This is the second installment of the Mobile Reconnaissance, Equine Deployment saga. Yes, he's back. This time, Mr. Ed helps Hogan and the gang try to foil Major Hochstetter's plan to trap the saboteurs in the Hammelburg area. Will they be successful? It all depends … is Major Hochstetter smarter than a horse?
The standard disclaimer applies – I make no claims to any non-original characters or situations that are used in this story. It is written purely for entertainment purposes.
Enjoy!
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Chapter One – Major Hochstetter, Meet Mr. Ed
Colonel Hogan watched as the ball arced through the air towards him. He jumped up and stabbed it in his glove before it flew over his head. He removed the ball from his glove and tossed a ground ball back to Carter. The Sergeant scooped up the ball like a shortstop and fired it back at Hogan as if he were throwing to first base.
The ball stung Hogan's hand as he caught it in the lightly padded palm of his glove. "Easy, Carter!" Hogan complained as he removed his hand from the glove and shook it. "These Red Cross gloves are not very thick!"
"Sorry, sir," Carter replied sheepishly. "I guess I got carried away."
Kinch laughed from the bench by the barracks door. "You'd think he was trying out for the Detroit Tigers or something," he commented.
"Cleveland Indians," Carter corrected. "I've always been an Indians fan."
"The Indians!" Hogan exclaimed. "They're terrible."
"That's the only kind of team Carter has a chance at," Newkirk commented as he kicked a round football in the direction of LeBeau.
"Very funny," Carter said. He opened his mouth to make another reply but stopped when they heard a small commotion near the fence. "Colonel, look," he said, pointing towards the main gate of the camp.
Hogan turned to look towards the noise as the rest of his men came to congregate around him. There was a growing group of prisoners gathering near the fence and gesturing to something outside the camp. The guards looked tense and he saw Schultz attempting to herd the prisoners back away from the fence.
"What's that outside the fence, mon Colonel?" LeBeau asked.
"I don't know," Hogan replied. "It looks like …" He paused when the recognition hit him. "I don't believe it," he said.
"Hey, it's Ed!" Carter exclaimed. "What's he doing here?"
"He probably came to talk to you again, Carter," Newkirk said jokingly, giving his American friend a poke with his elbow.
"Cut it out, Newkirk," Carter replied testily. "I can't help it that he only wants to talk to me."
The men began to chuckle and tease Carter until Hogan stepped in. "Knock it off, all of you," he ordered. "There's got to be some reason that horse is here." He still had a hard time believing that this horse was an Allied agent and could actually talk to Carter. But still … that last mission couldn't have been successful without a little equine intervention. "I think I'd better find out what that reason is," he said. "Carter, you're with me. The rest of you, get those men away from the fence before the guards get a little trigger happy."
"Colonel, you're not going to try to talk to that horse, are you?" Kinch asked incredulously.
Hogan smiled briefly. "I'm not, Carter is!" he quipped and motioned his men into action.
Hogan watched the gathering as he walked towards the main gate. The horse – Mr. Ed, as London called it – was prancing back and forth in front of the gate. The prisoners seemed to be motioning for the guards to let it into the camp, though the guards themselves seemed to be attempting to drive it away. Schultz was waving his arms ineffectually, alternately attempting to shoo the horse and the prisoners. To Hogan, it looked as if the large Sergeant was attempting to fly away.
As the din increased, Klink emerged from his office with a frown on his face. He noticed the clump of prisoners near the gate and headed towards it. "Schultz! What is going on here!" he shouted.
Hogan intercepted the Kommandant before he got very far and walked along beside him with Carter following not far behind. "Morning, Kommandant," he said. "I see you've come to welcome our new prisoner." Hogan put his hands to his mouth and shouted, "Schultz, open up the gate and let him in!"
The Sergeant stopped his flapping and gave a quick salute before waddling towards the gate.
"New prisoner?" Klink asked in confusion. "What new prisoner?"
"The horse," Hogan answered. "It'll be nice to have him around."
"Horse?" Klink sputtered. "Schultz – cancel that order! Leave those gates closed!" he shouted. Schultz stopped and gave another quick salute.
