Just a drabble that's been bouncing around in my head. I love Glee and I figure this is a way for me to get back in the grove of fanfiction. Umm spoilers. All this season I guess
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I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
Too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.
Breath no More-Evanescence
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Rachel Berry was by no means the girl everyone thought that she was. She was not the self-absorbed star that she pretended to be. In fact, every time she looked in the mirror some part of her mind yelled another insult that fit her. Stupid. Loser. Worthless. Ugly. The voices played them over and over in her head until Rachel found a way to shut them up. No one really noticed that she started wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer. Why would they? She was crazy Berry, the girl who was too loud and annoying to ever be considered normal. But at least people knew that she was here. That she was alive and apart of the real world.
That's what she clung to as she kept her arms close to her sides, so the sweaters and long sleeves didn't rise up. When she signed up for Glee, she knew that she would have to hide the marks of what she was doing somehow. Surprisingly the cover up she had worked well on her arms and hid everything. Thank God for the Internet she muses as she wears t-shirts for the first time in months. But that doesn't mean that she stopped. She just moved on to different spots. Her stomach was easier to hide along with her hips and thighs. All of them were disgusting anyway and needed to be punished just like her.
It didn't surprise her that Quinn was pregnant. You figure something like this would have to happen eventually in the town they live in. But to watch Quinn, Rachel felt something in her chest. Something other than this heavy fog that had been there for years. Warmth and longing. Longing for human touch. Of course she had kissed Finn and it felt good. It was forbidden, exciting, and felt almost as good as her marks she thought as she gently traced the old scars. But she wanted to reach out and just be held. Why Quinn stirred this in her, Rachel didn't want to think about it. But maybe because they were so similar. Both outcasts now. So when the Glee club sang to Finn and Quinn, she slipped her hands into their own and felt normal for a bit.
She's almost caught. The silver razor is on the tile sink as she is washing her latest mark. Red liquid flows into the white basin as she stares at it remembering that she is alive. Or that she feels alive right now. The sound of an un-oiled door snaps her back into reality and she pulls the long sleeve shirt down. It's Quinn. Her fingers grab the razor and grip it hiding it in her hand. The former cheerleader just looks at her and smiles as she enters a stall. Her feet carry her out of there and as she is going back to class, the blood from her hand hits the floor with a tiny plop. Needless to say by the time she makes it back to class, she must fake sick in order for Mr. Schue not get suspicious of her missing Spanish.
The next time is when the girls are changing for sectionals. Rachel is in the bathroom and is pulling up her tights when Tia sees one of her hips.
"Wwwhhhattt happened?" The girl asks quietly and points to the three jagged lines. It was from the first time the razor ever bit in there. She had gotten nervous and her hand wasn't as steady as it normally was.
" A dog attacked me over the summer. Luckily it was just my hip right?" Rachel felt the lie roll easily off her tongue as the Asian girl nodded. She helps Quinn zip up the back of her dress and brushes away a stray tear from her friend's face.
"Break a leg and sparkle," she whispered, hoping the girl would understand.
"Sparkle?" Quinn asks unsure of what Rachel meant.
"Sparkle like a star." With that she pushes the girl into her place and gives her a hug, allowing the physical contact to anchor her to the world temporarily. Strangely enough Quinn hugs her back and she feels safe and doesn't want to let go. But the opening notes are starting soon and she runs into place, feeling alive as the light hits her through the curtain.
Rachel Berry isn't stupid. She knows that Jeese St. James is after Glee and so for her team, she will play him. Jeese will go down because no one hurts Rachel's family. They are the only things keeping her together and tethered to this world. They help keep her connected to a world where she has no connection. So when he kisses her on that stage, she closes her eyes and is willing to lose her soul to keep them safe. Even if it means hurting them. So a few weeks later when he wants to go all the way, she does knowing its for them as she screws her eyes shut from the pain.
Rachel isn't also surprised when Finn finally kicks Quinn out of his house. But she is surprised that Noah will not help her. He talked to his mom but didn't put up a fight. Immediately she calls her dads who agree to have Quinn live with them until the baby is born and even after. She finishes the call and finds the crying pregnant girl in the bathroom.
