My Obsession
A/N: Its 3 AM I couldn't sleep and this came to mind. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to post it... I might still take it down but for now here it is. So yeah read it and then read the last Author's Note I'll explain in more detail what the hell my mind came up with.
I've called five times now and still no answer. So I try again and again yet it keeps ringing and ringing until it goes straight to voicemail. I'm going crazy why haven't you answered? Have I angered you in some way? So instead of calling I text you but you still don't reply. I don't understand! I don't understand what's happened to you? Why won't you fucking answer me?! I don't get it! Please I'm begging you just answer the damn phone! What's going on?
I can feel it... its like a snake just slithering up my body slowly. Its getting hard to breathe, I feel like I've just entered a tunnel. My brain is turned on auto pilot... I can try and stop this turn around and go back into the light and think rationally but I'm losing focus. So hard to breathe... can't breathe the walls are closing in! Tears are running down my cheeks and I grip my hair and pull, maybe the pain will wake me out of this.
The walls... they keep closing faster and faster! Its so hot in here, I try calling again but there's still no answer. You're dead... that's it your dead. I start laughing because it sounds so ridiculous but it's all I can come up with. That's why you're not answering me! Someone broke into your house and killed you. Now I'm left without you... you said you would stay! You promised! You lied! I hate you now, I hate you! How dare you leave me alone! I keep calling and calling and calling but you won't fucking answer because you're dead!
Oh god I can't breathe, my chest is so tight. My heart is pounding so hard against my ribcage. Can't breathe!
I'm pulling my hair harder now and strands are coming loose but the pain feels good. You can't be dead, you just can't! You promised you wouldn't leave me! I dial again and again but still no answer. How long have I been calling for? I just keep driving and driving farther and farther into this dark tunnel and I've lost all sense. I don't feel sane anymore I hate this feeling but I hate that you've left me even more! You hate me don't you... is that why you're not answering me?
Where are my keys? I can make this right! I can make it right! I'll do anything if you'll just forgive me! I love you don't you see? I love you! I want to have you, I just want you and no one else and you promised me you would never leave me! Where are my fucking keys? I find them on the floor and grabbing them I run down the hall tripping and falling. The tears are blurring my vision and I don't want to go over because I'm scared but at the same time I feel like I have to! Because I need to know if you love me to.
I'll call you again one more time... but you still don't answer. I don't understand... I don't understand. I'm begging the gods to just make you answer its been thirty minutes what are you doing? Why aren't you answering? I just need to leave that's it. I just need to leave because where I'm at right now its just so hard to breathe. I can't breathe!
I can't stop sobbing for what I don't know. I can't tell if your dead or alive... I'm just going through the motions now calling you again and again as I lean my head against the door. I'm crazy, I'm so fucking crazy and yet you're still with me. You have to text everything you do to me because if you don't I'll do this. You're getting tired of it, it's weighing on you now and I know that.
I'm such a fucking spazz and yet you stay with me. I'm crazy... yet you're still here with me. Why? I would have left me a long time ago. If I wasn't so fucking scared I would have killed myself by now. My heart is aching and I just keep pressing call over and over yet there is no answer.
Its just voicemail at this point and by the time you do answer you'll be angry at me. You'll see all those hateful texts and you'll never want to see me again but I just can't stop! You have to answer me... please... I'm begging you.
And just when I feel like all hope is lost you pick up the phone!
"Hello." You're so calm and in an instant I'm so angry at you and I start spouting horrible things.
"Why didn't you answer me!" I scream. It scares me... I'm not normally like this and my voice is so raw from crying. But the hatred behind it... that's what scares me the most.
I can hear you sigh, and I would apologize if I wasn't so angry right now.
"I'm sorry I was in the shower." Comes your reply.
"I was calling you and calling you and you wouldn't answer! I don't understand! Do you hate me?" It's like you've never even said a word to me. I'm just so angry right now.
"No! I love you! I just told you I was in the shower!" You cry. I can hear how fed up with this you are. I wish I was better... I wish I could be a better person for you. I wish I didn't get so angry at you... I really do love you... but I won't say that at least not yet. You haven't suffered enough I need to make you feel as miserable as I do!
"I kept calling you!" I'm hysterical now. "You wouldn't answer!" I know I just keep saying the same thing over and over but I can't stop. It's not me talking, something's taken over my body and I can't control it. I do whatever it wants me to I'm sorry.
I'm sobbing so hard and mumbling the same thing over and over again and you're cracking under the pressure trying to tell me that it's never going to happen again. Your an idiot why should you be apologizing? I'm going hysterical over nothing and yet you're apologizing to me?
The conversation, if that's what you can call it lasts for over an hour before you tell me that you're going to go get dressed and then come over. We'll talk face to face then. I'm a mess and I do nothing to fix myself. I just sit there holding my phone in my hands and whimper letting the tears out.
