BEHIND THE 1-UP NOISE
A fictional biography of the Mario Brothers.
By capgamer
Note: I do not take credit for inventing any of these characters except the host and the professor. All other characters are trademarks of Nintendo.
+WARNING+ Reading this fanfic may cause laughter, extreme hatred, or in some rare cases, lung cancer.
The host looks into the camera. "Where did the odd couple of Mario Brothers begin? To answer that, we asked Shigeru Miyamoto, often known as Nintendo's heart and soul brothuh'. It was difficult finding Mr. Miyamoto, but through perseverance we prospered. Those are big words, spend some time to look them up and extend your vocabulary from 'It's-a-me!' Okay, kids?
"Miyamoto had this to say. 'Where did the Mario Brothers come from? My thoughts and hard work. You see, I got the idea for…' he paused.
"We took this momentary cease in the action to pressure Mr. Miyamoto to tell us what we asked. He continued with the game idea crap, so we gave him a wedgie and went straight to the source. The Mario Brothers themselves.
"Where did we come from?" asked Mario. "Well, I suppose it would start with dad's sperm entering…"
"Wait! Not THAT beginning you numskull!" interrupted Luigi. "He means how did we come to star in the many videogames that we, uh… starred in."
"Oh. It all started when we got out of high school. And what a wondrous day it was. I remember it like it was some kooky flashback."
(special effects blur and noise)
"The professor stands up calling out the names of the students who would receive their diploma doo-hickeys. 'Mario Mario. Mario Mario. MARIO! Get your lazy ass up here!' he roared.
'Mario! He's calling your name,' whispered Luigi.
"Play that funckee mewwwssiic whiteboay!" sang Mario with his earphones on.
"MARIO!"
"WHAT?"
"THE PROFESSOR IS CALLING YOUR NAME!"
"WHAT?"
"TURN THAT DAMN MUSIC OFF!"
"THAT DOES IT!" bellowed the professor. "Mario, Luigi, I hearby declare you unable to EVER graduate high school! Get lost you losers!"
"WHAT?!" cried Luigi.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU," shouted Mario.
(un-special effects and noise)
"And so, Mario basically screwed us over for the rest of our lives," sobbed Luigi.
"Yeah, darn that Mario!" bursted Mario. "Oh… that's right…"
Luigi regained composure. "So, here we are, two crazy kids out of college…"
"Crazy for Luigi is watching E.R.," mumbled Mario.
"It's just so… so… bloody. Well, anyway. We managed to come across some cash from a certain organization which I will not speak of here."
"Yeah, that Mafia gets nasty when you say that their hidden hangout is in…mmphh!"
"Quiet you boob! Let me do the talking for awhile. We just could not find a job. Everyone we talked to treated us like retards. Even the window washing place! They were afraid that we were 'too stupid. You might mix acid wit dee vindow cleaner.'"
"Ah, those were the good days," interrupted Mario.
"Yeah, good like Lucifer," continued Luigi. "We thought we were finished. Living in dumpsters, eating stale pasta, running from the mob, begging for sustenance. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE BASTARDS GAVE US?!?!?! MONEY! HOW DO YOU (bleep) EAT MONEY?!?!? THEY COULD OF GIVEN US REAL PRESIDENTS AND I'D GOBBLE THEM ON THE SPOT!!!! BUT NOOOOO, THEY GIVE US MONEY!!!" (Luigi bursts out crying.)
"That was a tough time for Luigi. I woke up many nights to see him standing over me with a spatula screaming 'Die grandma! You can't fool me! You're not my brother! He's clam chowder! Like Bill Clinton!'"
"So, in short your brother went insane, correct," the host asked, knowing the answer.
"Yep. That's about it! So, when finally a ray of sunshine shone through the clouds like some shiny golden rainbow thing, I was forced to see if it was meant for us. It came from the sky, as someone dumped it into the dumpster we called home. A newspaper ad, a little one-sentence ad that gave us hope. Luigi ran off after the person who delivered this omen, screaming about how he was destroying the planet by not recycling and how the great rotten tomato himself was to judge his after-life. I read it. The ad said 'Need actors, come by the old abandoned warehouse where the crazy dumpster men live.'"
"Wow, that's so interesting," the host said insincerely. "Let's go to a commercial break!"
"Dad, let go of my Eggo!"
"Darn! I'll never get those fruity Trix!"
"Strong enough for men, but made for women."
"Yahtzee!"
"HA HA HA."
"Hey! Where's my Ovaltine Shake?"
"GOT MILK?"
"And we are back!"
