Home. I was home.
I was grief stricken the first few days. Overwhelmed with the feeling, finally letting myself deal with what I'd done to get him back. I wanted to put the blame on Amarantha, but it wasn't solely her. Sure, she had tortured Clare Beddor to death but I was the one who gave up her name, I was the one who condemned her to a fate that should have been mine. Amarantha's final task for me was the hardest; having to kill the two faeries in cold blood. I could never erase their faces from my mind. It was the only way to free them at the time. I couldn't help the tinge of regret I felt every time I thought if only I had solved her riddle sooner. But then Lucien would tell me that it wasn't meant to be that way. I didn't want to listen, though a part of me believed him.
I spent my first week re-exploring the grounds of the Spring Court in silence. Sometimes Tamlin would accompany me, other times it was Lucien. Neither pressured me to speak. It took some time adjusting to my new body in a place I had previously known only in my human body. Although my heart and my mind remained human, it was like looking and feeling through someone else. I would feel the grass through my fingers or climb a tree to scan the scenery around me. Everything was the same yet different, simply because I was different. And it was harder to stomach simply because I had been saved, changed—to continue my life not as a human but as a High Fae—after everything that I had done. Coming to terms with myself was the greatest challenge. I couldn't have done it without Tamlin. He was my tether, holding me to this life.
I fell into routine quickly—spending my days exploring the grounds and my evenings dining with Tam and Lucien. At first Lucien would excuse himself but I wanted him there, not to distract me from Tamlin, but to make it feel more normal. I couldn't stop staring at them the first night we sat for dinner. Tamlin thought he had something on his face, but I apologized, stating that the last time we sat there like that, it was after Summer Solstice, Tamlin and I couldn't stop staring at each other, leaving Lucien awkwardly trying to stomach his food, and then Rhysand had come to ruin everything. It was also the first meal at the Spring Court that I got to see their faces unmasked.
My nights were spent with Tamlin, alone. We shared a bedroom. For the first time, we got to explore each other's body in peace, without the looming threat over our heads. True, we'd laid together Under the Mountain, but this was different, this was home and he was free.
I couldn't enter my paint room, although Tamlin had insisted it was exactly as I'd left it. I couldn't bear it because I knew exactly what I would paint. Instead I was content to distract myself with my High Lord and his estate.
"I love that sound," said Tamlin, smiling between my breasts, referring to the giggle that had just escaped my throat. My tunic remained a barrier between us and we lay tangled under the willow tree, watching Alis's nephews wrestling in the meadow below.
My hand tangled in his hair and Tamlin growled. "Marry me, Feyre" he said and my hand stopped in his hair.
"Tam—I. Yes."
Full of excitement he pushed me flat against the grass, kissing me, his tongue entering my mouth. I couldn't get enough of tasting him.
"I. Love. You," he said between kisses.
We were married the next day under the willow tree with the entire Spring Court to bear witness. I wore a dress of golden lace and tulle, matching Tamlin's golden attire. I couldn't take my eyes from his green ones, the crowd forgotten as we said our vows.
We made love that night as husband and wife.
A month had passed since we returned from under the mountain. I woke early, the sun not yet risen and Tamlin wrapped around me. I untangled myself, turning to him to place a kiss on his lips. He didn't stir. Taking the bed sheet with me, I wandered down the quiet hall, candle in one hand. I soon found myself facing the door to my painting room. Apprehensively I turned the knob and opened the door. Stepping inside I placed the candle down and found an empty canvas, placing it on the easel. I stared at it for several moments, gathering the courage, until finally I reached for the paint.
The sun was shining when I smelled him. A moment later I sensed his presence behind. He slowly stepped into the room. I said nothing but I stopped painting as he came around to look at the canvases drying around me. He paused at each one, not looking at me as he appraised them. The first one was of Amarantha; I painted her atop her throne, her hand on the knee of the figure next to her. Tamlin made no comment as he moved to the next canvas. It was of my first task, hunting the worm. The first time time I got a look at it and the rows of teeth in its mouth. The next was of Lucien and the ceiling threatening to impale him. Tamlin shook his head then moved to the next canvas. It was the start of my third task, when the three hooded faeries were brought in front of me. He moved on quickly to the next, a portrait of the first faerie, after the hood was removed. The next was also a portrait, the female faerie praying, willing me to finish the deed quickly. The next painting was of Tamlin pinning Amarantha to the wall, the sword in her head and his jaw around her throat. Tamlin stepped away to look at me.
