I'm Ready, I Am

by FirstDayOfMyLife

Edward is coming back to the Cullens after being on his own for 10 years. He has not kept up with their vegetarian lifestyle but he is tired of being alone and so he will go back and try his best for them. Will someone be there to help him along the way?

The Indies First Time Writer Challenge" One-Shot Contest

Title: I'm Ready, I am

Pen name: FirstDayofMyLife

Primary Players: Edward And Bella

Rating: T

Word Count: 6,005

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight (I wish) and I am no Stephanie Meyer, oh how nice it must be to come up with the lovely Edward Cullen. ;)

To see other entries in the "The Indies First Time Writer Challenge" contest, please visit the C2:

http://www[dot]fanfiction[dot]net/community/The_Indies_First_Time_Writer_Challenge/74097/

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I don't know what I am doing. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I just want everything to be clear and life to be easy. Unfortunately, life is rarely easy and for me I feel that is most certainly true. I have a lot more praying on my mind than what a so-called normal person, would have to deal with.

My name is Edward Cullen and I am a vampire. I was made by Carlisle, who thought he was saving me, by giving me eternal life. After my change I was hurt and confused and Carlisle took me under his wing, teaching me how to live like him. We began a family, a coven which slowly grew larger until there were seven vampires, all living together following the same way of life. That same way of life that goes against everything we are and is the source of my problems today. You see, my family and I choose to drink the blood of animals instead of taking human lives. A moral decision for us, predominately made by Carlisle and followed by the rest. It took me awhile to figure out that we were so different from everyone else, that our way of life went against everything our nature desired. This thing that makes us so different from other vampires was actually a pretty big fucking deal. Yes, I obviously knew drinking animal blood was unusual. Our kind desired human blood, we were built to hunt and consume human prey. I just did not know to what extent my family; our chosen way of existing was an anomaly in the vampire world. There are actually only a select few vampires who choose to live on the blood of animals, as vegetarians, as my family likes to call it. It makes sense really because living off of animals, denying ourselves of humans makes us weaker. We do not live up to our full potential and who would want to live like that, especially in such a brutal world as ours is. Yet, we did and it seemed to work for us. We lived together isolated and peaceful. We did not need to have superior strength and agility for our lifestyle. We were strong enough, fast enough and we had what was important. Determination and resistance. There were some slip ups in that said resistance, of course, but for the most part we stayed devoted. I stayed devoted, that was until recent times.

I left my family about ten years ago. A rebellious period I guess you could call it. I left them and our lifestyle to go on alone, living by my most basic instincts. I know it doesn't seem to make sense. Why after being devoted to one way of life for so long suddenly disregard everything I worked for and do the opposite. But, that is what I did. I was angry. I was angry for being a vampire. I was angry that I even existed at all, when it should not be possible. I was angry at denying myself of my nature, angry at the lifestyle my family and I chose. Five years ago I threw all caution to the wind and went out to be what I was. I chose to live how I was meant to live. I loved my family and I respected them, I just knew I had to do this. I had to get out and I thought that they would be fine without me. Our family of seven would even out with me gone. Everyone else was mated off while I was always left feeling a little disconnected and little left out and alone. This only added to my desire to go out and find out where I belonged and who I was once and for all.

So, here I am ten years later. Still alone, still unsure of my existence and how I want to live my life. But, for now I wanted to be not alone. I wanted my family back and I wanted to feel something again other than pain and frustration. Before I left on this little adventure I had always lived semi-contentedly and going out to try and figure myself out did not change anything. Now I am back, feeling immensely guilty, but knowing I can't take it back. What I do know is that I am here to try again. I am nervous and unsure that I can make this change. Going back to surviving on animals will be infinitely more difficult. I don't want to fail and I don't want to disappoint my family. I understand why Carlisle chose this way of life and I want to do right by him and the rest of my family.