Mario started talking. "So anyway, I pondered where this old abandoned warehouse is. I then realized with much glee that it was very close to us. So, I went inside. After talking with the local people inside, I managed to piece together that I was a hobo and that the auditions were for a Japanese company that planed to make shows about unusual things. I brought Luigi along, obviously."
Luigi sobered up quickly. "Hey!"
"So, I eventually auditioned. When I got there, I found that they had already found their female role. And what a role she was. Her pixels glistened like… er, um yes. Back to the story, then. I was told to do something unusual. I had no idea what to do. I asked Luigi, and boy did that set him off. He went crazy! Well, crazier. Next thing I know, he had this gorilla suit on and he had kidnapped the girl and put her up on these girders that were being used to construct the stage. Well, I went into action mode and, well… there was Donkey Kong for ya. The camera people filmed the whole thing."
"Not many people know that I was Donkey Kong, and I had hoped to keep it that way… but I guess it is off my chest now. And anyway, we wouldn't have made it out of that dumpster had I not gone ballistic," said a bashful Luigi.
"And the lesson here, kids, is that murderous insanity is not entirely bad," interrupted the host.
"Donkey Kong was a big hit, and I got a good, long, contract with Nintendo," gleamed Mario. "Luigi hadn't gotten one yet, mostly because he scared the hell out of everyone. Luckily, however, with the new money we were able to upgrade to a cardboard box, and I sent Luigi to therapy. We started filming on the new game, but to no avail. The short-lived 'Mario with an Anvil', in which I beat up kittens and kicked them around, just was not accepted well. There was nothing particularly special about it. Finally, Luigi got back from therapy all recooperificated…reecoopiderated…recupiratehead. Aw, forget it!"
"I can tell it for awhile, Mario," offered Luigi.
"Decapitated?" pondered Mario.
"When I walked through that door, the director Mr. Miyamoto hopped up and said 'That's it! 2-Player!' and with that, 'Mario Bros.' was born."
"And then," started Mario. "Things got worse again. The game ideas stopped coming in, and I became deeply depressed. We had to sell our box and go back to living in the dumpster."
"I was prepared this time, though. That therapy didn't go down the drain. Mario, though, didn't take it too well. He came home one day and acted like he was drunk. There was a strong smell of something on him, too. Well, this happened for awhile, so I started following him. It turns out, that he had found some mushrooms that he liked to call 'Super Shrooms.' I confronted him, but he didn't stop using it, and in fact started using more drugs. I didn't know what to do."
"I had a major problem. The shrooms made me feel high, a real big-man. Some special form of cocaine, called stars, made me feel invincible. Not to mention the worst drug, the flower, which made me feel like I was on fire; I could party all night."
"One day he came home, he smelled of everything. His eyes were blood-shot, and he kept saying 'the Goombas are coming! King Koopa too!' I asked him what the heck he was talking about, but there would be no response. He woke up screaming in the night and the drugs seemed to have worn off. I asked what happened. And he told me the story, which is now known as 'Super Mario Bros.' I sent it in, and boo-yah! Bye bye dumpster forever!"
"What a touching and inspirational story," smiled the host, "that we'll get to after this!"
"And so, just remember that…"
"If you believe in magic, like I know ya do…"
"Buy certs mints. They are…"
"…playing in a theater near you! You also get a free…"
"Barney! With these fun mind-stealing catch-phrases, your child will…"
"…feel my wrath!"
"We are once again back."
"And so," continued Luigi. "Our first game on the NES inspired many to come. There is just one hang-up I remember."
(flashback thingee again)
"Mario, I have something to confess."
"Yes, brother?"
"You…are…so…HOT! I want you!"
"What the hell?!"
"You can't hide your feelings for me!"
"WHAT feelings?"
"Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Dear me."
(un-flashback thingee again)
"I was so gay, and I couldn't tell anyone," frowned Luigi.
"It really showed when we tried to do Super Smash Bros. Melee," grunted Mario. "I mean, didn't you ever wonder why Luigi became so perky all of a sudden? And what about the pink outfit? Pink is not a boy color!"
"Captain Falcon liked it fine!" burst Luigi, indignantly.
"See what I mean?" asked Mario. "For awhile he was like that, until her."
"A beautiful angel from the local McDonalds. Daisy was her name," swooned Luigi. "It just worked. She was overly masculine, and I was overly feminine. Perfect match. We got hooked, and that's about it."
"I see," the host stared blankly at Luigi. "Oh, would you look at that! Time is up! Thank you two for all your time and that does it for our show."
On our next episode…
Is Bowser, the turtle tyrant of evil really so bad?
"…and they just kept shoving me, over and over. Then I fell on my back. It scarred me for life!"