When the lights do eventually go down at the end of the song, Emily is still wrapped in Paige's arms and for the briefest of moments it's all forgotten: -A; Cece; Hanna's mom; her own life in tatters and it feels like it always feels when she's with Paige: safe, calm, happy, like she still has a world of possibilities, like she has a safe space to be. She pushes her body back into Paige and feels her sigh into her neck and tighten her hold. She doesn't want to break this feeling. She can feel Paige's heartbeat pulsing behind her own, raised slightly from the dancing, and from her own proximity – and momentarily she can feel it, her own heart beating in time with Paige's. She needs this to never stop, needs tonight to never end. She turns staying as close to Paige as she can, letting one hand trail over Paige's bare stomach, leaves the palm resting flat against it, her little finger resting just above her belt buckle, she smiles as she feels Paige's breathing hitch and the little flutter of her stomach muscles, goosebumps raising where her fingers trail. Leaning forwards she presses a kiss to Paige's neck, then another until she's by her ear, where she whispers,
"Can we go somewhere?"
She leans back to see Paige's reaction, they haven't been intimate in weeks, since before her stupid aborted birthday party, what with cars in her living room, hurt shoulders and hurt feelings. She wants Paige so much, she would even consider the flat-bed of the truck she and Spencer tried to steal.
Emily sees Paige swallow and knows that even though the lights are low, Paige is blushing. At last, Paige says,
"I guess. I'm not sure where. My parents are home. And, you don't have a home. And I'm sure as hell not sleeping with you in Alison's old room."
Paige shrugs, disappointment snaking along her shoulders, her back, not noticing Emily wincing slightly at the mention of Ali – disappointed that Paige would think that Emily would even consider that an option.
"I'm not staying at Ali's anymore – I'm staying with Spencer."
And again, Emily sees something flicker over Paige's face, that settles into the set of her jaw, the slight slump in her shoulders, disappointment, but more than disappointment: hurt, anger.
"It was only decided today, earlier, but not when I saw you with Zoe's letter – it was after that."
Paige nods her head a little.
They stand at a disconnect still. From afar, they're as close as they can be, Emily's hand on the flat of Paige's stomach, her other around her waist resting gently on the small of her back. Paige's arms tight around Emily. But they both feel it – this disconnect, like a small stone between them. Emily shuts her eyes, doesn't want to see it, acknowledge it. Leans forwards until she's resting her forehead on Paige's, says, quietly, desperately,
"I love you."
Feels Paige's arms tighten around her, but she doesn't say it back. She tries again,
"Paige. I want you. There must be somewhere."
By now, she's seriously considering the flat-bed truck. It has a lot of straw, could be fun. She thinks of Spencer's – there's no way she could sneak Paige in without being caught. She sighs, jolted slightly by Paige's sudden movement,
"Oh!"
"What?"
"I still have the keys to my aunt's lake-house, if, if, you," Paige is nervous remembering the last time they were there – she doesn't want to evoke bad memories - memories she's still trying to deal with. Emily smiles at her,
"Yes. Good. Let's go there."
"Ok." Paige hesitates a moment while Emily turns to leave, grabs her hand, "Are you sure?"
"Yes. C'mon, let's go." Gives her hand a little tug and despite herself, Paige can't help the smile that appears at the corners of her mouth.
AS they pull up at the house, Paige puts the car into park as Emily reaches across the console and takes her hand. During the drive over they were quiet. Emily told Paige what had happened. Told her about Cece, about what they suspect about her and Paige listens quietly like she always does. She tells her she's moving into Spencer's because she can't abide living in Ali's house anymore and Emily is sure she sees Paige breathe out a sigh when she says that. Paige entwines their fingers, but she's quiet, thoughtful. She seems sad. And all Emily wants to do is to kiss it away, because she has this need now, that's grown into an aching desire for Paige, to show her what she means, because she can never tell her, because there's always someone listening and sometimes the words come out wrong and words can lie and don't say what she means, like that stupid comment about mushy squash. Because of course Paige didn't know what she meant. Of course. And so, she leans into Paige but she messes it up, because Paige is still busy sorting out the car and finding the keys to the house and so when Emily leans forward she misses Paige's mouth and lands an awkward kiss on the side of her nose.
And they don't even laugh.
When they get inside it isn't much better. They're awkward. Clumsy. They're never like this, even their first time was never like this. Every turn of their head is wrong. Their kisses miss their mark. Emily fumbles when she tries to undo Paige's belt and Paige's hands get caught up in Emily's bandana. Their kisses are sloppy. Their caresses too harsh. Emily pushes at Paige until they stumble to the couch. Paige tries to sit, loses her balance and in trying to regain it she pushes Emily away. Holds her at arms length, dips her head and sighs,
"What's going on?"
Emily won't acknowledge it. Not yet. She's sure they'll be ok, they just need to get going. She just needs to get Paige out of her clothes, they'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be ok. It'll all be ok. It'll – until she feels Paige's hold on her soften and she steps forwards puts her arms around her and holds her, quiet, gentle, kisses her hair by her ear and Emily tastes her own tears on her lips, let's go, sobs in the arms of the girl she loves but the one she keeps hurting, the one she needs but keeps pushing away, the one who comes back time and time again. But something's shifted. Emily can feel it. She can feel it in the way Paige is kissing her, in the way she's holding her, in the way she can't quite hold her gaze. And she's terrified.
Emily knows there's a line. And she knows she's hovering around it. And she knows it isn't enough to just show her. She knows she has to try and do what she's never been very good at: she has to try and explain. So, she lets herself cry a little more until the sobs subside and she's a little more calm. Paige stands back and leads her to the couch where they sit. Paige's voice breaks a little as she says,
"Em? What's going on?"