This leads me to why I am back in Forks, Washington outside my family's home trying to gauge what is going on inside and work up the courage to go in and slip my self back into their lives. I know Alice has seen me coming and I know she hasn't told anyone else. It's only a matter of time before she comes out here and starts shoving me towards the door. I try and imagine how everyone will react to me coming home. I know Carlisle will welcome me back with open arms, he hopes all of us will follow his lifestyle but does not fault any of us if we do not choose to do so. Esme will be ecstatic to have her family back together again, she is unhappy when we are not altogether or at least in contact. My years away were probably hard on her. Jasper and Emmett will be happy I am home, but I know it will be hard on Jasper. He will not only have to deal with his own struggle to resist the smell of humans, but will have to feel my struggle as well. Rosalie will most likely be indifferent, frankly I don't think she cares one way or another whether I am there with them or not.

As I am thinking this, I see Alice slip out the front door and head straight for me.

She bounds over to me and envelops me into a tight hug while whispering, "Are you going to stand out here all day, Edward." She looks at me and she knows I am nervous.

"So much has changed Edward and I am so happy you are finally here." I look at her wondering what she means by so much has changed and I see flashes of the most beautiful girl in her mind.

"Who is Bella?" I ask.

"Well, Edward. Bella is one of us and she is part of our family now. I said a lot has changed and it really has. There's so much to tell, which is why you have to come inside and let everyone know you are back!"

I look at her in a state of shock. When did this happen? I know I have been out of contact for awhile, but how did I now know of this Bella and her introduction into my family. I don't want to feel like a spoiled child, certainly the reasons that I went away have made it highly inappropriate, but I feel put out…replaced. Why did no one tell me about this?

"Alice! When did this happen? How is she part of the family now? Why? What, I left and you guys suddenly feel the need to go and find someone else to come in and be part of the family?"

I know I am being irrational, but I just cannot seem to stop the anger that I am feeling.

"Edward, it's not like that at all!! You know we love you and we have been waiting for you to come back! No one knew when that would be! You have to give us some credit, we are not trying to replace you, how dare you think that! And Bella is amazing, you just wait and see. Everyone loves her, she is so sweet. Well, Rose is still a little wary and cold towards her. But, you know Rose, she doesn't like anyone who is more beautiful than she is. And Edward, Bella is beautiful. I know you will just love her!!!" Alice says, as she gives me her knowing smirk. What? This girl has come in and swept my family off their feet. I feel even less ready now to go in to my own house and see my own family. This Bella probably knows everything about me from my family, while I know virtually nothing about her. I mean, how did I not know about her? Alice interrupts my musings by giving me a playful shove.

"Come on, Edward! You came back to us, we haven't seen you in so long and we missed you so much. Let's go inside. I promise you there is nothing to be worried about. Who knows? Maybe you and Bella will get along a lot better than you think."

Alice then winks at me and swiftly turns around and skips back towards the house. I shake my head and begin to follow her. Even though the wealth of information Alice has provided me with has made me more nervous, I am grateful for her coming out here and telling me to get my ass inside. God knows I would have been out here all night. I sigh, I've really missed my family.

I walk up towards the house and through the front door that Alice went into a few moments ago. I know she is telling everyone that I am back. I walk in and see Esme and Carlisle standing in the foyer. Carlisle looks at me and smiles. Welcome home son he thinks. While Esme walks over beaming and catches me in a tight hug.

"Edward" she says as her smile is wide and bright. I know just by looking at how happy my parents are that I made the right decision to come home and try this life again.

"I'm sorry for leaving. I missed you guys so much"

"Oh hush, Edward! You are back now, my family is altogether again and that is all that matters."

I look up and see Jasper standing beside Alice.

"It's good to have you back, bro." He says, while Alice is hopping up and down beside him. She is beaming at me and thinking, I can see it already, everything is perfect now that you are home!

I hear Emmett before I see him bounding down the stairs with Rosalie behind him and he is screaming, "Eddie! Eddie! We missed you man." As he leaps onto me and pulls me into a headlock.

"Don't call me Eddie, Emmett." I say huffily as I pull away, but I am really happy to see him. Emmett is always so carefree and joking around and that is what I love about him.

Emmett laughed, "I'm glad to see you are still the same uptight brother you were before you left. Figured being out on your own you'd come back a little looser, having relieved some of that tension if you know what I mean." As he raises his eyebrows at me while smirking. "Still need to get laid, though I see?" Him and Jasper start laughing loudly at that.

