I hold these ashes in my hands and it's like touching Caleb for the last time. Tobias stands by my side and gently strokes my back. It's so silent, I could hear his heavy breathing, or is that mine?
How would Caleb like his funeral? I didn't know, so I stuck with a simple idea. Just me and Tobias. We stand in an empty clearing, the grass is green and the sky is clear. Would Caleb like this? I didn't think I would be thinking this four months ago, and I really don't want to right now.
I take a deep breath and drop the ashes. It's like letting go of him. I didn't want to, but I have to. I was such a coward, how would I let Caleb die like that? I forced him to his death and didn't even think twice. I didn't know what to expect. But, I don't have to think about that right now. I push those thoughts aside and reach for Tobias's hand. He takes it and I feel a tiny bit of hope. A tiny bit of hope that maybe I'll be happy once again.
I pick at my fingernails, desperate for the truck to move faster. I'd just like to forget about Caleb, although that's probably impossible. The fact that my whole family is gone makes me want to roll over and forget about it. If only life were that easy.
Tobias and I drive to our apartment, silently. It's not awkward, it lets me think. I try not to let myself cry, I just push those thoughts farther and farther away. That's what I've been doing for the last few months, anyway.
"Tris?" There goes the silence.
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?" Tobias turns his head to look at me in the passenger seat.
"Yeah," I manage to stutter. "I'm okay." Tobias parks in front of our apartment complex, far from our old homes. "I'm going to Christina's," I say. Tobias just nods.
"Hey!" Christina says brightly.
"Hey," my eyes look at everything but her.
"What's wrong?" I can tell she's trying to make eye contact, but I just look at my empty hands on my lap.
"Nothing," I say, but my voice comes out higher than usual and my fingers taps my legs a little too long.
"You're lying," Christina says matter-of-factly. She narrows her eyes ever so slightly, trying to get me to say that I'm not okay.
My hands slip onto the dark leather couch we sit on. "Okay, well I came here to talk."
"Talk."
"I'm just so angry at myself," I glance at Christina and she nods. She's a good listener for a born candor, even though factions don't exist anymore. "I know it's hard to lose somebody. Especially when they are the last family member you have. I saw him do it. He reached and then I watched him slip away right before my eyes..." My voice trails off and turns into small mumbles.
A gunshot.
I cover my mouth with my hands, but I can't stop the lightening striking my body over and over again. My jaw shakes and my legs feel weak. Caleb yells and tries to stop the gushing blood near his neck.
"The green button!" I scream as loud as I can. Please Caleb. Please hear me.
Matthew isn't near me anymore. David did not just shoot Caleb again. Blood is not staining the tiled floors and Caleb's clothes. Why didn't I take the fall for him? This is too painful to watch. Caleb hands frantically dance on the keypad. Then he collapses on the ground, clutching his stomach. I take my gun and do one thing I really wanted to do.
Kill David.
"Tris!" Christina's arms are wrapped around my shoulder and I find myself catching the tears falling from my eyes.
"It's all my fault, Christina. Its all my fault.."
I pull the covers closer to my shoulders and stay turned away from Tobias. I feel his hand slide up to my shoulder. I don't mind it, but after being at Christina's place, I felt the need to keep to myself for the rest of the day. Tobias breathes deeply.
"Christina told me." I'm so glad he can't see my face. I feel him tug on my shoulder. "Let me see you." I turn my back and try to keep a straight face.
"You could tell me anything, you know," he says. It's too dark in our bedroom to tell if his face says he disappointed or angry.
"Yes," that's all I could bring myself to say.
"Why didn't you tell me you were upset over Caleb?" I stay silent for a moment.
"I don't know." His thumb touches my cheek and I can feel the guilt rising.
"Well, I tried pushing it away," my mind is fluttering. "That only works for a little bit. So, when I talked to Christina I just kind of-" I hesitate.
"You kind of what?" Tobias says, slightly impatient.
"I kind of," I think for a moment. " I kind of snapped. I didn't realize how broken I was, until I broke. I'm torn inside, Tobias."
He doesn't say anything.
"I think I've been through a lot of heart break for one person. My whole family is dead. And you want to know one reason why they died?" I could feel my voice rising. "They all died for me. They died selfless and brave and for me. Now it's too late. It's too late. And it hurts. It hurts really bad."
Tobias wipes the tear slipping down my face and gently presses his lips against mine. I feel that beautiful warmth you get when somebody kisses your skin gently. I really need that warmth right now. I let Tobias caress my body and we stay silent.
We slowly slip into slumber, and I think I really need some sleep. That good kind of sleep when the bed bugs don't bite and you have pleasant dreams. I haven't had that kind of sleep in a while.
Oh no, another sad fanfic. Nope. I swear! Although this chapter may seem sad and (really) rushed, I swear it does get better! Now, it would be all fluff. I don't like fluff. It will be balanced, and maybe there will be some ooc here and there. Also, where are the other character!? Don't worry, they're coming. While you wait, why don't you favorite and review? It really helps me out :3
- Fanarade