane, and I love you"
This had made Shane nearly cry, and so to hide it she gave Jenny a massive hug and said that she loved Jenny too, then there was an awkward silence and Jenny broke it by talking about the weather, which was - in Shane's opinion - typically Jenny.
Then, quite unexpectedly when the group were all sitting around in the Planet drinking coffee and discussing Angelina's latest triumph, Cherie turned up She stared straight at Shane, whose mouth had dropped open. Carmen had never met Cherie and now looked very confused and rather alarmed. Alice, as usual, had a look like Yoda on her face and muttered some quirky epigram under her breath. Shane stumbled over her words as she asked, bewildered, what Cherie wanted.
"I need to talk to you" Cherie replied in a strong voice that didn't suit her appearance.
Shane looked at Carmen and - fearing that Cherie would blurt everything in out in front of everyone if she didn't get to talk to Shane alone - got up and led the bewildered one to the back of The Planet, to a table where once Cherie had put Shane's hand under her skirt and had not been wearing any knickers. Shane blushed a little at the irony of it, and hoped that Cherie was not expecting a repetition of that day.
"Err, what do you want?" Shane asked Cherie with a tone that was as confused as it was annoyed.
"I dunno, I've just been…..I think I've left….I…I need a coffee" she finished lamely, and walked to the counter. Shane shot Alice a quizzical look and followed Cherie to the counter.
"You know, you could have gotten a coffee anywhere" said Shane simply, gaining confidence at Cherie's obvious discomfort. Cherie looked at her and bit her lip. She stared for a while as if wanting to say something but couldn't because she was terrified, which Shane supposed was exactly what the situation was. Cherie blinked and turned to the woman at the counter and ordered a very strong coffee, the strongest the Planet had to offer.
Back at the table, Carmen was watching and frowning. The group had started to talk unnaturally as soon as Shane had gone. It seemed to Carmen that Alice did not want to have to answer any questions on who that older woman was, and why she wanted to talk to Shane, and why Shane had felt so tense as soon as this woman had looked at her.
Meanwhile, Cherie had been given her extra-strong coffee and Shane had put a hand on her arm to lead her back to the quiet corner.
"Ok, so you have your coffee: what else do you want, Cherie?" she said, looking down at the table and fiddling with the salt and pepper pots. Cherie downed her coffee in one gulp and then took a breath, which turned into a sigh.
"The truth is Shane, that I miss you. And I just had a fight with Steve, and I…uh" she sighed again and glanced up at Shane, tearing her gaze away from the floor and then returning to the white tiles. Shane, for her part, was staring at Cherie's hands which were fidgeting with each other in Cherie's lap. Cherie started again "I think for once…in years…I was honest with him" She seemed to gain some composure and went on more steadily "I told him I never loved him, I told him I only ever loved one person and I had hurt that person and nothing he could do or say to me would come close to the pain that I had felt after... after…I hurt her…after I hurt…you
"Then I told him that when he touched me I felt dirty and nothing could wash the dirt from me. And then I said that the only thing that could make me feel free and clean again was you. And then I said I never wanted to see him again, and that he could stuff his Bel Air houses and trips to Paris and find some other whore to share them with. And then I left….and I've been driving around since last night…I drove all the way to my sister's house. When I got there, I turned around and drove back. And now….now….I'm here" she hadn't taken another breath and now she stopped for air and fell silent and still, staring at a mark on the floor. Her hand twitched. Shane was stunned. A tear had fallen silently down Cherie's face, and her lip was trembling. A lock of blonde hair fell over her eyes and she shook her head to get it out of her way. She sighed heavily again.
"Cherie…I…don't know what to say. 6 months ago I would've jumped for joy at you saying this…but I'm with someone now. And you've managed to screw me over even more by telling me you love me. And by finally leaving him. What do you expect me to do, Cherie? You wouldn't leave him for me, until I had gotten over it. And I had moved on. It's always been on your fucking terms, I don't know what to say to you!" Cherie let out a sob and looked now everywhere but at Shane. She thought that Shane looked different, her hair was different and she had changed her style in clothes. She also looked older, no, not older, but perhaps more mature. She didn't want to look back at Shane for fear of bursting out crying like a baby, and so instead she frowned at the chalk menu on the wall.
"I understand how you feel, but…wont you just think about it? Wont you come back to me? I know I hurt you, I know it so much, but I know you love me. And now, I've realised that I love you…so why can't we just…." Cherie said, still frowning at the menu. To someone who didn't know the situation, it may have seen that Cherie was asking the chalk menu and it's 'Planet Specials' to forgive her.
"How can you love me if you can't even look at me?" interrupted Shane "look at me!"
Cherie looked at her straight in the eye but to her surprise she did not start crying, instead she gained strength from the hope and confusion and indecision that was obviously present in Shane's eyes. Shane suddenly wished she had not asked Cherie to look at her, as soon as she had her heart melted along with her legs and her composure.
