Disclaimer: Most of these things don't belong to me, unless I'm J.K. Rowling and no one told me. In which case, some one owes me a lot of money.
A Nice Chat Headmaster
Hello Dumbledore, I see you've woken up.
Why are you tied up? Why I would have thought that was obvious. It's so you don't get away. Now that you're conscious, we can have a little chat.
What? Why has nine year old Harry tied you up? Tell you what, I'll answer that question after you answer mine. Why are you here at my aunt and uncles house? I mean, nothing should appear out of the ordinary in nice, normal suburbia. So imagine my surprise when you show up on the front walkway. How did you know today is special?
You have instruments watching this house? Why am I surprised: you always did like monitoring everything. It makes controlling things so much easier, doesn't it Albus Brian Wolferic Fucking Dumbledore. I bet the instrument showed a large magical disturbance?
You're nodding. Good. I thought you would be more trouble. Well, you answered my question, so I should answer your question. I may look like a little nine year old, but I assure you I am not.
Po-poly juice potion? No. You sound stupid Dumbledore, broaden your mind, think about what I said.
Haven't figured it out, well, I'll-
DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO USE LEGINAMCY ON ME. YOU SHALL NOT TOUCH MY MIND!!!! CRUCIO!!!!!
Bellatrix tried to tell me you need to want to cause pain. She was partially right. You also have to experience pain. A pain worse then death. Death, just the next great adventure, so why are you shaking?
I'm a d-d-dark wizard? What is Dark? Dark and Light are the same. The only difference is light tells itself it does evil out of necessity. Dark doesn't lie to itself.
Why are your eyes darting to the windows? Are you tired of our talk already? But you haven't even uncovered my secret yet. Who am I if I'm not nine year old Harry Potter?
Riddle? You think I'm Voldemort? Don't make me laugh. Voldemort would have killed you by now or challenged you to a duel. He always was one for theatrics. So who am I?
Giving up already? I'm not actually that surprised. The second there's a chance of you losing, you do give up. I'll help you. I'm a person who has done things none else has done before. I survived the killing curse as a baby from a Dark Lord.
I didn't say I wasn't Harry Potter. I said I wasn't nine year old Harry Potter. I, in fact, am sixteen. Have you figured it out?
Very good! Time travel, an impossibility of course, but when has that stopped me?
Why did I travel? Like everything else in my life, I didn't have a say in the matter. It's actually a long and complicated story, but where are you going to go?
Our story begins fifty years ago when a certain transfiguration teacher visited a certain muggle orphanage. That certain transfiguration teacher was there to talk to a special little boy about attending a special school where he would learn to do magic. It seems like a story out of a fairy tale, right? Well here's where the story gets interesting. This child had shown signs of bullying and, quite frankly, psychosis. You should have noticed something was amiss. What kind of eleven year old hangs another child's pet rabbit? Surely that should have rung a warning bell, but that certain transfiguration teacher let the boy off with a warning. That certain transfiguration teacher supposedly kept a close eye on that student. The world was safe, for that certain transfiguration teacher has been described as knowing everything that happens at Hogwarts. So why didn't that certain teacher notice when that certain boy split his soul? Why didn't that certain teacher notice when that student opened the chamber of secrets? So why Dumbledore; why did you not realize that boy was growing into a dark lord? The signs are all there, so what did you do nothing?
Stop crying you Headmaster. It's not very fitting of Britain's grandfather.
So, you had a hand in raising a dark lord. Good job. Give yourself a pat on the back.
The next part of our story begins when a prophecy is made linking an infant boy with Voldemort. Now how did the brave, wise man Dumbledore see fit to protect this child? He decided that a secret keeper was necessary. Now let me remind you this was a time when the Order knew there was a traitor among them. Out of the whole Order, you managed to pick the only traitor.
Don't you dare try to blame my parents or godfather!!! You could have performed Legilimency on Wormtail. But you didn't. Then you knew Sirius Black was innocent. Why is he rotting in Azkaban? Well?! Are you going to say anything?
Come on. Justify yourself. Try to blind me with pretty words. Make me feel bad for you. Spin the story. Make yourself the good guy. I'm waiting.
No words out of you, just more tears. Fine. I'll just continue my story. I believe we were at that fateful Halloween night. Your mistakes left you with a little boy with a cursed scar. Where would this little boy go? To a nice home? To an orphanage? No, he would go to his aunt and uncle's house. There he would be abused, not physically, but in the much more damaging mental way. Tell me Dumbledore, were you ever locked in a cupboard for weeks just because you got a better grade than your cousin?
I didn't think so.
Where are my relatives? Oh, you just remembered them now. Hey Dumbledore, look to your side, their sitting right next to you. See their vacant eyes, their broken necks? That could have been you if I didn't feel so merciful. I have to say, I enjoyed their deaths.
That crying is getting annoying. Silecio! That's better. Now we can continue our story. Isn't this fun?
Let's talk about when Harry Potter went to Hogwarts. He wouldn't be in danger there, would he? He was under the watchful eye of the ever omniscient Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. In Harry's first year, he was attacked by Voldemort. That's right. Voldemort actually sat at the teachers table with you every feast. You even hired him. I almost died, I actually went into a three-day coma, but you didn't tell me why Voldemort hated me. You didn't tell me about the prophecy. I had to wait four more years for you to tell me about the prophecy. When you did finally tell me, you also told me I had a choice. You told me I only needed to live by the prophecy if I choose. It's funny really. You were also the one who pitted me against Voldemort at every opportunity.