"You're not going to let him in?" Hogan asked. "Well okay, it's your funeral." He gave a shrug as if to show his disinterest in the Kommandant's predicament.
Klink stopped in his tracks. "What do you mean it's my funeral?" he asked.
"When the German economy crashes because you didn't let the horse into the camp," Hogan answered casually as he stopped along with the Kommandant.
"Why would my not letting that horse into this camp affect the German economy?" Klink asked. His eyes narrowed and he wagged a finger in the American's direction. "Hogan, this is one of your tricks."
"One of my tricks?" Hogan replied. "Kommandant, I'm insulted. I shouldn't have to explain how important that horse is to the German economy."
"Of course you don't have to explain that to me," Klink retorted. After a moment of silence, he added, "Hogan humor me … why is that horse so important?"
"Kommandant, please," Hogan said, crossing his arms.
"Hogaaaaaaaaaan," Klink whined.
"That horse belongs to one of the local farmers who delivers produce to the various local military installations," Hogan explained. "If something were to happen to him, that farmer would not be able to tend his crops or deliver them." He stopped as if that should clear everything up.
"And?" Klink asked impatiently.
Hogan laughed. "And when he doesn't deliver his produce to the military installations, they will, of course, take what they need from the German civilians."
"Of course," Klink agreed. "So why is that a problem?"
"There would be a shortage of food for the German people and prices would soar," Hogan continued. "That would lead to inflation in the whole economy and before you know it, the price of bombs would explode through the roof." He heard Carter snicker at his intentional pun.
Klink nodded thoughtfully as if the explanation made sense to him. "Mmm hmm, naturally," he said. "That is why I was going to let the horse into camp." He turned towards the main gate. "Schultz, what are you waiting for, open up that gate!" he shouted.
Hogan turned to Carter and smiled. "Piece of cake," he whispered. Carter nodded his head in agreement.
"Hogan, when will you learn that it's fruitless to try to trick me," Klink said proudly.
"I should never try, Kommandant," Hogan agreed blandly, holding back a laugh.
They watched as the gates opened and Ed galloped into camp, heading straight towards them. He slowed when he drew near, heading directly to Carter and began nuzzling at his pockets. Schultz appeared shortly after, out of breath from the short run across the compound.
"Why'd he go to him?" Klink asked, pointing towards Carter.
"Him? Oh, he must smell apples on his hands," Hogan replied quickly. "When LeBeau makes his apple strudel, Carter's the one who always cuts up the apples."
"Cockroach is making strudel?" Schultz asked hopefully.
"Schultz! No one asked for your comments!" Klink replied.
Schultz stiffened. "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant," he said. Then he leaned towards Hogan and whispered, "Cockroach is making strudel?"
"Schultz!" Klink shouted. "Hogan, I don't suppose your Sergeant Carter cuts these apples with his ear?"
Hogan laughed as he looked over at Carter. Ed seemed to be nuzzling at Carter's ear. It's almost as if he's whispering something to him! Nah, that can't be! "Now you're being silly, Kommandant," he replied. "The horse is just talking to him."
"Talking to him?" Klink asked as Schultz snorted in disbelief. "And you think I'm being silly?"
"Sure, Carter has a lot of horse sense," Hogan replied with a smirk.
"Horse sense," Schultz muttered. "That's a good one!"
Klink stomped his foot on the ground. "Schultz! Why are you standing here? Go and get a rope so we can return this horse to the farmer who owns it," he ordered.
Schultz saluted and turned to begin his search for a rope. He stopped as he saw the black staff car enter the camp. "Kommandant, it looks like the Gestapo is here," he said.
"The Gestapo?" Klink gasped as he turned. "What are they doing here?"
"They probably heard about what you almost did to the German economy," Hogan quipped.
"Hogaaaaaaaaan," Klink said.
They watched as the car pulled to a stop in front of the Kommandant's office. The back door of the car opened and Major Hochstetter emerged with a large frown on his face.
"Klink, what is that horse doing here?" Hochstetter screamed as he headed in their direction.
Hogan jumped in before Klink had a chance to reply. "Hello, Major Hochstetter. You're just in time to meet our new addition to the camp," he said brightly as Hochstetter arrived at their little group. "We're organizing riding lessons and would be glad to save you a slot."
