YOOOOO I SUck major ass i know okay, forgive me for this angsty rollercoaster
I haven't had the inspiration to write fanfiction for 2 years or something, and i finally found the inspiration again, based on the feelings and the pain i go through, it's easier for me to relate to more angsty stuff (and less porny, as i wrote as a pre-teen)
i will still do cute fluffy fanfics and NSFW fanfics sometimes, but for now, enjoy my angsty angst huehu
WARNINGS: implied character death, spoilers, angst, depression, drug abuse (painkillers).
"Hiro?"
Hiro looked up from his computer, the same 'ERROR' box in his coding-program had been staring at him from his computer for a while now, and it didn't matter how many times he tried to overwrite or rewrite the code. The 'ERROR' box was reluctant to leave.
'Look for a new angle.'.
Hiro visibly tensed. "Uh, buddy are you okay?".
Wasabi did not just ask if he was okay. Wasabi did legitimately not just ask if he was feeling emotionally stable, and was in good health, mentally and physically. Because if so, SFIT should consider talking a little less highly of their "bright students".
Hiro said none of this out loud. He stared at Wasabi, until the big guy practically shrank under his gaze and piped out a "Ooookay, never mind." And, fast as lightning, zipped out of Tadashi's work-area. Hiro's work-area. It was Hiro's work area. Fred looked inside. "Don't worry little dude! With that big brain of yours, you'll find the problem in no time!".
'Use that big brain of yours to think your way out'.
Hiro stood up abruptly, his desk rattling, gathering his things. His eyes didn't feel wet, his breath didn't hitch, he swear it didn't. It was probably just allergies. Fred looked surprised to say the least, "You goin' home?". Hiro nodded as he moved past Fred. "Yeah", he meant to sound nonchalant, but it came out as barely a whisper. "I'm… I'm going home".
He walked quickly out of the 'Nerd Lab' (A shit eating grin planted on his brothers face, as he proudly introduced his genius little brother to his friends-), and out of SFIT, quick to jump onto Tadashi's old moped, which he had been using since he turned 16 years two months ago. He drove as fast as the pathetic vehicle allowed him. Home. Could he even call it home anymore?
It certainly didn't feel that way, as he parked in the old dusty garage, and hurried up stairs, wanting for all in the world to escape his aunts questioning on why he was home early. Again.
It felt cold. Empty. He sneaked up the staircase, which had felt just a little too long since the fire, to his and Tadashi's room. His room. It was his room. Hiro shivered.
Upon opening the door to the attic, he was met with a hollow darkness. A darkness he felt as if he fitted into perfectly. At least, in the darkness he could be numb, to others and himself. At least in the darkness he didn't have to look over at Tadashi's side of the room and find it empty. At least in the darkness, no one could see him cry.
Hiro closed the door behind him, locked it and dropped his back-pack to the floor, feeling his heart rate elevate too quickly, everything happened so quickly (Tadashi died so quickly-), and his breathing become ragged as he moved past his own bed, continuing past the divider to stare at Tadashi's bed. With the impact of what felt like a train, like a thousand suns, (like an explosion forcing him back and into the ground to make room for the cackling flames-) Tadashi's essence hit Hiro, making him choke back a sob as he dropped to his knee's.
'I'm proud of you'.
Hiro buried his head into his long gone brother's unchanged bed sheets, hiding his hiccups from no one really. "Would you be proud, 'Dashi… Of your idiot little brother?", Hiro tried to manage a smile, but it came out forced and weird on his face and he didn't like the feeling. He had to fake his smiles enough as it was already. So he settled for breaking into a whimper, quivering.
"You're a fucking idiot, do you know that?", Hiro's voice shook with emotion. What he was feeling exactly though, he wasn't sure. Sorrow, sadness. Grief, confusion, desperation, bitterness, anger, oh so much anger-
He tried not to be mad at Tadashi (Tadashi who had looked at him with pleading eyes, desperate, pulling his arm away from Hiro, away from his future, accusingly "Someone has to help"-), he really, really tried.
"You were all I had left, and you just… you left me", the words forced themselves out of Hiro through his hiccups, voice thick with betrayal and vain attempts to keep his tears in, eyes wet.
"You left me, 'dashi. You left me, for someone who couldn't care less about you.", Hiro wanted to scream, to cry, to yell, to punch, to claw, to kick, to kill, oh how he'd love to kill Callaghan-
But he didn't. Tadashi wouldn't have wanted that. Tadashi wouldn't have wanted that burden on Hiro. So Hiro settled with angry whispers against an empty bed, in an empty bedroom, feeling empty inside. Empty. No purpose, no goals, no drive, no excitement, no love, no parents, no brother-
"I cared about you, nerd." Hiro sobbed, letting the pitiful sound emit from him. He realized he honestly couldn't care less if he scared Aunt Cass' customers away for the day. There was a day again tomorrow. A day again tomorrow, still without Tadashi, still without his brother, still without the only thing he had left.
Hiro wailed. Like the child he was (only a child, he was only a child, and now his big brother was gone, consumed by the greedy flames that slicked around the building. The building his big brother had ran into, and now he was all alone-), he wailed and cried and was almost tempted to scream, if not because he didn't want to worry Cass. (his Aunt, whose smiled had seemed a little too fake since the funeral, too concealing, too empty-).
"If you're the one that died, then why do I feel so dead inside-", Hiro cried, as his throaty pleas for his brother to please just come back wrecked through him. Hiro looked up, vision blurry, and rummaged around for something in his pockets, when the way his heart clenched and the feeling of betrayal ruined him a little too much for him to handle. He pulled out a jar of painkillers, uncapped it and chugged down 3 of them. Just enough for the numbness to return (all he wanted was his brother to return, he just wanted his 'dashi-), and fall asleep easier when he curled his weak form up on Tadashi's bed. It made everything easier, if just for a little while.
But painkiller's can't bring back the dead.