In which Loki makes toffee, Tony tries to help, and Thor and Steve find out something they rather wouldn't have.
I own nothing
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Let's set the scene for this lovely day; it's sunny outside – so much so our heroes would rather sit inside and Loki, who has been a part of the avengers for the better half of a year, wants to satisfy his sweet tooth by cooking up some toffee. It all goes downhill from there…
"And then-" Bruce stopped his conversation with Tony as they entered the kitchen in light of what he saw, "What are you guys doing?"
Clint, shirtless, was sitting at the bench and Loki, also shirtless, was on the other side of the bench with vinegar in one hand and a saucepan in the other. Music was being played over the speakers which adorned every room of the house; currently playing a phat beat remix of 'cinema' by Benni Bennassi.
"Yeah," Tony says, eyeing them warily, "What is going on in here?"
"Relax Tony," Clint started as Loki returned to pouring the vinegar in the pot, "Nothing suss going on here – I'm not trying to seduce your boyfriend."
"Well that's good to know," he picked his pace back up, Bruce following and they entered the room, "But what's going on?"
"Well, Loki's ma-" Clint cut himself off as both he and Loki sang along with the chorus; you are, a cinema, I could watch you forever, action, thriller, I could watch you forever, you are a cinema, a Hollywood treasure, love you just the way you are, a cinema! Loki kept up the 'a cinema' whilst Clint changed to 'Get up get down, three steps down, my DJ gonna break it down' until finally Loki says, in a lower voice than usual; 'drop the base'. Clint's words are accompanied by ridiculous dance moves, as clearly neither of the singers particularly care what they look like, while Loki just has to be content bobbing his legs while he mixes whatever's in the pot.
"-making toffee." Clint continued like nothing had happened.
"And that requires you to be shirtless why?" Tony comes around the corner to look over Loki's shoulder (hard to do – he has to stand on his tiptoes) to look in the pot at the sugar, water and vinegar, "And how the hell do you know how to make toffee anyway?"
"We just came back from training," Loki says, flicking on the stove, "And you can blame Bruce for my knowledge." Tony turns to face said man.
"…Remember that day Loki had way too much energy and ended up making the plants overgrow and the next day Steve and Thor were pestering you about why you had that massive limp? Yeah I gave him like 25 toffees that day."
"Oh, well by all means, toffee ahead." Tony says enthusiastically, wrapping an arm around Loki's waist and planting a kiss on his cheek.
"Aw, you guys are so cute," Natasha says as she walks in, taking the seat between Bruce and Clint and unabashedly checking out Tony's boyfriend; as she does with every male in the house. What, she's a woman, as if she's not going to. They're all used to it by now anyway. "What's he making?"
"Toffee." Clint supplies while Tony turns to take juice out of the fridge and picks up enough glasses for all of them.
"Oho! We all know what happened last time – I suggest not letting him eat them all this time 'round." Loki threw her a wink and she laughed, "What type of toffee are you making?" They all turned to the god for the answer.
"Stickyjaw!" he said with excitement as he mixed the almost fully dissolved liquid.
"What's the difference?" Tony asks
"You cook stickyjaw for a shorter amount of time." Clint answers before picking up his drink.
"Other than that they're exactly the same." Bruce puts in, knowing what Tony was really asking.
"So the side effects should be the same." Loki gives him a huge grin, but the comment makes Tony spit his juice everywhere.
"That's uh, that's good to know." Tony says, wiping down the counter and Loki puts the spoon aside and leaves the concoction boiling.
"Why don't you magic the toffee done?" Clint asks.
"Because I don't wanna risk it." Loki answers.
"Risk the flavour or the effects?" Clint narrows his eyes and receives a shove from Natasha.
"Both," Loki says, taking it in stride and smirking once again. For this Tony kicks his legs out from under the god. The trio sitting watch as Loki tumbles to the floor but they don't hear the sound of his connection.
This would be because he's floating.
Loki puts his hands behind his head and stretches out so he floats around as though he were laying down, laughing at Tony's shocked expression. He levitates up to Tony's head height and rolls over so his back face the roof, planting a quick kiss on his lips before flipping over Tony's head and levitating on his back again.
