Heavy's and Medic's excellent space adventure; Day 1
I know what you are all thinking. The question. Yes, THAT question. The ultimate question, the question people had been pondering since the time of dinosaurs. What's the deal with this space adventure Heavy and Medic had? Not to worry everyone, the prequel to the much awarded and recognized story, 'The RED team have a magical adventure through the lands of imagination!' is finally here.
Change your pants later folks. Not that I know all of you have no lives and merely wait with your noses pressed to the screen, eagerly awaiting for the next instalment to load.
I need another drink. Share and enjoy.
Not too many knew Heavy's lifelong dream to go into outer space. That was until the Administrator had moved the RED team to an old American research base in Nevada called "Area NUMBERDELETED". To add aesthetics, they made it as authentic as possible with blinky lights, old sets from some show they never heard of called "Star Trek", complete with a rather old, real Russian space rocket. According to intel, they bought the rocket from some guy named Darling at a yard sale. No one was more pleased then Heavy, who'd tell anyone who'd listen about his vivid childhood fantasies.
"I always wanted to travel into space. Was my dream since I was little boy in work camp."
The others 'hmmm'ed and 'aww'ed and allowed Heavy to bubble in his own dreams and desires at 350 degrees for several days until Heavy began displaying odd behaviour. It was harmless at first, like for example, when he would stare out towards the rocket for hours like a lady watching the ocean waiting for her lost lover to return to her arms. Or when he began hiding schematics and drawings of rockets under his mattress
Then one night, Engineer witnessed Heavy tip-toeing into the old warehouse they kept the rocket when it wasn't used as a background prop with what looked like last month's issue of 'Popular Mechanics' stuffed down his shirt.
"It was the creepiest damn thing I've ever seen." Was all Engineer could say about it
The last straw was when one day, Heavy asked Demoman what the difference between unleaded and leaded gasoline was.
"Why?" Demoman asked back.
"None of your concern! I just want to know the difference!" Heavy roared defensively before storming off.
Yes, it was apparent that Heavy's dream had somehow transformed into obsession. Someone would have to sort it out before Heavy went a joyride in the rocket or something. Who else to do it but Heavy's breast friend the Medic? Medic obviously wanted no part of it. Finally, after much discussion, which most lead to at least one person being thrown from the fifth floor laundry room window, Medic finally agreed to escort Heavy into the rocket for a look around. And hopefully end Heavy's insane fascination once and for all.
"Only for a moment mein pinguin. I don't want to spend a moment longer here then necessary."
Heavy wasn't listening, only swaying back and forth on the grand captains chair in front of the grand console of the vessel like a massive child.
"How about a quick ride Doctor? To the moon and back? Will be back in time for 'Rawride'."
Medic drew a line into the inch layer of dust collecting on a shelf.
"As much as I would love to be blast nineteen thousand kilometres to drift in empty space forever, I do have other plans in my schedule today."
As Medic peered at some maps and charts of what looked like "America" scattered on a table as he continued.
"Bookkeeping duties, tending to my birds and such... It's my turn for blood-cleaning duty tonight. Again. I swear someone is rigging the chore wheel again-"
Suddenly, a loud, shrill alarm went off and the cabin started to shake. Medic saw Heavy had buckled into a seatbelt, and wearing a captains hat. Medic grabbed onto a bolted down chair for dear life.
"HEAVY! What are you DOING!?" Medic's voice could barely be heard through the deafening roar of the ships' engine.
"Blastoff in five seconds Doctor!"
"WHAT!"
"I said, blastoff in five seconds DocooOOooooOOOO!"
The entire room shook and convulsed while Medic was knocked onto the cold floor. Heavy kept roaring "OOOOOOO" like a skipping record. The Doctor couldn't move, like he was being compressed onto the floor by gravity itself. That's because he was. Medic let out a un-manly wail as he fell into unconsciousness.
It was dark when Medic's vision tried to focus on anything but the void. All the doctor could hear was a slight hum emitting from around him. The only source of light illuminated from the buttons and lighty things blinking on the dash board of the cockpit. Medic laid where he fell, stunned like a dove who flew into a bullet proof window. His ears ringing, his pants mysteriously wet, his muscles stinging all over. What it all a nightmare? A horrible trick orchestrated by the others? Medic promised he would forgive and wouldn't do anything to their un-mentionables if they simply came forward and told him it was just a joke. Finally, after what felt like many minutes staring up towards the ceiling in stunned silence, Medic mustered up the strength he had to call out through the darkness.
"Heavy?" Medic's lips where dry like dry-paper.
"Yes?" A large mass wearing a captains hat sitting in the captains seat with large hands over the controls replied.
"Heavy, you never would lie to me will you? Please answer me that you didn't just-" Medic licked his lips and swallowed, "-flew us into space?"
Heavy switched on the lights. It was pitch dark outside.
"Doctor! You shock me! I take offense that you think that I've smuggled canned goods and basic necessities into here for weeks so that no one would notice! And studied the complex mechanics and technicalities of space flight for nights on end and then luring you into space-rocket for trip into space!"
