A/N: This has been sitting on my computer for a while. It was supposed to be part of something bigger but that didn't really pan out so I decided to turn into a one-shot introspective piece. Hope you enjoy it anyways.
I think when I feel like somebody is going to hurt me, I just make sure that I hurt myself first and worse. Burn the house down while I'm still in it.
She had told Avery that out of fear of being hurt she had burned the house down while she was still in it but she wasn't ready to extinguish the flames just yet and let the vodka numb her pain as it had so many times before. So instead of downing the shot in front of her and asking for another she just sat there and stared at it. It had been a little over a week since she'd seen him, since he'd left her standing in the middle of his apartment. The pain of seeing her so unbearable that he had thrown himself out of his own home. She'd waited for him to return for hours, unable to leave, unwilling to accept that this might be the end. It was only after Glenn and Emily had tracked her down that she had reluctantly agreed to leave with them.
Now she was back out on the road because a national tour did not stop on account of a broken heart. It was just like she had told Scarlett, sometimes you just gotta figure out a way to get up on that stage and smile even when you feel like crying. So here she was sitting at the far end of the hotel bar, hat slung low over her eyes in order to avoid detection as she stared at the shot of vodka, desperately trying to figure out how she was supposed get up on that stage tomorrow night. How was she supposed to just go on with her life without him? How was she supposed to go back to being all alone after he'd shown her just how wonderful it felt to be truly loved by someone?
She couldn't believe that she had managed to wreck the single best thing that had ever happened to her in one reckless drunken moment. She snickered softly to herself as she thought back to that night a month ago when she had sat at bar just like this one and downed drink after drink hoping to quell the feeling of impending doom that had overtaken her as soon as she had left the clinic. That feeling she always got right before the fantasy would inevitably fade away. It was always the same, she would come so close to happiness only to have it all fall apart and leave her empty and alone. It didn't matter how hard she tried, how hard she worked or how much she wanted it, happiness just wasn't in the cards for her. And of course, she wouldn't be Juliette Barnes if things didn't manage to go from bad to worse she thought as fought yet another wave of nausea. She stared at the shot some more before slowly lifting it close to mouth, the smell of vodka filled her nostrils and promised her sweet relief from the pain that was constantly stabbing at her heart. She slowly parted her lips but then snapped them shut setting the drink down again. She just couldn't do it. If she didn't know better she'd think that it was the pregnancy that was causing this new found resistance, but she did know better and she knew that in a few days it would all be irrelevant since there was no way she could have his baby. She had never really thought about having kids, never really thought she had any business being anyone's mama but even if she could find a way to accept the idea of becoming a mother, she would never be able to accept the idea of being permanently linked to Jeff Fordham.
In her heart, she knew the real reason she was so reluctant to drown her sorrows as she'd done countless times before had nothing to do with the pregnancy. A long time ago she had promised herself that she would never let herself turn into her mother, and while she knew that indulging in the occasional binge was a far cry from being a full blown addict, she had finally realized that she couldn't keep repeating the same self destructive pattern. Avery had always managed to bring out the best in her, to make her feel like she could be a better person, someone who deserved love and happiness. He had believed in her even when she was ready to give up on herself. Now she had to be the one to believe in herself, to believe that she had the strength to be that person and maybe some day she would be lucky enough to have him in her life again.