Bruce and Clint look at each other quickly over the top of Natasha's head before snapping their attention back to the floating god.
"How long till the toffees done?" Clint asks
"'Bout 10 minutes." Loki replies watching them from counter height. Apparently Bruce and Clint have the same idea as they both launch off their respective chairs and run at Loki. Bruce, being closer, gets there first.
He does a running jump and bellyflops across the god's stomach, which, in hindsight, probably wasn't the best idea as they dip dangerously a plummet to the floor. Loki's training kicks in quickly and they soon return to the level he started at. Bruce uses the opportunity to pull himself up and sit on him like he would a bench.
Loki just laughs.
"Hey, no fair!" Clint cries, "I thought of it first." He grabs Bruce's arm and tugs.
"No, stop! You're gonna make me fall! No, you're tipping us, nooo!" his voice increases in pitch the longer he speaks. Bruce secures on of his hands on Loki's side behind him so that Clint's pulling doesn't tug him forward. He spares a glance to the god he's sitting on and Loki makes a 'grab tight' motion. Due to this, Bruce twists his hand and clasps Clint's arm, just in time too because they're rising and now the archer is squealing like a little girl as he dangles eight feet in the air.
Tony moves around the bench to take a seat next to Natasha and they both look up to watch their other halves and the scientist.
"Real mature guys," He shouts up at them.
"You're just jealous coz you're stuck down there." Bruce replies and Loki just smirks down at the grounded pair.
"I'll trade with you Tony," Clint says somewhat desperately, and then even more so; "Natasha?"
"Stop squirming," Bruce reprimands, "Or I'm going to drop you."
"No don't drop me, no please, don't do it, no!" Clint's voice is amazingly high for a man of his age.
"Here," Loki says, taking a grip of hawkeye's arm and allowing Bruce to stop straining.
"Don't you dare drop me," Clint glares at his new holder, "Or I'll stick another arrow in your eye."
"Yeah, coz that did so much last time." Loki rolls his eyes and in turn, rolls over, making Bruce drop.
"Nuuuuu!" he screams until his descent is stopped by Loki's sure grip. Now holding both aloof he floats up until his back hits the ceiling and he can go no higher.
"Let's have an exercise in trust shall we?" Loki taunts and lifts the two until their hands come in contact with bars that never normally grace the surface. The trickster floats away as they hold on and leaves them up there.
"Hey, Peter pan!" Clint calls down to the still flying god, "What the hell do you think you're doing? How the hell am I supposed to get down from here?" He looked extremely panicky while Bruce just looked as though he was concentrating on not losing his grip.
"Well, one way would be to let go." He responds, floating over to Tony and Natasha.
"You seriously can't expect me to just let go – I don't want to shatter my legs."
"Someone will catch you." Loki supplies unhelpfully.
"Hey!" Natasha shouts, having an idea, "You could totally pull off the spiderman kiss like that! I've always wanted to do that!"
"I would oblige, Ms Romanof," Loki answers politely, "But I'm afraid Anthony would not approve."
"Damn right." Tony put in, leaning down to perform a somewhat horizontal version of said spiderman kiss.
"Dammit Tony! Make your boyfriend get us down!" Clint yelled from the ceiling.
"Tell you what," Loki floated closer to Natasha, "If you can convince Clint to let go, I'll give you the means to perform the spiderman kiss." The words tumbled of his lips silkily and Tony knew he was going to have his way.
"TONY!" Clint cried from the roof.
"Fine, fine. Loki, let them down."
"Nu-uh" Loki chided, "Ms Romanof has a decision to make. What say you, Blackwidow? Can you perform this one, menial task?" the words were laden with challenge and Tony could practically see the moment Natasha bends to his will.
"I can get him to drop." She says and Loki replies with a 'very well.' And one of those killer smirks that has everyone melting, stable relationship or not.
"No! Natasha! What are you doing?" Clint cries down at them.
"I would let you both down," Loki calls up, "But Ms Romanof has made such an action ineffable. I shall, however, help as much as I can." And with that the bar Bruce was holding onto disappeared. Bruce fell to the ground and for a worrying moment Tony thought he would have to clean the floor.