Any way, Year two had me facing off against a basilisk and a Horcrux possessing an eleven year old girl. I survived, but I think a little more of my innocence died. Year three had me fighting dementors and a werewolf. Of course I had my mass-murder of a god-father to help me right?
Let's take a break for a moment and talk about dementors. Tell me, what do you hear when the dementors get near you?
Oh, I forgot the silencing spell. All well. I'll just tell you what I hear. I hear my mother begging Voldemort to spare me. No matter how many times I hear it, it still hurts. It makes me feel kinda guilty. She wouldn't have died if it wasn't for me. Does it make you feel guilty? She wouldn't have died if you had done Legilimency on Wormtail.
Back to the story, and boy, here's where it gets interesting. My fourth year at Hogwarts ended on quite a sad note. I witnessed the dearth of a classmate, and watched Voldemort reborn. I have to say, if anything shows your idiocy, it's when you failed to notice your dear friend Alstor moody was actually a deatheater in disguise. How could you be blinder?
As angry as I am, the story must go on.
Fifth year. Quiet a year. More death. I lost my godfather. I lost the last figure that had been a parent to me. I blame you. My blame is not unfounded. You did create Voldemort. You did trust Snape. The only upside is I learned the prophecy.
So far you have messed up my life in quite a few ways.
Your fighting the silencing curse. Good for you.
No, I'm not going to bloody well let you go.
Here's where things take a turn for the worse. Anyway, you had messed up my life quite badly. The only way you would have made things worse is if you had actually handed me over Voldemort, but kind, grandfatherly Headmaster Dumbledore would never do anything like that. Right? Right?!?!
I'm still a little fuzzy on the details. One isn't very coherent after torture. Apparently you made a deal with Riddle. You would hand me over and in return, Riddle would keep Hogwarts, its students and teachers out of the war. I want you to know that even after you made this deal, he found a loop hole and attacked Hogwarts. You escaped, dooming the rest of the occupants to Voldemort and his deatheaters.
Shut up! Don't you dare try to justify yourself. I want you to know what happened to me in the deatheaters' "loving" care. I often wondered why no one came to save me. I believe it was because you told them not too.
I hate you.
Bellatrix was the worst. She tortured me with almost orgasmic pleasure. I was almost glad when it was a different deatheater who walked in to torture me. Almost.
I think it was after two weeks the Cruciatus Curse stopped working. I had a few blissful days before they realized it had no effect on me. It was then they took out the muggle tools. Gotta hand it to those muggles, they really know how to hurt their fellow man. I think my innocence died completely in those sessions. I had hope for rescue and a Gryffindor's determination. Unfortunately, I'm also human.
It took Voldemort two months to grow the balls to kill, or at least try. He showed me off to all his deatheater pals, made a grand speech about immortality and killing the chosen one. I didn't have the heart, or the strength for that matter, to tell him after the prophecy was over, anyone could kill him. It took him a while but the motherfucker actually did it. He hit me dead on with the good old Avada Kedavra. There was no ancient magic in the way, nothing stopping me from dying. He should have known better. Every time he tries to kill me, something goes wrong. He should have just had his bitch Bellatrix do it. She would have gotten off to that.
I wonder if I screwed the pope over in a past life. Or maybe I've been in hell for years and don't know it. Maybe I'm just cursed with what Voldemort craves. Instead of dying, which would have been a relief at that point, I landed here. With Petunia knocking on my cupboard door, demanding I make breakfast for her Duddikins. I enjoyed their deaths. And so ends me story. What have you got to say Dumbledore? Almost every single one of my troubles is directly related to you. Well?
More crying, that's not a very good answer. Crucio.
Come on Dumbledore, its only one curse, take it like a man. Crucio.
Imagine being under that for weeks, non-stop. Crucio.
You're weak Dumbledore. For all your words and twinkling eyes, you're weak. Crucio.
Have you not learned yet; have you not learned your lesson Dumbledore? Crucio.
Look me in the eye. Now. Don't grovel, you old goat. LOOK AT ME! The lesson is Dumbledore; the lesson is actions have consequences. So speak, say something. This is supposed to be a conversation, so speak. Do I need to raise my wand again? Well, your wand, but I don't feel like giving it back.
I'm not evil Dumbledore; I'm just what good men have made me into. I am what you and your manipulations have shaped me into.
That's a good question Dumbledore, what am I going to do now? Originally, I was going to have a little chat with you and then kill you. I've decided against that.
Oh don't look relieved Dumbledore, death is too good for you. Instead I'm going to do nothing.
I see the confusion Dumbledore, so let me clarify. Voldemort isn't dead only dormant. He will rise again and this time, he will beat you. You will die, not the peaceful old man you wanted to be, but a man whose world has shattered around him. Like my life. You will suffer as I had suffered and only then will you die.
While this has been fun, I feel you don't want me here. I'm heading out of Britain. I'm thinking about the Caribbean. So Dumbledore how does that sound?
Forget the prophecy. If I kill Voldy, it will be because he killed my parents, not because of a little poem.
Thank you for this little talk. Its always fun to have a nice chat with my Headmaster. Have fun getting the ropes off.
Goodbye Dumbledore, may your life be filled with sorrow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: I decided to write this after reading Ne Fiat Lux by Silver Pard. Go read it. I always thought Dumbledore was always too manipulative. This is a story where his puppet mastery backfired.