"How?"
I knew instantly he wanted to know how I had seen him kill her when I was already dead, Amarantha having snapped my neck moments before.
"I saw through someone else's eyes."
Tamlin turned and glanced at the next canvas. Rhysand's bloodied face. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. I couldn't help but glance at my tattooed arm, reminding me of my bargain with the High Lord of the Night Court.
When I looked to Tamlin again, I saw the tension in his naked back muscles and wanted to smooth it away. I stood, letting the bed sheet fall away from me. I was naked as I wrapped my arms around him. He relaxed, but only fractionally. I went around to his front.
"Tamlin, look at me."
He stared past me, at the painting.
"Look at me," I urged. My hand went to his cheek and I pulled his face to me. Slowly his eyes lowered to meet my gaze. "You haven't seen the last one," I said. There was another canvas, one that followed the portrait of Rhysand, but that wasn't the one I was referring to. He didn't need to see himself holding my broken body as the High Lords crowded around him. That wouldn't help his current state. Since we returned, I had been so consumed with my own pain, I never considered his. I can't imagine what he felt seeing me that way. I shuddered at the thought.
His eyebrows drew together but I stepped away to grab his hand and tugged him to the easel, to the canvas I was painting when he walked in. His breath caught in his throat as he saw it. It was a portrait of him—the moment I laid eyes on his unmasked face. It was the first time I let him see how I painted him. His reaction was the same as my own when I first saw him—that he looked exactly as I dreamed and more.
He possessed me then, taking me there, in my painting room. With a wave of his hand, the door closed, keeping us from prying eyes. He laid me down on the bed sheet. My arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him to me, possessing his mouth with the same fierceness that radiated off of him. One of his hands were at my breast while the other pressed the base of my spine, pushing me into him. I reached down to undo the ties of his pants.
"Feyre," he growled into my mouth.
"I need you now," I moaned. He needed me just the same.
I pushed the fabric of his pants from his hips, freeing him. He sheathed himself inside me, making me gasp.
Somehow we found ourselves in our bedchamber, a tangle of limbs. Tamlin's teeth nipping at my shoulder.
With half the day gone, we reluctantly bathed then dressed to meet Lucien for dinner. He rolled his eyes at us upon our arrival.
"Must be nice not to have any responsibilities," he chided. "Oh wait, you're still the High Lord of this court and I am simply your emissary," he directed at Tamlin who growled in response. Lucien shook his head then turned to me. "If you think you can spare him for a few moments after dinner, there are matters that require his attention."
"By all means," I said, unable to keep the smile from my face. "Just don't keep him too long, I haven't had my fill of him yet." My gaze shifted to Tamlin.
"Oh, my love, I hope you never do."
Lucien muttered, feigning disgust but I was too distracted by my High Lord's eyes on me to care.
The next morning I felt Tamlin rise, not daring to open my eyes. The bed dipped as he leaned to kiss my forehead.
"I'll be back soon." I nuzzled against his lips.
When I finally sat up I was overcome with dizziness and nausea. Alis was preparing my morning bath when she saw me cupping my mouth.
"What is it, Feyre?"
I pushed the nausea away. "I think I'm going to be sick." It rose again.
"Oh, dear," she said and retrieved a bucket just before I retched up the contents of my stomach.
After I'd wiped my mouth clean, I looked up to see the bark colored faerie staring at me with her hand at her throat.
"What? What's wrong? I demanded from the nausea and frustration.
"Nothing, nothing at all."
"Then why are you looking at me like that?"
"Oh, Feyre, I believe you're with child."
My eyes widened.
I was sitting down for lunch in the dining room when Tamlin and Lucien returned. Seated at the head of the table I stared at the plate of food in front of me. Tamlin kissed my forehead then took his seat across from me and Lucien sat between us, serving himself. Tamlin tilted his head to the side. "What is it Feyre?"
I shook my head. "I'm not hungry is all." Not here, not now. I had spent the morning deciding how to tell him and I still didn't know. What was it so hard? "I had a full breakfast," I lied and Tamlin knew it but he didn't press me.