"Can we talk somewhere else? Where your friends aren't breathing over our necks?" Cherie nodded towards the table where the talk had dried up and they were all staring at Cherie and Shane, Alice was goggle-eyed and Carmen was frowning. Little Angelica, however, was gurgling happily, ignorant to it all. Shane now remembered Carmen and felt that all three halves of her were pushing and struggling against each other. She nodded at Cherie and went to talk to Carmen who looked close to tears but said that, "yes" she would stay here for a while so that Shane could talk to Cherie and that "yes" they would meet later for a meal. Shane took her jacket and followed Cherie to her car, and following her was a hundred questions from Alice and a cold hard stare from Carmen.
The journey had been a quiet one, Shane stared at the people on the sidewalk and Cherie tried to concentrate on driving. She did not know that Shane had moved house so Shane had to direct her to the house that she, Jenny, Mark and Carmen now shared. Cherie seemed impressed and enquired on how Shane's hairdressing was. Shane had replied that it was very good, and that she was working for Veronica Bloom. Shane had certainly developed and it seemed to Cherie that she had definitely made the right decision. Her life with Shane could be just as comfortable as it was with Steve, and now at least she would be happy and in love and very satisfied. All she needed to do was convince Shane.
Shane was standing in the kitchen looking thoughtful and rather at a loss as to what she was to say now that they were alone together. Cherie sat on the couch and tried to look like she was comfortable and confident.
"Come and sit down Shane, you look so tense"
Shane considered this for a moment and then walked and sat next to Cherie, but not too close.
"I've missed you" said Shane, earnestly "But, I've also gotten over you. See that gorgeous girl in the photo?" She said motioning to a picture of her and Carmen in the yard. "Her name's Carmen, I'm with her now. I'm happy. You're too late"
"No, I don't believe you…come on Shane, you can't've forgotten us. How good we were" Cherie turned to Shane and placed her hands on Shane's shoulders.
"'Were', Cherie, were. As in no longer."
"Not necessarily." Silence fell for a second as Cherie thought of what to say next. Then she took a breath, turned Shane towards her and looked at her with a deep piercing look "She's not me, though, is she Shane?"
"No, she's not. She's very different from you" Is that a good thing or a bad thing, Shane thought? Cherie blinked and moved a little closer to the twenty-six year old. Shane didn't move, unsure of whether to flee or leap on top of Cherie. She chose to stay still and Cherie continued to move closer, it felt like an age before Cherie finally reached and pressed her lips against Shane. Shane's lips didn't move for a while, she was taking it all in, shocked. But eventually she began to reciprocate and she felt herself tingle everywhere and remembered just how amazing it was to kiss Cherie Jaffe. Shane shifted so she was on her knees next to Cherie on the couch and continued to kiss Cherie. She brought her hands up to cup Cherie's face, much as she had done the first time they had kissed, all that time ago in Cherie's room.
Cherie moaned and began working on Shane's belt buckle. Shane stopped for a second to look down at the situation, but as Cherie succeeded in lowering Shane's ripped jeans and placed a hand in between pale white legs, Shane forgot that Cherie had hurt her, and that she was with Carmen. In fact, had Carmen walked in Shane would not have noticed, she probably would not even have noticed if the roof of the house flew off.
Cherie continued to finger Shane, first with one finger, then with two and then with three until Shane gripped the couch with her hands and arched her back and sighed and moaned in ecstasy. Cherie, with her other hand had unbuttoned Shane's shirt and was kissing Shane's bare neck which of course sent tingles down Shane's back and intensified the orgasm more. After Shane had come, she slumped on the back of the couch and took Cherie's face in her hands again, stared for a split second and then dropped onto her knees on the floor, in front of Cherie's legs. She pushed Cherie's grey skirt up to find that Cherie's white underwear was wet with passion. Shane thought it somewhat ironic that Cherie was wearing white underwear, she thought no underwear suited Cherie better.
With Shane's assistance Cherie wriggled out of her white, wet underwear, which were promptly flung over the twenty-six year old's shoulder so that they landed, sprawled, on her boot. Shane opened the older woman's legs and pulled her hips towards her so that Cherie was nearly on the edge of the couch, Shane then kissed her soft thighs and finally placed her head between Cherie's legs to lick her out.
After Cherie came they moved to Shane's bedroom, removing what little clothes they still wore and - in the bed that Shane had this morning woken up in with Carmen at her side - they fucked and fucked until they both fell, exhausted, asleep in each others arms.
Luckily, Shane awoke in time to meet Carmen and Cherie left to stay in a hotel. She gave Shane the details of the hotel in case she needed to reach her. Shane's mind was reeling. She had felt sick when she woke and saw Cherie in her bed. She had woken to find Cherie there before, except she wasn't really there, it was only Shane's mind playing games. The SUV was with Carmen at The Planet so Shane had to catch a bus to meet Carmen for dinner. She had showered, but no matter how much soap she used nothing could remove the stain that Cherie had left. Taking the bus was good, Shane thought, it gave her time to think.
