Title: Marauders Always Make Things Complicated (1/2)
Author: Fabs G
Summary: Sirius and Remus have finally started going out together, but when it comes to telling James… as the marauders they are, pranks ensue.
Rating: PG-13 (I believe there's some swearing here besides the obvious slash)
Disclaimer: Sirius, Remus, James, Lily madam Rosmerta, Peter and anything else you might recognize belongs to the one and only JK Rowling. Gillian Aulon, Luanne Robins and Martina Donovan belong to me, as does this plot.
Authors' Notes: I'm a Libra, therefore I made our beloved Remus Lupin a Libra too. Hee. Also, I don't know where in Hogsmeade you can have a decent dinner so I assumed that in the Three broomsticks they do.
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After many weeks of hidden feelings, fears and a lot of James's 'pushes' in the right direction, Sirius and Remus had finally solved their denials and had finally begun a relationship. When they had been going on for a couple of weeks they decided it was time to tell James and Peter… and Sirius got an idea.
"What, we're just going to sit Jamie down and say 'hey, you succeeded, we're going out'? No way. I want to play" he said with that earth-shattering mischievous smile of his.
And so the James torture began. James couldn't help but noticing the chemistry between his best friends, and had worked dearly to make them notice this, but his friends were way ahead of him when Sirius and Remus's relationship was exactly two weeks old, the Potter Banter began. They decided that taking advantage of their friend would make for a prank that would rewrite history. They had agreed to stop their nightly visitations to the shrieking shack or any of the castle towers because it'd be just way too easy for James to follow them. (It took quite a while for them to agree but they finally did, knowing it was for a good marauder cause). They had invented a fake fight to make things more credible. They had carefully plan out every single line of innuendo, every hand a little lower or higher than were it should be, every look cast upon the desired object and every fake girlfriend that would appear around. Or at least they had drawn a basic outline of them. Remus had even delayed a certain letter he'd have to get sometime so he would get it when all four marauders would be together…
One particularly sunny (and particularly work-loaded) Friday afternoon, all four marauders were in the dorm room. Some were reading, and some were doing their homework but they had all agreed that the common room was way too crowded for them to be able to think; so they stayed in the comfort and privacy of the dorm.
James (doing an essay) and Sirius (reading for the upcoming Transfigurations quiz) were sharing James's bed, mainly because Sirius had been to lazy to make his. Peter and Remus were in their own beds, both having way too many papers sprawled around them for sharing a bed on that cold day.
An owl rapt the glass of one of the windows and with a wave of his wand, James let it in. The owl dropped a letter over Remus' head and flew back outside.
"Bloody hell…" Remus stared at a picture in his hands but then he shook his hand and groaned at it. "Jack's at it again" Sirius smiled to himself and placed all his will in not smirking at Remus.
"Who's Jack?" frowned James from his potions essay.
"A third cousin. Or at least the only one that's still speaking to me after he knew I am a werewolf. He's a muggle and we don't see each other too often, so it's not like he cares a lot about it. He's a good fellow, pretty decent."
"A muggle uses an owl?"
"I taught him, it's easier for me to receive his letter like this"
"Why the groan then? Bad news?" asked Sirius, striving to keep the conversation in the way they wanted it to go.
"No, it's just…" Remus then did something very weird: he shook his head, groaned again and placed the picture in his hands under a stack of books that were balancing unsteadily on the corner of Remus' bed. "Jack's a little older than me, and a model. Last summer I told him I was bisexual, and every since he's been teasing me sending some carefully selected pictures of him"
"What's the problem then?" frowned James.
"He's bloody well looking and he's my cousin, that's the problem" Remus got the picture of Jack from under stack of books and tossed it to James and Sirius. Peter went over to them to take a peek too. Both Potter and Black stared at the picture wide-eyed.
"Bloody hell..." gaped Sirius who had known of the letter but hadn't actually taken a look at the picture. Remus swallowed a chuckle.
"Wow. And this is coming from a straight guy" stared James.