By the time you get here I'm crying all over again and all you do is just hold me. "It's ok, it's ok I love you." You whisper. "It'll never happen again I promise."
I'm not crying because you didn't answer. No, now I'm crying because I've hurt you. You have to be the one that apologizes. You have to be the one that I scream at and sometimes punch in the arm because you didn't answer me. You'll be the one to read those horrible text messages where I call you a jerk and then plead with you to answer my calls. You'll be the one that takes all of this abuse and then apologizes like its your fault.
I'm crying because I hate myself for doing this to you, for doing this to our relationship. I'm crying because sometimes I wish I was strong enough to just kill myself so you wouldn't have to put up with me. I'm crying because I love you so much that it hurts. You're my obsession, my everything, my whole world and if you were gone well there'd be no point to living.
Your arms are warm as they hold me tightly rocking me back and forth as I get snot and other fluids on your clean shirt. Your lifting my chin up and smiling at me telling me you're here now, to feel you in the flesh.
When you kiss me its amazing your tongue easily slides past my lips to dance with mine. We stay like that for a while just holding each other and kissing until we need something more. I shed my shirt and then help you shed yours.
When our lips are connected back together again in a hungry kiss I straddle your hips wrapping my arms tightly around you.
"Axel..." You whisper lying me down on the floor. Your quick to take my pants off sliding my boxers along with them.
"Roxas." I whisper back tears are still gathering in my eyes but I need this connection and you know it. So you just go along smiling even though it hasn't touched your eyes in weeks as I start on your pants as well.
When was the last time I saw the real Roxas? Probably when we first started dating... You were so full of life and look at you now. Look what I've dont to you. Look how much I've hurt you... and now after two years of hell with me your light that was guiding me through the darkness is gone. I want to release you so bad sometimes but I can't, I can't ever let you go... you're my obsession and I will do anything to keep you with me. To dominate you until you submit to me only... until you're mine.
When there off we get straight to it. Your prepared already grabbing the lube from your discarded pants and popping the lid. Fingers thoroughly coated you instruct me to lie down and spread my legs. So I do.
We've done this so many times that its routine. Tears are still running down my cheeks as you stretch me and I groan pulling your lips back to mine.
"Roxas... I love you..." I say against your lips.
"I love you to." It sounds so hollow but it works. Even if you're lying to me I don't care I still love you.
With the stretching done you coat your cock and press it up against my entrance. Arms wrapped around your neck you plunge inside and I moan in ecstasy. Rocking my hips you start pounding into me hard and fast just like I like it! Your moaning as my lips suck on patches of exposed skin.
When I get to your nipples you cry out in pleasure just as you hit my sweet spot. I'm seeing stars and I'm rocking my hips to the time of your thrusts as you reach between us to grab onto my aching erection and start pumping. We're close, so close. Emotionally we're thousands of miles apart from each other but right now physically we're connected.
The bond is severed when you arch your back and with one final thrust you cum. You never cease your motions though as your screaming my name and pounding into my sweet spot and tugging my erection until I cum just as hard.
Cleaning up you kiss me and smile but its so fake. We put our clothes on and just rest on the floor holding each other. Were lost to our own thoughts and I wonder when I'll finally push you away. Your cracking under the pressure I can tell, but I can't stop.
"Roxas." I whisper smoothing back sweaty hair. Your eyes that once shined like sapphire's have now dulled. You've become angry toward me and bitter.
"Yeah?" You say looking down and kissing my forehead.
"I love you Roxas." I smile genuine and really I do mean it.
"I love you to Axel."
In two weeks time though I'll ask you why you're acting so distant and you'll say everything is fine, don't worry. But I'll keep pestering you until finally you break and tell me you're not sure if you even love me anymore...
A/N: If you've finished and your now reading this congrats! I suffer from anxiety bad enough that I need medication for it and this is what I go through, well actually what I put my fiancee through. We're still together he's put up with me for almost 5 years now and the first 2 years before the doctors figured out what the hell was going on this is what he endured on a daily basis. He's a wonderful guy I love him with all my heart but this is me without my medication. It's just like this feeling just creeps up on me and I can feel it and it makes it hard to breathe.
I don't know why I wrote this but I fucking cried just about the whole time. I don't know maybe I just needed to get this shit off my chest. I don't talk about my personal life to anybody much because I'm afraid everyone's gonna think I'm crazy... and if this isn't fucking crazy I'll pay for it. Anywho so yeah I guess review and let me know what you think. Any questions your welcome to ask! I'm pretty open about a lot of things, I just don't talk about it if that makes any sense and writing this all out kinda helps me. So review.
xoxo Royal