Annalynn Roe
Fanfiction
Doctor Who
A Peculiar Feeling
1 January 2015
A Peculiar Feeling
Rose sat silently underneath the stars. A silent wind was blowing through the night, and there was a slight shudder to the young woman as she sat gazing up at the fiery balls of light. A hiccup-y laugh escaped the young blonde as she continued staring into the deep expanse she could no longer reach.
It was funny. Her mother had long ago told her she would forget the Doctor. That, with time, he would fade and she could finally move on. But how could she forget? How could she forget when, every day as the sun set, an entire galaxy of possibilities opened up before her very eyes? An entire galaxy she so yearned to return to.
Some nights she would positively glare up at the sky, demanding fate or reality – whatever power she had been in control of so long ago on the Game Station – begging for a beautiful blue box to appear. At times the thought crossed her; if she could only wish hard enough, she could wish it so. Or will him back into her life.
She could still see him, in her mind. It was still pristine, like a photograph it never seemed to fade. His lovely face, lit with joy and excitement. Prepared to go gallivanting off into some new, exciting adventure. Hand in hand, together they would laugh and together they would run.
But not anymore.
Chocolate eyes, which had seen so much, fell dismally. She could still run, but she no longer had his hand to hold. She could still run, but never among the stars. She could run, but no matter how hard or how fast, she could never run back to his side. A tear splashed onto her hand, and only then could she feel the tears trailing their way down her cheeks.
Rose swiped a hand across her face, wiping the tears away and willing no more to fall. Even after three years, thinking of the Doctor was still enough to bring her to tears. Rassilon, she missed him. A half-hysterical giggle broke the silence. She brought her arm across her face once again.
It wasn't long after beginning her new life in Pete's universe that she began noticing the minute changes that had resulted from her time traveling with the Doctor. The one she found most amusing was when she realized she had begun to use "Rassilon" in place of "God" when she swore. After all her travels, all the planets and cultures she had endured, Rose wasn't entirely sure she believed in a God. Not the way she had once assumed – but she had no idea who this "Rassilon" who had apparently taken his place was.
After a particularly strong gust of wind, her body reminded her of the dropping temperatures with the utmost displeasure. Rose sighed, standing in an attempt to ease the cold leeching at the warmth of her body.
She was surprised how much she missed the TARDIS. So much she had taken advantage of. The soft hum, almost a melody, in the back of her head. In nearly two years of traveling aboard the ship, she had never noticed it. Then, suddenly it was gone. There was an emptiness there, now, one that hadn't been there before. As often as she thought of the Doctor, it couldn't compare to the sensation of losing her connection with the TARDIS.
It was as though she had lost a piece of herself.
A piece, so small and yet so profound.
Her first three months here had been a nightmare, literally, one right after the other. Sleep alluded her like water to oil. When she finally forced herself into the land of dreams, she was beseeched by nightmares. Sleep was terrible. Unbearable.
She had never noticed when, after the adventures that went awry – adventures that should have plagued her dreams for weeks or months on end – she would be lulled to sleep by the TARDIS. Her wonderful ship, staying with her when even the Doctor could not. Only when looking back did Rose realize the magnitude of the ship's influence. That, since stepping into the TARDIS that first time, not a single nightmare had plagued her sleep. Not until Canary Warf.
The Doctor had given her so much. She had taken advantage of it all, without knowing. He had given her everything, without so much as a comment or even a thought. Now, there was nothing she wanted more than to thank him for every little thing she had never noticed, apologize for every little thing she missed. He and his ship were extraordinary, and she had wanted to see it all. And yet, she had missed so much.
It left such a strange feeling, clenching at her heart. She was so thankful. Every minute she was allowed with him. Every second. There wasn't a thing she would trade it for, not a thing – except more time. More time to spend with him. She wanted nothing else more, in all the galaxies, all the universes. She would give anything. Absolutely anything.
A small smile, more cynical than anything, crossed her lips. How unfair it was, she mused. She was Rose Tyler, a mere human of Earth. She would live no more than one hundred years. While the Doctor could live thousands. She knew she would never be the forever she had promised to him, so very long ago. But she had meant it, she had promised him her forever, and it was a promise she had meant.
And yet, two years was all she got. Growing up, two years was enough time for anything. It was too much time. Two years, twenty four months, seven hundred and thirty days. But no, it wasn't enough. It could never be enough. How could any time ever be enough time, if she could spend it with him?
Sitting once again, hand grasping at her heart, Rose pondered what she felt there. At times she thought it was pain, heartbreak. But there was also joy and happiness. Anger, as well. How could these feelings mix so wholly? How could they mean any one thing? Eyes returning to the skies, the closest she ever felt to 'home', she finally realized.
These feelings, so painful and so happy, so angry and so desperate. They were a promise.
They were her promise.