"What's so good about him?" piped in Peter, always going in the opposite direction than the rest were. (An of course, Sirius and Remus had counted on this)
Remus looked at him as if he had grown an extra head "Uh? Gods! Look at him! If a God were human, he'd have his body, no wonder he's a model. When you dream about kissing someone, that dreamy someone has his lips. And those eyes the bloke has! Most of the time, when you imagine yourself looking into your loved one's eyes you can't quite picture them very well, the dream has his eyes..."
"Somebody has a crush" sing-songed Sirius, looking at Remus but still stealing some looks at the picture in James's hands.
As soon as he heard the word 'crush' from Sirius's lips, James started looking at his friends intently. He had been trying to pick any kind of clues from them for weeks now, but no such thing had emerged.
"He's my cousin!" James and Sirius tore their eyes from the picture and stared at him, silent retorts and criticisms evident. "Oh, alright. I'm a person who likes to read a lot with a crush on a gorgeous man. What did you expect? To just say 'he's nice'"
Sirius squinted and pouted his lips like he always did when he was mocking his friends. "If you had a crush on me, would you say that kind of stuff?" James's jaw drop to floor level, thinking he had won.
"Who knows." Answered Remus smiling a smile that would have sent the straightest guy over the edge. "Maybe we should give it a try once"
"Just say the time and place and I'll be there" Sirius's smiled was wide as it had been on his birthday, though with quite a different connotation.
James stared at the pair and couldn't take it any more with the pointless flirting. "Would you guys want me to bring you a knife?"
Both whipped around and looked at James. "Why?"
"To slice the sexual tension between you two!"
"James, there is no-" Remus began, faking embarrassment, ready to deny everything as Sirius or he lately did.
"Don't give me that 'no sexual tension between us' crap because I downright saw it'
Sirius raised two amused eyebrows. "You saw sexual tension?"
"Yes, you two are the incarnates of it!" Peter laughed loudly- he was having quite a show from his spot.
"James Potter," said Sirius getting up to get a book from his trunk "you, are delusional, my friend"
"Yes, James, really-" Remus looked at his bespectacled friend while Sirius made his way to his trunk "Sex with Sirius? Please… the thought is disgusting!"
Sirius unwillingly let the half-open trunk lid fall noisily back in place, startling them all. He looked at Remus, a trace of shock and hurt in his voice but amusement in his hair-hidden eyes "Sex with me? Disgusting?"
"Of course. Imagine it for a second…" To the rest of the world –namely, James and Peter- it would seem Remus was truly disgusted at this thought but Sirius knew better than this.
With a fleeting smile, he said with trace of mock disgust in his voice "I better not" and buried himself in the mess of his trunk, while James started brooding to himself again whether he hadn't actually misread the signs.
One evening later, while the marauders and several other Gryffindors were in the common room, James's sanity decreased a bit. Of course, Remus and Sirius were to blame for it.
Remus was reading a book, sugarquill in hand in case he found something relevant to mark or in case he got hungry. James and Peter were playing chess and Sirius was supposed to be studying. Remus read from his book, immersed in whatever the plot or subject was. Absentmindedly and without taking his eyes of his book, he opened his mouth and his tongue peeked out of it, hoping to find the sugarquill nearby. It didn't, so the tongue ventured out of it a little further. No success. The tongue ventured even a little further and finally found the quill. Remus pulled it towards his mouth, sucking in his sweet flavor.
Suddenly he frowned, feeling like he was being watched. Automatically, his eyes sought Sirius… and bingo. Remus knew instantly he had watched all the little quill pursuit and, with his quill still between his teeth smiled at him widely while wagging his eyebrows. Remus' tongue pushed the quill out of the mouth and played a little outside in the open (carefully hidden from James by Remus's book) Sirius raised an eyebrow and gave Remus a lustful smile of his own.
Suddenly, Sirius's eyes darted to his left and he went back to his book. Remus frowned. I wonder what's the matter with him? I thought he liked- His line of thought was interrupted by James, right in front of him, pulling his book down and looking at his furiously.
