*A soul, that is something that everyone has, something that everyone must have to live, right? So why is it that there are times when a soul can seem to go missing. When you have been alive for as long as I have been, sometimes your soul can seem to disappear for a little while and sometimes it takes more than a little while to come back. But maybe it is something else that I keep losing, maybe it isn't my soul that blinks out for a bit. But what else could it be?
I guess to answer that I would have to decide for sure on what a soul is. It a soul that thing inside your metaphorical heart that tells you who you are, what you are going to become, and what you are going to do with your life? Is it actually the same thing as your metaphorical heart, where all of your emotions are said to be kept as well as the dreaming part of you that hopes and wished for things that your logical mind knows wont materialize. Maybe the soul is something completely different, maybe it has nothing whatsoever to do with your metaphorical heart. Maybe it is simply your life force, the essence of your living being with no goal or purpose other than keeping you alive.
If that last pondering is true then my soul cant be what I keep losing. I have never truly died so to say that I have lost my soul if it is the sole thing keeping me truly alive, would be untrue. So then what is it that I lose?
Whatever it is, it is not fun to lose. It only happens when an emotion, generally a new emotion spawned from my latest regeneration goes haywire and I become out of control for a time. That is when I lose my soul. Maybe it's that then that I am losing, control. When I cannot control myself, I feel that loss heavily. How could I not? I spend so much time controlling everything about me, my thoughts my actions my emotions, the moment i lose any of that control it would make sense that I would have to feel something. I control myself that much for a very good reason. All of my years of living, almost one thousand of them now, are too much for the people around me to know. Even those very special people that I ask to be my companions, have no where near the capacity to understand all of the things that happen in my head.
So I guess I have settled on control being that thing that I lose, and I suppose that control protects me from myself as well as from the outside world so much that it may be connected in some way to my soul. I cant imagine that I would feel such a loss from a simple lapse in my control. No matter what the soul is for, sustaining life, hoping and dreaming, or purpose and perspective, a loss of control would make me vulnerable in a way that none of those things would survive for long without it. I wouldn't survive long without it. But then again, I have lived a long life, I have seen so many things, I have been so many places that I guess I should be near ready to go.
But who would save the worlds without me? It's not even just earth I am worried about, there are so many planets out there that I have helped, at least I think and hope I have helped. Would they be alright without me? Would they be better off without me?
Hmm, that is something to think about, would the universe be better off without the last Time Lord? Would the universe thrive without me to fly my TARDIS into crises and try to save the day. Would anyone even miss me if I were to find my ending?*
"Doctor!" The eleventh doctor was jarred out of his thoughts by Amy Pond popping her head over the edge of the TARDIS control platform. "Have you been down here the whole time?" She asked, her red hair swinging as she looked around.
"Of course I have been, did you need me?"
"We made dinner and you were missing, so I came to find you." The Doctor smiled.
"Well, you found me." Amy grinned.
"Yes I did, now are you coming, Rory is a surprisingly good cook." Her head popped back up to the upper level and the Doctor smiled as he stood to follow.