"Come on let's get you home." She gently pulls her off the old tile floor.
"I don't have one, remember?" Quinn venomously spat and a single tear rolled down her face. She quickly wiped it away.
"With my family you do. My dads are dying to met you." With that she takes the girl's hand and gently leads her to the parking lot. Noah is waiting by her car and moves towards them.
"Quinn look-" Rachel slaps him before he can get another word in and herds Quinn into the car before looking back at him.
"You son of a bitch! You have no right to try and make yourself feel better, this was your one chance to be her hero and make yourself into a good man. But you had to fuck it up Puck! You were so scared of being that good man that you purposely fucked Quinn over. Stay the hell away from her." She yells at him and storms back to her car. The drive home is silent until they pull up to the modest two story house.
"It's probably not what you're use to but my dads have a knack of making it home and it's really homey and-" Quinn cuts her off.
"Thank you." Rachel just blinks unsure what to say as a warm feeling invades her chest. For a moment she just opens her mouth and closes it unsure that if she should say something.
"Come on, lets go home," is all that she can say as Rachel leads the way into her house. What they don't know is soon they were become sisters, in all senses of the word.
The next time she is almost caught is when Quinn is having her baby. The girl grabs her arm so hard it causes some of the cuts (Yes, she finally admitted it to herself, she cuts.) to rupture under her white turtle neck (To hide Jeese's bite and claw marks. It was worth it, they think that New Directions is a bunch of losers and doing the worst numbers imaginable.). On the way to the hospital, Finn noticed. She lied and said it was some run off of a slushie. Oddly enough everyone believed her. She was surprised when Quinn asked her to hold her hand through it all. After everything, her, Puck, and Finn made up but Quinn wanted her there. Six hours and a hurting hand later, she decided that it was worth having her hand broken just to hold a small bundle in her arm and have the bluest eyes she's ever seen look back at her.
Quinn keeps her baby after looking at her. She and her dads offer to help out, one is always at home and they love kids. In fact all of Glee signs up for baby sitting duty at least one a week if not more. Little Avalon Isolde Fabary Berry ( Quinn got into her mythology collection and Rachel helped pick the most normal sounding names) stole all their hearts. Yes her family adopted both Quinn and Avalon. Rachel was just happy to finally have a sister. Yes, that's what the two of them were, sisters. Quinn was always making sure Rachel was ok and Rachel made sure that the act never broke once. Ava, as they all called her, was a regular attendant of Glee rehearsals and enjoyed them immensely. Rachel liked to point out it was because she was a Berry and would become a Broadway star just like her aunt. Quinn would just shake her head and say.
"You're crazy sis." She would take little Ava from her arms and just smile back, happy for a little bit.
"Yeah but so are you sister." Rachel would reply rocking the baby back and forth a tiny smile making its home on her face.
She is caught. Not by her fellow Glee members but . It's a week before Regional's and she's furiously cleaning her wounds. She's so enveloped in the act that she doesn't hear her until its too late.
"Rachel?" The timid voice calls out. Shit. That's the only thing that comes to her brain and leaves her mouth. Few people have ever heard her cuss and it's a shock for the rest who haven't heard her. just raises an eyebrow and glances down at her arms. The soup is a murky pink over the still bleeding cuts and its stinging like a bitch and a half.
"Yeah?" She surprised that she can still speak.
"Finish rinsing that off and we are going to talk." The normally timid woman seems bigger in her mind. Maybe its because she's busted or maybe its because this woman actually cares. She just nods and finishes, following her out into her office.
"Look, I know I could spout all this bs about how you need to change and what I can do to help. But honestly the ball is in your court Rachel. If you want to talk I'm here." She nods and stares at Ms. Pillsberry, biting her lower lip from the inside. The words are there, ready to escape but she can't say anything other than thank you. But as she is half way out the door, she turns back.
"Is there a way to make it go away?" She asks unsure of why she's doing this reaching out to this woman.
