Forward Movement
Tifa needs a break. Badly. I honestly believe that she doesn't get enough credit. What with caring for two kids, saving the world, running two businesses and in the meantime, cope with a brooding emotional mess like Cloud. So, here is to the world's best caregiver and ass-kicker, Tifa Lockhart.
--
You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness
Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
Life is a Song – Patrick Park
--
April descends upon Midgar like a shroud. The city that is already painted with a grey palette is the picture of wet gloom, and there is not an inch on the skins of the city's population that is not damp with either the rain or sweat. The infamous city, with all its skyscrapers and cutting edge technology becomes a boiling pot of humidity and breathlessness in this month. It is thirty days of discomfort, of limp hair, simmering heat and rain, rain, rain.
So it is no wonder that many living in Midgar jump on the nearest vehicle leaving the godforsaken city in the terrible month of April and escape to the cool air of Cosmo Canyon, where visitors fall to the ground and take in lungful after lungful of sweet, sweet oxygen. Or, they go all the way to Icicle Lodge, where it is snowy bliss all year round. Busload after busload of families take their small children there to snowboard, ski, drink hot chocolate and inwardly gloat at the friends they left behind in that cooking pot of a city, those who are suffering the month of April in their own perspiration.
The poor ones, who do not have the means or the time to leave, hole themselves up in their air-conditioned homes, working from their apartments or contacting friends via phone or webcam and complain endlessly about the weather and the heat, ticking off the days until the merry month of May rolls around like children greedily waiting for the next chocolate of their advent calendar. And those even less fortunate brave the pouring rain of the streets outside, or even when the storm clouds cease the air itself seemed to hang with a quality of heaviness; saturated, soggy heaviness. And with each step as they waded through that heaviness, they tired.
So those who have to stay must stay, and those who can leave, leave.
Though, you might have heard of a person who stayed. She remained in Midgar all year round, even through April, by her own free will. Maybe because of a person who left before April, when the weather was still pleasant and had no real reason of leaving except his own fear?
But this change comes in April. Despite the weather, not because of it, even this person left like all the others.
--
She presses her fingers gently on the glass.
--
Dear Cloud,
Do you remember how awful the weather gets in Midgar around this time of year? How gray it is? How much it rains? How humid it gets? Last year, you were particularly sulky because we wouldn't let up about how your hair drooped. The four of us would drink litre and litre of ice water and lemonade and complain how it seemed like April was lasting forever.
--
Tifa remembered installing these windows herself. She remembered calling the number she had jotted down on a piece of scrap paper and the day they'd arrived; huge, long boxes carried into the small bar she had bought for herself. She recalled sitting in front of them afterwards, legs folded and clasped to her chest and as she smiled at the sunlight shining through the windows, her new windows, and the cornflower blue sky outside. But most of all, she remembered being surprised, as it had been such a long time since she had last felt so peaceful.
She thought it'd never go away, that kind of contentedness. She had put those windows up for forever.
Was she another fickle human being, Tifa wondered to the faint reflection of herself in the glass, to become restless again? People were leaving Midgar by the droves, but she had promised herself (and to him, though he hadn't stayed long enough to hear it) that she'd wait, no matter what the weather. No matter how long it took.
When did he leave? A day ago? Perhaps months? Or maybe, he was never there in the first place. Tifa had only imagined his presence in the room down the hall from hers, or across from her at the breakfast table. Maybe all this time, Marlene and Denzel talked with shadows. Maybe all this time, she had lived with a dream.
And dreams always had to end sometimes.
Her fingers left faint imprints on the glass. Any other day, she would have been at it with a rag immediately because she did so dearly love those windows, but not on this day. Because as Tifa turned
around with a plaintive sigh, there is no one to hear it, just like there is no one else to admire her lovely windows. Marlene had long returned to her father's side and Denzel had gone with them on an extended vacation, the young boy going to stave off his thirst for an adventure, like the one that person had went on years ago. And as usual, there was no one left for Tifa.