"Emmett" I seethed. "Seriously." I'm used to these cracks by Emmett, but I am still feeling nervous and uncomfortable because I have yet to meet or see Bella.

"Come on guys leave your brother alone." Esme said as she hugged me again.

I see, who I assume to be, Bella standing at the top of the stairs and I am frozen. When Alice said she was beautiful, that was a severe understatement. My eyes are locked on her while she walks down the stairs.

"Hi" she says in a soft melodic voice, the tiniest smile playing on her lips. I'm still staring at her, gaping like a fish out of water. Say something you idiot! She's looking at you expectantly.

Alice saves me from my silence, skipping over and making unneeded introductions that my awkwardness has seemed to have made necessary.

"Edward, this Bella." I told you she was beautiful. Alice thought while eyeing me.

"Bella, this is my long lost brother that you have heard so much about."

"Edward, it's a pleasure to put a face to the name that is talked about so much around here. I hope you don't feel to put out by coming home and finding me here with your family." Bella says, seemingly knowing that was exactly what I was feeling.

"Aw, Bells, you are part of the family now and Eddie boy here doesn't mind. He needs a little extra company around here you know." Emmett winks at me while wrapping his arm around Bella. I still haven't said anything to her yet and I am already a little jealous at how comfortable and loving everyone seems towards her.

I look around and everyone was thinking about my reaction to Bella. Carlisle is trying to gauge my response, hoping that we will get along. He seems to have a strong respect for her and knows that it will crush Esme if we don't get along.

Esme is watching hopefully, wishing that Bella and I will get along. She is worried because I have never shown an interest in anyone before and hoping that Bella will change that. I can see that she loves Bella, which doesn't surprise me because Esme has always had big heart making it easy to accept anyone.

Emmett thinks Bella is the perfect thing to loosen me up a bit. Bella's fun. He thinks, just what you need, Eddie. Heh. Heh.

Jasper is hoping we would get along because he didn't want me running off again. Apparently, Alice had been sad the whole time I was away. I knew that she would take it the hardest when I left because we had always been close, but it still hurt to see that my absence had hurt all of them. I know they missed me just as much as I missed them, which just emphasizes my uncertainty of my decision of leaving was the right thing to do.

I look over to Rosalie, realizing I hadn't greeted her yet and all that filled her mind were thoughts about why everyone liked Bella so much. Even I, she notices, seem to be taken with her, without knowing anything about her. She wanted to know what was so special about Bella that she has seemingly entranced the whole family. I can tell that Rosalie does not really like Bella, but this I can understand because Rosalie was a highly jealous person and I think she feels threatened by Bella's beauty.

I finally look back over at Bella and stare at her inquisitively. Wondering what she is thinking of me, for I still haven't said one word to her. I realize then that this whole time as I have been listening to my family I have heard nothing from her. I couldn't hear her thoughts. That has never happened before; everything was silent as I looked at her.

"I can't hear you." I unconsciously whisper aloud.

"I didn't say anything" Bella says while gazing at me confusingly.

"I can't hear your thoughts" I say, wondering if Bella knows about my ability.

"Interesting" I hear Carlisle murmur.

"Alice told me about your gift when she explained hers and Jasper's."

"Do their gifts work on you?" I ask.

"Yes. I mean I know I can feel Jasper's emotions sometimes and Alice has told me when she has gotten visions of me. Like the day I met your family. She said she saw our meeting."

I groaned frustrated as I ran my hands through my hair. This was equally intriguing and annoying. I have been so used to gaining access to people's minds to get information and insight on them and the one person that I really want to know what she is thinking is the one that I cannot seem to hear.

Edward. Why don't we go into my study? I hear Carlisle and look up at him and nod.

"I'm going to go talk to Edward and then I am sure we can all fill each other in on what has happened while Edward was away." He says to everyone.

I follow Carlisle upstairs, into his study and slide down onto his brown leather sofa.

"Carlisle, I am so sorry."

"Edward there is no need to apologize. You know I would never force you or anyone else to live the way I choose to do so." He responds, knowing that I am talking about when I left. He was always so understanding and confident about our nature and that is why I always respected and admired him.