"What were you doing?" he seemed exasperated, actually. Like if something had taken hold of his patience and would not give it back.
"What are you talking about James?"
He whispered. Apparently this was not something he wanted the other Gryffindors to hear "I know you were doing something! Sirius was looking at you like he wanted to shag you on the spot"
Well, well, well, thought Remus. What do you know? That's the true marauder: annoying and pulling pranks without even being aware of it. He could feel Sirius smiling and chuckling but he didn't dare look at him
"James, I'm reading my book… What are you fantasizing about?"
"Fantasizing! If you only had seen Sirius"
"James, I don't know what you're on about. I'm reading!"
"ARGH!!!" James threw his hands in the air, truly infuriated and went back to his game of chess. When Remus was positive he wasn't looking, he looked at Sirius… and he had to bit his quill real hard not to burst out laughing…
That same evening, just a bit before dinner, James and Lily were walking down one of Hogwarts' many halls, heading to their own tower.
"It's just so unnerving, Lil" he vented. He had tried venting to Peter but the boy didn't hold the same obsession he had, apparently. Lily also didn't, but she cared enough to listen. "I talked to them some weeks ago and they very reluctantly admitted something, but now they ignore me when I tried to talk about it"
"They're in a difficult position, James. You and I became friends while we were dating. But them? They already are friends, maybe they feel like it's too much of a risk for their friendship. Remus specially, you know how he treasures you all"
James sighed "I know, and I understand it! But I can't understand their blatant denial of the whole thing."
"Besides, James, they had a big fight about two weeks ago… I can't blame them for letting everything stand still for a while"
"Maybe you're right… Porcupede!"
"Very good, dear" said the fat lady at James' password and she swung open. They climbed through the portrait hole, and the scene that reached James' eyes was enough to have him started again.
Sirius and a 5th year girl were sitting on one of the couches, arms around each other. Remus, of course, was part of it all and knew perfectly of everything. He was carefully concealed under James' invisibility cloak.
"See?" he whispered at Lily, hand pointing at Sirius "Now he's playing the girlfriend card. He's in complete denial"
James strode forwards, squinting at the girl. Lily just stared, thinking.
"Hello" said James politely. He looked at his friend "Hi Sirius" he said and went back to staring at the girl. "And who might you be?"
"James, this is Martina Donovan, my girlfriend" Sirius and Martina stared lovingly at each other. It was sickening.
"Oh" said James, but it was all he managed to say. He opened and closed his mouth several times in search of something to say buy not such thing came.
"James, you look like a cold fish" chuckled Sirius. Martina just stared amused at him.
"Talk. Now. Walk" Nothing else could have come from James' mouth. James dragged Sirius off Martina's earshot and into a corner, trapping him between his arms so he wouldn't escape. "What is this?" he said calmly. Sirius trembled. When James was furious, but didn't show it, it was most definitely a bad thing.
"What?"
"Sirius… mate… I know you. I know when you like someone and you and I both know you don't like Martina"
Sirius frowned, his act being performed expertly "What? James, I've no idea…"
"You and I both know damn well Remus is the one you fancy not that fifth year!"
"That fifth year has a name, it's Martina and she's my girlfriend"
"Since when?"
"Since yesterday"
"Oh right! Listen mate I love you, but-"
Sirius interrupted him "You love me? Gee, and I thought you had been trying to set me up with Remus. Poor Lily…" he smirked.
"You know what I mean! Friend love. Nothing beyond that"
Sirius's face became a tad more serious. He even managed a saddened expression "Funny. Since the fight we had, it's exactly what's between Remus and me" He ducked under James's arm and went back to Martina, who had just finished talking to Lily.
James leaned forward and banged his head repeatedly against the wall, utterly frustrated. He felt Lily's hand on his back. "This guy's going to make me go crazy. At least Remus is not here to watch it" (Remus was actually a few feet from James and Lily, enjoying the Potter show)
Lily said nothing. She led James out of the common room. "James" she pulled James's hands out of his eyes and pushed his glasses back on "I talked to Martina. Thought I'd test your theory…"
"And?" James's face became expectant.