--
But this year, it's particularly bad. Maybe it mostly has to do with the fact I'm drinking lemonade alone and no one is here to hear me whine. Sometimes, it's so hot I felt as if I was going to be cooked alive. Sometimes, it's so humid I thought I was going to drown just by breathing. It was awful. The three of you are lucky to be out of Midgar.
--
Cobwebs had grown and dust carpeted her floorboards. She served her customers with a lacklustre smile. Her heart ached at the voices of Marlene and Denzel, happily recounting their latest adventure, which seemed so far away. Where was her family? They had moved up and away from her, because she willingly chained herself behind. She was all alone.
Tifa wouldn't have called it depression; she would have called it defeat, but she hadn't even tried to break free.
The person she thought of most often also did not move forward. But instead of staying put he moved backwards, into pasts he wanted to undo and choices he would have chosen differently. Tifa watched his retreating back for as long as she could, until she had to look away. By the time she had the courage to look up again, he was completely gone from her sight. But promises were still made. Even if they were one-sided, she liked to think that he understood anyway.
The lack of other humans in the bar (she didn't feel like opening today) created a chill, friends of the silence that had arrived much earlier. She rubbed her hands up and down her arms and turned back towards her windows. There is no sweet, azure sunlight today; only steely clouds and a suffocating heat. The rain had stopped and left pools of water on the streets and sidewalks everywhere, but they were so nondescript because they could only reflect the gray sky above.
Last week, Yuffie and Red XIII came to visit. Her friends had been all smiles, and the ninja princess had been as hyperactive and giddy as always, but at the dust at her feet and the blankness in Tifa's eyes, they immediately began to try and coerce their friend into taking a nice relaxing little trip. Costa del Sol? Cosmo Canyon? Maybe they could even scrounge up some tickets to Icicle Lodge? The two begin to confer between themselves, making all these plans for her that she didn't want when Tifa broke down into tears.
The two looked up, stunned. Strong, optimistic Tifa? Sweet, level-headed Tifa? She wanted to reassure them that she hadn't changed much. That yes, it was only because she missed the kids terribly and tried to stem her tears with her hands to tell them exactly that but they couldn't seem to stop.
"I've made promises." She managed to choke out, and breaks down into sobs again.
--
I would've stayed. But you know, it's been a strange couple months. A lot of things happened that is hard to write down, not all good, not all bad. I'm afraid (and this is strange, coming from the workaholic Tifa you know!) that I fell into a little slump while you were gone. I guess it's laziness on my part; I thought all my problems would be solved when you came back.
--
Who had she been kidding? He had been the one that found the flyer posted on the telephone pole and called to tell her about it. He helped set the glass sheets in to make those windows and had been right beside her afterwards, sitting on the floor of their new Seventh Heaven and basking in the summer sun. He had been the one that had told her that he was ready to start a new life. And after he left that first time, that he had been ready to stay.
--
I shouldn't have pinned that sort of responsibility on you though. Because I should understand best of all the kinds of burdens you carry with you already. I'm really sorry, Cloud.
--
The next couple of weeks afterwards and many frantic phone calls made by Yuffie later, all her friends are occupying the seats in her bar. Cait Sith, Cid, Shera and even Vincent showed up and, from what she could hear from her enforced bed rest in her bedroom upstairs, started a massive clean-up of all the dust and cobwebs she had left unchecked. Barret, Marlene and Denzel called her every single day from wherever they were, their worried voices vying for her attention as she patiently reassured them that there is no need for them to come see her.
Their voices no longer seemed so far away, and soon Tifa was sitting with her friends on her barstools, laughing and reminiscing about adventures past and battles won. And sometimes, during the quietness of night, the sadness of their journey and friends lost.
She was in the back, washing up the last of the beer mugs well after midnight one evening. The indistinguishable murmurings of her friends carried over to where she is, but it's only when she turned off the running water does she catch a coherent word; 'rain'.
"Oh, I hate it." Tifa joined the conversation, thinking they were talking about the weather. "It rains too bloody much in this city, doesn't it?"