She had thought about it many times before, she had thought about what would happen if Cherie asked for her back. And even before she could not make up her mind. So how was she to decide now? Her brain hurt. She knew how much she would hurt Carmen. Perhaps if Carmen didn't care for her like Shane knew she did she would have easily chosen Cherie, but she could never hurt Carmen like that. The thought of leaving Carmen made her feel nauseous, but the thought of refusing Cherie made her nervous and depressed. Then, she realised exactly what she needed. Alice. She always gave good advice. So she called Carmen and cancelled dinner saying she was going to see Alice and rendezvous back at home.
Shane got off the bus heading to the restaurant and took another bus to Alice's apartment.
Shane knocked and waited for Alice to answer.
"Hang on, hang on" came Alice's voice from beyond the door. And as she opened the door "oh, Shane, hey. What's up?"
"I have a massive problem"
"Oh, no. You didn't? You did!" Alice's face looked stern and disappointed. "Shane you do remember what she did to you, don't you? The tears and the leaving and all that?"
"Yes, of course I do. How could I forget? But she left Steve, Al, she left him. For me! What was I to do?"
"Err, not that!" said Alice, as if the answer was obvious and easy
"Easier said than done, Al. You know that."
"What are you gonna do?"
"I really don't know. I just feel like….I'm torn in two. The feeling I get from Cherie is like a drug, I want more of it. I need it. But... with Carmen I feel safe and happy." Shane stopped and by now had sat down on the couch in the living room "What do you think, Al?"
"Carmen is my friend, Shane. But so are you, and I saw what happened last time Cherie Jaffe was here. I saw you, crying, at Provocations. So, I also know how much you loved her. Don't think about how they feel, don't think about how much it will hurt Carmen. Or how crazy Cherie will be if slash when you tell her to go away. Think about what you want, Shane. I can't make the decision for you. You know that" Alice shook her head slightly as she said this. She looked at Shane, and then at the web on her wall. She sighed "What a tangle everyone is in"
"Yeah, tangle." said Shane, absently. She was thinking, she thought about Carmen's feelings and how hurt she would be, and how she could stay with Carmen just for the sake of saving her pain. Alice had made her realise that that was no reason for living with someone. And then she thought of the warm soppy feeling she got every time she woke up next to Carmen. And how safe she felt with Carmen, and how she had never in her entire life felt so safe. Carmen was good for her, she knew it. But Cherie was like a drug, and now that she had taken the first shot, she wasn't sure she could give it up. After so long of not having it.
Then, like a breath of fresh, cool air in the middle of a heat wave in an un-air conditioned supermarket, Shane knew. Her head cleared for a second, and it seemed so simple. She looked up and saw Alice looking at her, rather alarmed, or maybe bemused.
"Can I borrow your car Alice?" She said, standing up and taking the keys from the table, not waiting for an answer. She stood up and walked out into the hall. She heard Alice shouting after her "Where are you going? Shane! What are you doing?" but slammed the door behind her and ran down the stairs.
Back in the flat, Alice huffed and muttered "Fucking dyke" before putting her feet on the coffee table and turning the TV on.
Shane knocked on the door and waited for an answer. The answer to the question that had been making her head hurt all day was now so obvious and transparent that she felt rather stupid for worrying about it. She heard stirring from within and footsteps approaching the white-washed door. As the door opened, Shane tilted her head and smiled at the beautiful Latino with long black, shiny hair before her.
"Hey" she said, with a grin
"Hey…why did you knock?" asked Carmen, with a frown.
"I…don't know actually. I wanted you to answer it, not sure why" said Shane with a shrug, grinning still. Shane moved into the room and kissed Carmen. Carmen broke it off and summoned a quizzical look "What happened with Cherie?"
"Well, if you really wanna know." Shane looked down, but decided to just come out and say it. She looked back up at Carmen "I had sex with her, it was a mistake. No actually, it wasn't a mistake. I needed it to realise something… I've spent the last few months trying to get over her. But today, I saw that I am already over her, because I am so far and deeply under you. I love you. And I want to continue being under you forever" Shane raised an eyebrow at the double entendre and Carmen, who at first had looked shocked and angry, softened and let herself mould back into Shane's arms.
"Well, I suppose I could live with that" said Carmen, smiling at Shane and fiddling with Shane's collar. She took Shane by the tie and led her to the bed, where she threw her on the bed, and let Shane - in every sense of the words - under her forever.
Shane now revised her calculations. The halves of her that both loved and hated Cherie Jaffe were gone, and all that was left was Carmen. Which, Shane was pleased to identify, was no longer a half at all, but was a complete whole and was all she ever needed. As she thought this, the white-washed door slowly creaked close.