That evening in our bedchamber, I stood at the window looking at the garden below. Tamlin had more business to attend to after lunch and I took it as a reprieve, more time to decide how to tell him. When I was human, I made sure to take precautions, neither my family or Isaac's could afford another mouth to feed. I never forgot what Alis had said about faeries, that children were so uncommon lately. Being in this new body, I suppose, somehow the prospect of children had gone to the back of my mind. Tamlin and I had never discussed it. He adored Alis's nephews but I had no idea if he had any desire to father his own and I'd never given it a moment's thought either.
I sensed his presence before he reached the room. I never tired of that, smelling him, hearing him, sensing his presence before I laid eyes on him. The first smile to reach my lips all day and it didn't even reach my eyes. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his mouth going to the place where my neck met my shoulder, the place he'd bit me on Fire Night. I fought the urge to melt into him
"Your smell is intoxicating. Do you know how distracted I was in my meeting, knowing that you were up here all alone, smelling so potent."
"You could have joined me, forgoing your meeting altogether." Tamlin growled at the pulse point in my neck.
"It was very tempting indeed." He nuzzled against my jaw, his hands exploring, pulling at my loose fitting dress. His hand cupped between my legs through the fabric of my gown. I swatted his hand away.
Tamlin sighed. "You've been in a mood all day. Is everything alright?"
I released the breath I hadn't realized I was holding and then turned to him, one of his arms still wrapped around me. "I received some news of my own today."
He looked at me expectantly. And then a darkness crossed over his features. I knew exactly what he was thinking.
"No," I shook my head. "It wasn't Rhysand."
"Then what is it?" His free hand cupped my cheek and I leaned into the touch. "Tell me, please. The smell of you is driving me mad and I'm afraid of what I might do."
For the second time today, my smile didn't reach my eyes.
"Feyre..." He said my name with such intimacy.
"I was sick today when I woke," I finally said, my voice low enough to be a whisper but I knew he'd heard me regardless. His eyebrow raised. Resting my hand over his on my cheek, I couldn't look at him. Staring at nothing in particular, I said, "Alis said that I'm with child and...well, it's been confirmed and I've been terrified all day about how you would feel about this."
His face was devoid of emotion. He simply looked at me.
"Tamlin, say something, please." He just looked at me. "Tam?"
"It's been centuries since a child was born at Spring Court," he uttered. Not that. Well, I had begged him to say something but that was not what I meant.
His hand that was wrapped around me moved suddenly to rest on my belly. His gaze also shifted, staring at his hand there. I watched his face. "A child," he said, "Our child."
I nodded, though he wasn't looking at my face. He dropped to his knees suddenly, moving his hand and kissing my belly through my gown. When he finally looked up at me he was smiling from ear to ear. I couldn't have stopped my returning smile from spreading as equally even if I wanted to. There was such joy in him, it filled me too.
That night, I sat up in bed, naked, with Tamlin between my legs, kissing my flat belly.
"I'm not even showing yet," I said.
"So. Our child will be loved, deeply and wholeheartedly loved."
I tangled my hands in his hair. By the Cauldron, I loved this man.
The next day, I sat in my painting room in front of the easel to finish my portrait of Tamlin from the other day. I felt a pull, one I hadn't felt since Under the Mountain. I looked up to see Rhysand outside the window. With our gazes locked, he materialized through the glass and into the room. Taking in the space, he let out a whistle.
"I had no idea you paint."
I put down the paintbrush and my pallet. "There's a great deal about me you don't know."
He went around the room, stopping at the portrait of himself. "Hmm. You could have at least painted me at one of my finer moments." Looking at me he added, "Like that time in the hall outside the throne room when I kissed you."
"You call that a finer moment?"
"Well, I did do it to save your precious Tamlin from Amarantha's wrath." I closed my eyes at her name. "But I can't say that I didn't enjoy it."
"What do you want, Rhysand?"
"You know exactly why I'm here. Now, I've let you have you month undisturbed by me, but I wish to claim my week for this month starting today."
I stood up and turned to him fully, my hand resting at my belly. "I don't think it'll be what you hoped."
At that he looked at me, really looked at me. He even took in the air. His head tilted to the side and his gaze shifted from my face to my belly. "Well, that certainly complicates things."