"I-I'm sorry."
"It's ok. With everything going on I'm not surprised." But her voice is flat, dead.
"No, Paige!" Her nerves make her harsher than she means, "No. I want to apologise to you. For the way I treated you tonight. You didn't deserve that."
And it's the fact that Paige says nothing, doesn't try and dissuade her from that statement that means Emily's right. She holds Paige's gaze, swallows and says firmly,
"I'm sorry. I should have called you. I should have gone to the dance with you. And when I got there, I sure as hell shouldn't have just ignored you all night. I'm sorry. I can't imagine what you were thinking."
"I think you can." Paige is calm, she's had time to think whilst Emily's been frantic.
"Yeah." Emily looks at the floor, "I can."
"So?"
"So. I don't want to break up with you. I want to try and see if we can make it work. I know 3000 miles is a long way. I know 4 years is a long time. But let's try. Let's see. I can't bear to think of my life without you in it."
Paige gently takes Emily's hand, runs her thumb over the back of it. Emily watches the small movement and her heart is lifted slightly. Paige swallows, asks quietly,
"So, what do we do?"
Emily sighs loudly,
"I'm not sure. But I think we need to talk about it. I think we need to talk about some other options – together."
Paige's body relaxes,
"Oh thank God. Ok. We can do that. That's good." That's a start. "But, Em, you have to talk to me. We need to communicate."
"I know. I know that, and I'll try not to shut you out again, I promise."
She smiles a little shyly, leans forwards and places a kiss at the corner of Paige's mouth, sighs,
"I love you, so much."
"I love you too."
Emily shifts closer, slides a hand into Paige's hair and pulls her closer until their lips connect. She kisses Paige with everything she wants to say, bites gently on Paige's lip, then pulls back, resting her forehead on Paige's. She feels Paige's tension relax, in her back and shoulders in the set of her jaw - watches as her eyes close. Then,
"Em. What the hell does 'mushy squash' mean?"
Emily laughs,
"Um, I just remembered something Ali said to me –"
Paige cuts her off,
"Ok. I don't wanna know that much."
Emily laughs, she leans in and lets her lips brush Paige's and her body moves instinctively towards her, runs a hand up her bare arm, the other one fists into Paige's hair. For her turn, one of Paige's hands slips to Emily's waist, the other to her neck, deepening the kiss so their tongues meet. Paige slides a hand along Emily's bare thigh. They pull one another closer, closer again, until Emily pulls away and Paige looks at her quizzically,
"What? What is it? Emily?"
Emily smiles and stands up, she holds out a hand to pull her up from the couch, says
"You've been driving me crazy in that outfit tonight, McCullers. C'mon, I really want to take it off you, slowly."
Paige laughs and blushes, standing up, she takes Emily's hand,
"Yeah?"
"Mm hm."
Paige leads Emily over to the bedroom where they stand in the threshold and look at one another for a few minutes and Emily thinks about how in the great chaos of her life, Paige stands as the one good thing, the one steady thing. She knows that Paige is the girl who comes along only once in a lifetime, she knows she has to hold on to her, grasp her with both hands, hold on and never let go through whatever is thrown at them. She shakes her head lightly, Paige tilts her head,
"What?"
"Paige, whatever happens, don't let me let you go."
"I'll try."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Emily presses a warm hand onto Paige's stomach, feels her flinch, then sigh as she slides her fingers around her belt buckle and pulls her towards her. They kiss again, tongues brushing, nipping at lips as the kiss becomes more passionate. Paige's hands move to Emily's bandana and this time, expertly removes it, she runs a hand down Emily's cleavage until she reaches the top button on Emily's shirt, grins as she pops it open, then moves down to the next until Emily's shirt is open and Paige slides her arms around Emily's waist pulling her towards her, kissing hungrily. Emily pushes Paige's vest off her shoulders and lets it drop to the floor she slowly, almost agonizingly unlaces Paige's shirt, breath heavy, both moaning. They move with their practiced grace, shirts taken off, bras unclasped in swift, practiced movements. They fit together again. Emily toys with Paige's belt buckle, hears Paige chuckle as she presses open mouthed kisses along Emily's jaw,
"I was hoping you'd like that."
"Oh. I like it. I like it a lot." She pulls at it, grins at Paige, "What you do to me, McCullers. I almost don't want you to take it off."
"Oh. No. It's coming off."
They laugh as Emily finally undoes the buckle, then Paige's jeans' button, then lowers her zipper. They pull away as both take off boots and jeans and shorts and then stand, face to face, eyes locked. Emily pushes Paige backwards towards the bed until Paige sits and Emily straddles her lap. Paige slips a hand around Emily's ass, then dips into her underwear to squeeze her ass, Emily raises herself up a little so Paige can manouver her panties off, slip them down her legs onto the floor. She moans in anticipation as, holding her gaze Paige pushes two fingers into her; Emily arches her back, and Paige brings her mouth to one of her nipples and sucks slowly, running her tongue over it, feeling it harden under her mouth. She grips Emily's back with her other hand, setting up a rhythm inside her until she can feel and hear that Emily's close and she moves her thumb to Emily's clit, until she cries out, panting. As her orgasm subsides, Emily leans in and rests her head in the crook of Paige's neck. She's out of breath, sweat lightly clinging to her as she pushes into Paige trying to get closer. Paige slowly and gently moves her hand until she's holding Emily tightly against her and they sit, just to hold one another caught within the moment. Thinking that within this moment, within this love, they're the lucky ones.