"To make what go away?" The consular asks and walks over towards her to close the gap.
"This blanket. It's always here. I can't get rid of it. I'm happy sometimes, I'm not a complete freak. I mean I'm happy when I'm holding Ava and when I'm with my friends. I feel alive. So why do I feel dead when they aren't there? Why won't it go away?" She feels like she's going to cry and she screws her eyes shut to stop the tears. However she becomes undone when she hears promise it will be ok. Her knees give out as she bawls for the first time in two years. She swore that crying is stupid and pointless but still she cries as arms wrap around her. Rachel just clings wanting to leave but not wanting to leave. What feels like ages later she detangles herself from the woman's arms, embarrassed and wanting a cut badly.
"I'm sorry." She croaks as stray tears continue to fall.
"It's ok. Here." Ms. Pillsberry hands her an actual handkerchief and she uses it to get rid of the remaining tears.
"Rachel, I think you might have depression. It's actually fairly common among teenage girls. How long has this been going on." She looks up and mutters about five, six years.
"Did you ever consider-" She gets no further as Rachel cuts her off.
"No! No pills! Those things kill you faster than a drunk driver. I don't want to be even more…depressed." She manages to get the word out and the woman just nods.
"Ok. Well I see what I can find to help that isn't medication, ok?" She nods and turns to leave but not before trying to give back the handkerchief.
"Keep it. Sometimes it's just good to have a nice cry." Rachel nods and almost walks out but Ms. Pillsberry calls out to her.
"Rachel you will have to stop one day. If you don't you might die." She stops and just bows her head.
"I know," she walks out the door before muttering the last part, "but I can't find it in me to care."
The next time she is caught it is at Regional's . But its not for the cutting. Her team mates finally learn of her boyfriend. Everyone is glaring at her when Jesse tells them Vocal Adrenaline knows what numbers they are doing. The table got turned when Rachel just smiles at him and spouts off the "list". One by one everyone's glare changes to a smile or just shock as they realize that Rachel outplayed the player.
"You lose," she whispers into his ear and just smiles at him. Rachel was unprepared for the stinging smack to her face and is tossed to the floor. The next few seconds are filled with chaos as Puck and Finn both grab the guy and are about to punch him when and Mrs. Corcoran arrive to stop the fight as Mercedes and Quinn gently lift her up. She notices that her lip is bleeding and pulls out the handkerchief that Ms-Emma gave to her. Rachel can't help but smile and feel like the woman is the mother she never knew.
"What the hell is going on here?! Your students attacked mine! I'll get you dis-" Rachel interrupts the rival coach.
"Then we'll ask them to review the security tapes. Jesse acted me first by the way after I told him that he wasn't as clever as he thinks."
"You knew?" Mrs. Corcoran just whispered and her mouth hung open.
"I knew the whole time. Prepare to go down." With that she turns and exits to the dressing room to change. And she knows that all she did was worth it.
They win Regional's with Vocal Adrenaline in second place which takes them both to State. However the victory is bittersweet for Rachel. Quinn finally saw past the act and to the girl underneath it. It was an accident. The nerves had got the best of her before she had to sing The Life of the Party and she cut a little too deep into her arm. Under the stage lights she felt dizzy but managed to finish before heading back to the teams dressing room. Everyone was happy and upbeat and she tried to make it to the bathroom but failed. The world spun around her and Rachel hit the floor with a loud thud that stopped everything.
When she woke up Quinn was holding her in her arms. The funny thing was that she was crying. Why would she-her eyes noticed that she had on an ace bandage on her left arm (she could only cut with her right hand. They had to be perfect, straight deep lines) and her upper body was clothed in her tank top. That means….oh God! She bolted upwards and pulled herself into a corner, breath coming out in short gasps. They knew! They would leave her. Her family was going to hate her and she caused it. Her fingers tried to get at the ace bandage to finish the job she started when hands grabbed her own.
"Rachel calm down!" Quinn's voice manages to break through her fog. Her eyes stare into the blue ones in front of her and notice that Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina are there as well. Everyone else is gone.
