On the Seventh day…God Made Gravy
Author Note: I know this is a bit...weird...but I'm hyper, and have had no sleep, and just had this idea...and I had to go with it. Because every good authoress has to have a 'WTF' type story. Wait..I have...4...and now...5...so...does that make me an overachiever?
Summary: AU Kagome is mad and not talking. Sesshoumaru decides to make her talk again. The only way he knows how. By driving her insane.
Kagome glared at Sesshoumaru's hair. Then she glared at his stupid tattoos. A moon on his forehead? Was the guy ASKING to get his ass kicked? Okay…so maybe Sesshoumaru getting his ass kicked happened only …..never….okay, never…yeah…never. But hey, she NEEDED something to glare at. And after his tattoos, she only had his face…and you just couldn't glare at his face.
Nope. Because that would mean she'd have to look at his eyes. And that would suck. Because every time she looked at his eyes, she cracked, and told him what was bothering her. He usually made her laugh, and she'd get over it, all in about a minute or five.
But not today. Oh, no. Today, she wanted to SIMMER. She wanted to stew this thing over until it blew up like a volcanic eruption. She wanted lava damnit!
"LAVA!!! BURN BABY!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!"
He looked at her, eyebrow raised in that annoyingly perfect arch. Sometimes she had a deep urge to just—
"One word about shaving this Sesshoumaru's eyebrow off, and I'll be forced to kill you." He remarked, in a bored tone. She pouted.
How does he always know?
"You always think that after I raise my eyebrow. You told me so yourself."
Kagome blinked. She did? When was this?
"You were hyped up on sugar and on a rant about things that annoyed you. My eyebrow raising was brought up. Several times."
She scoffed. One time.
"Three, it was three times."
Three times hardly counts as severa—
"Seventeen if you count the song that you started yelling at the top of your voice, halfway into said rant."
There was a song?
"Oh yes, there was a song. Complete with dance movements."
There was a dance?
"It was okay. Not your best effort."
THERE WAS AN EFFORT?!?! OH GOD!!!—
"Don't worry. My half-witted brother—"
Half-witted's being a bit generous, don'tcha think?
"I'm in a giving mood. Anyway, he ...you okay?"
Kagome was now back to glaring wholes into Sesshoumaru's hair, or trying to, anyway. Not succeeding. If she succeeded, Sesshoumaru would kill her. And she wanted to LIVE!!!! UNTIL 99 BABY!!! Or…until she found away to pull that eyebrow thing off without him—
"I sleep with one eye open, my room's burglar proof, my rug's been known to eat people from time to time, and remember I am a demon. And I bite. Hard."
A rug that eats people? Puh—
"I shat you not. Remember Finny?"
Her eyes widened. YOU TOLD ME FINNY WENT TO A HAPPY PLACE!!!
"Well I'm assuming she did. I mean…there was that one incident with the pencil sharpener, but I'm sure, that in the eyes of G—"
"I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKIN ABOUT HAWAII!!!"
"Well that was stupid of you."
"I WAS 6!!!! I STARTED TALKIN ABOUT GOIN TA VISIT HER! YOU REALIZE THAT BECAUSE OF YOU, MY MA' PUT ME ON SUICIDE WATCH?!!?!? MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN IDIOT!!!"
"…well actually…" He stopped. "I'm sorry, it's just too easy…I don't know where to begin." He smirked. "Made you talk though."
Kagome grumbled, slightly miffed that he ALWAYS got her to talk. She would take a vow of silence and he'd cause her to break it within two nanoseconds. Like when they were 8, for instance….
FLASHBACK
Kagome sat up in her bed, pointedly ignoring Sesshoumaru, who was poking her. She was a good ignorer personer, really, she was. But Sesshoumaru was sooooo good at driving her insane. But not this time. This time, she was serious. And it seemed to work. Every thing that little demon tried, he failed. And she stayed silent. But THEN…THEEEEENNNNN…He did the most horrible act yet.
He started singing. And not just any song, either. It was THE song.
"This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people STARTED singing while not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it FOREVER just because. This is the song that never ends………"
And on and on and on and on for 1 whole hour. But halfway through the hour, he forgot the words. So it was thirty whole minutes of him going "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Eventually he ran out of fuel. Or so she thought. But then…he found…IT. Her stereo. And the press play button.
"SO TELL ME WHAT YA WANT WHAT YA REALLY REALLY WANT SO TELL ME WHAT YA WANT…"
'No…' Her eyes widened as Sesshoumaru actually started to OPEN his mouth to sing along. 'Please…on all that is pure…and holy…if he sings…I'll crack. I swear to god, I'll crack.'
"SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TE---"
That was when she started throttling him, calling him every name in the book, and THEN some. "YOU WUSSIFIED FOOFASSED SLOURIN FOUR!!!"
END FLASHBACK
"I hate you."
"When I become a cereal killer, and take out Toocan Sam, and Fred Flintstone, I want you to remember all the horrible things you've said to me."
"Toocan Sam? What are you, four?"
He just stared at her. "This coming from the woman who dreams about shaving my eyebrows off."
"I'm not alone, ya know. Me and Sango, we have MEETINGS."
A blank look. "You…have meetings….about…my eyebrow….?"
"Yup. We've even given it a name."
"It already has a name."
Was it her imagination, or did Fluffy seem a bit defensive? Or…jealous?
She snickered. "No! Tell me you aren't…"
He sniffed. "Aren't what?"
"You're….mad….that we picked out your eyebrow's name without consulting you!"
Sesshoumaru glared down at Kagome, who in turn started to giggle. "Well it's MY eyebrow, I ought to have a say in it."
"Yeah…but seeing how one day we'll be killing it, we didn't really want you to get too attached, ya know?"
The eyebrow-in-danger raised its ugly head yet again. "Eyebrow's grow back, surely you realize this?"
Blue eyes rolled with annoyance. "Well yeah, but they grow back differently after they're shaved."
"I'm sleeping with both eyes open now."
"It's just a theory!"
"And a BODYGUARD. There will be a bodyguard on duty at all times."
It was Kagome's turn to raise her eyebrow. "Riiight, and when your dad asks why a huge man named 'Bubba' is following you around….?"
"I'm sure he'll understand. He's probably been in the same situation as I have."
"I'm sure he has."
A glare. "Have you seen the man's eyebrows? Bushy they are."
"Yeah…it's like…they've mutated onto his eyes…and like…that's all you see, when you look at him, two big fucking eyebrows staring at you."
He snorted. "I probably shouldn't mention that to him when asking him to shell millions of dollars for a bodyguard."
But it seemed like she was still stuck on his dad's eyebrows. "...it's like…they FOLLOW your every move. He's like…the eyebrow ALIEN. If the eyebrow aliens ever invaded earth, they'd take one look at your dad and be like…'ET!!!!!!'"
His scratched his ear. "We could shave his eyebrows? Let him get a taste for the light side. Maybe when the aliens come for him he'd be lenient on us."
"You know what's gonna happen if we shave his eyebrows? There aint gonna be nothing left when his eyebrows grow back, three time bushier. He'll be like, two big eyebrows just FLOATING in mid-air. And it's hard as hell to find a Christmas present for FLOATING eyebrows."
InuTashio never would understand why his trimmers would then proceed to disappear from that day forward. By hey…some things were better left unsolved.