Everything Wrong With the Lion King II: Simba's Pride in However Long it Takes You to Read This Text

Spoilers!

(duh)

So, now instead of a screaming sun telling the animals to go to Pride Rock, it's the refreshing breeze of Essence de Mufasa that commands the herds. (ding!)

This doesn't look like the last movie. It doesn't even look like the same cub. No, it can't be retroactive continuity. There has to be some contrived and overly dramatic explanation to why the cubs look different. (ding!)

Just like the first movie, this film suffers from misplaced wildlife. For example, okapi are solitary animals that live in the rainforests of the Congo, NOT ON THE OPEN FIELDS OF THE SERENGETI! Dude, there is literally herds of them! I would say they are just quagga and this movie takes place before Europeans came, but the horns on their heads make it too hard to rationalize. (ding!)

There don't seem to be quite as many animals this time around. Are they still trying to repopulate after Scar's drought? (ding!)

Timon and Pumbaa. (ding!)

Timon and Pumbaa talking. (ding!)

Timon and Pumbaa having a bigger role. (ding!)

Timon and Pumbaa are sexist. (ding!)

Looks like Kiara inherited Simba's superpower of conveniently growing up between scenes. (ding!)

Nala is completely useless in this movie. (ding!)

So is Zazu. (ding!)

Heck, it seems like everyone is only here just so this can technically be called a Lion King film. (ding!)

Nobody seems to have anything to do in this movie yet the writers have Timon and Pumbaa be the babysitters. Why? Hijinks! (ding!)

So, are the Outlands different from the Elephant Graveyard? Does the light not touch this place too? Would explain why everything is so dark. (ding!)

What was Kovu doing? Just sitting still in the middle of nowhere? (ding!)

Kovu means 'scar' in Swahili. Subtle. (ding!)

These crocodiles are drawn way too much like alligators. Somewhere a herpetologist is crying. (ding!)

Gee, I wonder if they'll fall in love. (ding!)

Why are all the Outlanders so dark? They look like lion crack addicts. (ding!)

So, when did Scar handpick Kovu to take his place? Kovu must have been alive during Scar's reign. Yet he and Kiara look like they're the same age, but Kiara was born well after. (ding!)

Hey, were was Zira and the pride when Simba challenged Scar? They would have been helpful. (ding!)

'Romeo and Juliet Plot' cliché.

Simba seems to take after Mufasa in quickly forgiving his daughter after disobeying his orders and putting herself in grave danger. (ding!)

Simba sings a song about being united. Remember that. (ding!)

Matthew Broderick doesn't sing this song even though he was a Broadway actor. (ding!)

The moral Simba tells Kiara at the end of 'We Are One' seems totally disconnected to the actual song lyrics. (ding!)

This is the Outlands. Yet I see plenty of light. (ding!)

Andy Dick. (ding!)

Lacey Chabert. (ding!)

Nuka is implied to be Scar's biological son. So, why doesn't Scar choose him to be his successor? I mean, yeah, he's pathetic, but picking Kovu put's Nuka in the exact same position Scar was in during the first film. Scar is a hypocrite. (ding!)

Why does Zira sing about being evil? Doesn't she think she's in the right? (ding!)

Rafiki has a heated conversation with wind. (ding!)

OK, Kiara is all grown up. So, how old are Zazu, Timon and Pumbaa exactly? They don't seem to age. I get Rafiki, primate lifespans are much longer than lions. But Zazu should be an elderly old fart by now. (ding!)

Where is Sarabi? Did she die in between movies? I need more Sarabi! (ding!)

So, where did the hyenas go? I guess we don't want them lowering Pride Rock's precious property values. (ding!)

Oh, guess we have Nuka and Vitani for that. (ding!)

Kiara passes out from smoke inhalation but escapes the fire without a single burn mark. Have you ever been near a fire? (ding!)

Kiara recognizes Kovu because he does something similar to something he did back when he was a kid. Yep, she's Simba's daughter alright. (ding!)

Lions don't let other male lions into a pride. The kill other male lions. (ding!)

This movie hires James Earle Jones again to do only four lines. He's more underused than Jackie Chan in Kung Fu Panda. (ding!)

Remember kids, people are only evil because they've never had fun! (ding!)

Rhinos don't live in herds. (ding!)

Kovu, Kiara said that the GREAT Kings of the past were up there. Was Scar a great king? I don't think so. (ding!)

Rafiki has officially become the creepy old guy that gives drugs to teenagers. (ding)

Can lions even digest fruit? And if they can I'm pretty sure you can't eat the skin of a passion fruit. (ding!)

Did Rafiki just say 'you can BEAT THE BUSH like there's no tomorrow' in a song about love? (ding!)

Upendi doesn't mean love. It means like. Upendo means love. (ding!)

Down, in your panties. Can't un-hear it now, huh? (ding!)

Nuka dies for the sake of character dying. (ding!)

Zira accidently gives Kovu a scar that looks just like Scar's. Other than for the sake of symbolism, it doesn't make much sense. (ding!)

So, Kovu has just become exactly like Scar. He killed his own brother. That would make sense if it was intentional, but he barely had anything to do with it. (ding!)

Why are all the animals at Pride Rock? To mourn the injuries of Simba? I would be happy if my main predator/competition was incapacitated. (ding)

Never seeing the other animals talk in the first film makes this song kind of jarring. I mean, if lions can talk to birds, I guess it makes sense. But still, seeing a zebra and hippo singing still seems pretty weird. (ding!)

Does Rafiki go 'OHHH" and put his hand over his face every couple days? (ding!)

"You will never be Mufasa!" OH NO YOU DIDN'T! You never even met him! (ding!)

And thus comes the song that everybody fast forwards through. (ding!)

"We'll run away together, and start a pride, all our own." Great, now I ruined MY childhood. (ding!)

War is starting, and of course it starts to rain. Why can't there ever be war on a sunny day? (ding!)

This is actually e legitimately cool battle. Too bad Timon and Pumbaa are here to ruin it. (ding!)

Kiara decides to bring the two prides together in the most cliché way imaginable. AND IT WORKS! (ding!)

Well, at least Zira isn't taking any of this crap. Too bad the odds aren't exactly on her side anymore. (ding!)

This music seems to have a Pirates of the Caribbean inferiority complex. (ding!)

Zira was supposed to commit suicide in this scene but they changed it because they thought it would be too dark. Did you even SEE the first film? (ding!)

Kovu barely even mourns the death of his own mother! (ding!)

Did Rafiki just marry Kovu and Kiara? Do lions even get married? (ding!)

Mufasa congratulates Simba even though Kiara and Kovu did all the work. (ding!)

Movie Sin Tally: 66

Sentence: Lion King 1 ½