"That girl's not in love with Sirius. From what I reckon, she doesn't even like him"
"Really?" James grinned.
"She's a 5th year Ravenclaw. I had heard rumors about one girl in her year not interested in boys at all, and although no one knows her name, there's a very good possibility it's her…"
James was silent for some seconds, his brain cells working full time. "So… he set us up!"
"It's possible. Still, the girl might have no idea what's going on… "
James was silent for some more seconds. He thought… and the most marvelous idea lit his face….
"I know. I have a way to check all of this out"
"What?" Lily smiled, also eager to unravel this mystery.
"A game of truth or dare" Lily frowned. "If I or Peter do it, it'll be truly obvious, so you have to ask for a game of Truth or Dare, and be sure Remus and Sirius are in it"
"What would that accomplish?"
"You have to ask something to Remus. In a question where he refuses to answer, you have to dare him to kiss Sirius"
"What?"
"You have to, you have to ask Remus to kiss Sirius"
"James! You can not ask me that!"
"Why?"
"Because it's stupid, that's why. If there's nothing going on, if they're just pulling a prank on you or just being polite at each other after a fight then it'll be like asking you to kiss Peter"
"No that's different. I am in a relationship with you, not with Peter"
Lily put two and two together and opened and closed her mouth several times. "Wha-what?"
"I have no idea. I don't have visual confirmation. I have suspicion a-a-and sexual tension and some probably misread clues, and that's enough for me. You have to help me out here. If I were to ask them it'll be too evident. Besides, we won't even be in the game. We'll use my cloak so they won't get paranoid" he smiled his most charming smile.
She smiled back at him "Oh alright. I do hope you don't mess this up. But what can I ask him that Remus will surely refuse to answer?"
James thought for a while, and then he opened his eyes very wide "Of course! Ask him something about his biggest secret!"
"James Potter! I will not!" Lily was horrified that James would actually dare her to such a thing.
"He doesn't know you know. He's got no idea you walked in on me talking to Peter about his licanthropy"
"That's no reason to…"
"He won't be mad at you, I promise. It's one of the most popular truth or dare questions out there, and he's got no idea you know"
"He really doesn't?"
"No. Let's take advantage of it! And by the end of this all you have to do to let Remus know you're more than ok with it is to just bring the game subject up"
"I hate you." Said Lily as she saw her defeat near.
"No you don't" smiled James as he saw his victory near.
"No I don't. Alright, ok I'll do it"
"Tomorrow night?"
"Tomorrow night"
The next night, Remus, Sirius, Lily, her classmates and several other people from different years had agreed to a truth or dare game, idea proposed by Lily Evans herself.
It was Lily's turn to ask someone a question now. "Ookkaaayyy…. Remus" pointed Lily. Behind her, James and Peter were hidden under James' cloak.
"Uh-Oh" said Remus loudly, faking worry "Shoot"
She faked thinking the question "Do you… have a really big secret you've hidden from us all? If so, which?"
Remus blanched momentarily. He then smiled at Lily "No way, there's no way I'm answering that. Dare"
"Damn. Oh well. Let's see…." Lily feigned thinking again, this time the dare, and smiled "I dare you to kiss Sirius on the mouth for thirty complete seconds"
Remus and Sirius' mind seemed to be in sync. Oh damn.
As the crowd gasped and cheered excitedly, James and Peter smiled triumphantly (James made a mental note of congratulating Lily for putting a length to the dare).
Remus, meanwhile just stared at Lily "I can't" he stated simply.
"It's a dare Remus" said Lily, still smiling.
"You cannot back up" said one of Lily's dormmates
"Even I understand that" said Sirius, who had managed to look disgustingly resigned.
"Besides, you're a Gryffindor. Braveness, remember?" Lily smiled and Remus squinted at her. If she were James, we'd be busted, he thought. "Answer or kiss" Lily said, smiling sweetly. And who would have denied something to her?