"I know I know!" I growl. "It's just….ughh…Why did I do this? Why did I leave you guys? Everything has changed, I have missed so much. And for what? Going out there accomplished nothing. I was angry and confused. I thought I could change who I was or that I would have this huge revelation and know I could never take a human life. I thought that by going out there and living how our kind was "supposed" to live, I would stop and realize how disgusting it was or how wrong it was. But, Carlisle I didn't feel that way. Yes, I feel guilty now and I wished I hadn't gone out there and killed those people. But I wish that for all the wrong reasons. It didn't feel wrong when I was hunting it felt exhilarating and powerful. And I only wish I didn't go because now that I am back I know the taste of human blood and I have the strong urge to go and hunt for it. I feel angry because I know that I disappointed you and hurt the family by going against everything we stand for. I got lonely and came back to be with you guys. I missed everyone while I was away, but all I can think about is that I wish I could have both. I know it's wrong and I do have guilt on my conscience. I swear to you Carlisle, not that this makes it any better, but I only killed those who were evil and hurtful. Murderers and rapists. Jesus, part of the time I justified to myself that I was some god damn hero, when really I was just a monster killing other monsters. I feel so sick that it didn't disgust me. That I still want to be out there. But, I wanted to come home more. I want to live like you do, I want to be here and I understand why you hunt animals instead of humans. I really do… and I want to try again. I am just angry that I fucked it up and made it so hard on myself. Because now I know I won't be satisfied. I know how much better it could be, how much better I could be and I don't like that. I just want to take it back. I don't want to want to kill people."

"Edward, everything happens for a reason. You have to deal with the decisions you have made, but I know all of us will help you. And I think you should talk to Bella. I know you do not know her yet, but I think out of all of us, she will be the one to help you with this struggle the most." Carlisle says. "I am not angry with you, son, nor ashamed that you did this. I am glad you are back with us and I see the strength it took for you to stop hunting and live our lifestyle again. It will be hard, but you have already come so far in coming back."

"I think the family went out to hunt to give us some time to talk alone. Let's go hunt, too. Then we can come back and we can all spend some time filling each other in. I know you are wondering why Bella is here and part of our family now. And I'm sure the others will want to let you know what has been going on around here." Carlisle says as he stands and walks towards the door to his study. I walk out the door after him while he says, "And Edward I think you should take the next couple of weeks and really get to know Bella. I know you probably don't want to tell us all the things you did while you were away. I know you feel guilty and frankly most of us probably do not want to hear all your deeds, but I think telling Bella and hearing her reasoning on why she lives our lifestyle will make it easier for you to do it too."

3 weeks later

I have been back for three weeks and they have been far from great. I have been irritable, or more emo than normal as Emmett would tell me, short-tempered and all not that pleasant to be around. I have been hunting constantly to try and ease the burn in my throat, but I still have not been far away from the house, too afraid of what would happen once I smelled a human scent. I feel like a caged animal of sorts, trying to strengthen my will and reconnect with my family, but I have been rather on edge.

Everyone is glad that I am back, but I do seem to have created a tenser atmosphere in the house. Everyone is very careful around me, making sure that I will not run off and do something I will regret. And it does not help that I am making the blood lust worst for Jasper through my thoughts and feelings. He had always been the one to have a hard time with this "vegetarian" lifestyle because it was very different from the life he led when he was turned, everyone knew he was just doing this for Alice. Thus, he had taken to not being around much in the last few weeks, but he did tell me, just like Carlisle iterated, to talk to Bella. So, I did take their advice and I directed most of my focus and energy into getting to know Bella. She really is a fascinating creature. She seems so different from the rest of us and the fact that I cannot read her makes me that much more interested.

After a few months of being home Bella and I have grown really close. Initially it was a little awkward as I was stand-offish, but once I warmed up to her we were always together. We learned about each other and she knew when to keep me relaxed or distracted, when I was feeling particularly tense or weak.

She was helping me; I was beginning to understand how she came to live with my family and why she follows the lifestyle that Carlisle has so adamantly sworn by.

She would take me hunting with her or talk about the things she loves. Bella had this unusual quirk in that she loved to lie in bed all the time. She said that it made her feel almost as if she could sleep, almost as if she were again. At night, she would close here eyes and lie still for hours, and she would tell me that there came a point of such mindlessness that she almost felt she were sleeping and that is when she felt most a peace.