It is only until she got blank looks and no reply did Tifa realize she had said something wrong.
"We were talking about what happened two years ago, Tifa." Cid said cautiously. "Remember? The Geostigma?"
--
This terrible season is lasting a little too long for the both of us, don't you think so too? I want to be able to affiliate rain to better things, like Aerith, instead of sadness. I'll forget that warmth can be from embracing a friend you haven't seen for a long time, instead of suffocation. I'd hate it if I forgot those things. I'd hate it if you did too.
--
"Gah!" Yuffie clambered down the staircase and sets down Tifa's suitcase with a heavy thump. "What did you pack in here?" She whined, dragging it across the room to her, Tifa having turned away from her windows for the last time with a smile. "A ton of bricks? Everything but the kitchen sink?"
Tifa immediately went over and helped her friend lug the suitcase out the door, to the taxi that was patiently awaiting her outside. "Nope." She said brightly. "I'm not going to need that where I'm going."
As she lifted the bag into the open trunk, Yuffie let out a big sigh. "Can't you at least tell me where you're going?" The young girl pouted as she threw her arms around the friend she regarded like a big sister. "I'm going to be so lonely, running Seventh Heaven without you around."
"Mm." She smiled over the ninja princess' shoulder. "I would, but even I don't know that yet." Letting go, Tifa let out a sigh. "I think I might just sit at that bus station for a while and see which one of those destinations jumps out at me." Her smile grew. "I'm actually kind of looking forward to going on a new adventure, you know? One of my very own."
"An adventure." Yuffie moaned, even just the sound of the word tasting like chocolate in her mouth. "Mm. Forget lonely, I'm so freaking jealous."
Tifa laughed as she opened the passenger door of the taxi and slid in. "Don't worry. I'll send you a postcard." She began to shut the car door, when suddenly Tifa paused. "Hey Yuffie." She swung open the car door and poked her head out. "Don't forget to pay the water, electric and gas bills by the phone, okay? And call the suppliers to confirm the shipments each month. Oh, and – "
"Okay! Okay! Stop!" Yuffie shouted from the curb side, holding her hands in front of her. "You don't have to worry about a thing. I've got it all written down. Besides, Red says that he's going to come and help out from time to time."
"Ah." Tifa sighed with relief. "As long as Red is coming, everything should be okay."
Yuffie huffed indignantly. "I resent that. I'm perfectly capable, you know."
"Yes, yes, I know." The now bartender-on-hiatus said, a smile playing on her lips. "I'm actually going to go now. See you." But before the door closed fully, it swung open once again and she could already feel her friend's eyes rolling. "Alright, alright I know. I swear that this is the last one."
"Besides setting aside my own exciting escapades to run a bar for an indeterminate amount of time?" Yuffie put her hands on her hips. "Because that you've already asked me."
"Mm. This one isn't very difficult." Tifa smiled. "There is a letter on my desk. In case... in case that person comes back, do you think you could get him to read it?"
At this, Yuffie took a moment and paused to study her friend's expression. For the first time in a long time, Tifa's face is flushed with excitement and something like... fear? But her smile is unbelievably bright and that is enough to assuage her fears.
"Yeah, yeah." She groaned exaggeratedly. "I'll make sure that guy gets it. Now go and have a good time!" Shutting the car door for her before it could open again with another request, Yuffie grinned and waved.
Tifa smiled gratefully, feeling the last shred of heaviness on her heart fall away. Waving equally excitedly as Yuffie hopped up and down, mouthing 'go, go', as the taxi began to inch its way out of its parking spot, Tifa said her last goodbyes to the dust that has been swept away, the decay that had been discarded, and her beloved windows. The tears that pricked her eyes were ones of happiness, and she wiped them away with a half-laugh.
"I'm ridiculous." She murmured, and laughs again.
As Tifa bent over to rifle through the bag at her feet for some tissue, she didn't notice that the iron curtains in the sky began to part, and the first beams of sunshine that escaped from their domain in the sky.
But she will. Eventually.
--
Come and catch up with me soon, okay?
With love,
Tifa