Bruce felt much the same with the sickening sight of the floor coming ever nearer.
The air caught him at the last moment before righting his form and setting him gently on the ground. Bruce looked down at himself and opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a huff of laughter before his face turned up in a smile. Loki looked at the toffee and back to Natasha; "You have five minutes." She got to work straight away.
Loki, Tony and Bruce spread out the cake tins for the toffee to go into. Natasha had one minute left and was regressing to using things such as; "You'll miss out on the toffee" which soon turned to "If you don't get down we're not having sex for a week – I don't care how horny the sounds these two will make get you – no sex, do you hear me?" Clint responded with things like; "But I'm going to die" and "he's not even paying attention – he won't catch me!" To which Natasha then responded; "Trust exercise, remember?"
Finally Loki relented and gave Natasha some help, "Don't worry; this still counts as your work," he says to her before he begins, "If you don't come down in the next 45 seconds, Natasha's joining Tony and I tonight and you can hang there until I get distracted enough that the bar you're clinging to disappears; You're choice." And with that he turns away again, not even bothering to face the archer and wait for an answer. He also hands Natasha a bag of balls which she starts lobbing.
"Natasha wouldn't – ow, What the hell woman! Stop – ow – stop throwing them! You're making me fall!" Bruce took up a spot next to Natasha and started chanting; 'drop, drop, drop' over and over again whilst Loki backed Tony into a corner in the kitchen and muttered obscene things in his ear.
Loki had a counter going in his head, and so he knew that Clint only had 18 seconds left when he fell. He let the air catch him just as he had done Bruce and turned to face Natasha, "You have 24 hours," and then with a shark-like grin, "Enjoy." He would explain to her later if need be, but for now, the toffee was done.
They all crowded into the space and Loki held the huge pot up with one hand (that would have strained way too much on any of their human limbs) and used one with a spoon to fill the patty's, the others grabbing a spoon and doing the same.
Once they were done and the pot was soaking Tony just looked at them. "What now?" he asks.
"We wait." Bruce, who is spinning in his breakfast bar chair responds.
"Why?" that was most certainly not a whine.
"For them to cool." Natasha chastises.
"This, I have no problem with." Loki says, laying his hands flat against the counter and they all have enough foresight to pull their own away and avoid frostbite. The cool creeps along the counter and after only a moment Loki snatches one up and puts it in his mouth.
They watch him with raised eyebrows which say; 'are they done?'
Loki just bobs his head a few times before ripping his jaw open slowly and they can see the toffee holding his teeth together. "Duneedit" Loki says, waving his arms over them when Clint reaches for one in warning, "Waidilldeywar"
They all look at him with confused expression and he bobs his head and waves his arms in small circles, gesturing that he's trying to eat it and he wishes it would hurry up, putting extra effort into chewing through the toffee to get his words across.
Regardless, they get that they can't eat them yet, and Tony laughs and says; "Here, let me help you with that."
"I don't think that's a good idea." Bruce warns.
"Whatever," Tony waves a hand dismissively.
"No really Tony." Clint backs him up.
"Yeah no Tony, I agree with them; that's a monumentally bad idea."
"It'll be fine," he says and even Loki manages out a little 'don' shaking his head, but Tony, arrogant as always just grabs his face and presses their lips together.
Which soon becomes pressing tongues together.
Which in turn becomes toffee passing between them.
This results, of course, in them being stuck together. Tony suddenly understands why they thought it was a bad idea.
Loki laughs around their melded mouths at the situation and runs his hands down Tony's side; he doesn't know where else to put them. Tony makes a distressed noise and slaps at his bicep once.
Clint, Natasha and Bruce can't stop laughing – of all the stupid things Tony has done, this has to be the most humorous.
Tony, who is surprisingly the one in the couple to draw the PDA lines and call indecency, finds that Loki has decided to take advantage of their situation and is sliding his hands down and over his ass. Again, he slaps the god, but Loki just gives the trio sitting at the bench a thumbs up which causes them to laugh harder.