By far the kiss, thought Remus. The problem is, how am I going to kiss him without looking like I want to eat him up? "Alright" Remus grimaced as if resigned to do something awful and laid eyes on Sirius. Apparently, the same questions were crawling through Sirius' mind. He signaled the center of the circle and they both stood up to reach it.
James, Lily and Peter looked at their friends and their suspicions of something odd between them raised. The three of them bit their lips not to laugh loudly.
Sirius and Remus stared at each other, now nearly face to face. Sirius spoke before doing anything "Let everyone know that I'm doing this only because my best friend's girl asked" he said, as if not wanting his reputation to be ruined.
They finally leaned forward and they couldn't help the smiles as they started to kiss. They hoped no one had noticed, but right now they were frankly too engrossed in the kiss to care about anything else. Remus involuntarily sought Sirius's hand and clasped it tightly while Sirius' hand found its way in Remus' waist, pulling him towards him.
James was besides himself with joy. He controlled the thirty seconds (in Peter's watch), as did Lily and the rest. Everyone watched what had started as a chaste and shy kiss turn more passionate with the seconds. When the thirty seconds (and the little show) were over, everyone yelled time. Remus and Sirius did not acknowledge the screaming and excited crowd.
"Time!" they said again.
Reluctantly, Sirius and Remus parted. They flashed a small smile at each other and went back to their seats.
"Well, who would have thought" said Sirius, relieved that James wasn't in the room "Remus knows how to kiss"
"And coming from someone who is fawned over by three quarters of the female Hogwarts population. Wow. Thanks." Inside, all of his self was pleading for another kiss, maybe even more if things were lucky, but outside he just seemed merely amused. The things I have to bear to pull a prank on Mr. Marauder himself…
Lily smiled to herself. She had just made James's mission her own.
That night when he was sure Peter was already asleep, James got out of his bed, pulled on his robe and tip-toed to Sirius's bed, deciding it was high time for a truly serious talk. He called his name once, twice but Sirius didn't answer. He peeked inside the curtains, only to find Sirius' bed empty. He did the same with Remus' bed, and got the same result. Frowning, he went downstairs. He found his friends there, but something about the situation made him keep silent. He hid behind the stairs' wall and peeked.
Sirius was wearing a particularly large robe, nearly two sizes his over, and had James's invisibility cloak in his hand. Remus had apparently recently changed and was transfiguring his PJs into a stack of papers.
"How do you think it's going?" asked Remus.
"If Lily didn't tell James any of our wondering hands in today's game, fantastic"
"We'd be really busted if she did" HA-HA thought James to himself. "And knowing Lily, James already knows. Now, where are you really taking me, Sirius?" Remus asked as he walked to him.
"I want to show you a certain muggle vehicle I just bought."
"Muggle vehicle?" asked Remus and James's mind at the same time.
Sirius acted like if Remus hadn't said a thing "You know, I'm going to do the same with my robe. It's stupidly large" He grinned mischievously at Remus. He threw the Invisibility cloak to Remus and walked to Remus' transfigured PJs. He pulled his robes over his head and James clearly saw Remus's jaw drop.
Sirius was wearing a pair of black leather trousers and a white (and tight) t-shirt. After transfiguring his robe, he turned around, facing Remus. James smiled to himself, as Remus' attitude seemed no different than a prowling wolf.
Sirius twirled in the spot, much to Remus's delight. His leather trousers, although they weren't what you'd call tight, certainly shaped his arse and a certain bulge on the front Remus seemed very attracted to. The t-shirt that showed his worked-out chest and let his muscular arms show completed the outfit. Even James, who was very much in love with Lily, admitted his best friend looked awesome.
"So how do I look?" he asked, fully aware of the answer.
Remus walked to Sirius, never taking his eyes of him "You just love asking that, don't you?" he closed the distance between them and kissed him fully in the mouth. Sirius' arms grabbed gently Remus' head while his arms encircled Sirius' waist.
"Yes!" said James and clapped his mouth with one of his hands. He ducked from view and ran back to his bed, not daring to look back.
In any case, he had seen enough. And he certainly did not want to see what was obviously coming next!
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To be concluded…