I remember when she told me the story of how she was turned. It shows that she definitely has a strength and resolution that I am lacking.

It was one of those stormy nights in which Bella would normally curl up in her bed, that she had found me in my room angry and pacing and she had taken to distracting me when I felt a strong urge to hunt, and not for animals. She took me into her room and we lay down on her bed (because even I could admit that such a human necessity was indeed peaceful and relaxing) and she told me the story of how she was changed.

"Well, initially, it was all sort of distant." She starts.

I was walking through the trails up in Alaska. I had always loved the snow and it was so nice to come here with my dad and get away. I normally lived all year with my mother in Phoenix, Arizona and well, I don't think my house there has ever seen a single snowflake. It was getting colder as I walked around the trails outside our rented cabin and I suddenly got an eerie sensation. I turned around to make my way back to the cabin when I found myself on the ground suddenly with something heavy on top of me… then all went black. I wake up in a hazy dream-state where all I feel is burning everywhere in my body. I am disoriented and do not where I am, who I am, or what is happening to me. I cannot move and I lay in excruciating pain for what seems like an eternity. I slip in and out of consciousness, but never stop feeling the pain. Suddenly I jolt awake and take in my surroundings. I hear a hundred things at once while my other senses are being assaulted. There is a deep ache in my throat and suddenly I am flying through the forest past snow and ice and trees following the most exquisite smell. I ran straight to a group of men who were out hunting and jumped on the nearest one. I sank my teeth into his neck and felt his sweet warmth flow into my mouth, easing the burn as it went down my throat. Before I even had time to register what was happening, I had killed seven men and kept on running.

"I awoke thirsty and disoriented Edward and I did not know what I was." Bella told me as we lay side by side, curled up on her bed. "I was running without a purpose with only my hunger as a guide and I was very dangerous. There was no logic flowing through my mind, when suddenly I was met with two other vampires. Carmen and Eleazar, you know them I think, were the ones who found me. They calmed me down until I reached a coherent state and then I was suddenly surrounded by immense dread and guilt. I still did not understand what I was, but I had killed people. Even worse, Edward, I had killed people I knew. Those men who were out there were close friends of my father. In fact, my father was supposed to be with them. That was why I was hiking the trails that day, because my father had left me to go hunt with his friends and so I went out on my own. When I had disappeared those same men and my father were out in the woods searching for me. To this day, I do not know why he was not with those men when I killed them, but it is a miracle that he wasn't. I would not have stopped for anyone."

"Carmen and Eleazar were amazing. They took me in and explained to me the transformation. They were shocked that I was a newborn, alone. We pieced together the puzzle and figured I was attacked and left for dead. Whoever changed me was probably young and thought that they actually killed me. Carmen and Eleazar let me stay with them and they would teach me about vampires and our nature. They were naturally cautious because I was a newborn, unpredictable and considerably stronger, but they told me that after my initial outburst I exercised extraordinary restraint. My guilt had completely consumed me and when I had later went back to investigate and realized that I could have killed my father; it made me even more upset yet resilient. Carmen explained to me that what I did was my nature now. I, of course, had heard the legends of vampires and knew that they drank the blood of humans as sustenance, but I just could not do it. After that first day, I had no desire to kill humans. If I smell them or am around them, it does not turn me on. My conscience seemed to highly outweigh the power of our nature. Carmen then told me about the way that they live, how they only lived on the blood of animals and it sustained them just fine. I was relieved that these two people had stumbled upon me and seemed to have all the answers to help me. I vowed to never again drink the blood of humans and they gave me an alternative. They taught me how to live this life, while also watching me to make sure I did not kill anyone else. They though for sure that because I was so freshly transformed, I would not be able to resist the smell of human blood, yet sure enough when I smelled that sweet scent, I would have flashes of the men I killed and then my father. I just could not handle the thought of killing and thus I didn't."