Loki, mind you, would probably screw his brains out in front of the world if Tony didn't stop him – he just doesn't care over that type of thing, and so when said god keeps us with his wandering hands Tony fights back the only way he knows how; shoving him. Too bad the toffee is incredibly strong and is still holding them together, so the shove makes them both fall back into the fridge with a strong stumble and Loki is now pinned under Tony. He can hear movement behind him, but he's really in no position to see what's going on.
Natasha scrubbed her hand over her face in amusement as Loki sends them the thumbs up and continues to almost molest him as usual. It's damn funny and Tony shove shim for it. The three laugh even harder as they connect with the fridge giving a resounding thunk. If she was Loki, she'd be taking advantage too. Hell, they all would and they would all understand just how funny it was.
All of them, except, the two that were just now stepping of the elevator that is.
Thor and Steve.
Oops.
Such a shame too, Tony was just starting to enjoy himself.
"MAN OF IRON!" Thor shouted loudly and Tony immediately began flailing his arms against any solid surface possible in his bid to separate their mouths. So maybe Thor and Steve didn't know they had this thing going on. It's not like it had been going on long. Okay, lie; it had been going on for over six months, and Bruce had known from day one (perceptive bugger) while Natasha and Clint found out a week or two later (Spy's – can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em) but the point is, between the five of them they hadn't figured out a way to break it to Thor or Steve without someone dying. "UNHAND MY BROTHER!" he commanded, raising his hammer and stepping forward. Tony could just see him out of the corner of his eye. Bruce stepped between the thunder god and the currently occupied pair.
"What's going on here?" Steve asked in a creepily calm voice.
"YES! WHAT IS TRANSPIRING?" Thor was still yelling.
"Look, uh," Bruce started to try to explain, but was interrupted.
"GET OUT OF MY WAY! TONY STARK, RELEASE MY BROTHER OR DIE!" it was a brutal roar filled with intent and Natasha was humbled and filled with warmth at the way Loki reacts; pushing Tony by the hips until he's backed against a different surface and placing himself between his brother and his lover.
"Tony, this is completely inappropriate," Steve chastises, "Stop this now." His face is red, but he's completely serious.
"Guys," Clint says stepping forward, "They can't separate," he holds his hands out in a placating gesture, "Their stuck like that for now."
"WHAT!" Thor booms, stepping forward, "I WILL SEPARATE THEM MYSELF!" he says once he is again blocked by Bruce and Clint.
"I agree; this is just… I have no words." Disgust obvious on his face.
"Hey now!" Natasha jumps in, "Just because you don't like it! I don't care who you are, where you're from, or when you're from; that is absolutely fine." She throws her arm back to gesture at them. Somehow this has turned into an ethical debate.
"But it's-" Steve starts again
"Hey!" Natasha clicks her fingers in his face threateningly, "There is no room for homophobes here, and there's nothing you can do here either. So both of you- BOTH OF YOU- will go and sit down on that couch until the toffee melts and they can separate, alright?" she has this steel look in her eyes that even makes Thor reconsider his action and the two make their way to the lounge.
Back in the kitchen, the toffee is finally starting to give way to all of the saliva that's gathered in their mouths. Loki tries to work his jaw to get the toffee to release, but it mostly results in furious making out and so he opts for that instead. The result is the same.
"This is your fault you know," Loki says when they can finally part, "We all told you it was a bad idea."
"If I remember correctly; you said 'don' and flapped your arms around."
"You knew exactly what I meant," he said, shuffling closer so their hips were pressed together, "You always know exactly what I mean." He references to all the times he's told Tony he wants to fuck-his-brains-out-right-the-fuck-now-so-you'd-better-take-us-somewhere-or-we're-doing-it-right-fucking-here in code.
"LOKI! I CAN HEAR YOU!" Thor shouts from where he is seated, view blocked by a wall of flesh created by Bruce, Clint and Natasha.
"Shut up Thor!" Loki yells back with a surprising amount of venom, "I still have toffee in my teeth!" he turns his head back to Tony, "Want to help me get it out?" he asks with the cutest face and Tony can't help but agree.