"Quinn?" Her voice sounds so weak and small to her, how does it sound to the rest of them.
"I'm here Rachel. It's ok. I don't hate you." As soon as the words leave Quinn's mouth, she begins to cry. Arms encircle her from all over and over and over she murmuring comforting things but the only one she hears is "It'll be ok".
The next two months fly by for Rachel. The Glee club all found out and helped her deal with everything in their own way. Puck brings Rachel a slushie at least once a week while Finn helps her with anything physical and gets her into running. Both Kurt and Mercedes take her on numerous shopping trips and her wardrobe looks slightly more normal, for a Glee kid anyways. Brittney and Santana keep her tormentors away from her and make sure that if someone even looks at her funny they get it. and Emma allow her to hang out in their room/office when she isn't feeling social and just let her talk if needed. Artie is the most creative in making sure that there is a fresh thing of flowers at her locker everyday. It's at that point everyone learns he gardens.
Tina brings her mixed cds and introduces her to a wider range of music then she thought possible. On the days where its bad and her arms are itching for a cut, she goes for a run and belts Bring Me to Life and Going Under until the pain is gone. But Quinn makes sure that she isn't alone or that she's watching Ava if she is. As she cradles the baby, she realizes that she wants to be there for every single moment that is big in her life. So she promises in between lullabies that she will stay alive, if only for Avalon and everyone else.
At the end of the six months New Directions had won State and now was at Nationals. Vocal Adrenaline had barely made it to Nationals but Rachel knew they would beat them and anyone else hands down. And they do all thanks to an original line up from everyone. Tia picked Call me when Your Sober and managed to turn it into one of the best group numbers they had. Noah also went with a rock theme and had the boys do We Will Rock You. Quinn choose In My Arms, something they had all at one point sung to Ava. Finn finally picked Living on A Prayer and Mercedes and Kurt chose Tik Tok, stating they wanted to ride on a golden bike. She couldn't help but chuckle at that.
Both Brittney and Santana gave her their vote and she finally chose Do Ray Me from Sound of Music, allowing them all to have fun and show off that they could rock the basics. Artie's choice shocked her the most. He picked My Junk from Spring Awakening one of her musicals and he revealed to her that he had always liked it. When it came to the day of the performance they kicked ass. However they tied with a group from LA, California and had to have a sing off. Everyone pushed her to do a solo and thankfully she had to go second. The girl from the other club sung Good Morning Baltimore and hit it semi-decently. As she walked over towards the band she figured out what she was singing.
"Do you know Good and Evil?" She asked quietly so her team couldn't hear and the band leader looked at her.
"Jekyll and Hyde right?" She nodded and he smiled at her.
"Yep. Knock them dead tiger." Rachel walked back towards center stage and motioned at Kurt to throw her his black fedora. Luckily she had decided during the judging she switched into an outfit that looked like a mix of Chicago and Wild Party. The fedora landed in her hand as the second to last notes of the intro played and she began to sing. Her head was bowed with the fedora covering her face. Needless to say she blew them out of the water. New Directions had won and were going to come back next year as the champions. The whole club found themselves in a restaurant celebrating two victories. The club's and Rachel's half a year of getting better.
By the time summer rolled around Rachel was almost sad to leave school. Glee was having one last meeting before the summer let out and she was studying all of them. This was her family and they knew that. In fact they were all family. She knew that nothing was going to tear them apart unless they let it. But they wouldn't. The final bell rang and all of them shuffled out to the parking lot, enjoying their freedom from school. Rachel wasn't following the conversation just enjoying being with them.
"Hey Rachel! Come on Superstar!" Finn called to her. She realized that everyone was waiting for her and she felt her feet carry her forward as a thought hit her head. She was alive and all that truly mattered was in front of her.
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Emo drabblings but I can totally see Rachel as the type to cut and to pretend everything is ok. It's a tiny bit OOC for all of them but that's why its an AU. Umm I don't own Glee wish I did. But I don't.