"The thought of taking a life horrified me, so from that day on I have hunted animals, first with Carmen and Eleazar, now with your family, and I have never been unsatisfied. The satisfaction I get from a clear conscience is enough for me to resist. I respect and miss being human so much. To really see that you are doing good by not killing you have to appreciate human nature. Appreciate what makes them different, and that is their mortality. It is beautiful and I feel that humans are not our prey. Just because we have the power to kill them doesn't mean we should. As vampires we are not God, no matter how many of us get off on that power rush, of the quenching of our thirst as we feed. Carmen and Eleazar eventually called Carlisle and told him about me. They told me he was equally taken with my strength and ability of restraint. Carlisle came up to meet with me and then invited me down to stay with him to better understand how I was able to sort of defy my nature to kill."

"And that Edward is how I came to stay here with your family. I love your family and it was nice being with them, learning from them. The saddest thing about becoming immortal was having to leave my family and friends behind. I have checked in on my parents once, to make sure they were okay and I don't think I could ever see them again. It was just too painful."

Bella's story had hit home with me; made me remember my own mortality when I was a boy in Chicago, living with my mom and dad. It helped ground me and remind me of the fragility of human life that is indeed what makes humans so beautiful and frankly better than us. I fell in love with Bella that day, while laying on her bed, listening to her tell her story. She was so beautiful, inside and out, and her strength and character reeled me in. She was funny, quirky and beautiful. She loved reading and loved sharing with me everything she discovered. It still amazed her of the speed she could get things done, how quickly she could learn things. We could spend hours debating about books or music. She was just the right amount of calm and sweet and determination that I needed to balance me out and bring me home again, not only in the physical sense, but in the emotional and intellectual sense as well.

*********

With the help of my family, but especially Bella I had found tangible reasons to want to not kill, to hunt solely animals. I still have moments of weakness, where I cannot help resisting the smell of human blood. I have had a taste and will forever know how sweet it is, but I have not killed since I have arrived home. Luckily Bella has been there for me, distracting me during those times in which we were out hunting and a human scent had crossed our trail. I smirk as I remember the first time I came across the scent of human blood. Bella was there, she pulled one hell of a distraction if you ask me. It was the first time in my 109 nine years of existence that I had been kissed. And it was wonderful.

Bella and I are racing to the scent of mountain lion, my animal of choice. She is fast, but I am faster. I pull ahead of her just a bit laughing as she tries to catch up, when I come to a sudden halt with Bella right beside me. I know she smells it too because she is tense and looking ready to tackle me at any moment. I am holding my breath, trying not to breathe in the sweet smell when suddenly I feel my back hit the nearest tree.

Bella is in front of me holding on to my shirt. She suddenly pulls herself towards me and before I know it, our lips are touching and she is kissing me deeply.

I pull away and look at her, "You distracted me."

"Yes" she smiles coyly. She smirks a little and says, "I have been waiting for an opportunity to kiss you for awhile now, and I knew if I had waited for you do it, I'd be waiting a long time. I thought it best that matters be taken into my own hands." She giggles.

"You did, huh?" I smile at her. "Bella, I… I have never kissed anyone before. I know it seems dumb, I mean I have been around for over a hundred years, but…"

"Shhh, I don't think it's dumb. You were my first kiss too."

"Hmmm" I pull her to me and our lips meet again. "And your second" kiss "and your third" kiss. "This is a nice distraction" I smile. "You should definitely distract me like this more often."

"All that and more, Mr. Cullen, just you wait." Bella says then turns around and bolts back to through the woods with me chasing her all the way home.

Bella was my first kiss, my first love and the first person who I have connected with to make me understand who I am. I love her so much. She made me want to be better, for her, for my family. I understand now why I am living the way I am, not killing humans. That being a vampire does not necessarily mean that I have to be a monster. Letting people have a chance at life is meaningful just like the life she has given me. Humans are living here on this earth trying to understand why they are here, searching for a purpose and going with their instincts just like I was not that long ago. I have found my purpose, my salvation and I will spend the rest of my existence loving her and keeping her happy, eternally grateful that she brought me back and gave me life. What right do I have to go out and deny others their purpose? Their happiness? As immortals we have a lifetime of self-discoveries, of mistakes to make, of wrongs to right. As humans, you only get one chance to live, one chance to make life perfect and I will never again take that away from someone.