Hochstetter glared at the horse before shifting his gaze to Klink. "Riding lessons?" he asked. "Klink, what are you running here, a stable or a prison camp?"
Klink laughed nervously. "I assure you Major Hochstetter …" he sputtered.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ed nuzzle at Carter's ear again and begin to shift his body around. Hochstetter was facing the Kommandant and had his back to the horse, not paying any attention to the animal. Ed moved a little until his rump was directly behind the Major. With a snort he began to swish his tail.
"Klink, are you going to explain the presence of this animal?" Hochstetter growled.
"Actually …" he started, but interrupted his explanation with another nervous laugh. "I've let the horse into camp to help save the German economy," he said. "You see, this horse belongs to a local farmer who grows produce to sell to the local …"
Hogan noticed that Ed had continued swishing his tail around and was occasionally brushing it against Hochstetter.
Hochstetter had continued to stare at Klink with a growing look of disbelief. "Klink, you have the brains of an idiot," he grumbled, interrupting the Colonel's explanation.
At that moment, Ed's tail swished against the Gestapo Major and knocked his hat off his head. Hochstetter grunted his annoyance and bent over to retrieve the hat. To Hogan's surprise, the horse lifted a hind leg and thrust it towards Hochstetter, hitting the Major in the rear. Hochstetter tumbled forward onto the ground.
"Do you want them back?" Ed said loudly.
Hogan looked quickly towards Carter, who was stifling a giggle. The Sergeant noticed Hogan's inquisitive look and shrugged, pointing towards the horse.
Hochstetter scrambled to his feet and glared at Klink. "What did you say?" he snarled.
Klink opened and closed his mouth several times before he was able to speak. "It wasn't me, Major Hochstetter," he stammered. "It was Hogan."
"Don't look at me," Hogan replied, pointing towards Carter and Ed.
Carter smiled at Hochstetter. "I didn't say anything," he said. "It was him." He pointed towards Ed, who bobbed his head up and down and snorted.
"The horse talked." Hochstetter replied flatly. He fixed his glare on Klink. "Klink, what kind of fool do you take me for?"
"A perfect one," Ed replied.
Hochstetter's head whipped around towards the sound of the voice. He saw Carter unsuccessfully holding back a laugh. "You," he shouted, pointing at Carter. "You dare insult the Gestapo?"
A genuine look of surprise came over Carter's face as he stopped laughing. "It wasn't me, Major," he replied.
Hochstetter looked at Ed for a long moment. The palomino playfully swished his tail again, barely missing the Major.
Hochstetter turned back to Klink. "I don't have to stand here and be insulted like this," he growled.
"Where do you usually go?" Ed said.
This time Carter could not contain his laughter. He doubled over, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he laughed. Hogan noticed that Schultz was also having a hard time keeping a straight face.
Hochstetter whirled around towards Hogan. "Colonel Hogan, you should learn to control your men," he warned.
"Major, it wasn't my man," Hogan said. "It was one of your horses." Now it was Hogan's turn to laugh.
"Klink!" Hochstetter bellowed. "Get this horse out of here! I need to talk to you in your office."
Klink stiffened for a brief moment at the outburst. "Schultz, take that horse away," Klink ordered, shaking his fist in the air. "Find the farmer who owns it and get it out of here!"
Schultz saluted and took hold of Ed's bridle. As the Sergeant began to lead him away, Hogan noticed that Ed had left a rather large pile at the feet of Major Hochstetter – so close that if the Major took one step backwards, he would step in it.
Sure enough, Hochstetter wheeled around to head towards Klink's office and stepped squarely into the center of the mess. Hogan watched with glee as the Major's foot slipped out from under him and he fell flat on his back in the manure. Hochstetter was furious and tried to get up, only to have his arm slip out from under him and fall again to the ground.
Carter was laughing so hard that he almost fell over. As Klink scrambled to help Hochstetter up off the ground, Hogan grabbed his Sergeant by the arm and hurried towards the barracks. "I'll be going now, Kommandant. It looks like you have your hands full," he said over his shoulder.