"I need to get out of my head," I say to her. She looks up at me and nods faintly.
I automatically feel guilty. She is my drug, and when i'm with her, nothing can stop me. I experience the highest highs when we're together, and she leaves me with a hollow feeling that remains long after she's gone. "I don't think I can handle this," I say. The times when we are apart are much too long, and it keeps getting worse and worse. I'm falling harder for her everyday, and I want to pull my head out of this dark tunnel i'm in and leave before it's too late, but I fear that it already is. I need her.
I cross the room slowly and the silence is broken with the sound of my feet brushing against the carpet, making my way over to her. She is sitting on the bed, and she looks as if she will start crying any second. Somewhere, deep inside of me, I feel an almost sort of satisfaction at the look on her face, knowing that I mean this much to her. I quickly shake the feeling and chalk it up to my own insecurities. I am replaced with pangs of guilt and anger, aimed at myself.
I kneel in front of where she is sitting and trace my fingers across the bridge of her nose, which I love so much. Nobody else in the world could have that nose, and I would recognize it by itself any day. My fingertips find their way to her lips, those big lips that usually form a huge smile over her face. Right now, they are pulled into a agonized pout, and they tremble, threatening to betray her (or so she thinks) relatively calm facade.
I pull her into a hug and run my fingers through her hair, her big mess of frizzy curls that cascade down her back. She stiffens, then hugs me back with a sort of fierceness, a need. At that moment, I realize that she needs me as much as I need her. She cries softly into my hair and I can feel my shirt becoming wet with tears. I force myself to pull away from her and look into her eyes. She gazes back at me, conveying to me everything she feels right now. I receive her message, she wants me to hold her.
I lean in gently and I can feel her breath on my neck. I brush my lips softly against hers, still not breaking eye contact. Usually this turns her on, drives her crazy without fail, but tonight is different and her eyes spill over with tears.
"Promise you won't leave me," she says in a low whisper. Her voice cracks at the end. "Promise you'll always be here for me." I rarely experience this side of her, the little girl who just wants to be held and cared for. I kiss her again, knowing that it was silly of me to even think about letting go of her, even for a short while.
I need her, and no matter how much shit we go through, I won't be able to stop. She is addictive in that way.
"I promise, Maureen," I say softly, almost sadly, while at the same time loving the sound of her name rolling off of my tongue.
She smiles. I drape my arms around her waist and pull her close to me.
She wins.