CHAPTER 1- TO CHANGE

She had to close her eyes as she leaned her head against the cold wood of oak wardrobe suddenly remembering things she wasn't supposed to. Her subconscious mind fought against new information, but she clung to them as a drowning man to the straw. She knew she was in a body of Lyra Belacqua who had a daemon named Pantalaimon, but she knew she wasn't her. She doubted she was the other Lyra, too. In the end, she couldn't be. Her mind was suddenly brighter, with memories of a different world. She was both of them, but she was neither of them. They were both named Lyra Belacqua but they lived different lives. Memories suddenly slipped one after another, no matter how hard she tried to keep them. So much effort, so much energy. The darkness of unconsciousness was tempting as she desperately wanted to submit to it or at least to think about it all, but she couldn't. Not with poisoned Tokay in her blurred sight.

She watched the Butler with narrowed eyes, trying to ignore a dull ache in the back of her head. He listened cautiously at the hall door before helping himself to a handful of leaf from the smoking stand. He had hardly replaced the lid when the handle of the other door turned, making him jump nervously. She would have to contain the laugh if she hadn't felt so damn miserable. So she just watched as the Butler hastily stuffed the leaves into his pocket and turned to face incomer.

"Lord Asriel!" he said, and an involuntary shiver ran down Lyra's back. Of course, he would come here. Not what most people would even dare to even think about, but Lord Asriel wasn't most people.

"Good evening, Wren," said Lord Asriel. She was actually glad to hear that harsh voice, but her excitement was mixed with apprehension. "I arrived too late to dine. I'll wait here."

Lyra moved deeper into the darkness of the wardrobe as she clutched her head, but she was still listening carefully. One could say she was almost enjoying herself as her uncle smoothly handled the Butler. Then she almost felt guilty as she was listening to the private conversation between Lord Asriel and his daemon. Almost.

She was suddenly on high alert as her uncle looked at the Tokay with an obvious intention of drinking it. Panic nearly paralyzed her as she tried to think how to get out of this mess. She couldn't just open the wardrobe and take the glass out of his hands. But maybe there was another way. Maybe he didn't even have to catch her. Lyra looked at Pantalaimon and he knew exactly what she wanted from him. He was currently in the form of a white cat, but he quickly changed into a moth, also white, Lyra noticed. She wasn't sure but she felt he was different, too. She really didn't want to think about it, talk with him about it, but now it seemed that she had to. She watched Pantalaimon as he carefully approached Stelmaria and moved closer to her ear. It wasn't possible to hear what he was saying, but she knew it anyway. She held a breath as she knew Stelmaria would attack soon. Would Pan be quick enough to escape?

Stelmaria quickly snatched after Pantalaimon, and he was suddenly falling to the ground, changing to a cat to have at least small chance to fight. The glass fell from Lord Asriel's hand. She couldn't help but whimper as Stelmaria had now growling Pantalaimon pinned to the ground.

"Who's there?" asked Lord Asriel.

She stumbled out of the wardrobe, trying to stay conscious as she felt knew the wave of anger from Stelmaria when Lord Asriel recognized her. She had almost forgotten why she was so afraid of him in the past. But when she looked into his eyes, there wasn't any of that fear left. There was still pain, as her eyes were becoming more and more glassy, but no fear. Stelmaria released Pantalaimon and he quickly changed to a big wolf with glowing red eyes, protectively growling right beside Lyra. They were both exhausted and now that most of the adrenaline was gone, Lyra's eyes were turning even more glassy.

Lord Asriel caught her before she fell to the ground. Pantalaimon turned back into a cat as he fussed around her, but he joined her in the darkness soon afterward. Stelmaria gingerly took Pantalaimon's fur between her fangs and placed him beside Lyra back in the wardrobe where Lord Asriel put her.

"They have grown in quite the interesting way. I almost haven't caught him."

"Yes, they did. It's a shame we won't have time to talk to them."

"Maybe we will."

"What do you mean, Stelmaria?" Lord Asriel asked her carefully.

Stelmaria growled in frustration. He was very well aware of what she meant. "You are tired anyway. You can stay until tomorrow."

"They tried to poison me, Stelmaria. And I still need to be in White Hall in the morning."

"Than be more careful. Master is too cowardly to try a more direct way of assassination. And you know as well as I do that your visit of London isn't as necessary as you are trying to pretend."

"I will go to London. But maybe I could..."

There was a knock on the door.

When Lyra woke up she was half sitting on one of the Master's full-length robes. She immediately noticed that the room was full of scholars now. Lord Asriel was standing in front of them, talking about someone called Grumman. She shifted and started listening, trying to not think about her new memories or her aching head. Finally something interesting. She had a distraction. She was intrigued as they talked about Dust and about Gruman once again. She stayed intrigued even as they started to wrangle back and forth about whether or not they should give him some money to fit out another expedition. Motivations seemed suddenly more interesting in the shadow of Master's failed assassination attempt. But, in the end, she felt her eyes closing. Soon she was fast asleep, with Pantalaimon laying in her lap sleeping in the form of a cat.

She woke up with a start when someone shook her shoulder.

"Quiet," said her uncle. The wardrobe door was open, and he was crouched there against the light. "They've all gone, but there are still some servants around."

"Did they give you the money?" she asked, still a little bit sleepy.

"Yes."

"What exactly is Dust?" she asked, struggling to stand up after having been cramped for so long.

"Nothing to do with you."

"Is it like electrons, photons and the rest? Why does it settle on people? Do we have some particle in us that's polar opposite from the Dust? Kind of like magnetism? Or does it work entirely different way?"

