Farewell
Dear Batman,
I've left you. I know that you know. I just walked quietly away without any drama this time. I think I have been unconsciously moving out of your life for years. I'm not angry and I don't hate you. I'm not running away. I'm simply breaking our pattern.
We don't have a good relationship. When I'm with you, I'm the boy wonder again. You're abusive and I allow you to abuse me. You have the spirit of a wounded eight-year old and don't know how to have mature, healthy relationships. I thought you would change if I encouraged you to be open with your feelings and took your crap. I was wrong. I don't blame you. I am responsible for my own choices. I chose to perform those useless self-sacrifices. I'm simply making different decisions now. The truth is that you're not going to change until you want to. I know I didn't do damn thing different until I wanted to change. Unfortunately, I'm changing now because I've lost too much.
Of course, this is about Tim. When you betrayed him to Stephanie, you permanently changed your partnership. You devastated his trust in you. Without trust, what could you have? What could you build? You had reasons. You always have reasons for everything you do. I know you always think everything through. You also drop bombs into our lives, leave us to live in the wreckage and then tell us your reasons later if at all. There is no good reason why you can't talk with us before you act. As Tim said, "Only you are interested in your reasons. You had reasons for firing Robin and then replaced Dick despite those reasons." I agree with him.
I betrayed Tim too. Instead of being supportive and listening to him, I wanted to prevent him from making the same mistakes with you that I had. I succeeded. He didn't throw you out of his life. He threw me out. I won't blame him. With his father and you in his life, he didn't need me handing him more crap. My betrayal hurt him more. Tim told me "I know the shit that Bruce hands you. I didn't think it wouldn't happen to me." He didn't expect it from me though.
I thought it was a good idea at the time. Tim attributed other motives to me. "You like to think you're different from him. You don't have a cape or utility belt so you're not like him. Your car doesn't look like a Batmobile so you're not like him. I could list dozens of other superficial ways that you're not like him." He may be right.
His rejection hurt me. I then turned to you for help with him– the man who I thought knew less about human relationships than I did. Despite knowing what you'd do, I still went to you. Not your fault. My decision. The World War and many of the events that followed were beyond anyone's power but a lot of choices were within our control. We made too many wrong ones. Now we're missing Tim. His father does too but I don't feel sorry for that jerk. He neglected his child for years and then sent Tim away again when he couldn't deal with his son's hostility. Jack wasted his second chance and Tim's not going to give him a third. Now Tim sometimes lives in the monastery with Conner. Sometimes he shares an apartment with Deathwing. Tim's happier without us.
Yes, this is also about Deathwing. I know that's not his name anymore but I can't think of him as Jason. I do think he's right. You took him home because you missed me. He adopted him because you should have adopted me. He became Robin because you were wrong to fire me. Time Trapper used him as my substitute because you had already trained him to replace me.
I didn't bond with him when he was Robin. I didn't treat him like a brother. I wasn't there for him. At eighteen, I found it easier to be in bed with Kory than within ten feet of you. I focused on my own hurt and ignored his. I resented him for replacing me. He's right that we're strangers.
He didn't disobey you. He didn't confront the Joker. He confronted his mom and she betrayed him. She smoked while he was being beaten with a crowbar. He tried to save her and couldn't. That hurts him.
"I sorry about the boy." Superman said that as defended the Joker from you. The World's Greatest Hero defended his brutal killer. That must hurt. Then you, Kal and me became close friends. That must hurt more. He doesn't want us in his life. I can't blame him.
After Time Trapper, he became an insane pawn to a possessed Raven. He now has a child by a woman who rejects him. No need to wonder why he's bitter. He was jealous of Tim. Why wouldn't he be? Not only was Tim the better Robin but he got everything compared to him. They seem to be healing each other. I feel I've been replaced. I'm sure that hurts you too. I know I digress but we never really talked about any of this. Now we won't. Not anytime soon.
I'm not looking forward to the next meeting of JLA and Titans. The League knows you created new countermeasures while you were away. Do they realize that Ra's or another enemy could use them again? Do you? Kal, your only friend, seems to be tiring of the strain you put on that friendship. Barbara won't speak to you outside the League. The other Leaguers mostly dislike you. I can't imagine how he found out but Rayner's right about your plotting to blind him when you last made small talk. Poor Kyle thought you were finally being friendly. The truth must have hurt almost as much as the helplessness. I still can't believe that he had the balls to say what he did to you. Of course, the policy of no more surprises doesn't mean that you're all friends. Please realize all this is the result of your choices.
Alfred was right to leave. He was preventing your maturing. I think we're preventing each other from growing up. I won't return your calls. I don't talk. I won't come to Gotham. I'm staying in Bludhaven, in the Titans, in the B.P.D. and in my own life. I won't be home for Christmas. I'm saying goodbye for now.
I'm not going to mail this letter. I don't have to. I know you visit my apartment when I'm out. I know we'll meet again. I hope I'll have grown up. I hope you will. I know I rambled. This wasn't easy.
Love,
Dick