Medic peeled himself off the floor and looked out a round window. All he saw was Earth the size of a watermelon.
"And correct term is 'blast into space' Doctor."
Medic responded with a raised eyebrow, then calmly got up, sat and took out a pen and paper.
"I'm making a bucket list Heavy-"
"Doctor, no." Heavy sighed
"-of people I'm going to annihilate when I find a way back."
"Don't do this now."
"Because life is too short not to kill the people you hate. You could die, be murdered or flown- BLASTED into SPACE!"
"Let me guess. I'm at the very top?"
"No, you'd be the very last! Whom I'll torture for years and years! Keep you alive so you can suffer for every minute I had to suffer here!"
"You are always cranky when you skip your breakfast. I will make you delicious space brunch!"
"I don't want brunch!" Medic shouted at the Heavy as he left the cockpit, "I want you to turn this metal-can back into the atmosphere!"
"Aluminum-can" Heavy shouted back
"Whatever!"
A microphone plugged into the console suddenly sang out static and a familiar voice cackled into life.
"Gold leader! Come in Gold leader! Can you hear me? Repeat, can you reply? Breaker-breaker-"
Medic grabbed the yellow phone receiver like it was sentient and would try to fly off like a sparrow.
"Sie Knochen Scout! Get me out of HERE!"
"That's them." The voice responded.
"Something horrible has happen! Heavy planned this from the very start! He's gone rouge! AWOL! He's-"
"Been stealin' food, blueprints and other crap an' shanghaied you and the rocket into space? Yeah, we know."
Medic collapsed into the chair.
"Va?"
"Oh yeah, guess we didn't tell you. Huh. Guess we thought he wouldn't have the balls to actually-
"Scout, is Engineer there?" Medic's voice was full of malice.
"As matter of fact he is! Wanna talk to him?"
"Immediately." Medic growled, the phone cracking under his finger-grip.
"By the way doc, since yer in deep space, keep your eye on any wormholes. Them tricky bastreds are always sending people across time. Not cross space though. Also, make sure you cover any exhaust pipe openings."
"Scout, if you make any more redundant science-fiction references on this intercom, I will vivisect you."
"Can I make the references when the intercom is off?"
"Whatever, it's a free country."
"Deal."
With that settled, there was an uncomfortable silence as Medic waited for someone with a brain to talk with.
"Heelo!" A friendly voice called
"Engineer. get. me. back. home" Medic felt his temples twitch.
"Can do! Won't be easy though. The mere touch of any button surface could spiral you deeper into the infinite nonentity of the cosmos. First, grab a coconut."
"Coconut...coconut..." Medic muttered, eyes scanning the immediate area. Finally he found a hand sized, brown coconut. He grabbed it.
"Have it."
"Right, hold the coconut in yer left hand and press the large red button on the console. With yer left."
Medic did as he was told.
"Done."
"Good. Now, just let auto do its job and you're as good as gold. Yer a good loong way from home though. It'll take a couple a days to tally on back on home soil."
Medic felt his heart skip. He struggled to maintain composure.
"Is there anything else you could do?"
"Nope. Gotta let the jet run the course itself. I'll give ya'll a ring when you're close to base."
Medic fought to keep his balance. Even though he was sitting down.
"I understand."
"It'll be okay Doc. Just relax, there's enough air and food to last both of ya for a mite long time. Just try not to rip each other apart up there. Don't know if the ship can handle it."
"If there will be any ripping-" Medic growled
"Oh look at the time! Rawhide is on!"
The intercom went dead. The silence was deafening for the man. For once in his life, Medic felt like the loneliest man in the world. A second later, Heavy came back wearing a flowered apron carrying a large tray of four grey tubes, a unlabeled can and a fancy tea set.
"What did Engineer say?" Heavy asked as he prepared the tea.
"Well, we have a few days to spend until we break into orbit. Suppose we take this opportunity to relax." Medic hesitantly muttered.
Heavy sat on the other side of the round space table.
"Let's make best of it! Could we play Bouncy-Doctor-Bouncy?"
"I am much too tired now. That game is too exhausting to play."
"We haven't played Bouncy-Doctor-Bouncy in days! Heavy wants to play game!"
"Medic has a headache!" Medic snapped back.
The room fell into silence once more. Heavy's attention returned on the meal.
"Does Doctor like space-food?"
"No, thank you."
Heavy looked horribly disappointed, but carried on being mother.
"Tea?"
"Two sugars please."
"Milk?"
"Is it real?"
"Space milk. Freeze-dried."
"Fine." Sighed Medic as Heavy dropped a lump of milk into his cup.
"You know, you could had at least tried to smuggle some real food." Medic eyed the paste dripping and oozing from the sealed cap of the tube.
"Nyet! Only smuggled what real cosmonauts eat. We must have authentic experience."
"I see. Well, while I'm here, I might as learn something." Medic smiled kindly and sitting opposite.
"That's the spirit Doctor! We will make you real cosmonaut yet!"
Medic had a bad feeling about that.