It takes another good 5 to 10 minutes of solid making out (some of which was not focussed on toffee removal) before they headed for the lounge.
"TONY STARK!" Thor roars as they come into view, apparently still outraged. "YOU SULLY MY BROTHER'S NAME WITH DISGRACIOUS ACTS!"
"Woah woah woah, slow down big-guy. No sullying here done by me." Tony crosses his arms in a no motion. He's relieved that it takes Thor's glare away from him, but is soon alarmed at where it is directed.
"BROTHER! YOU SULLY THE MAN OF IRON THEN!" he stands abruptly and hefts his hammer, "I CANNOT ALLOW IT!" he brings his hammer down and Loki only has time to widen his eyes before the hammer hits him.
Or passes through him, as the case may be, and leaves a sizable dent in the floor. Loki then lifts his foot and places it down on top of the hammer which grounds it when Thor tries to lift in again.
"I assure you; it was not I that initiated the contact." Loki crosses his arms over his chest and keeps the one foot steadily planted on the weapon to stop it from lifting.
"Wait, so who did what?" Steve asks, face red from anger and embarrassment; he still doesn't get this whole guyxguy thing.
"Loki had toffee stuck in his mouth, so I offered to help him out, with my mouth. They all told me not to, but I didn't listen, hence, why we were stuck together." Tony explains the situation.
"THEN IT WAS YOU WHO SULLY MY BROTHER!" Thor cries trying to rip the hammer up again, but the attempt is again thwarted by Loki's foot.
"No, I didn't sully-"
"HE TOLD YOU NOT TO?"
"Well yes, but that's out of context, I-"
"THEN YOU SULLY MY BROTHER!" Thor gives up his plight with the hammer and instead rounds on Stark with ease, fist flying.
Loki catches it and twists until Thor falls to the ground. Unfortunately, he takes his foot off the hammer with this action. Thor picks it up and advances towards a retreating Tony. Loki again intercepts, butterfly kicking the older gods arm and forcing the hammer to fly from his grip. Thor tries to kick back but Loki sends him stumbling back with a soft blow from his magic.
"GET OUT OF THE WAY BROTHER! I WILL AVENGE YOUR HONOUR!" Thor raged.
"THOR, YOU ARE SO THICK SOME DAYS I THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER TO PUNCH A HOLE IN YOUR HAMMER THAN GET THROUGH YOUR SKULL!" Loki roars back with just as much rage; no-one tries to kill his boyfriend but him. It had been the downfall of many of their enemies.
"THE MAN OF IRON MUST PAY FOR HIS ACTIONS!"
"BY THE NINE THOR! YOUR ACTIONS ARE UNHEEDED!"
"MY ACTIONS ARE UNHEEDED? HIS ACTIONS WERE UNHEEDED! HE W-"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-" Loki cuts himself of as he spins and drags Tony towards him, smashing their lips together and lets go only once Tony responds. When they look back to the opposing duo the faces they observed couldn't be more different.
Thor's was completely shocked.
Steve's was completely disgusted. Although there was a decent amount of shock there too.
"Okay, okay," Steve started, "I understand that I'm from a different time and everything, but come on; that's just gross."
"Rogers, you can take your conceded opinions and shove them up you-"
"HEY! Woah Lokes, calming down for a second." Tony stopped his boyfriend before things got out of hand.
"While I do not understand what is happening here, and the thought of it irks me, I shall honour your choices brother." Thor says, clearly more concerned with his brothers opinion than the fact that two men just made out, something apparently not condoned on Asgard. Thank god for Thor's brother complex.
"Good." Loki ground out and then turned a look that could combust on Steve. He may have cringed a little.
"I- I agree with Thor. I just- nevermind – I agree with Thor." Steve squeaked under the pressure while Clint, Bruce and Natasha stood warily by the sidelines ready to rush in incase another fight broke out.
"Good, now." Loki says, rubbing his hands together, "Who wants toffee?"
Natasha, Clint and Bruce had to take Thor and Steve out that night: they thought the noises that permeated the walls were going to be a little too harsh on their minds.
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I hav no idea…
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