Lord Asriel gave her a thoughtful look and then laughed shortly. Lyra just frustratedly growled and moved to the next question. "Where are you going now?"

"Back to the North. I'm leaving in ten minutes."

"Can I come?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her as if for the first time. His daemon turned her great tawny leopard eyes on her too, and under the concentrated gaze of both of them, Lyra blushed. But she gazed back fiercely.

"Your place is here, but maybe-"

"Why? I want to know about Dust. I want to see the Northern Lights and bears and icebergs. And that city in the air. Is it another world?"

"Will you let me finish? You're not coming to the North, child. The times are too dangerous. But I have to be in London tomorrow. I can take you with me. I can send you back when I'll be leaving. Would you like to come?"

"Of course!"

"Good. I'll talk to the Master. Go to your room and take whatever you'll need."

She left and went to her room without a word. She was excited to go to London, but she would still rather go to the North.

Master was frowning as he watched her leave. She took notice. She could understand his reluctance to let her go with a man he tried to poisoned mere hours ago but both she and her uncle were stubborn and he hadn't had any power over Lord Asriel. She anxiously clutched Master's gift for her. She didn't know what she was supposed to do with it, but she knew it was called Alethiometer and she had enough time to quickly sneak into the library and grab a book about it. They quickly got on the train that waited especially for Lord Asriel.

"Since when is he albino?" asked Lord Asriel, pointing at Pantalaimon, currently in the form of white Shadowcat with black stripes and red glowing eyes. Pan immediately looked straight at Lord Asriel but said nothing. Lyra just shrugged.

"I don't know. It just happened. He likes it this way."

Lord Asriel smirked. "Liar." Stelmaria looked equally amused as she poked Pantalaimon with her head, making him stumble. He growled, but she didn't take it seriously. Adult Shadowcat would be bigger than her, but Pan had still some growing to do. Her uncle looked at the two daemons curiously, but then back at her.

"You are different. Same, but different."

"Of course. It's called growing up. You haven't been in Jordan for almost a year."

He pierced her with his eyes, but she didn't back down. Then he just huffed, obviously amused and finally sat down with his ankle resting on the other knee. He motioned for her to sit opposite to him.

"Was it Master that tried to poison me? I never got the chance to ask."

"Yes. He was talking about some horrible consequences if you proceed with your plans."

"I must say, I'm surprised. Your daemon almost got away from Stelmaria. I would never know who warned me. I would try to find them, of course. But to look to the wardrobe? No. What kind of person would hide into the wardrobe with no way to escape?" Lord Asriel laughed as he saw Lyra's expression. "Don't get me wrong. I'm aware that your circumstances were quite different. It just surprised me. I would expect of you to at least make some noise or to just straight jump out of that wardrobe and smash that glass into the ground."

Lyra bit her lower lip, because that was exactly what she would do a few days ago and change in herself terrified her. Memories disappeared, now fogged, almost nonexistent, but she knew they were still somewhere in her mind and she felt different. She wasn't so sure about herself anymore. Pan was different, too. He was albino, first of all, and he wasn't changing as often as he used to. She remembered how terrified she used to be about him settling down, but it was strangely calming now. And now that she fought about it, she didn't saw him as ermine since they changed. Most of the time, he was either cat, wolf, or his new favorite form, shadowcat. Shadowcat was cool, but she really liked when he was ermine. And then there were these memories of another world. The world with other Lyra. The world with more... technology. She was sure there was some connection between the town in the sky Lord Asriel was showing scholars and her new memories but she wasn't entirely sure what it was.

"I almost panicked. But then I thought that maybe if Pan could change into a moth, maybe he could get away with warning Stelmaria without being caught."

"Smart. Now, tell me, what have you learned since the last time I saw you?"

That was to be expected. He never forgot to ask her that. She tried to sort the memories, new ones suddenly creeping in as her head started pounding all over again. And there were things she couldn't tell, but there were some that she could. So she combined they knowledge. The other Lyra was similar, but at the same time so very different. She wasn't raised by scholars, but she liked books. And now Lyra suddenly had memories of books she never bothered to read, some stories were imaginary, the kind she often told other children, and some were full of useful information. She talked as new memories continued to creep in, trying and failing at ignoring her pounding head, rubbing her forehead all the time. There was another difference between the two of them, she realized with one of the new memories. The other Lyra had a father. And then, as if she was stricken by the lightening bolt, she froze in the middle of the sentence. Other Lyra's father was different Lord Asriel. Memories suddenly overwhelmed her all over again, rushing in as she clutched her head. Memories of a family. Lord Asriel was suddenly beside her, but he only made it worse as she was reminded of other Lyra's life even more. She felt ruggedly hands gently catch her as she drifted into darkness for the second time that day.

Lord Asriel had to admit that he was concerned, as he was tightly clenching Stelmaria's fur. They were both restless. Tired to the death, but restless all the same. He stared at his daughter with something that resembled fear most of all. All those years he never spent too much time with her. He was proud of her, of course, but he didn't need to see her that often. He was a busy man and he always told himself that she was safe. And that was enough.

If someone wanted to insult him, they could simply tell him that he was sentimental or irrational. Yet, he was reluctant to listen to the rational part of him, telling him that she was just overwhelmed with everything. But she was so strong. Almost invincible. It wasn't in her nature to be overwhelmed easily. Could it be something more serious?

He frowned. He could let it go for now, but he would be watching her for the next few days. He looked at the Stelmaria for the last time and meet his daemon's green eyes. They had to keep her safe no matter what. She could hate him and he could hate her, even if he doubted himself to be capable of such emotion towards her, but she had to stay safe. He shifted his body to a more comfortable position. There was nothing he could do now. Tomorrow, he will think about it tomorrow.